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Joined: Oct 2003
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We have been trying to work things out, and have been doing well, especially over the last 4 days. It has been two weeks since OM and WW have had any contact.
Yesterday, I intercepted a letter from OM.
The only way she would know about it, is if he would call her and ask her about it.
Do I keep the letter from WW, Do I open it and read it.
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Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 2,541
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Well if you go by the book you open and read it then give it to her.
Radical honesty, no contact and accountability are the three basics the Harleys say a wayward spouse must be willing to do in order to rebuild their marriage after an affair.
Does that mean she will see it that way?
I don't know. Did she agree to be completely open and accountable? You know give you access to email accounts, cell phones and so on?
If she did then this won't be a problem. If she didn't it might but............
Too bad for her. This is your marriage and your right to protect it is more important than her perceived right/need for privacy.
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Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 99
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Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 99 |
Legally, the letter was addressed to her, she needs to get it.
Give it to her and wait. She will either:
Destroy it without looking, keeping NC.
Open it in your presence and let you read it with her.
Give it back to you unopened.
Or, worst case, read it alone and not let you know the contents.
Whatever happens, it gives you an idea of where her head it.
Let her know how you feel about it, with AO, DJs, etc.
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950
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Joined: Jan 2002
Posts: 6,950 |
Add my vote to stunned dad's comments.
If you want her to be honest with you, why don't you show her that you are honest with her by showing her the e-mail the OM sent her? She'll see that you are NOT controlling or being manipulative with her, and that you are not, emotionally speaking, a delicate flower that will shrivel up and die but a strong oak tree that can weather the strongest of emotional storms in your life. But more importantly, she may realize that she can trust you, and isn't that worth it?
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Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
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Joined: Oct 2000
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This is what I would do:
I would open it with my spouse, and read it together.
If the OP is married, make a copy and send it to the OP's spouse.
Open book all around.
Pep
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Joined: Aug 2003
Posts: 45
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I agree with Pepperband - I would open it together. If she has a problem with you reading it with her, then you still have a "bigger" problem. Once the NC rule is in order, you have every right to know about contact of any kind. You are being a courteous spouse by not secretly opening it without her..if she is truly being honest and open with you, she'll be ok with the way you handled the letter.
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Joined: Nov 2003
Posts: 143
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Crushed... you've been handed an opportunity to test WW's newfound commitment to honesty.
Here's what I'd do. Don't open it, leave it for her to receive and open, and don't say anything about it. See if she mentions it. If she doesn't, that's not a good sign, but it's not determinative. Then, a few days later, ask her if she's had any further contact with OM, or if he's tried to contact her. (Don't specify by which method.)
If she says yes and tells you about the letter, that's a step in the right direction. If she says no, then you have your answer too, don't you?
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