My WW move back home 2 weeks ago. She called and told me she wanted her life back the way it was.

Six days later she made contact and decided again that she should have not moved home. She remained at home but I believe that they communicated by phone until last Thursday. She met him after work. She told me that OM said, by her moving home she had made her choice. She said that she had written him a letter that she wanted to work on her marriage, and she wanted to give it to him face to face. But she didn't give him the letter.

She has said, several times, that I have won, it is over, she won't call him, and he won't call her. But since Thursday, she has become more distant to me than ever. She won't even let me hug her or hold her hand. If I try to hold her in the middle of the night she pulls away.

She had made her decision to move back, and had told me it was over. After she said these things, I was trying to be honest, I told her that I had intended to hire a P.I. to find out about this guy, that I wanted to know who my children were going to be exposed to. I told her that I had considered calling his employer.

Now she is saying that I won, I threatened her with a P.I. and she gives up. She made her decision to move back home and not to call him, before I ever told her what I had considered.

She keeps saying that she is such a failure, she says she has failed at being a wife, a mother, and even as a girl friend. Except for the A she was a good wife and a good mother. But I can't seem to say anything right now that helps.

Bruised,

You might want to calmly ask her what you won? How can she possibly think you have "won" anything out of this. You have lost trust, you have been lied to, you don't have a W, you don't have a lover, you don't even have a roommate that wants to be there. Ask how you have "won".

Then when she stutters over answering that, suggest to her that the is not a contest, not a game, real lives, real emotions, real love, and real vows and commitments are involved here. The issue isn't who "won" or "lost", but how to create a life where you both are happy.

Suggest to her that you have found sources of information that would help you both achieve the goal of making your marriage a good one for BOTH of you, and offer to take her there. Let her read the books, offer counseling. There are many tools.

Then suggest that she consider anti-D's for awhile to get over this period.

Then be quiet, and just wait for her to answer you or discuss with you what she thinks. You cannot push a noodle, you need to slowly carefully pull it along. You need to slowly and carefully allow her time to think, give voice to her problems, and begin to realize what she may lose.

God Bless,

JL

BH,
it sounds lie your W is having herself a pity party...that and suffering the usual withdrawl symptoms from her addiction...but now isn't the time for you to back down.

yes you feel sorry for her and yes you want the best for her and yes you want her to recover from this thing ASAP but wanting it doesn't make it happen. working on it will make it happen.

has she written the no contact letter yet? have you scheduled therapy for the two of you yet? have you discussed a joint agreement for honesty yet? moving forward means just that...get the ball rolling so that she can see that the new marriage is not going to be like the old...that there will be changes...for both of you...that will need to be made.

and one last thing. let her know that fixing this thing can't happen unless she's committed. further, i would tell her that you're going to be vigilent and watch her. that you still plan to investigate the OM. i would find out all i can about him...after all knowing is always better then not knowing.

coach

What agreements did you make before she returned?
Is she living up to them?
Are you?

bruised-heart


It sounds like your W is going through withdrawal from the A. Very often WS will make contact with OM even though they have promised not too. Be prepared for this to happen.

Just to pick up on a couple of points that have already been made.

1)No contact letter – very important that W writes this letter and that you read it before it is sent to OM. No contact means just that. No talking, no e-mailing, no contact of any kind.

2)Marriage counseling – schedule and appointment for the two of you sooner than later. The two of you must begin to talk out the issues and problems.

3)MB principles- Get Surviving and Affair and His Needs Her Needs and work on being totally honest with each other. She is withdrawn at the moment but you need to meet as many of her emotional needs as possible under the circumstances. Try hard not to LB even though your heart has been bruised.

4)Exposure- A highly debatable point and I bring it up for informational purposes only should you have any reason to think W is making contact with OM. I don’t know how much exposure the A has had so my comments may be totally useless.

The best tools to use to break up and affair are confrontation with the evidence and exposure of the affair. You apparently have some evidence. You might want to gather as much information as you can so that you can understand the extent of the affair and know who OM is.

Exposure is very touchy but there may be some value in informing OM’s employer and possibly a couple of very close relatives (Mom, Dad, Sister, In Laws). The people you tell should be very supportive of your marriage and be willing to be non-judgmental with your W but be able to influence her in a positive way.

Be very careful with this because you don’t want to set your marriage back but instead use exposure to ward off any future attempts by W or OM to make contact and provide W with some accountability. Exposure is used to stop the A or stop further contact it is NOT DONE FOR REVENGE.

Good luck and work the MB principles.

Beau

Thanks to everyone for the advice. The last few days have been rough. It feels like my WW hates me and it is hard to understand why she decided to give us another try. The comments she makes, sounds like I should have made it easier for OM to be with her. She can't understand why I would help her move out and why I haven't exploded. She ask why I am not resentful. She thinks that is still coming.

