Hello,
I just discovered this website and found I am not alone. Please forgive me for I am just learning the Acronyms.
I just found out of an affair my wife of 9 years has just started the last 2 months . We have two great kids boy 4, girl 8 to whom she has been a great mother. The OM is a long time friend of hers from high school who has a marriage of 14 years and has been in an admitted multitude of affairs.He is/was also a mens marriage counseling leader in their church.What a hipocrite. He has just moved out from his wife and 2 kids and has been pursuing my wife. We have had a good marriage, I thought, been a little bumpy emotionaly wise for her but I had no clue she feels the way she says. She claims she has "disconnected" from me and made a "connection" with him and is in love. She claims it is only kissing and petting thusfar?? When I confronted her, its been a week now, she admitted the goings on but was just taking it 1 day at a time. I have slowly pulled more info out and she has reluctantly confessed to the last 2 months. She says she will stop all communication with him but has yet to do so. I don't think she wants to reconclile but has agreed to therapy. We have an appointment this week. I believe she is agreeing only to get through the holidays for the kids sake and to also say that she tried so save face with family and friends. I of course am devastated and hurt. I love this woman with all my heart and am torn between telling her to get out and saving our marriage.I try not to push her with questions, but I need to understand why this happened. Why she could not talk to me about how she felt before this happened. She has never said she was this unhappy until now. She clams up and doesn't talk. She's planning a trip to visit her mother and to think things through. I know this is my fault to a large degree. I haven't given to her emotional needs. I told her I am willing to learn and do anything to save our marriage but she doesn't seem to care. I am having trouble sleeping, sleeping pills only work for a few hours and eating, mostly coffee and a few nibbles here and there. I have trouble focusing at work but manage to get through the day.
If anyone can give me advice or words of wisdom, it would come greatly appreciated.

Hi....I am sorry for you pain as I am going throught the exact same thing. I just found out last week my H had an A. We have a 3 year old girl. He did send the OW a no contact letter and has not talked to her since then, but I do not know what to believe or not to believe. We too have a MC appointment next week.

I have no words for advice but to say I feel your pain. What helped with me this past week is reading this site and writing messages.

May god bless you and may you too make it throught this awful situation.

Welcome to Marriagebuilders. When You first find out it is awful. I couldn't eat, sleep, sat like a zombie at work, couldn't do anything. Start with Plan A. Read all about it here. I didn't do it because I had already thrown H out when I found MB. It has been 5 months since D-day and most days I feel fine, even though H is living with OW. The MB program will get you through this. Stick with it. It's a terrible time of year to be going through all this, but things will get better. Keep posting and reading here, there is lots of great support by folks that have been through it.

Thank you both for your kind words of support.It is helpful to know that others care. She is my only close friend I have and have no one to confide in or talk to. Thank God for the internet!!!
I really feel like exploding. The anger I have at her for doing this to our family, the anger and frustration I have at myself for being oblivious to her needs for so long.
They say that time is a great healer but it takes so long for time to go by.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your situation is harder, but your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good. But, whether your spouse is "on board" or not, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

For a long time I felt that the A was due to me neglecting my wife's needs as well as the occasional LB. Now, I know better. I deserved for me wife to sit me down and tell me something like "Listen you insenstive jerk, you are not meeting my needs for this and that. This is causing me to have bad feelings about you and our marriage. Let's to to a MC and get some help to fix things." I deserved that.

In no way did I deserve the A, the lies and the deceit that came with it. In no way did I deserve the pain. And you don't either.

