Hi,

I just found out 4 days ago that my husband had an affair. He says it was a year ago and to this day he and the other woman (whom is also married) are in love and connected. He has not contacted her since I found out (may I add that I found out by finding an email message she sent him - he didn't tell me). He called her after I found out to tell her that I knew and she was going to tell her husband. I made him write a letter to her ending their relationship and promising to never speak again. Now he wants to call her to see if she is OK. He feels like he ruined her life. They both did that together. Meanwhile I am in so much pain I can barely go an hour without crying. We decide we were going to try to fix our marriage and relationship. We have a 3 year old girl. Do I let him call her under my supervision. How am I supposed to support his withdrawal from her. It hurts so much inside. Any help anyone......please

amyrum

Sorry you are here, but you've come to the right place. You'll get a lot of support here plus tons of information off of this website.

Your H should not call her! He already sent the NC (no contact letter) which means just that NO CONTACT! He should not be worried about ruining her life (you are right, she chose the A path also. A = affair) but worried about how he ruined yours and your M (marriage).

Read up on withdrawal and also Plan A. Find a good MC and schedule an appointment.

An A is very tough to deal with and get over. I feel like I cried non-stop for the first 3 months after finding out about my H's A. It does get better. Reading everything I could get my hands on helped a lot.

Good Luck. You have a lot of support right here!

SSS

(((amyrum))) - big hug!

Do you know the OW? I would suggest that you tell her H. That way you have 2 forces working to repair 2 marriages. If she is not accountable for her actions along with your WH, it will be difficult to get NC and make it through the withdrawal period. This is the worse thing to go through. Know that we are here for you. Read up on all of Dr. Harley's principles. Buy Surviving An Affair if you can and read it as well.

If you can get to your doctor, I would suggest anti-depressants to assist you through this time. Remember that the reactions that you have over the next period of time will come from emotion. Choose your actions wisely. Take care of yourself and your child.

So sorry to hear that you are in this place where so many of us have been and still are.

Good luck and God Bless!

BEFORE he contacts her, read "Surviving an Affair", TOGETHER. Discuss each chapter as you read it. Do the exercises. Ask him to agree to this BEFORE he contacts her. Many Christian bookstores carry it in stock, as well as some secular ones - so see if you can get a copy TODAY and start. Any further contact between them will set back recovery.

Next, YOU call her husband and ask him if he knows. It is unlikely that she told him. If you were in his place, you would want to know, wouldn't you?

For further info on how to recover (it is possible, really even if it doesn't feel like it right now), click on the link in my signature line.