with genital herpes. I can't begin to tell you what I'm feeling. To give you some background I have been married for almost 16 years. He was my first and last. He was overseas and I had this gut intuition about him and this girl he hung with. He would tell me about hanging with her. Just the things he did was so out of character during this time. It would be a book to write them all. He told me when he came back that he realizes he made some dumb decisions but that he was never unfaithful. My gut has screamed at me this whole time however I cannot prove anything. I have been leaning on God this whole time and asking for concret proof. Well You may say I now have it. The doc told me there is a very slim chance he had it from before we were married. I told him last night and he said he was very sorry. He said he can't believe that I'm paying for something he did when he was young and stupid. He still denies anything with anyone. I'm dying inside and feel so.......... I still cannot absolutely prove anything. I know some may say I'm in denial and maybe I am but what can I do without 100% absolute proof. I have four kids to think about too. Please your thoughts <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I'm very sorry about your diagnosis. {{{Can't Believe It}}} (that's a cyber-hug) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You have all the proof you require. Your gut knows and this makes it highly unlikely that anything else occurred. You do not need 100% proof. Even if you had it, he'd explain it away (they all do). I think you should treat the situation as if he were unfaithful with this woman. Have you been tested for other STDs?

Is he still in contact with this woman?

<small>[ December 09, 2003, 12:51 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

CBI: You can recover your marriage with Herpes. You cannot recover your marriage without honesty. As Tak said: You know. Your gut told you before the diagnosis.

It is highly unlikely that you had intercourse with your H for 16 years and did not get infected.

Genital herpes is a very contagious disease that is transmitted by genital contact or oral-genital contact when there are active lesions. If there is intercourse or any kind of contact with no lesions it does not get transmitted.

Did your H complain about painful genital blisters in the past 16 years? Did he ever seek medical evaluation or treatment?

He should be honest with you and tell you the whole truth about what has happened in the recent past.

I am surprised that your physician would tell you that H could have had Herpes before you met. That is so highly unlikely if not impossible!

You can rebuild a M with genital herpes but your H has to start to be honest and stop the lying.

Thank you both for your responses. I have been reading this site for a couple years now and I have come to respect both of you. I have tried to apply some of the principles here and they really helped during the time he spent with her. I have changed myself for me not him. Since he has been back I have seen him really trying but now.....

Takola Thank you for the cyberhug it means more than I can say. To be honest I do not know if they are in contact. She lives on the in another state now. I know he is not using his cell or our home computer. However his work computer I don't know. I did email her awhile back about this and told her that someone had implied about the two of them. She didn't even ask who. She wrote the same exact things my spouse had told me over the past couple years that he was nothing more than a big brother and mentor. Yes my doc is testing me for others <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Johnh39 I too believe you have to have the truth to move a marriage forward. But how do you get that? I have tried to make him feel safe and other things I can't think of right now. He says he knows that I will always have that doubt now but he says there has never been anyone since we have been together. I don't know what to do anymore except continue praying. Any suggestions would be welcomed.

Thanks again

HI Iceprincess
Thanks for responding.
That's what my head keeps telling me that how on the earth could I not have gotten this before. He says we were lucky. I only know of one time three or four years ago where he had an itch down below and some cracking and oozing(sorry). He saw doc who said it was just jock itch. I keep reading info on herpes and its so confusing. Doc said their was a very small chance that it was from that long ago, however she felt it was the last year or so. I know what my head tells me and I know what my heart tells me and I know what he tells me. I just don't know what to believe. HOw do you get someone to tell you the truth?

Well, in order to fully recover, you do have to have the truth. You don't have to have it to start.

You say you've been reading for a while, so what MB steps have you taken regarding the affair?

I'll tell you what I tell everyone else. You don't trust him on this because he has shot his credibility. You shouldn't trust him. It is his job to rebuild the trust - not yours. As such, he should be presenting YOU with evidence that there is no contact with this woman.

He should send a no contact letter to her (there is basically a form for this, I'm not certain if you know that, so I'll throw it out there and let you ask if you don't know). He needs to commit to a marital recovery plan which includes getting a professional involved. (Who will see through the crap pretty darn quick, btw.)

Stupid I'll buy. I'm not sure his stupidity was when he was as young as he's implying. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Ok, that's my feeble attempt at a joke. If you can't kill something, you might as well laugh. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Now comes the hard part. You know the truth. You just don't want to know the truth, because it is painful and tears you up inside. You want someone to jump out of the woodwork with an explanation that makes it all not true. It isn't logic that's holding you back from the truth, it's fear of the pain. I think I can say 99.9% of us have been there.

Why does any BS believe the lies of the WS? When they bother to look, the evidence is usually there in front of them - in plain view. (Not so much in your case...) They believe the lies because they want to.

Needless to say the "big brother" and "mentor" have to come to a grinding halt. My OW-wannabe described my H as her "little brother". Guess the...er...wonderful woman was into incest. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

<small>[ December 10, 2003, 05:26 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

Thanks again Takola for your reply. I need all the help and input I can get. And all the jokes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I've been walking around feeling numb so some sort of feeling feels good.

What have I done. Lots of praying, read this site, when this first started several years ago I let him know how I felt and then I left it alone. He was overseas so we had minimal contact. I only encouraged him in his work and discussed the kids. I found out what I needed to improve in me to make me a better person for me. I found out one of his most important EN's was recreational companionship which I am working on now. We discussed being totally honest with each other which he has agreed to (is he I'm not sure). He knows my most important EN is honesty. I've been to counseling through our church.

He tells me he has not been in contact with her for almost a year and she has not contacted him. She lives in another state now. Do I know for sure No.

He has admitted he made mistakes by not doing what I asked. He has apologized for it several times. He says he knows I will always have doubt and that he doesn't know what he can do to convince me that he didn't do anything.

It's not that I don't want to know the truth because I do. I told him if something happened than if he told me now we could work through this but once we move on from here if I later find out than we are through.

I'm just afraid that if I condem him, what happens if he is truly innocent of a PA. I know this may sound stupid. But innocent people have been convicted of things on circumstantial. If my doc hadn't said their was a slight possibility. I don't know. My head is full of confusion that I want to stop. On one hand I feel like the biggest fool and on the other I feel like a terrible wife. I just don't know what to do?

Please help I am taking in everything you have to say and thinking on it. Thanks again.

I contracted genital herpes from my wife after she had unprotected sex with the OM. It took about two weeks after she had slept with him for me to start show the telltale signs of infection. Sorry, you husband is not be honest with you.

I'm not trying to be argumentative, here with regards to herpes and how it is transmitted.

I was recently taught that it can be transmitted even if there is not an outbreak. It has to do with shedding of the cells.

Do I believe it, I don't know. I'd like to know where and how they came up with this theory? That part was not disclosed.

So, according to this theory it is possible that your H could have contracted it long ago. However, I do believe the chances of transmitting it are greater with present lesions vs remission and shedding of the cells, (I believe the risk is low in the shedding of the cells theory).

I also learned that a person could have a mild outbreak and not know they have one, in this situation, it is also possible to transmit the disease. (This could be where they get the shedding of the cells theory, maybe the participants had mild outbreaks and did not know it, so it was presumed that they were shedding cells that contained the virus.) (I have a bad habit of over analyzing everything).

This is not meant to confuse you or to defend your H. I'm just passing on what I have been taught. (with some of my own theories, interpretations thrown in for good measure)

Good luck to you.

Oh, and one more thing,

I have a couple of friends who have genital herpes. They live active happy productive lives. One even had children after contracting the disease. So, life does not end.

However, do make sure you do not have other STD's and stay on top of your annual exam.