It's been four days since I walked in on my husband having sex with a girl that he met at the beginning of the year. I've met her before at his friend's house and I instinctively did not get a good vibe from her...thus I've always acted aloof on the next two occasions where I was with my husband when he was hanging out with a crowd of his friends including that girl. I told my husband that I didn't get a good vibe from her and that I didn't like her for some reason. He on the other hand talk to her on the phone and chatted with her because this other guy within their circle of friends liked her. I told my husband I wasn't comfortable with him talking to her. One time when I found out he accompanied her to court to take care of a traffic ticket I was infuriated. Then I found out from the cell phone bill that he calls her a lot. I told him he shouldn't be doing that; he said it was harmless. We've been getting into arguments whenever clues came up but when I confront him, he keeps making up lies and I let it pass, although I was never totally convinced of the stories. She sent him a text msg and said to him "sorry about last night, get something to eat, I love you" and I found out about it. He told me that the guy that used to like her somehow got that girl's email and sent that to stir up trouble for my marriage. I believed him. I was so gullible. When I walked in on them, I started yelling, screaming, and running after that girl. She had parked inside my space inside the garage and couldn't get out because my car blocked hers and I was not going to let her get away this easily. I chased after her. She didn't seem apolegetic for what she did at all. I cursed at her and she just stood there. I half slapped/half punched her face because I wasn't getting a reaction. After I had calmed down some a few hours later, I found that I was actually calmer and rational. I knew that I loved my husband and wanted to stay with him. I realized that he kept on trying to make me aware of the fact that I am very aggressive in my personality and he felt as if I didn't give him the respect he deserved as a husband with the way I yell at him when he does not do chores around the house. He's been telling me this all along and I keep pushing him to the point where he gets so frustrated with me. So because of that I do realize that I had a part in this whole mess...the fact that I was not meeting some emotional need that the girl was able to provide. He's very apolegetic and is surprised that I told him I was willing to rebuild our marriage. He said he does not understand why I am doing this. He thinks he does not deserve what I am offering. He says I should be mad and angry and hate him. I'm mad and angry, at him, at her, and at myself...for letting things get this far, but I don't hate him. I hate what he did to me. Am I being too easy on him? He said that he wants some time to sort things out, to determine if he can ever forgive himself for doing this to me, even if I may be able to forgive him later, he does not think he can ever forgive himself. He's being as supportive as possible and I am surprisingly more calm. But when I start imagining what I saw, I get depressed and start crying. He tells me to stop crying or else he'll have to leave because he feels really bad when he sees my expression of hurt and it pains him. He says that it won't help him determine if we should stay together to work things out or that he should just be by himself. He says he has no plans to be with the other girl. When I asked him what she has that I couldn't provide, he said there wasn't anything. When I asked him why he didn't just tell me that he wanted to be with another person, he said that he didn't want to tell me because he wanted to be with me, but that the girl was able to listen to his troubles and when he is down, and I guess that sparked romantic feelings for him since she was more carefree...like how I used to be at the beginning of our relationship. He says that she treats him as an equal and not like a kid. I told him that I can be carefree too, but I have a home and a husband to worry about. And that I am currently supporting the family since my husband is laid off from work...which is a source of his insecurity and when we argue, I think I bring him down further and that is why he is depressed at times. I'm so confused and I feel so alone. I haven't spoken to anyone because I don't want anyone to know. I want to see if I can work this out with my husband and if so, I don't want people to judge him. I think the reason why I am being so rational about the whole ordeal is because I identify my own fault in it. But how am I supposed to know if he will ever hurt me like this again? I am very sexually attracted to him, but after this, how can I ever give my body to him again? I feel as if I failed our marriage. And I'm sure he does too. But also, I feel that had this not happened, I don't think I would have genuinely realized how bad our marriage was becoming. This definitely served to be a wake up call and I have full intention in making it work. This is not to say that I am glad it happened. I'm so confused in my emotions. He has been as loving as can be and as supportive as can be. I find strength in him when he is around and I am ok. But when I'm by myself, I start to imagine, and my depression sets in. Please provide feedback if you have anything to say about this. We don't have kids right now, but I would like to in the near future, but how can I get past this hurt and get assurance that it'll never happen again before I can move on with our marriage. he seems to be having more trouble with it and dealing with the guilt. He said he was glad he was caught because he was consumed in all the lies that he had been telling me and the other girl. In order to get the other girl to go out with him even though she knows he was married, he told her that our marriage was empty and it was just for show and she bought it. He said he only said that so that she would hang around but that is not the truth and he did not mean that and he knows there is much in our relationship. Should I believe this? I was hurt that he would use that as a bait to reel her in. I'm mad at her for being so stupid as to get involved with another woman's man. Is it ok for me to push all of my anger on her? He said that she was expecting that he would leave me for her. I asked if he had intention of that and he said no. Obviously he had to keep her around because she was providing comfort to him. But with the lies that he revealed to me, I'm hurt of all the lies he told her about our marriage to keep her around. Please help!

