the ow in our life is pregnant with H child.<BR>i don't mind him paying child support but i don't want him visiting the child/mother on regular basis. i don't think i can stay married to him with continue contact with ow. please give me some advice on this subject.

well I have a friend that was in the same situation you are. the ow has married someone else and my friend and her husband have a child of their own now and they see his other daughter on a reguler basis. my friend says she has two daughters....it can all work out it just takes time.....the child is a innocent part of the problem and does not deserve to be punished for something that was not its fault.<P>you maybe surprised how rewarding a relationship with the child could be. You can have a relationship with the child and not the mother....<P>amanda<P>------------------<BR>I will love my husband "Always & Forever" <BR>thevancefamily@hotmail.com<P><BR>

sadlady:<P>My advice is for you and your husband to follow Harley's "Four Rules for a Successful Marriage". The main one here that applies is the Rule of Complete Honesty. You should let your husband know exactly how you feel. And then you should both use the Policy of Joint Agreement to discuss this situation and arrive at a "win-win" solution.<P>For instance, if your husband would be willing to never see the OC, that would work for you.<P>Another solution is for you to be the mediator in this---you could be the point of contact for the OC, and your husband would never see or speak with the OW again.<P>There are a variety of solutions. What you need to tell your husband is what bothers you (and why), and help him come up with solutions that will protect your feelings, and demonstrate to you his love.

sadlady,<BR>First, so sorry you have reason to joined our ranks, but this board is a wonderous source of support. Second, listen to K. He is raising his wife's child by another man and seems to be a wise angel. Third, you will find other women here like myself in this situation, if that comforts you and gives you a reality check.<P>K's advice is the best. DITTO the JOINT POLICY OF AGREEMENT. It is critical!!<P> If you want another example, I'll offer mine. We moved before the child was born and have never seen her but in pictures. The X-OW learned to quit being "chummy" and only sends a rare update about the child only. My H never sends anything without my seeing the content and sealing it, limited to ch-support, gifts for child, or essential info. like health insurance. We send the child gifts on major holidays and half-hope to see her on summer breaks when she is school-age, because her current family is very dysfunctional. But if the OW remarries H is willing to let the new H adopt. We pity the child, but we won't let this break up our family ever again.<P>There are of course other possibilities, such as (if OW will agree) termination of parental rights/responsibilities, ch-support without ever seeing child, etc. etc.<P>Best wishes,<BR>J

THANKS EVERYONE FOR YOUR ADVICE<BR>I WAS REALLY DEPRESS FOR THE LAST SEVERAL DAYS.JENNY WHEN YOU FOUND OUT ABOUT THE OTHER CHILD HOW DID IT MAKE YOU FEEL AS A WOMEN....... THIS REALLY HURTS........ I TOLD MY H (WHO IS A HUNTER) HE COULD HAVE TAKEN HIS GUN AND SHOT ME AND GOT THE SAM EFFECT.

Sadlady: I am so very, very sorry you are here. I am in a very bad place right now and cannot offer too much, however, feel free to look up past postings. I hope you can gain some insight from my story. You're on my prayer list-I'll be storming the heavens for you, too.

sadlady,<BR>sorry to take so long in replying. I did not see your question until catnip posted.<P>It is difficult to describe my feelings as you asked, but I can definately relate to the "you could've shot me for the same effect" feeling. In my darkest moments I've wished he had done just that, to spare me the pain of it all. This betrayal came towards the end of a 3 year period in which we lost our second child at birth, then two miscarriages. On top of that, the XOW, who was very close, even offered to be a surrogate mother for us after the third loss--(DURING the affair!)--but H turned her down. And there I was, ignorantly thinking what a "great" friend she was!!!!!! Both her betrayal and her child hurts more than I will ever be able to express. <P>Please nurture yourself as much as possible at this time. You have suffered a horrible blow. You will experience all the stages of grief/loss. Be as kind to yourself as you can. Your life will get better...<P>Best wishes,<BR>J

SadLady:<P>I too am so sorry that you are here (however it is a great source of comfort). My H has a son by his OW. She was a friend of "ours" I thought and the fact that she bore his child is the worst type of pain and humiliation I believe a person can endure. The child is now 1 year old and I am simply in a state of constant ups and downs. My H never wanted to leave me - I guess have his cake and eat it too. Jenny and K are right - honesty is the only policy no matter what you decide to do. My perfect solution would to be to never see the child or the XOW (she was 19 at the time)- she has no life now (good for her); but I simply didn't want ANY of that crap to invade our lives (especially while we have a 3 year old daughter and we were trying to pur our marriage back together). Nonetheless to make a long story short -caught H lying about seeing the child - would see him behind my back and see her behind my back and each visit would include XOW. I still don't know if he is "seeing" her or if it is simply for the child (I guess I'll always wonder). Have offered compromises - never accepts them. I have seen the child several times now and after the first time it wasn't so bad. I have learned to love the little guy for simply being a "baby" and trying very hard not to associate "who" he is. My H (I just found out this weekend) is still lying to me about talking to OW. I don't know what I'm going to end up doing- because if I don't have honesty - each time I find out a lie - I slip back many many steps in the healing process - I can't get my H to understand this (sad). I know he really loves me - he just feels guilty for what he has done to this girl's life. I try to understand that, but I hate her so much for the pain she and he have caused me - it's really hard to be sympathetic. Please try to have hope - YOU CAN SURVIVE THIS - it won't be easy (heaven knows) but somehow you find the strength - take one day at a time.<P>------------------<BR>

Im also dealing with an OW/OC issue right now concerning visits.... I don't know where we will end up with this and conversation can end up very hurtful and sometimes even more upsetting afterwards...<P>OW says H can see OC at MIL's if H comes alone, and I say... Involve me in EVERYTHING, because I really need to rebuild my trust... So H can't see OC at this time, If MIL wouldn't have allowed the affair in her home, then I may have allowed visits there, but I know that it is not a secure invironment....<P>look at my profile sadlady and you'll see that I went through discovery of OW's pregnancy while I was also pregnant... OC is H's only son and life is not alway kind, that is for sure...<P>I get through with prayer...cozy

wow, USED@BE, I did not realize we had that in common: XOW and I also gave birth in the same month. What a horrible thing to do to the children. A prayer for your marriage.<P>Blessings to each and every one of us. We deserve them!!!!