My husband had an affair and I cannot breathe. I cannot stop crying and it hurts so much.

Is there any hope we can fix this? Does the pain every go away? How can I go back to work and go on with my daily routine?

Is there any HOPE????

Yes there is hope.

Go speak with your doctor .... you may need some medication to help you over these worst few weeks.

We are almost 8 years recovered.

My H also thought the OW was his soulmate. Their A lasted almost 2 years.

We are very much in love and happy. Recovery takes about 2 years.

Go to your medical provider and ask for help.

Pep

Amy,
I saw your post and wanted to respond. I can remember how alone I felt after finding out about my W's A.
First of all...take a deep breath and know that you aren't alone. This board proves that. First thing to do is read everything up on the MB site about affairs. I'd also order Harley's book "Surviving an Affair" Take care of yourself by eating and exercising. It will help with the stress. Also you may want to consider anti-depressants for awhile.

Is the A over or ongoing? It does make a difference on how to proceed. Marriage counseling is a good first step in recovery.

And yes with time it can get better depending on the situation.

Please give more information on your situation so that you can get more specific opinions.

My thoughts go out to you.

cwmac

There is hope. Start reading here. You're in the right place. You might want to make an appointment to see your doctor and get on some antidepressants to help you deal with the emotions you are feeling.

As you're reading you'll find that many people here are going through exactly what you're going through right now. There's specific strategies and principles that you'll learn about here designed to end the affair and get your marriage into recovery.

I haven't had the experience myself, so I am going to bow out and wait for some of the more knowledgeable and experienced posters step in.

Just wanted to send you a quick post to encourage you....that yes, there is hope.

I believe there is hope.

Here is a story for you, to give you hope.

Lostva's story

Go about 6 down to Lostva's big post ( there is a small one only a few down, go past that.)


I'm sorry you have to be here, but I believe you can get some help in this forum.

1. Read, read, read. Read the basic concepts section off the front page of the site. It will help you understand some things you will need to know to start working on your Marriage.

2. Don't LB, Usually we get angry when people do such bad things to us. It is much easier to have him like you, and reconcile with you if you avoid LB's.

3. After you get a basic knowledge, get the books Surving An Affair, and His needs, Her Needs and read them.

4. Ask specific questions after you have some background. We can't tell you if your marriage will survive, but we can help with some parts of your attempt to make it work. Remember that weekends, especially Holiday ones are slow, don't be alamred if you don't get quick responses to questions.

5. If there is any way at all, call the Harleys for phone counseling. They are good at what they do. If you don't believe you can do that, get local counseling for yourself, and H if he will go. It will help get to the bottom of why this happened and help to recover from it.


Please know that we care about you, and that we will help as much as we can. How are you doing now?

SS

There is hope! Please listen to the people on this forum--they know what they are talking about. Read all you can, see a counselor, and perhaps see your doctor for antidepressants. You can recover, and many marriages do. If yours doesn't, YOU are still YOU, in your own right, and you can be a person without your WS. Remember that no matter what, you WILL be ok. You can stand on your own if you have to--and right now, you have to. Use your support systems. Call friends. Write out your feelings.

Hi amyrum,

I second the suggestion of antidepressants.

I am one who doesn't like to take *anything pill wise,even aspirin if I can help it but I went to see a doctor referred by my counselor and it(Remeron) REALLY helped me get through the most awful first few weeks of my husbands affair admission.Please comsider it.I feel that I would not have been able to even get out of bed if I didn't have that to help.

Then,like everyone else mentioned,keep coming back here,read,read,read,get support around you like family and friends to help you.

**If you haven't done so already, I personally feel that both families should know of the affair.It helps to stop the ongoing "fantasy" in many ways and for me,it was SO helpful to have both families to support me and "be on my side" so to speak.That is your decision though.

Your life is changed forever now.You need to be kind to yourself and we can help just by listening.So keep coming back to post how you are doing.

October

Thanks everyone for your support.

I have some moments that I believe it will all be OK and others when it is so hard. I just don't understand how he can love another woman. He says he is dedicated to our marriage and wants to work to fix it, but he is in love with her - not me.

To tell my story..here is goes. First, I just found out 4 days ago. We have been growing apart for over 2 years. He had intercourse this woman twice about a year and a half ago and supposedly never since then. She works with him and supposidly is able to support him through all his tough times at his job. I tried so many times in the past 2 years to open up but he was miserable. He claims they spent the past year building an even stronger friendship b/c they only had each other to talk to and they both felt so guilty. He claims they have not been together physically in the past year and a half. I've had suspicions but always went on thinking he could never do this. We had such a great life, we'll at least I thought. We have a 3 year old daughter who is our pride and joy, a beautiful home and great families.

I found out about the affair by reading a message from her on his cell phone. I realize one day he was hiding his cell phone so I actually found it under the bed when he was in the shower. And there it was a message from her saying how she aches for him and misses him. I don't understand it even though all the articles on this site tell the story. What happen to values?

It is just so hard to all of a sudden have your world rocked like this. It is not fair. And now I want this to work out and go to MC. But how am I supposed to listen to him tell me his feelings for her. Do you know what that does to me inside? Shouldn't he be kissing my a&& right now and making things better. It is so unfair and I feel like the blame is coming back to me in terms of our lack of communication.

Sorry for the long note and again thanks for the support.