I am sorry that happened - what an aweful way to find out. I may not be of much help, because I am going through my own struggle, but I was on the flip side of the coin that you are - I understand the lies that are told because I was the liar. My H found out by a hotel bill, but it was still as shocking to him. Like you, he blames himself for a lot of it, and is doing everything he can to be a better H so I don't stray again. I would encourage you to forgive him, but don't smother him in the process. This could push him away further. Being the affender, I understand that affairs are very, very powerful, and are hard to break off, and the greiving is just as real as breaking any other relationship. Support him if he's willing to not see her anymore - there are no easy positions in this game. And about the trust, and possible children, it might be wise for you both to get some counseling before you decide to bring children into the picture - if it's not working, kids won't make it better, and they will suffer most in the end.

Pringles,

I am so sorry that you have to be here, but I am glad that you found out about this site quickly. Read everything you can about Plan A right now and put it into action.

There is so much in your post that is hopeful for your marriage surviving this trauma. You understand you had a part in making your marriage deteriorate (does NOT mean you had any part in your H's choice to have an affair). You realize you want the marriage to work. You are willing to give your husband a chance and know that you both have work to do.

Your H, on the other hand, also appears to be willing to consider rebuilding with you and hints at being remorseful for what he has done. These are all good things.

You felt, instinctively, that this OW (other woman) was an enemy from the start. Despite the indications here and there that something was going on, you chose to believe in your H and trust that he wouldn't do anything to harm you. The fact that you had this faith in him speaks volumes. It is a good indicator that your giving him another chance is not a foolish thing. He earned your trust in the past, he can do so again.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He's very apolegetic and is surprised that I told him I was willing to rebuild our marriage. He said he does not understand why I am doing this. He thinks he does not deserve what I am offering.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is pretty typical of many WS (wayward spouses) to feel the horror and guilt for what they have done. Caution: he says he does not deserve a second chance. Don't let him try to twist this into a reason for leaving. Again, read up on Plan A. You need to reassure him that you believe he is worth giving another chance and that it is your decision to do so out of love for him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He said that he wants some time to sort things out, to determine if he can ever forgive himself for doing this to me, even if I may be able to forgive him later, he does not think he can ever forgive himself.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is another of those kinds of statements that are part truth, but might be hiding some ulterior motive. While it is very hard for a WS (wayward spouse) to forgive themself for what they have done, they sometimes use it as an excuse for leaving the marriage. Plan A will put a huge dent in that kind of thinking.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But when I start imagining what I saw, I get depressed and start crying. He tells me to stop crying or else he'll have to leave because he feels really bad when he sees my expression of hurt and it pains him. He says that it won't help him determine if we should stay together to work things out or that he should just be by himself.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">At four days post d-day you can't help reliving that awful moment when you caught them. And in the manner that you did, it is one of the most painful and difficult to recover from. But it can be done. It will take a lot of time, up to 2 years is the going minimum.

Sure, right now he is seeing how badly he has hurt you. But he needs to see that. If he's saying you can't cry because he might have to leave you that is only because he is trying to spare himself pain. Plan A will balance your pain that he must endure with good things so he can see that even though he has caused you deep pain, he will also see that you still love him and want to make it work. Encourage him to come read here. It might help him to understand what you are going though. The books "Surviving an Affair" by Harley and "After the Affair" by Abrams-Spring are both very good suggestions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told him that I can be carefree too, but I have a home and a husband to worry about. And that I am currently supporting the family since my husband is laid off from work...which is a source of his insecurity and when we argue, I think I bring him down further and that is why he is depressed at times.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He is just beginning to see the fantasy that his affair, and all affairs, really are. There is no comparison to living in a day-to-day marriage, where all of our warts and shortcomings appear all too regularly.

