OK, seems to be the same old story.
me-35
her-30
kids-3
married-10 years (Oct 9th)
She met her brother's roommate, knew him for 4 hours and felt really drawn to him.
She spent the next month building him up in her head.
She visited for the weekend (Oct 10-11). Got drunk on Friday night. Called me Sat. to tell me how sick she was.
SUNDAY 12 Oct 03:
Called me on Sunday on her way home, said about 6 words, then told me she slept in Corey's(the roommate's) bed. She said there was no where else for her to sleep that night.
I asked her when she got home if she did anything with him, she said no. I found his email address in her make-up bag.
I commented "I hope your not pregnant", no reply.
MONDAY: 13 Oct 03:
I see she searched the internet for the morning after pill. I take her panties, and order the "Check Mate" kit to detect traces of seaman.
I also found email between them from our home pc and our home account. Mostly platonic, but she mantioned that I was acting funny and that I know something happened. She went on to say not to use our home account anymore and to use an alternate account she opened.
That night in bed, I place my arm on her in bed, she threw it away. The next day I tell her she told me to knock it off Corey. No reply.
Tue: Oct 14 03:
No more email to our home account.
I talk with her from the heart, letting her know it is OK to tell me. I have not been the husband she needed and that I have made changes. She will not talk. She becomes defensive. Telling me all the typical see through stuff. At this point I am really desperate.
Wed: 15 Oct 03.
I hack the alternate email account and find all is true on my suspicions. This time there are emails speaking of touching, caring, compassion.
I print them, highlight the parts. And set them aside.
She comes home from the gym, and I ask her again, she still says nothing happened. I pull out the emails and she confessess.
I take her to our knees and we pray. For all the right stuff.
The table is clear. Rebuilding starts.
She tells me she still wants to be with him, she goes to her "happy place" when I try to express my feelings of pain and betrayal.
This day I also write Corey and tell him to never contact her again.
I bait him this day with a phony email pretending I am her. He does not reply. I tell her this is insurance. She is angry over this. It turns out she called him to warn him I was doing this (contact #1)
I also state I am made at her brother for not knowing this was going on. She says it is all her fault and not to blame Dave.
The rest of the week goes on, with me trying to talk to her, and her getting mad at me and telling me to "get over it" "it is in the past" "I am feeling sorry for myself" <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Sunday: 19 Oct 03:
She calls her brother to confess to him. I find out only this past week she also calls Corey to warn him Dave knows. (contact #2)
Dave and I talk, he tells me things she did not(lie# who knows <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )
I install "i am big brother" computer tracker program. it tells all keystrokes made.
No email between them.
This past week she spent at her mom's. 2 days prior she opens another email account through yahoo. I monitor, no activity.
Tue from her mom's she writes him (contact #3).
I have also talked to her brother's wife who tells me a whole bunch of stuff that Renee did not, again, more lies.
Renee tells me she is on the up-and-up, and that she is doing her part to move on. I confront her about the email. I confront her about the lies, she denys them. I also tell her that Corey tells the brother's wife that he basicly "wiskey-dicked her all night long" (drunk sex). She is devistated over this. Not that I know, but about the way he is talking about her. She thought he was in it for the emotions and closeness she was. She is sobbing at her revelation of this.

We talk no more about this while she is away.
PROBLEM!!
She is coming home tonight.
I have since put all my "not daily use" stuff in totes and have removed all photos of me from our family photo books. For this she will be ferious, but I want her to see what life would be like with out me.
I have also mande arrangments to move in with a friend. I plan on dealing with her on a platonic leval. I am not going to speak of this matter again, unelss she brings it up. Then I will only listen. I will not speak, by the Lord's grace.
I am going to move on.
She only understands harsh impact when it comes to communication. She does not understand subtle measures or signs.
I will leave her over this. God's law clearly give me the right to devorce her.
I DO NOT WANT THIS!
She has posted on ezboard to the public, that I am trying harder than ever, but the fact is, she is more dead to me now than she has ever been.
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!
Chris~

Chris:

This has really just started. Your W is nowhere near ready for withdrawal. You 2 are nowhere near ready 2 start recovery.

Please go to the home page and read all the articles about infidelity. Then get youself the books. Most importantly, get counseling! Click on "counsel" at the top of your screen under the MB logo.