Thanks everyone for your support.

I have some moments that I believe it will all be OK and others when it is so hard. I just don't understand how he can love another woman. He says he is dedicated to our marriage and wants to work to fix it, but he is in love with her - not me.

To tell my story..here is goes. First, I just found out 4 days ago. We have been growing apart for over 2 years. He had intercourse this woman twice about a year and a half ago and supposedly never since then. She works with him and supposidly is able to support him through all his tough times at his job. I tried so many times in the past 2 years to open up but he was miserable. He claims they spent the past year building an even stronger friendship b/c they only had each other to talk to and they both felt so guilty. He claims they have not been together physically in the past year and a half. I've had suspicions but always went on thinking he could never do this. We had such a great life, we'll at least I thought. We have a 3 year old daughter who is our pride and joy, a beautiful home and great families.

I found out about the affair by reading a message from her on his cell phone. I realize one day he was hiding his cell phone so I actually found it under the bed when he was in the shower. And there it was a message from her saying how she aches for him and misses him. I don't understand it even though all the articles on this site tell the story. What happen to values?

It is just so hard to all of a sudden have your world rocked like this. It is not fair. And now I want this to work out and go to MC. But how am I supposed to listen to him tell me his feelings for her. Do you know what that does to me inside? Shouldn't he be kissing my a&& right now and making things better. It is so unfair and I feel like the blame is coming back to me in terms of our lack of communication.

Sorry for the long note and again thanks for the support.

You will do well not to believe anything he says that he cannot or will not verify. Once trust is lost, he has to restore it by being trustworthy for a long time.

I am telling you this so you can be prepared - you may find out he is lying, and their relationship is still going strong - you may find out he is telling the truth, and it is only an emotional affair (EA) now. Just realize that usually they lie, and leave things out of their story so you can be prepared - and not fly off the handle if you learn something new. Be calm and learn to help him, not set him off.


Now, you asked some very good questions, and made some very good comments.

I don't understand it even though all the articles on this site tell the story. What happen to values?

I am not sure what happens to them. There may come a time when he shows great remorse, and realizes what he has done, but for now, he is lost. This is like an addcition, and indeed it is a form of addiction. The addict may know he is doing wrong, but seems powerless to resist. That's where your H is right now.

It is just so hard to all of a sudden have your world rocked like this. It is not fair. And now I want this to work out and go to MC. But how am I supposed to listen to him tell me his feelings for her. Do you know what that does to me inside? Shouldn't he be kissing my a&& right now and making things better.

Everything you said is true. It is not fair. If you want to Divorce him, and never look back, I believe you have that right, but if you want to save your marriage, there are things you can do to help your chances, and THAT is what this web site is all about. You don't have to stay, you don't have to reconcile with him if you don't want to - but if you want to make it work, we will help you.

If you can't take him telling about feelings for her, stop him, tell him you can't take that, and leave the room until you regain composure. He should be kissing your a$$, he should be, but addicts need their fix, and he is an addict. Plans A, and plan B are about getting him to realize that and do something about it.

It is so unfair and I feel like the blame is coming back to me in terms of our lack of communication.

You are not responsible for his having an A. You do need to take responsibility for part of the state of your marriage prior to it beginning. There may be things you need to work on and improve if you want your marriage to be better and fully recover. Again, that does not mean the A is your fault - having an A is never the proper way to react to stress in marriage.

There is a lot you will learn that you can't tell him about yet. He has to want to learn before you can teach him. Learn these concepts for yourself, start a recovery plan (but it is your choice) and then see what comes next.

Sorry for the long note and again thanks for the support.

It didn't seem long at all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

This may very well be the most difficult thing you have ever done in your life. You can sense the hard road ahead, but you need to know more about it. It has been done by many, and you have a good chance if you wish to do the work.

We will support you as much as we possibly can, but remember we are just fellow travelers, not professional counselers.

SS

<small>[ December 01, 2003, 02:52 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hi again,

Fairness is out the window.There is no such thing when it comes to affairs so don't hold onto that theory.Yes,ideally he should be kissing your glutes but forget that theory too.Read about Plan A and B.

An affair changes everyone involved *profoundly.There is no going back,only forward.That includes seeing a counselor,either together(hopefully) or even alone to start dealing with the mess that you are left with.

I think most of us here thought we had the "perfect" life too or something that resembled perfect.At least a relationship that didn't include our spouses having affairs.What a pathetic way to try to find "happiness".

Keep reading the posts,get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr.Harley and others.I did and it was very helpful.It is along hard road you are on now but we will be right there with you.Read the stories here.They are very eye opening,heartfelt and insipirational too.

October <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hello Amyrum-very sorry to hear of your pain, but glad you found your way here to a family of friends that have all "been there done that" too. It helped(helps) me tremendously to talk about my UH EMA and to know that I am not alone. I didn't tell anyone around me about the A except my bestfriend so I felt very alone until I found this, and other forums where it is safe to vent our frustrations, ask for help and opinions and offer a few to those we can help. You are verrrrrry new to this pain, and can't expect it to decrease much anytime soon. The first month or two is excruciating, but the more you talk, especially with him, the better it will get and slowly oh so slowly, you can begin to breathe again. My Uh and I are 8 months past dday. I didn't think I would make it 8 days. There is plenty of room for hope!-jb