A little background on my wife, our relationship and what happened. Sorry about the long post!

Married 15 years, a 9 year old son, no major fights, no huge complaints in the marriage. We are both 38 years old. After learning about His Needs, Her Needs, and Love Busters, there weren’t really any major blow-ups. No huge Love Busters, but we clearly weren’t meeting each other’s needs. Sexually, we never had any major issues, other than me wanting it more than she does. We make love frequently and I don’t think either of us views this as a big problem. So, not meeting each others needs and leading pretty independent lives is what lead to her affair.

Back in May, my wife started a new job and became friendly with everyone in the company. (Small manufacturing shop, maybe 10 people that she works with on a daily basis.) Through normal conversation, I found out about all of her co-workers. One was a single man around 32 years old. She became friendly with him over time and had no problem letting me know they were pretty friendly. My wife says she usually gets along better with men than women. I had asked her early on if he was attractive and her response was, “he’s ok, just average”. I didn’t think much more of it since he was just one of her co-workers. And having no reason from the past to distrust her, I didn’t give it much thought.

From July through October, people from the company would sometimes have happy hours after work on an occasional Friday night. Again, no major concerns since a bunch of people, men and women went to these things. There was also a trade show in September where my wife, this guy and another woman went and worked a trade show. Again, no major concerns since she roomed with the other woman.

October 10th, another happy hour. She comes home around 10:00 pretty drunk. Goes right to the bathroom and changes. Red flags finally go up. I don’t confront her, but later find a pair of wet panties on the laundry pile. Not messy like she had sex, but something worked her up. Wow, stomach drops through the floor. Still didn’t confront her.

Next day (D-Day), cell phone bill comes in the mail and I take a close look at it. Lots of calls to a number I don’t know. My guess is the guy from work. I check previous months bills and there are a bunch of calls back and forth between my wife’s phone and his. Tracing the times back, all the calls occurred at times when I wasn’t around, if she was out, right when she was driving home from work etc.

Now I’m pretty sure something is going on. Not being sure how to say what I want to say verbally, I start writing her an email documenting what I found (panties and cell phone bills), telling her we need to talk, and in the note telling her that I still love her and that if something is going on I need to know. The note wasn’t abusive, nor did I judge her in it. Simply stated the facts that I found, told her what it looked like to me and that we had to talk. I sent the email that night. Just before she reads it, her cell beeps, I pick it up and it is a text message from the guy. “Wish you were here”. Now I know for sure.

When she came down, I told her to read her email and that I had sent her something. I then put the cell in front of her with the message showing and said that her cell beeped as well. I sat in the kitchen and waited as she read my email. She came in after 5 minutes and said, I guess we do need to talk. Initially, she said they were just friends…then said that there was some flirting going on, but nothing major. When I asked her to define flirting, some kissing and hugging, but that was it. It felt horrible knowing that even after I had the proof, she still lied to me telling me they were just friends. Eventually, I pulled it out of her. We talked for a long time that night. Neither of us raised our voices. I never yelled at her or blew up. Just kept asking more questions about what happened, what they did, when it started etc. She had a hard time telling me the details and often would clam up. Either too ashamed or didn’t want to hurt me further, whatever. She expressed that she was sorry she did it, that they were just friends and it just happened. She didn’t plan it. Of course, I wondered what I did wrong, why she was with him, was I that bad of a husband etc.? All along, she said it had nothing to do with me, that there was nothing wrong with our marriage or the way I treated her. It was all her. We cried together that night and she expressed how truly sorry she was. We went to bed together that night, but no intimacy.

The next morning, she called him, told him I saw his text message and that she and I had talked and that she told me about their affair. She told him it was over, that she needs to fix her marriage and that while at work, their relationship had to be all business, no friendship or personal conversations at all. She tells me he apologized to her for messing up her marriage and seemed to understand the need to back off.

The details according to her: Months of friendship. Hidden cell phone calls started in July, but just as friends. Even though she says the calls were innocent, she didn’t tell me about the calls because she thought I would be uncomfortable with her talking with a guy. How right she was. I truly believe she had herself convinced that the calls were innocent, so there was no harm in the calls or in not telling me. On 9/19 at a happy hour, she tells me they started the physical aspect of the relationship. Kissing and making out at her car after the happy hour. For about 3 weeks, from 9/19 until 10/10 they got together 3-4 times after work for 10-15 minutes and sometimes during lunch to make out in the car. They also made out after the happy hour on 10/10. During that time, there were no overnights away, or extended absences on either of our parts. Fortunately, they didn’t have much opportunity for things to progress too far sexually. She told me over and over that the farthest it went was kissing and him caressing her through her shirt. I’m not 100% sure I buy it, but she maintains that’s it, whether I believe her or not. Obviously, I want to believe her.

When I question her about her feelings for him, she tells me that it wasn’t so much him, but the idea and excitement of having someone other than me desire her. She tells me she got hooked by the excitement and flattery of it all.

