So sorry you have to be here. I have quoted below my standard reply to first-time visitors in your situation. While it is written for betrayed spouses (BS's) who want to save their marriage, and you sound like you are not sure at this point, there is a wealth of information there that will help you whether or not you and your H decide to stay together, and in fact will help you make the decision. I have to put in another caveat, because of the fact that your husband seems to have had a double life over a long period of time. One resource I mention in passing below, but want to strongly recommend to you, is the book "The State of Affairs", by Todd Mulliken. He has a chapter that deals specifically with that kind of affair. Harley's approach can be a problem for women whose husbands have this pattern of behavior, because Harley's approach is basicly: Fix your marriage, in parrticular by meeting your wayward spouse's emotional needs, and the impetus for an affair goes away. While there is a great deal of truth in that, "Double-Life Men", as Mulliken labels them, frequently say that their marriages are great. So Harley's approach in those cases may not make much sense, especially at first.
The fact that you thought you were dealing with your marital issues, and your H confessed may be a good sign that he is finally making the internal changes necessary to stop having affairs, and that your relationship really is improving, even though it does not feel like that now. My wife was a "double-life woman" (not described in the book because it is infrequent, but the pattern is similar). Her confession was after a period where I thought our marriage was improving for some time, and though she was still involved in the affair at the time she confessed, it was a turning point for her and for us. At the time she confessed, it made me feel like the prior improvements were just a big lie. In retrospect, I think they helped her understand what our marriage could be, and that her affair and continued dishonesty were blocking our progress.
One more thing: Despite me suggesting you read Mulliken and sort of dissing Harley, this is strictly from the standpoint of UNDERSTANDING what happened. I expect the understanding you gain from reading Harley alone will be incomplete. In terms of understanding how to recover, whatever the cause, I don't think there is anyone better than Harley, because his program works for people whose affairs have nothing to do with unmet emotional needs, despite his contention that unmet emotional needs are the primary cause of affairs. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. If your spouse is
NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read
What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at:
Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and
Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your situation is harder, but your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good. But, whether your spouse is "on board" or not, you should do three things:
1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the
Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (
BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the
Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at
How to Survive Infidelity The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.
2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart,
How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here:
Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.
You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.
3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.
You might also want to read through:
WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.
Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link:
How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