Work with her if she is willing. Read Surviving An Affair and Not Just Friends. You must understand the A in order to defeat it.

what do you do when youre wife lies and says there is no a how do u get to work on it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

to eemd.
i just kept pushing her to be honest with me. I had a lot of proof that kept mounting against her. Last night I found out what I had expected...they have been sleeping together. I knew it. It was very hard to hear. I went a little crazy. nothing physical, I could never hurt her. Just screaming. Today was painful. Went to confront the OM. He called cops, I got handcuffed for a while. I don't advise anyone ever doing that! I still hate the guy but won't confront him again. She still can't see he's a predator. Still protects him. She still has not sent a letter of no contact to him, but says she has not talked to him. I don;t know what to beleive. I hurt so much. One minute I love and will do anything to save our marriage the next I want her to leave. We see a counselor tomorrow. I sure hope it helps.
Thanks to anyone out there listening. It helps to use this forum.

It's not the OM you need to confront, it's your wife. yet, you have to do that in a way that will preserve your relationship. Not easy. Re-read the Plan A links in my quote above.

It been 2 half weeks now. Been to MC. little help. I found out what I have been doing wrong. But it doesn't justify her A. She still not acting like she cares or wants to work things out. Just says 1 day at a time. I don't know her anymore. She's turned into this cold person that is going through motions. Waiting for time to pass. I miss my wife. I don't know this new person. I beginning to believe the best thing to do is cut her loose and let her go. I know thats what she wants right now. But I love her and struggle to make the right decision. The kids will be devastated but they will have lots of love. I don't know what the best choice is right now. I feel she will never love me again and I am wasteing my time, energy and emotions. Should I move on with my life or hang in there??? I feel so lonely.
Thanks for listening and any advice.

terry,
i wish i could say that what you're feeling is particular to you but it isn't...just read the posts on this board and what becomes toooo obvious is that for each of us, the experience of what you're going through is relatively similar. sick ha? that makes us all a bunch of cliches, LOL...

but seriously my answer to your question would be to stick with it and fight for your marriage...especially if you think it can be salvaged.

if in time you feel that there's no longer any value in the relationship you'll have plenty of time to quit on it...you have in fact a life time to quit...but right now only a small window of opportunity to hang in there and see if both you and your W can grow a little from this negative experience and come back together and create a stronger and better life for yourselfs and your children.

in any case, please, don't rush into any rash decisions. 95% of what you'll say and do right now will be wrong! so for a while, just say and do nothing. no one ever got into any trouble by just keeping their mouth shut...so just give it some time.

that's my best advice.
coach

Terry,

You are fighting a fire with a can of gasoline. STOP. Simply STOP everything you are doing, saying, and thinking, and GO to a bookstore and buy Surviving an Affair by Harley. READ IT, cover to cover.

You will see many things.

1. You are not unusual.

2. Your marriage can be recovered.

3. Your W is acting as thousands before have.

4. She is saying things to you and they will be like a script from a play. THey have been said so many times before.

5. Until affair ends she will behave as she is doing, she is in the "FOG".

6. When the affair stops she will go through withdrawal just like a junkie. She will be even worse than she is now. She will ache for the OM, she will be silent, then mean, then cry. She will gradually feel guilt (she feels none now, because she couldn't do what she is doing without making YOU the bad guy, you aren't).

7. IF you hang in there use plan A and plan B as described in the books and on this site, you have a good chance of rebuilding your marriage if YOU decide to.

8. Harley's stuff works because it is pragmatic, and he deals in data. The data is that most affairs END. A small fraction lead to marriage with OP, and most of those marriages fail.

9. You have no responsibility for her affair. You do have responsibility for the state of the marriage before the affair.

10. NO Love Busters, LB's. I mean NONE.

11. If the affair seems to be continuing, tell OM's W, your family, her family, let the light of day shine on this "proud" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> moment in human relations. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

OK? Got the plan? Go do it. It will help you more than you can imagine.

Finally, post here ask questions especially as you do your reading. You will do your children no good in jail and you really cannot learn with your mouth working right now. There will be plenty of time to have your say, but do your homework so that what you say is as effective as it can be. Being mad, angry, hurt, lost, are all normal reactions, but they will NOT get you to your goal.

So, step back, refocus, keep your eye on the ball, and go for it. Go to the bookstore and get with the plan.

God Bless,

JL