I wrote this a day or two after D-day (its now 2 1/2 weeks past). I wanted some control over what was happening to me. DH at the time was very much in love with her and I agreed not to send the letter unless he was in complete agreement.

I did tell him how important it was to me and how it would be good for my self -esteem knowing that I had acted honorably in the face of adversity. He wouldn't agree to me sending it because I think he was hoping to stay friends with her, not hurt her (and perhaps secretly get back with her... who knows eh?)

He had written her a Dr Harley style "I'm working on my marriage and don't want to see you" style letter that was almost copied verbatim from here and we had silence from her for almost a week. Then she emailed him a funny about work, saying "I know you don't want to talk to me, but couldn't resist this". He noticed that there was a return receipt in his sent box so we know she knows he read it.

I tackled him once more about the letter. He agreed to send it this time. He was upset, but felt at this point that we needed her to leave us alone.

Here's what I wrote...

__________________________________
Dear XXX,

I wanted to contact you, not to threaten or belittle you, but just to clear the air. (DH) made your contact information available to me.

I don't know what (DH) has told you about me and our children. After all, he has lied to me so I don't know if he has lied to you.
I do love my husband very much and have decided to stick with him. He is a good father and my sons think the world of him. I realise now that we have some work to do to have the kind of marriage that we both want and our sons deserve.

Contary to what you might think, it was all (DH)'s idea to send the letter to you by email -- although he was happy to let me read it. He felt that it would be easier in the long run for not just him and me, but also you, if this was finished quickly so that all might heal.

Please respect his desire to no longer be in contact with you.

(Me)


______________________________

Well today was his first day back at work. He rang me to tell me that he thought my letter worked. Apparently he had ordered her a Christmas gift a while ago. She stormed in, while talking to someone else on the phone and threw it on his desk and stormed out.

Of course I tried my best to be supportive and loving when he rang to tell me... he sounded very shook up.

What do you think?

Sounds good. Are you firmly in Plan A? Start there. Then get together and get a plan for reconciliation. Your marriage can be better than ever if you follow the MB program. Good luck and hang in there.

I think so... I'm trying to avoid negative behaviour and so is he -- when I stomp off reading the SAA book helps me calm down and remember my long term goals (save/ have good marriage) instead of saying something mean and angry. We are still talking about difficult stuff but trying to be considerate and calm.

He has taken three weeks off work (with one day a week at work to do urgent stuff) and we are spending a huge amount of time together doing stuff we both enjoy and trying to do nice stuff together. We have also started seeing a counsellor once a week that both of us like. She seems very down to earth. She isn't familiar with Dr Harley's work but seems open to using it or at least reading it.

He initially said he no longer loved me and had broken it off with the OW because of our kids, but after two weeks of togetherness he thinks he does love me... he says he remembers a lot of the stuff that made him fall in love with me initially. He is trying really hard to work on this and seems to be bending over backwards to make this work which encorages me.

He says he still loves her, but not so intensely or painfully as he did before he broke it off with her. Her angry outburst today with the Christmas gift really threw him a loop.

Just some background info. We have been married 9 years, together 15 (High school sweethearts). Two kids 7 and 3. His affair lasted 3 months and was an EA and PA.

<small>[ December 08, 2003, 07:40 PM: Message edited by: much2much ]</small>