So, here I am a little more than 6 weeks later. Over that time, I still haven’t blown up at her, thrown it in her face with degrading comments or anything. I do express that I hurt like never before, that certain things tear me up inside, etc. We have talked about it quite a bit and cry together often. She says she is SO sorry, appears genuinely remorseful and appears to be going out of her way to show me that she is there for me. She has bad days too where she is very upset over how much she has hurt me and messed up our marriage. Sexually, we were intimate within days of D-Day and have remained intimate since then. Our sex seems to have a renewed passion that has been missing for a while. Frequency seems the same, but the intimacy and passion is better. Frequency was never an issue.

About 2 weeks after I found out, I bought His Needs, Her Needs and I shared with her some of the information I read in the book. I asked her to read the section about how most affairs start as just friends and that the affair usually “just happens”. Fits her situation perfectly. Some of it started to make sense as I realized that we both failed to meet each other’s needs. We have gone through the His Needs, Her Needs questionnaire and now know what is important to each other. We are trying to work on these things. I recently picked up Love Busters and will be sharing what I learn from that book as well. We have gone on 3-4 “dates” since then with just the two of us. Trying to make each other be our favorite recreational partners and not be so independent.

In the first few days after D-Day, she offered to look for another job and quit working with him. Because I got laid off in September, financially we can’t be hasty. As a result, I told her not to quit. Over time, her working with him continued to be a constant reminder of what happened and source of frustration, distrust, fear and anger all rolled into one. Heck, I can’t even pick her up for lunch at work for fear that I will run into this guy. Not sure how I would react, and would rather not find out.

Two weeks ago, I brought up the topic again letting her know how much her working with him still bothers me. I asked her what she thought we should do and asking her to be very specific with him once again on the need to be business only and that eventually, they will no longer have any contact at all. She is very reluctant to quit her job and didn’t think she needed to have another discussion with him about ending the relationship because she says it is already clear between them. She says they barely even talk and when they do it’s about work. She says, she barely looks at him. Again, I backed off when she assured me I have nothing to worry about.

As much as I try, this issue won’t go away. A few days ago, I raised the issue once again. Telling her just how much her working with him bothers me. I then quoted Dr. Harley’s “No contact” policy. She knows that everything we have read says she should never have contact with him again if our marriage is to survive. She has had many jobs over the past 5 years and really loves this one.

Finally recognizing how much this hurts me, she finally agreed to start looking for a new job, but financially, she can’t quit until she finds one. She seemed pissed that I pushed the issue. When I asked if she understood why I felt this way, she says she totally understands. I think she is more pissed with herself for ****ing up a marriage AND a job she loves. She tells me that the excitement WASN’T worth it. For the first time in a while, I feel good. In the past 6 weeks, I have felt lows, lower than I knew possible. I don’t believe I am in depression, but for the first time, I can understand how people can feel hopeless. You know…no job, messed up marriage, I don’t have ANYTHING going right in my life. Then I look at my son and then my wife doing whatever she can to make things right, and I see hope. J

I struggle daily with wanting to hurt her back, throw it in her face and show her just how ****ty her actions were. Every day I have to choose not to do that. I also struggle with wanting to contact the other man. I know there isn’t much good that can come out of that either….so I resist. I have told my wife that I struggle with these two things every day.

We both have a lot of work ahead of us. But I feel that we are both sincere in our desire to get through this and rebuild our marriage. I believe that the relationship is truly over. No more calls are being made, she checks in with me right when she leaves work. I meet her for lunch a few days a week. She hasn’t been to or won’t be going to any happy hours.

So, moving forward, a few questions:

1. How am I doing?
2. Anything else I should be doing?
3. Would you recommend counseling for me or both of us?
4. Should knowing that she is willing to look for another job be enough to make me happy? Or do I really need to make her leave a job she loves?
5. Any other thoughts?

Thanks!

Sounds like everything your going through is normal.

I'm a firm believer in NC, and she should change jobs. Until there is NC, you will have and continue to have doubts.
Has your W been an open book?
Yes, MC would probably be good, if you find a Christian based one they sometimes decrease the fee based on the ability to pay.
As for what more you can do, just keep meeting her EN's.

IMO she needs to find another job. Her A developed there. Are your really comfortable that she is still seeing him on a daily bases.

One thing I would do is meet her for lunch if you can. Not every day. Just randomly. I think in your mind you know what they did sometimes during lunch breaks, it should help to relieve some of the pressure. Also it helps with the amount of time you spend together. Bring her lunch or take her out.

Most of all start trying to have some fun with your W. Do something fun like going out to the movis or something.

Also, just be open and honest about what your feeling and thinking. Share your heart. Ask her the same. Both of your lives need to be open books to each other.

Sounds like you have done a great job! Kudos to you. Be sure to be good to yourself through the roller coaster of emotions that you are feeling.

Counseling is an excellent idea and I believe in absolute, no holds barred - NO CONTACT.

Good luck and God Bless!

Husband...

We have so much in common we could become drinking buddies!

With not knowing all your details, let me share some of my advice/views. First, your doing a great job handling all of this. We are proud of you. Keep the steady course. But do not hesitate to tell her how you feel and why. If you keep it in, it will eat you alive. She may not like it, but she needs to take time to hear you. If you have not noticed it yet, you do feel better talking and getting it off your chest, right?

