My question is at the end - please bear with me, as this is fairly long.

I am the OW in this situation. We were together 3.5 years, 2.5 years of which I thought they were separated and working towards divorce. He moved back in with her in April, and I found out in July. The BS found out at that point as well.

He and I slowly resumed contact while he was living with her, and even drafted a "Business Plan" outlining our upcoming lives. He assured me that he wanted to be with me, detailed when we would be married, and moved out to a different state to take a new job. Apparently the entire time that this was happening, he was telling her that he was not seeing or talking with me, and she was preparing to move there to be with him and take a new job (lateral move in the same company, that she helped him get a new job in).

While he was still staying with her (separate bedrooms I was assured, he was only there for finances), he and I saw each other every weekend, and our lives seemed to go back to where they were prior to his moving back with his W in April.

She called me two weeks ago, when she discovered a charged plane ticket to come see me. She told me about their plans, and I told her about our plans. We were both furious, livid, and devastated beyond belief. Since then, they have agreed to try to work out their marriage. I even stooped so low as to try to attempt to save our R, even though there is a huge part of me that says after so many lies, there is no way to rebuild trust.

We still stay in contact. I have seen him since our second D-Day to return some of his things that were stored here at my house, and he asked me to spend the night with him. I did stay, and of course we made love. He cried and cried, and told me how sorry he was and how sorry he was that he was not strong enough to follow his heart.

I am positive he tells her the same thing.

Last Tuesday, I went on a date, in an attempt to stay busy and keep my mind off of him, and in hopes that I can find out that there really are decent men out there. He sent me an email asking me to contact him that night. I called, and he was a wreck. He asked me that if he could "work things out", would I move to that new state? I could not give him an answer. At some point during our three hour phone call, we had phone sex. We were supposed to talk again the next night, and he told me then that he should not have said that to me, that even though he had serious doubts of a reconciliation working, he owed it to her and that his comment would only serve to keep me hanging on to a hope of a future with him.

So....Friday night I realized that I had sent him a message to a messenger account, and that on Sunday the BS would end up checking that accout activity and would see the message. Since I know the password, I logged in and there were three offline messages from a woman on there (he and I both knew her from years ago from a chatroom where we used to go at night when he still lived at home.) My radar went up, and I logged into chat under his name. Of course, she pm'd him immediately and immediately initiated cybersex. I played along as long as I could until she asked me to call her by name. Well, I could not do that, and she realized it was not him. She swears that she did not know it was him (this is a new acct that he set up only two or three months ago, he *says*), but that she pm'd him thinking it was someone with a similar name that she used to cyber with. It was obvious that they have been doing this before for a while (as she knew all that he likes to do in bed), and it would not surprise me if he has not met her in person.

*****

It is obvious to me that this man has issues that I can not fix, nor can I control them. I need to find the strength and the will to end things with him totally, but I can't deny that it is hard.

But what does his W need to know? Does she need the transcript of the cybersex chat? Do I *owe* it to her to share what I know of this man's further perfidy, or do I *owe* it to her to let her try to muddle through this on her own? I truly don't want to further her pain, as I know exactly how she is feeling, but I also don't think it is fair for her to move across a country to try to salvage a marriage when he is still in romantic/sexual contact with me, and apparently with at least one other woman.

Flame away - I know you will - but try to answer that part of my question if you can. Would you want to know, or not? Thanks.

confused,

Flaming is not my style...I will however, try to be helpful and honest. First of all...you think you know how his wife feels...but you don't. That doesn't mean that I believe this doesn't hurt you...I am sure it does. However, I've had my boyfriend cheat on me....AND my husband....and I can tell you there is simply NO comparison in terms of how devastating it is.

Here is my advice to you....and it is the best thing for not only you...but his wife as well. Stop all contact with this man....he is the kind of pathological liar and serial cheater that will hurt all the people who love him. Exposing him further will serve very little purpose. His wife knows the score and if she still wants to try and work things out....that should be her choice. The kindest and smartest thing that you can do is simply make it impossible for this man to contact you further. Block his emails, change your cell phone number etc. Learn to hang up the phone without listening to his blather.

You have been duped and used by this man. You have allowed yourself to make decisions based on selfishness at the expense of this man's family....please correct that and take the opportunity to build a life for yourself that offers you some chance at happiness.

So to answer your question....the wife already knows....don't bother throwing gasoline on this fire...it's already raging out of control. Just walk away.

I'll second everything that Star*Fish said, here. This guy is an ARTIST at manipulation and yuckiness. Do everything in your power to never see him again. I'm not being even a little extreme, here. This guy strung you along, and his wife, for HOW LONG? Yuck! Yuck yuck yuck!

Come to think of it, I disagree with one thing Star said. Don't walk away. Run away. Far away. Get out of the line of fire because it's going to get awful really really fast.

Sorry for the late reply, but I've been away a week. I had a similar experience many years ago when I was single. I was involved with a man who also claimed he was in the middle of a divorce. His wife lived in another State, and he even had two little kids who stayed with him in the summer months. He said they'd been working on this divorce for over two years, but the financial arrangements were keeping it from being finalized (he had his own business). I was with him for 9 months with us planning our marriage, our new home, etc. All of a sudden the wife shows up and moves in with him! I was told by a mutual friend that his business-partner's wife called my guy's wife and said, "this one is different - you'd better get yourself down here quick to break this up". Meaning, he'd apparently had many years of fooling around on her, she accepted it, but it seemed he had fallen in love with me, so it needed to be stopped. He swore to me it was over, etc., etc., and this went on for another month with her living in his house, and him spending weekends and some nights with me. Then out of the blue he gets chest pains and calls me from the hospital. I rush over there, and while I'm visiting the door opens, in comes the wife, and he asks me to leave! I was never so humiliated in my whole life. But you know what? I learned real quick where I really stood. No, you don't know how the wife feels. Unfortunately, you don't even know how he really feels, because he sounds just like my old cheating guy. For me to end this I left town and moved to another area. Here's the clincher:
almost ten years later, I ran into him at a class we both were attending, and you know what? He and his wife were still together, and he was still running around on her! Get out while you can. It was so painful, so I feel for you, I really do, but these habitual cheaters just jump from one woman to the next...and they "love" every one of them.