And prepare yourself for a lot of soul-searching, along with a very bumpy roller-coaster ride for the next several months at least. True recovery, once it starts, typically takes 2-5 years. All this sounds awful and impossible when you're at the start of the process, but you will find yourself better able 2 cope as you work through it, particularly with good help.

I'm glad you found this site, but I'm sorry you have a reason 2 be here,
-2long

Chris - While adultery is biblical grounds for divorce (Matthew 19:1-12), also read Malachi 2:16 (God hates divorce). A believer's goal can be forgiveness and reconciliation. You are very hurt right now and you have reason, but being the leader of your family, I hope you will follow MB principles. Start with Plan A. Yes your wife has betrayed you and it sounds like right now she does not "get it". But this will change if you stay on the MB path, and you can have a better marriage than ever. Your family is in my prayers.

I will leave her over this.
Why?

God's law clearly give me the right to devorce her.
But Agod’s law does not DEMAND you do this. Nor does it even suggest that you do. It simply says it is allowed.

I DO NOT WANT THIS!
Then don’t do it.
Stop, take a deep breath and slow down.
Don’t make any rash decisions (or statements).
Read the links below.

Thank you guys for readjusting my focus.
I found MB like the morning after I found out. I forgot to focus on the plans, and went out on my own.
I trashed my wife over this and for that I am wrong. Her mother has severed the family over this. Although I am quite sure Renee has not told her mother everything, and now I am the big bad wolf, devouring the sheep. Oh well, the woman is a Christian and has not an ounce of compassion or love to give. After all this, she sends me the "Exemplary Husband" book. Then tells me to dive into the Self-Confrintation manual. WFT? I am asking myself. Is this woman blind? Now she truely showed me that she is a sinner, like all of us.
Wife, we'll see. She comes in tonight at 8:30 pm.
HEY
Should I put back all the family photos I took out of the books?
I guess this is contrary to plan "A" being understanding(LoL).
Chris~

yes, put back the photos. And for rice cake DO have an upbeat atti2de when your W gets home.

She probably feels pretty cheap for being used that night, and dumping on her won't help either of you. So don't do it.

-2long

Chris - Think on these thoughts from Colossians 3:12:
Therefore as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them together in perfect unity.
As the leader in your home you need to put your marriage back together. Follow the MB principles, especially Plan A. Yes your wife as fallen, you need to pick her up.

Again Guys,
Thank you so for the encouragement.
Funny, she goes on post boards at ezboard. I have read them, and all the ladies there tell he it was OK, and that things like this happen, for me to just get a life and get over it.
And she entertains that. I think she wants to hear that. So she found it.
Anyway,
The pics are back, what a mess. 4 hours to undo 1 or 2 hours worth of sulking. I do hate the "poor me" junk that comes in my head.
HOW DO I DEAL WITH THE GRIEF? without dumping on her? Is it right for her to know I am hurting? daily?
Another question. Should I talk to this guy and find out the real story? the whole story? Or is that wrong?
Is it sick to want to know the details. I feel like a child has been murdered. It hurts but I feel I have the right to know. I feel as if 48 hours of my life, there is a gap, or hole.

I have another delema also.
She had been planing a trip to Dallas to meet her weight loss friends and spend the weekend with them.
They have dinner, dancing, parting on the list. I thougth she was not much of a partier until this surfaced. She does not have a problem with alcohol, but she did use it to numb herself to commmitt the act of infidelity.
Anyway. This is the final weekend she planned to meet with Corey. She is soooo mad she got busted and bitter she could not end it on her terms. Her brother and his wife will be gone for two weeks and it is "safe" for them to meet.
Do I trust her to not meet him.
I am thinking right now, what would have stopped him from driving to DFW for them to meet while she is waiting for her flight up here tonight. Insane, yes, but then again, the whole thing is.
Do I let her make the trip?
Knowing she is addicted to him? The affair, the bitterness on her part of not ending it her way (control issue).
?????????????????
Chris

Try to stay in Plan A. Where are the children while she is flying all around?

I have the kids, and am not sorry for that. I enjoy my time with them, however, they can be trying to say the least at times.

D-Day all over again. Just when I think all will be honest and true, she lies again.