His being out of work is a factor in everything. Another suggested book to read is "His Needs, Her Needs" by Harley. One of many women's most important emotional needs is to be supported financially by her husband. Instinctively he knows this, which makes him feel like a failure. His inability to get work might be one of the reasons you "treat him like a child" or he interprets your relationship this way. Marital counseling will help you sort out these sorts of issues.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I haven't spoken to anyone because I don't want anyone to know. I want to see if I can work this out with my husband and if so, I don't want people to judge him.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The MB (MarriageBuilders) recommendation is to tell everyone and anyone about the affair, to bring it out in the open, to help break the fantasy of it. I didn't do this. I told one very close friend, my H told one friend, our pastor, and of course our marriage counselor knew. I did not tell family or others because my H was making clear attempts to heal our marriage. Others feel differently about this and will give you their perspective. I can only say you should do what you feel is best.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How am I supposed to know if he will ever hurt me like this again?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can't possibly know that at this point. My H had TWO affairs. After the first one not much changed in our marriage. He did it again. After affair two, things really changed (I claimed my part in the marital mess and he owned up to the reasons he sought out the other women... we both made the effort to figure out why). Now our marriage is stronger than ever and our love in full force. Do I trust yet that he won't do this again? Not yet. But I have begun to trust that if the circumstances ever arise to make our marriage unhappy that we must do something about it to prevent either of us from straying!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am very sexually attracted to him, but after this, how can I ever give my body to him again?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your emotions will rule on this one. Don't be surprised if one moment you give in to a wild, passionate love-making session and the next you don't want him to touch you. It comes with recovery. Be honest with your feelings. Tell your H you are attracted to him but that you are afraid he'll hurt you.

Having found out the way you did can also be a major stumbling block as it has been for others who walked in on the adultery. It can make it very difficult to make love with your H without breaking down and crying. This will have to heal on its own timetable. It may be very slow, or it may happen more quickly than you can now imagine. But it will happen if your H provides you loving support.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I feel as if I failed our marriage. And I'm sure he does too. But also, I feel that had this not happened, I don't think I would have genuinely realized how bad our marriage was becoming.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You both failed to keep each other's needs first and foremost in your mind and efforts. Many people say the affair woke them up. I know it did for me (the second time). I know it is not the preferred way to address problems in a marriage, but the silver lining for us is that it finally lead to a healthy, happy marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We don't have kids right now, but I would like to in the near future...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Recovery is estimated to take at least two years at minimum. Give yourself this time and try not to complicate it by bringing a new baby into the situation. Delay this desire until the marriage is on solid ground and both of you are in a place to desire a baby. Pregnancy and newborns bring a whole set of challenges to a marriage that neither of you are equipped to deal with right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In order to get the other girl to go out with him even though she knows he was married, he told her that our marriage was empty and it was just for show and she bought it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has said so many lies, to both you and she. He will have to unravel them all. You'll wonder if he is lying to you that he didn't care about her, either.... and the truth will probably come out in drips and drabs that he actually did have strong feelings for her. He might have actually entertained the thought of leaving you for her. He may look back a few months from now, after some healing, and counseling, and think, "I can't believe I ever thought that!" He is in a confused state right now, to be sure.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is it ok for me to push all of my anger on her?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is impossible not to feel angry at the OW right now. She had her part in causing the pain you now feel. But compassionately understanding that she was lied to as well will begin to make those feeligs of anger and hatred lessen. Your true problem is with your husband. He is the one who betrayed your vows. He is the one who is ultimately the cause of your pain. It is easier, early on, to push those feelings off on the other person. Nearly everyone does this.

You are at the beginning of a terrible, difficult, roller-coaster ride. But as one who is nearly 1-1/2 years out from a second affair, I can encourage you that this pain does lessen, answers will come, and love can return. It takes work and it takes time.

Keep posting. And encourage your husband to read here and post as well. I think you both will benefit.