I have the same problem and feeling about my wife still working around the A hole. He is a contractor and she sees him when they are on travel. Easy for an affair situation to develope and flourish especially when all you calls are free! Makes you wonder how folks carried on affairs 20 years ago?

Anyway. I feel that it is simply not fair to ME for her to be around this guy at All. Its taken a LONG damn time for her to "Get IT". At first it was fog. But now she finally is understanding my issue is not with a fear of them continimug the realtionship. It has a lot more to do with the no contact issue, even if it is on a "business" level. The problem I have is that after hours, the group still has to eat and relax. As far as I am concerned, no, she should not be eating with him. So while every effort is made to avoid each other, it does not always happen and they end up next to each other and I think that sucks. Also, its hard to get over this business when you are having a reminder of it shoved down your throat!

If I made one mistake, I still have not told the other spouse. If this guy is married, sqeaul to the spouse like a stuck pig.

Now about giving up the job... Hey, what husband does not have a hard time telling their wife what she should or should not do in a normal situation? My situation is that this is the best jobthe wife ever had. Giving it up for me under pressure she would do, and then hate me for the rest of her life for doing it. I think she has to give it up on her own and I spoke with her and ecouraged her to look at alernative career choices which she is doing. This will make you look more positive. But I can not express enough the difficulty this issue of spouses who still work with their Xs is for us who are in this situation. No Contact can only apply so far. My view is that her "great Job" high she has lived for the past three years is crashing all around her. She amazingly does not see it and I caught hell just trying to talk about it one night. Boss is up for retirement, friction is rising, people she worked close with are getting other jobs. It simply will not be the same. Your wife may feel the same. Just encourage her when she is looking at another interview or support her effort to complete another application. I am looking for the weight of my spouse not working with the other guy to be lifted when ever that first day of the new job begins...it just will not be soon enough!

Hope this helps

To Arewehavingfunyet:

I do not mean to hijack a thread but your case is a perfect example why you must inform the OM's spouse as soon as possible. They have contact and still hang out and eat together on travel with their job. You are making a huge mistake not informing the OM's spouse. There is now absolutely no reason why he should not try to connect with your wife again when they travel together. You are accepting your wife having contact with the OM because of the job and also not informing his spouse. These are two key issues that have to be faced according to Harley's. I wish you the best but I really think you are making a big mistake and allowing yourself to continuously be disrespected like this. I wish you luck.

To all who replied:
Thanks for the positive comments and for telling me about your situations. Being a basket case most of the time, it is nice to know from others that I am doing some things right.

As for the other man, he is single in my case so there is no other spouse to speak to. I struggle daily with wanting to call the other man myself. I have no idea what I would say. Sometimes I want to just call him to tell HIM to look for another job. I keep telling myself that nothing good will come of it. Has anyone seen any value out of talking to the other man?

I agree that making my wife look for another job could be a sore point for a long time. I think she understands why I am asking her to look for another job. I was very torn in how hard to push this issue. First I just told her how much it bugged me. When she did nothing about it herself, then I had to push harder. She says she "understands completely" why I won't ever get used to her working with him. It will be interesting to see how long it takes for her to start looking and actually find something.

The good news is that between my wife's time off and this guys vacation, they will barely see each other in December.

As mentioned, I have shared my thoughts with my wife on why I think the affair happened. When asked, she maintains that she doesn't know why it happened and that it didn't have anything to do with me or our marriage. When I tell her about me failing to meet some of her emotional needs, and the other man meeting them, she doesn't argue the point, but doesn't overwhelmingly agree either. It bugs me that she can't verbalize why SHE thinks the affair happened. My theories based on Harley's books are probably on target, but it would be nice to hear HER view on why it happened. Do I keep pushing her to figure it out?

Oh well, this is a great forum. Thanks again for your thoughts.

Man, I can't believe how similar our stories sound. I was lucky because my husband got fired from the job in Sept, and she got fired a month later. I know they were going through bad times there (wacked company) but heck!! My husband left the day after I found out, on a trip to NC with his son's football team. He called me crying and asking for forgiveness, which I couldn't do at the time. I was so upset, I just wanted to hurt him with my words...it was all so dirty to me...we live in MY home (second marriage) and he was sleeping with her in MY bed in MY house while I work midnights as an RN. I immediately threw him out, cut up the linens, and called her husband. He threw her out too. Now, he's in NC with his family, and I still wonder "could he have taken her with?" I know he didn't, but man the thoughts that race through your mind. Mine is so fresh, found out just 4 days ago. I am so confused, so heartbroken, so lost. I keep thinking, what if he doesn't want ME when he comes back...I've reversed it. I also can't get past the fact that he was "faithful" to her. We hadn't been intimate in a couple months..their affair has been since July. I feel so dirty and used. I hope to one day be able to help anyone on here, but at this point I don't feel I can....I need help..LOL

The books you have read by Harley are good, but for your situation, I suggest reading "Surviving an Affair" TOGETHER, one chapter at a time, and doing the exercises together. Then do the same with "Torn Asunder", by Carder. It will help. Really. That, and find a job so she has less financial pressure on her. I know it is not easy. I am looking myself right now. But, it is important.