Ok,
Those of you that know me so far...............
Toaday was not a good day, neither were the past 2-3.
She is angree over something. Won's talk, says we are going round-n-round, cover the same things.
Today I just let her know that I am hurting, and she has not an ounce of compassion or understanding for me. I suffer from a result of her infidelity and she has no concern over this. The forgive and forget is in her plan, and she says I have not forgiven her, or I would not keep bringing this up, over and over again.

This is where I am. She has maintained from the start of this, she does not feel sorry, she feels even.
Until she gets past this "eveness" then I feel I have no more to say. What ever I say is useless and not heard.
Am I wrong in this assumption???
She feels forgiven with God, but not me. I did tell her I forgave her, from the start. I thought I did. I did not know what I was forgiving. I forgave while we were on our knees together, while she repented to God, I did not realize that she was not sorry to me. She has made this very clear to everyone she talks with. It is as if she is paying me back for all the time I spent away from the family. I can take that, and if I did not change this, I would expect her to continue this vengful attitude. However, I have given up all the extra junk that seperated us from growing closer.
I don't know, maybe it just takes time. Time that is so hard to wait through.
I don't see her understanding any other way than actions on my part. Drastic actions are what she understands. She does not understand subtleties, or words. I was so ready to show her how much I am hurting over this today. I was going to just go out in the garage and hang myself. I guess this would "show her", but that is not God's answer. This would not serve my kids their best options in life. This would not be fare to the children.
I am desperate for her to understand my pain and anguish over this ****.
But once again, I could not show her the wrongs in her ways, nor the phony this guy really was, she had to see it for herself.
I feel as if she is waiting for something to happen, like me move out, or her move out. She keeps saying that God will take of her no matter what happens in this. She seems willing to take what ever comes.
She even went on her tonight and read all the posts I posted. I could see her smiling as she read them. Almost taking pleasure in my pain, and assigning it as a weakness on my part.

I am done. Done with talk. Done with communications, and done with everything that does not directly deal with the family functioning. Until she can come to me and tell me she understands the hurt she has caused me and this family.
I will continue to build on my part, to be a better "man" and deal with this.
I will no longer express my feelings, show emotions, or speak of the "minor indiscreation" she has had in "her" marriage.
Chris~

Chris - I've been wondering how you two are doing. I thought since I haven't seen you posting too much that things were going well. This has been a huge blow to your self-esteem and marriage. It takes a long time to get over. Look to the Lord - he is there for the broken-hearted. The WS's often don't feel sorry. That is very hard to take. My H never said that he was sorry he hurt me. I did not take him back. Now he is living with OW. Your wife has a reason for the affair. Get the book "Torn Asunder" by Dave Carder that talks about the "message of the affair". You two can look it over together and figure it out. Please do not think about suicide. If you feel like you might, see a doctor right away and get some anti-D's. I worked with a man that committed suicide because of financial and marital problems. Went to his funeral, and had to leave in the middle of it. His 4 children got up and told how much they missed their daddy. It was so awful to see them cry that I left. Please get help if you have any thoughts in that direction. Things will get better. I can tell that you are a good man and your wife and children need you now more than ever. Read more on this site and you will have comfort that your marriage can be better than ever. You, Renee, and children are in my prayers. HUG's from California.

Thanks Believer,
I KNOW that any form of hurting myself is not God's answer to this.
I WOULD NOT DO THIS TO MY CHILDREN. I did not have a father growing up and will not leave them like that.
The sick thing is, I think my wife would not even bock at my doing something to myself. I think at this point, she would encourage me to do anything "to get me off her back". I listened to this today and it rang a bell. The message is to leave her alone.
I will.
I read some other posts in her stating that the WS is like dealing with a crazy person, someone who can not see reason, or rational through any of this.
I am sorry your H never told you he was sorry. I just know that by my father not being there while we grew up was "sorry" enough for him and maybe he never said it to my mother, but he did miss out on all of us growing up.
At this point, I don't really care if she is sorry or not.
I am angry, frustrated, and drained over this whole situation. As I said before, I forgave her and did not even know for what yet. I forgave the OM, and again, did not know for what yet.
I am going to see the Doc. and get on something for this. It does feel too much to handle at times.
I hate waiting, but I can do nothing but now.
Again, Tom Petty said it well; "Wainting is the hardest part".
Chris~

Click on the link in my signature line.

You are exactly right - it does sometimes feel like dealing with a crazy person. They are getting their needs met through adultery and they have no feelings for spouse. It is hard to take, but they all go through the same thing. Go to doctor and get on some anti-D's. I'm taking Paxil and it really helps. Still sad, but not anything like when I just found out. The Lord had blessed me greatly through this. Now some days I even hope that my H and OW have a good life. Hang in there and don't quit. You can get through this.

This is Chris35's wife posting.

Chris tells me he wants honesty. I finally feel safe in being honest and what does he do? He rubs my nose in it. That's all he's done through all of this. He's real good at the "poor me" stuff. Hopefully you guys can give it to him since I'm such a heartless person.

There are two sides to every story.

Pretty funny what can happen when you are in the shower. Renee really did post that above post.
I told her pride is a mother ******.
Her pride got her in this mess to begin with and it has kept her here all along.
chris~

<small>[ January 19, 2004, 12:17 PM: Message edited by: cpx ]</small>

Good to hear from you Renee. I hope you two can get through this together. Marriage counseling sounds like it would be good, or at least individual counseling. Yes there are two sides to every story, and you both need to look at the other one's side with compassion. Right now you are both hurt and probably need professional help to work this out. Hang in there and don't give up, and Renee sign in here so you don't have to wait for Chris to take a shower, or you could go to survivinginfidelity.com. It's a good site too for support.

chris

I do not know your story but I am struck by the comment even.

What made her feel things weren't even prior to her affair? Did you have an affair before hers?