Last night she said that there was no way that I could love her after what she has done. So the only reason that I want to save our marriage is to depend on her to cook, clean, etc...

When we first went to bed, if my leg even touched her she jerked away. Sometime during the night, she put her arm on me and we held each other through the night. This morning was the first time she talked to me, since Saturday. It has been only yes and no, if that since then. I just don't know what to expect today or tommorrow.

She claims that there has been no contact since last week, when she told me she wanted to work through this. She said OM was not going to interfer because he said she made her decision when she moved back home.

I am scared to death of sometype of contact during the holiday season coming up.

I just don't know how to respond about my emotions not being normal. She said the things that I am doing now are fake and that things will go back the way they were. She resents me for her choosing our marriage and family over OM.

Please keep the comments coming. It is a comfort to hear from someone who knows what you are going through.

It sounds like she's testing the waters to see if your commitment to your M is real. She's going through withdrawal. Don't backslide from your hard earned changes. I know they seem "fake". Hold firm. You are making progress. It will get easier.

b-h

You might want to pray. You might want to thank God that she is home. I would give about anything to be in your shoes. Mine won't come home to even give me a chance at making the M work.

Keep up with the MB principles and I'm sure she will come around.

Stayin' dark. DD

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by bruised-heart:

She continues to say that I should hit her, throw something, go out and find a woman to get back at her, etc. She says she deserves this and that she had no idea that this would be so hard. She thought that she could walk away and that I wouldn't try to stop her.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sounds like she is suffering from guilt and wants you to do something equally selfish to help alleviate it. You may have forgiven her but she has not forgiven herself.

Consider conveying to her that if the right conditions and circumstances had been present, that you could have been the one to have an affair. Empathize with her by saying that if you were in her shoes you would probably feel the same. Apologize to her for neglecting her and not giving her the attention she deserved as your W. Express to her that you hope that one day she forgives you for it and that she'll give you the opportunity to make amends to her. Why would you say this to her? To help her see that you take full responsibility for your part in the bad state of the marriage. Nothing disarms another person faster than a heartfelt apology for ones mistakes and it often causes the other person to feel better not only towards him/herself but towards the issuer of the apology.

She said she wrote him a letter ending the A and committing to our marriage and that she mailed it on Monday.

She didn't let me read it, and I can't know for sure that she even mailed it.

She continues to say he hasn't called and she won't call him. But I just don't know. They can communitcate multiple times a day at her place of employment via phone and I would have no way of knowing.

I sort of believe her up to this point, but I am really concerned that either of them could pick up the phone, especially during the Holiday Season. I just can't be with her around the clock and she is getting upset that I am trying to.

She's in withdrawl from the OM. You may want to gently inform her that as long as there is a way for either of them to communicate with one another, the pain of her withdrawl will be extended and every contact will set her back to square one. If she truly wants to overcome this painful period, she MUST avoid ALL contact with the OM.

Thanks TMCM,

I wish that I could get her to read SAA. If she could read about "Sue's" relationship and see recovery was possible, I think it would put some reality back into her mind. She is convinced that both her and OM made wrong marriage choices.

The OM is rumored to have had multiple A(s) during his 17 year marriage. He told her that she was the only one and of course WW believes every word out of his mouth. She doesnt' want to believe that she could have been used or developed feelings for someone that did not love her too.

Last night she said she sort of wished that she did know something bad about him, so that she wouldn't keep thinking she was walking away from a great person.

I have hinted of rumors, but since they come from me she doesn't want to believe any of them. I am not for sure that she would believe the women if I could produce them. Again, if I say anything negative, I instantly become the selfish AHole, and I would do anything to discredit him in her eyes.

Moments of reality seem to peak through from time to time, and sometimes she will hold and hug me, last night even a couple of kisses. Then without warning it is right back to the cold shoulder often within an hour or so. Especially if I initiate a hug or affection.

Should I let her initiate all affection, one of her Most Important ENs is affection. OM has told her that I would go right back to my old self as soon as she moved home. I am afraid not to show affection, but right now it seems only to be okay if she does it. Then I can hug and hold her.

Any Sugestions?

I have one, ask her if she truly is interested in finding about the OM's character and history, that NAYBE she should do an investigation of her OWN. Chances are that she won't answer you BUT asking her that, you will have planted the seeds of doubt in her mind about the OM.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"Should I let her initiate all affection, one of her Most Important ENs is affection. OM has told her that I would go right back to my old self as soon as she moved home. I am afraid not to show affection, but right now it seems only to be okay if she does it. Then I can hug and hold her."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Be affectionate but not to the point of excessive and extended hugs and holdings on your part because she's probably not emotionally ready for them yet. Short and quick hugs for the time being would probably be more effective.

<small>[ November 28, 2003, 11:35 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>