Can anyone tell me if they are going through this? I am having a hard time trusting people. even to the point that I feel people are ignoring me. I have feelings of being ashamed that I have never had. Why is this?

Welcome to the club. I know exactly how you feel. Right after D-day, I didn't trust anyone and felt like people didn't like me. It's probably a defense mechanism, but sure is miserable. It will get better with time. Realize that this is a normal reaction, and give yourself a break. Some people can be trusted. Also the being ignored feeling is normal. Your self esteem has probably taken a beating. Try to be good to yourself until you recover a little.

Thanks.

Tonite, my WW is suppose to call me so we can talk about her possibly wanting to work on the marriage. I do not believe her because everything she is doing is so wicked and deceitful. Did anyone have there WS tell them if they can have the house to themself that they would work on the marriage? She continues to see the OM and he gets more time with my kids that I do - way more time.

Joe- Sorry, you cannot trust WS. Shortly after I found out about A, my H became real nice to me and said he just wanted to work on reconciliation. He wanted me to move in with my kids. I almost did, but discovered he was still with OW. I calmly asked him that if I moved out, what was to prevent her from moving in? He said that that would never happen, that he was married to me. Well now they are living together. Had I left, they would be living in our house together. Don't believe anything. If she is ready to reconcile, you will see it in her actions, not her words.

Yeah. I have been struggling with this for over a week and now I do not want to talk with her. I am sure she will give me that chance since she never believes that she has to show me respect and follow through. She use to let me talk and not hang up the phone - now she is the queen.

bump bump bump bump

Hi JoeCM,

Some people take on the shame feeling when they learn that their partner has betrayed them, deceived them, cheated on them. I remember the feeling of shame when I learned what was going on.

The BS feels stupid, dense, ridiculous. We wonder who else knew about the affair. I didn't want to visit my H's office, because I thought I saw pity in the eyes of his staff, because they knew how chummy he was with OW.

We feel undesirable, sexless, desperate, rejected. We feel humble, humiliated, second-rate.

Discovering betrayal colors our being. We wear the betrayal like an ugly motheaten coat. It's as if the words "couldn't keep spouse" flashed across our foreheads.

I wanted to avoid everyone we knew.

Joe, don't give in to those feelings. See a shrink, ask for meds to help you cope for awhile.
Sorry, it stinks, the deception/betrayal/mockery. It's like a murder.

In the Hebrew Bible, the subject of humiliating another person in public is dealt with as though it was murder. When you shame someone publicly, it is as if you had made their blood spill into the ground. When we are shamed, even the most stone-faced of us can't help but show it on our faces.

The worst part is, you can't actually go up to people and ask them "Did you know?" because the cost of wiping out the doubt is too high. The cost is that if you ask, you could reveal the shame to someone who didn't know before you told them. The other price is that if the person you ask did know, they knew more about your marriage than you yourself did.

Affairs make us outsiders in our own marriages. Our marriages are supposed to be the one place in our lives where we are both insiders. It's awful painful.

JoeCM -

I agree with all of what Bellevue said about how a BS feels and shame is one of the feelings.

I hadn't seen my parents since I discovered the A (and visited them for a few days) until last week. They know about the A and I passed along details of the A as I learned them.

I just felt so ashamed last week while they were staying with us. I felt like I had let them down somehow by settling for a life with a serial cheater and liar. I didn't expect to feel like that.

In fact, I'm having a hard time shaking that ashamed feeling. I don't understand it...I didn't have the A.

Just letting you know that others have that feeling also. I pretty much keep to myself now. I was outgoing and friendly but now rarely leave my office or speak with anyone. I hope it passes.

SSS

Joe... you're going to feel like that. In the year or two leading up to D-Day, I felt like I was gradually losing touch with my close friends, and that there was a distance growing between us. When I tried to reach out it made some difference, but not as much as I expected.

Turns out, they all knew about WW's A #3. This put them in a crappy position because they didn't know what to do with this info (after much thought, two of them sat WW down and told her, end the A NOW or we tell your husband), and as a result it made them very uncomfortable around me, given how blissfully ignorant I was of everything.

I, too, felt ashamed when I first found out, especially when it became clear how many people knew already. I also felt stupid, humiliated, naive, and easily led. I kept thinking, "how could everybody else have known this and I never picked up on it?" Seems to be a common question among BSs.

What really helped, however, was that instead of withdrawing from those people, I talked to them. A lot. I think that helped immeasurably (me, anyway -- didn't do WW's reputation any favours). It put me on a level playing field with my friends: there was no need to be uncomfortable around me, since I now knew it all. They didn't have to worry about keeping a secret or avoiding hurting me because WW had already done that and now I knew about it.

Seriously... if any of those people you're withdrawing from are close friends of yours, talk to them. They'd probably love to talk to you about it and support you but they need for you to make the first move. Friends are an invaluable resource when you find out your spouse has betrayed you. Don't deny yourself access to them.

My situation is strange in that nobody knew except her and her mom and stepdad. She still denies it and of course since she moved out and filed for D she will not admit anything. My shame is not overbearing it was just strange to notice it was there.

I do love her and anything I do that causes her pain makes me shiver and cry. It is amazing what a marriage should be and what a farce ares was. After today, I am going to find it interesting to see if she will even talk with me or call me. She thought she had it all figured out and that everything was going her way until the Judge today told her that I will get overnites with my girls and that she needs to understand that this is a part of divorce. I even get to take the girls every other Sun. to church which I am very excited about. They so love there classes.....now I need to learn how to entertain them together...it is a shame that I do not have any close friends....they all disappeared when I got married....
Thanks for the help. I need all I can get. I want her back and I have told her I am willing to fight and wait it out no matter how long it takes...Lets hope this OM and WW split up...That would solve the major issue.....