Author Topic: Wanting feedback
Lisart
Junior Member
Member # 31574
posted November 23, 2003 07:49 PM
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Hello:
This is my first post. I have been visiting this site for several days now and have found a great deal of comfort and wisdom here. I just found out about my husband's A. a week ago Sat.
I knew that I wanted to forgive him immediately and I wanted to heal our marraige and ourselves and rebuild our love. I should add that we have been good friends for over twenty years and have been married five 1/2. (together 6)
Our relationship has extra challenges to it. We are of different cultures and races. But many of our issues are the same issues we unfortunaely all share... The LB's, the conflicts, the overdrawn love bank accounts...The independent lifestyles.
He says he ended the affair sometime back. He said he felt guilty and morally wrong about it. I have stated that he must stop his unfaithfulness and let him now that if he strays again, he needs to know I can not handle that.
Originally he denied the affair. He had been DX'd with an STD and tried to make me believe it had been dormant for many years and predated our relationship. After treatment, and reviewing my medical records, I asked him to speak to the evidence and he admitted it.
Part of what I am wanting from the forum is guidance and reassurance. I am seeing a therapist and have read much on this web site and other literature, and plan to put Dr. Harley's program to work. What bother's me is that I am overriding my anger and hurt to do the "right" thing. I am processsing as fast as I can. But I need help with intrusive thoughts about OW. And anger with DWH. I know very few details about the A. And this is probably a good thing.
I had felt something lift in our relationship a few moths ago. He became kinder to me, more pleasant and affectionate, after being withdrawn and rather mean spirited for a very long time. I believe this helps to confirm that the A is over.
I am scared because my husband doesn't know how he feels about me. He will not say that he loves me. I have waited for over a year to hear him say this. I know he is angry... Proably in a MLC, (He'll be 51 in Jan) and redirecting anger to me as well as being angry with me. I know that he has been wounded. I want to tend to his wounds. To meet his needs and fill him up. I also want to have him meet my needs. In my heart of hearts, I feel that he does love me. He is just not "ready" to say it. He does seem open to hearing what I am suggesting.
I feel like a fool in love. I admit that he is the love of my life. And that I will do whatever it takes to make our life together successful. But I am working at this so much harder than he is. He shows very little remorse for causing me this pain. He has been out of town on business since Thurs. he comes home tomorrow. He just called and was friendly to me. Still it hurt to have him say "Goodnight." not, "I miss you too.."
It has been very difficult having him gone so soon after this. I am in nursing school and won't get home until ten tomorrow night. Then his family (who doesn't know) comes in for a big ( about 50 folks) Thanksgiving reunion.
This is long. I apologize for rambling. I don't want to loose this marraige. And I don't want to loose myself either.
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Posts: 1 | Registered: Nov 2003 | IP: Logged |
I reposted here bcause I posted in emotional needs first