Take care.

Thank you for your replies thus far, especially Snowbelle. It is really helping me sort out my thoughts and not feel so alone in this matter.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You felt, instinctively, that this OW (other woman) was an enemy from the start. Despite the indications here and there that something was going on, you chose to believe in your H and trust that he wouldn't do anything to harm you. The fact that you had this faith in him speaks volumes. It is a good indicator that your giving him another chance is not a foolish thing. He earned your trust in the past, he can do so again.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I definitely struggled with this point because I tried constantly to point it out to him that I did not feel comfortable about him talking with her or communicating with her in any fashion. At times he would chat with her at night when I'm asleep because he couldn't sleep since he was in a depressed state (during the time he was just laid off). And when I found out about his chatting, I addressed the issue immediately. And when clues starting to come out, I kept on accusing him of having an affair with the OW. It seems as if I accused him much earlier about having one than when he actually did. Do you think that this may have put the idea in his mind? I remember he once said "if I'm going to be accused of something, then might as well do it since you already see me as a bad person." It keeps making me think that it was a self-fulfilling prophecy or something.

I do think that my husband is genuinely remorseful. He's been visiting the temple in which he has been going to since childhood. He visits it at night and says that the calm of the surrounding and the peacefulness that fills the cool air allows him to recount everything that has happened, everything that he has done, and what he must do for the future, and whether he allows himself a second chance with me.

I often times feel it is a seesaw effect, when he is down, I'm trying to support him by being the stronger person and providing comfort. When I am down, he tries to be the stronger person and provides me comfort. At times when I see him acting "Normal" as if what had happened is out of his mind, I start to get sad and start thinking about what I had experienced and doubting whether our marriage will work out. At those times, I'll cry, and he'll tell me to not cry anymore because it hurts him...and that just because he does not show it, he's thinking about what he has done every second of the day.

What I don't understand is during the time when he was unfaithful, I didn't pick up on any change as to how he dealt with me. He was still very sweet and loving and normal, except save those times where we're in arguments. I know that we did have arguments about why we weren't having as much sex as we did before. At those times, he would say that sex is not that important to him and that I was just addicted to it. I on the other hand, just wanted to maintain the same intimacy level that we have had in the past. He said that he was too stressed out about the business that he and his partner was trying to start up to think about sex. I also noticed that his sexual stamina was decreasing during our sessions, but I just attributed it to his stress.

He said that most of time, it wasn't all about sex with the OW. Most of the time, he would go out to eat with her in the afternoon (while I'm at work)..and they just talk for the most part. I guess the talking built into more as time went on.

What really disgusted me is looking back, had I known he was with the other woman, I wouldn't have wanted any sex with him at all. The thought of him being with her and then me later was just too disgusting. And what really hurts was that we were both virgins coming into this relationship. He and I had never had any other sexual partner and that was something I pride our relationship on. But now, I've lost that. I told him that all I can hang on to now since I've lost his body is that hopefully I still have his heart. He struggles to tell me about his feelings for the OW. At times he said that she was just a temporary thing until our marriage got better and that he was planning to end it. At other times, he said he has feelings for her, more of caring feelings rather than of love. Then at others he says he does not know if he loves her. This confusion in him is what worries me. I can give up the fact that his body was shared, but I don't want his heart to be shared. I want myself to be the only one there.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Your emotions will rule on this one. Don't be surprised if one moment you give in to a wild, passionate love-making session and the next you don't want him to touch you. It comes with recovery. Be honest with your feelings. Tell your H you are attracted to him but that you are afraid he'll hurt you.

Having found out the way you did can also be a major stumbling block as it has been for others who walked in on the adultery. It can make it very difficult to make love with your H without breaking down and crying. This will have to heal on its own timetable. It may be very slow, or it may happen more quickly than you can now imagine. But it will happen if your H provides you loving support. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you're correct in your assessment. At times I feel as if I just want to make love to him right then and there...thinking it will make me feel better. But then I stop myself when I think of what I saw and how I was betrayed.

He says that if he were in my shoes, he would hate me and would have left the marriage. He doesn't understand at all why I would ever give him another chance.

Thanks for your replies. Any suggestions/comments/recommendations would help me an awful lot.