Question.
Should I talk to the other guy and find out the whole story?
I do want to know details. Sick or not, I need to know what all they did, sexual, emotional, platonic.
It is like your child being murdered, you don't want to know, but feel that you have to know to move on.
Does this make sense?
Chris~

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris35:
<strong> Question.
Should I talk to the other guy and find out the whole story?
I do want to know details. Sick or not, I need to know what all they did, sexual, emotional, platonic.
It is like your child being murdered, you don't want to know, but feel that you have to know to move on.
Does this make sense?
Chris~ </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think it would be appropriate to try to get details from him.

I found it quite theraputic to call my wife's OM (after talking to OM's wife and she gave me his cell phone number, LOL) and ask him what scripture condoned him having a relationship with my wife behind the backs of me and his wife.

I also asked him to politely step out of our lives.

Well, I did it in a voice mail.

To say my wife was freaked out would be an understatement, but the OM did call back and say he would be stepping back and leaving her alone.

I doubt I can believe him, but since I also have his wife's cell phone number, I can follow up with her and we can watch each other's backs for a while.

But I wouldn't expect any details from him, nor do I think it is appropriate to ask.

-jC

I do not think that the OP is the proper person from which to seek this information. I do not know how an OP could have enough credibility for his/her answer to be trusted, first of all. Secondly, that is still putting the OP in a position between you and your spouse. This action still utilizes the OP as the means of coping with the EN void in your marriage (in this case, honesty and openness). Having this man too involved in your marriage and utilizing him to compensate for marital shortfallings led to this problem. I don't see how a continued dependency on him from either of you can be good. Thirdly, No Contact for the rest of your lives applies to the BS as well as the WS. This person should be completely removed from your lives. Finally, I could also see this quickly becoming a brawl.

Why can you not get the information you need from your spouse?

<small>[ November 24, 2003, 04:42 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

The hard part is that I did know some details, and I had asked her specificly about, she denyed them, that told me that she was not willing to be truthfull about it.
I can see shame on her part for this, but also, some coviting in the fact that she knows, I don't type thing???

Another problem is, what if this is all a front, a scam they worked out, to throw me off their trail.

See, he talked bad about her to her brother, knowing this would get the brother off his back, and make sure he identified that he was not pursueing her anymore.
They did devise a plan in case people found out.
I am worried that they planned to meet in December, no matter what was said, or actions done.

I think you need to be more worried about what is planned NOW then what they planned in the past. That needs cleaned up first.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Another problem is, what if this is all a front, a scam they worked out, to throw me off their trail. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ok, let's start here. What is the recovery plan? Have you exposed your W's affair? Has it ended? Has she sent a no contact letter? Are you in recovery?

If so, trust needs rebuilt. Now, here is the place that many BSs drop the ball. It is NOT the BS's place to rebuild the credibility of the WS. It isn't your place to PROVE contact between them exists. It is your spouse's place to prove that there is NOT contact between them.

Tools used for this all fall under the Policy of Radical Honestly. She needs to be 100% accountable for her time and leave contact information for you to contact her whereever she is. Her whereabouts should always be verifiable. Especially in initial recovery, if she can't verify that she is going someplace - she doesn't go. You need all her voicemail and email account passwords. (IM/Chat/etc falls under this category.)

So, what is your recovery plan?

<small>[ November 24, 2003, 04:50 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

Chris, I am not sure it is the best thing to do. I did talk by phone to other guy and he revealed some things that really made me sick. I thought I wanted to confront him face to face for all the pain he has brought, but I am afraid I may hurt him and I have to think of the small children I have. Also, he threatened to tell her family members if there was another contact and I want to protect her from the shame. So, I feel blackmailed.

Chris is the OM married?

If so then the correct thing to do is expose the affair to his BS as well.

Then after a little while you can contact the OP's spouse and do some note comparing.

If he is single then you really have nothing to work with.

Any man that would pursue a married woman on purpose is not going to have creditability. Now its possible that they both became too involved and cross the line. But still you aren't going to get legit answers from the OM.

Heck my wife's OM wanted to come and talk to me and tell me they were just friends when I first found out but had nothing to suggest it had been physical.

Imagine some guy with over 12 prior affairs involved with my wife 2 1/2 years 20 months of it completely physical looking me in the eye and telling me they were just good friends who talked too much.

Geesh I would have had to kill him when I found out later.

But keep in mind this same guy pushed to come to our house to borrow a campertop for his Tahoe even though my wife was going to take it to him and didn't want him coming to our home. So only a snowball's chance in hades you can count on the truth from the OM.

My wife's OM think the affair is somehow willed by God. All of his lying to his wife and me and who knows how many others like his children, is in his mind, blessed by God. The violation of two sacred marital covenents is in his mind blessed by God. I doubt if this guy would know the truth if God told it to him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Chris35:
<strong>Sick or not, I need to know what all they did, sexual, emotional, platonic.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Chris it's not sick to need to know these things - it's perfectly natural. You need to know what your wife did in order to forgive her. But you have to be prepared for how those details might affect you.

However, no - don't contact this guy. Your talking about a single guy in his late twenties right? He slept with a married woman....no, don't talk him; nothing positive will come of that.

The only reason I could think of to contact him is in the future, if you and wife are recovering and he is "stalking" her.

For now, just accept that they had sex, and they likely covered all the gorey bases therein. You can't force your wife to give you those details - because you don't want to punish her for her honesty or LB her. You might have to wait a little bit for them to come.

What is happening? Is the A over? Are you in Plan A? Counselling?

Chris -

I felt like you, that I wanted/needed to know the details. I continued to discuss this (alone and in MC) with my H until he finally told me what I wanted to know. It wasn't until OWH and I compared notes that my H finally told me the truth about everything.

I wouldn't speak to the OM. But be careful if you do...be prepared for more lies. I spoke with the OW two times and she told me a bunch of lies. Also tried to tell me that I had no idea of the feelings that she and my H had for each other. I felt worse after speaking with her.

I would let your W know how important it is for you to discuss the A details. To avoid crying and LBing, I listened to my H as though he was telling me a story about someone else to get me through it. I asked questions like I was a reporter out to get the whole story. It wasn't until later on that I cried my heart out.

sss

<small>[ November 24, 2003, 08:16 PM: Message edited by: stillsosad ]</small>

Thank you all for your advice.
I knew that talking to him would be distructive, and not really productive.
When Renee say me on this last night, she asked what I had posted. I was affraid to let her see. I minimized the screen. She insisted on seeing. I told her a brief overview and why I was asking, I was honest, and upfront. She appreciated that and wanted to know why. I told her it would help me move on if I knew everything.
We went to bed around 9:45, and talked to 12:30. She did'nt turn away from me. I was totaly honest about everything she asked, she could tell, so she was totaly honest with me, and she did tell me everything, that we could get out at the time. I was not forcing the issues. I just let her talk. When she asked if anything else was bothering me, I said yes, told her, and she told me. She was very ashamed of some stuff, and of the total act, only because I was HONEST with her she came clean.
This post site had been the best thing I have come across (I hate the reason why), but it has helped us work through this with honesty and patients for eachother.
She can tell when I am being honest and that makes her be honest with me.
Funny, it's like a secret plan that has worked, but it is NO SECRET that we all have known.

I am not saying we are all dealing with the same situation, as a matter-of-fact, my troubles seem very minimal compaired to most in here. And for anyone in here to take the time to read, understand, and post is a real blessing for my family.