She is seething when I pick her up from the airport last night. She waits till all the kids are in bed. lays down, then starts in with comments. "Go on, you can dig through all my bags, go on". Then comments on my phone conversation with her girlfriend that I knew she was going to stay with. All in hopes this best friend of hers would talk some sence into her.

The the big LIES start again. Renee states she is pissed because I went to her ezboard.
(the real reason is all the trash she talks about me, and my family),she knew because her friend saw her on there the day she was in the air. So when she got to her mom's she opened the Yahoo account and changed her logon name to ezboard.
SHE CAN NOT EVEN TELL HERSELF THE TRUTH ABOUT THE ADDICTION TO THIS GUY.
I told her I had a key tracker program installed and that she infact opened the email account here and that she is lying. She tells me to "show her"(this is the same defense she has mustered up all along)I told her I got rid of all records(I really did). I asked her why she really opened that account, was it to reestablish her affair? No reply. I want her to say it. Not me. So I did not push the issue.

OK, SO FAR, I AM WAAAAAAAAAAAAY OFF "PLAN A"
Then all the garble comes out of her that is clearly her mother. She has never come up with the stuff before, I love my wife, but she is not too quick on the up take if ya know what I mean.

She yells, tells me I have treated her like **** for 10 mother Fing years, and to F-off, F-off with guesture this time.
I tell her I am through. I do not want to discus this in anger. She can not communicate in the first place, and add anger, she falls apart like a wet newspaper.

We lay it down, decide to start fresh.

I can not trust her AT ALL.
The only reason I am not installing the keylogger back on our PC is she knows she was used by this guy, and that he talked much trash about her and she is shammed. I did not want to shame her further, but she did have to know the truth about this guy and his real feelings.

This past week has showed me that I can not controll someone, protect them from themselves, or make someone "see" anything.

I will re-read "Plan A" again. Pray, and turn all this over.
It is good to know that God is on my side to save this marriage. He wants us to stay together. So if I follow His lead, it will work out with His controll. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Chris - It is exceedingly difficult to stay in Plan A, but that is the best hope for your marriage. I couldn't put up with the lies, deception, and cold behavior and didn't do Plan A at all. Wish I had, now H and OW live together. Don't take the lies and blaming personally, it is what all these addicts do. Keep reading Plan A. It takes awhile to sink in. I will pray that with the Lord's help you can do this.

Chris -

The anger you're seeing from your wife is a good thing. I know it's difficult to take it, but it means that she's feeling the threat to the relationships that she's built and wants to keep.

Having said that, I would suggest several things for you:

1, continue to monitor her communications.

2, stop promising to stop. You're not going to, so knock it off.

3, stop LBing. No anger, no sarcasm, nothing.

4, continue to expose the affair. The things you hear back from your wife about what your friends and family have said are twisted through her views and what she's said to them. Don't worry about it. If you end up with one or two allies, you'll be doing very very well.

5, STOP LBing!!

6, start meeting her needs. YOu know what they are. Anything that you know she enjoys, do it. If she tells you to stop, then stop, otherwise keep it up. Her reactions will NOT be what they were before, but the fact that you're still trying will get through to her.

7, STOP LBING!!! (are you getting the picture yet?)

8, make careful, careful plans here. Get your head on straight. Decide to keep trying for six months or so. At the end of that time, have a fully set-up plan to get you and the kids out of the house and into a safe place to live, and to implement a full Plan B with no contact at all between you.

9, learn to talk to your wife about how much this affair and her continued contact with Corey hurts you. Learn to talk calmly, courteously, and respectfully about it. No yelling, no anger, no tears. Just a calm statement of how hurt you are, and a calm request to end all contact with him. Each and every day.

J,
I had done alot of manipulation of email, saying the right things to her brother and his spouse, used alot against Renee to get her to tell all. This was not the right way of doing this. It was a huge LB, and she did not trust me.
This is where the big change came in.
I put one last ditch effort into the trust locker with her. I gave my heart to her, confessed all I knew and how I knew it.
This was huge for her. She saw deception in what I was doing and said I was pushing her back into OM arms.
After reading this is a common thing, I thought what an idiot I was for doing this.
Anyway, she did tell me everything. It was not pleasent to hear, but I did need to hear it and now feel I can move on and start to build from there.
Thanks for all your support. BTW, it would not have helped to hear it from anyone else than her.
Chris~