I want to know who you get past the fact that in my H eyes the other OW is perfect? He says "she never hurt me, ever". I told him that he never had to live with her, or make life decisions with her. I feel as if I will never measure up and she is the "Total Package", (as he put in several letters to her). How do you get past this? I feel as if I wasn't the mother of his children he would marry her. (She is married I should add).

Also, sex. I would like to try new things, be free to have sex whenever and where ever we want. He feels like I am bringin the "cheap" or "cheat" into our marriage. Why it is okay to write sexy e-mails, and have wild sex with the OW, but not me. Any ideas on this area? His excuse part of the time is that he doesn't want the children to hear, but yet he screwed one of the OW in our home when the children and I were there asleep!! He would be on line writing to the OW with us in the room. Any help here?

I also feel like he put a lot of time into e-mails, meeting places to the OW, but yet life, work, and children keep him from writing to me. Jealous, you bet I am. She took up so much of his time and our time, that I want that same kind of time from him now with me!

He does want to make this marriage work and has been there when I needed him, and has done most everything I have asked.

Help!

He is still in the fog. Of course he feels like he does. He is in fantasyland. The OW can do nothing wrong - she hasn't lived with him. Stay in Plan A and hang in there. Things will get better.

t456
OMG I could have written this post!!!

Let me first say I can understand your feelings because I deal with them everyday.
It is so hard to get past the fact that OW seems to be perfect.Just remember even if he won't, she is only human and she really is not different than you,except you did not cheat she did.That means you are already better than she is.
I tell my H all the time that if he treated OW like he treats me she would not have fallen for him because he would have not given her the time he did.That is one thing I get upset with also.The time he took for her,same thing here with me I send him and email,I get NOTHING in return.I'm not really sure if I have any advise on how to get past it but I did want to let you know you are not alone in this frustration.

How long has it been since d-day?
One thing that does help is time,as time passes they forget even if we don't and life becomes more normal.

Just remember this,you are BETTER than the OW you are his wife who has stayed by his side.Would OW stay with him if he cheated on her????? I don't think they think about that.

Good luck to you.
And by the way welcome to MB

t456, I actually found a list in the back of a book my WS had been reading when he was trying to justify what he was feeling. OW was under "perfect" things in his life. I of course was under "not perfect"...... even his motorcycle got on the "perfect" list lol. It took him along time to see some small faults regarding OW and even though others here told me I had a very hard time not lbing about her because I knew her so well, I knew her deep dark secrets that even WS didn't know. Of course he didn't believe me and it just confused him. He actually got headaches from trying to work it out in his mind, what I was saying and what she was.

Just recently I have been able to let go, I can't forgive her yet, which is something I know someday I will. But I realize she is living her life and has no remorse for what she has done so why should I be in pain when she is not. And that small thing has enabled me to stop lbing about her and that in turn has made WS able to start thinking on his own. He is beginning to see more and more what she actually was like and even though he still has feeling for her and says there is some things she gives that I can't but also some things I give that she can't.

She is not perfect and you know it. Your ws will realize it if you let him.

km4
me 39
ws 44
married 17 years
2 boys 11 and 4
ow was my best friend.

D-day was just 8 weeks ago, however "the perfect OW" was two years ago. When I found out about the last OW, I also found out about "the perfect one", the one who he claims was his soulmate, and the one he wanted to marry. OW up and married someone else during their affair. I think the OW was stringing my H along. My H wrote her love letters for at least 6 months after the OW married, and they did see each other after she married. My H claims she just wanted to be a wife and mother. OW was in her mid 30's at this time, and never married. For all I know, her child could be my H's and telling everyone her H is the father.

I am glad to see other people feel just like I do. I wish she would drop off the face of the earth.

t-
One thing I have not seen you indentify with, or the replys in here, is that this sort of behavior, and contact with OW is addictive. He is addicted to her and would not see any flaw in her if it were worn on her forehead!
So please don't beat yourself up over this.
I know it is the small things that eat at a person, but if we can rationalize them into behaviors and understand "the fog", then it helps to put it in perspective.

Me, the envy is what eats at me about OM. I envy that she took a whole month to build up a person she meet for 4 hours. Then determined to "do it" drank herself numb, then spent 48 hours with him. The really hard part is that it was in her brother's house.

Does this OW's H know of the contact they shared while early in their M?
If not and your H is still mourning her loss,then maybe it is time to expose this contact and let the memory of her die in your H eyes.

Just a thought.
Remember I am no expert and 8 wks into recovery is not long,you need to give it time if you can.

Thanks for all of your help. I am doing very well compared to some posts here. I am focused to make our marriage work, and so is my H. Although there are many tough times ahead, I am sure that if we stay on track we will make this marriage work.

My only other issue is that my H lover never has told her husband, and I feel like she is getting off easy. It's not my place to tell him, and I would make too many waves. Is there anyone else here with this same problem?