How's this for a first post:

I have been happily married to my wife for over 13 years, we have two sons, 11 and 8 and everything we need for a happy life. I work 14 days per month and provide a comfortable existance for my family. My wife stays home and supports our family better than anyone I know.

We started out as high school sweethearts and progressed into a relationship that I felt was stronger than normal. At 19 years old I left the country for two years on a church mission. She promised to be faithful and until yesterday, I was promised that she was.

When I returned home, she assured me that she was faithful, everything was as good as the day I left, so we married soon afterward. We have been best friends for more than 20 years.

Yesterday she told me that she could not live with herself any longer and confessed to me that she had a relationship with a young man during my absence that progressed into a sexual relationship. I am crushed. My whole life has been a lie. Everything that I held sacred has not been.

She has told me that she has never strayed since we were married, and I do believe her. I understand that I was gone and not fulfilling her needs, but it does not comfort me.

I have no idea what to do. I have cried, yelled, screamed, and even thought of ending my life. It hurts more than anything I have ever felt. Our relationship was based on false trust. Where do I start?

Why did she confess this to you now? Did she tell you why she told you now? Did you ask?

My whole life has been a lie.
No it hasn't.

Read the links below.

Hi there,

Welcome to MB although I am sorry it was for painful reasons.

Is there more you can tell us about your relationship? Were you both happy and fullfilled in the marriage up unitl yesterday? I also would like to know why your wife confessed now.

Your whole life has not been a lie,don't confuse what your wife did many years ago(that lie) with the person that YOU are(the truth).

October

thinnerice,

Chris made a very important statement to you and I hope you read the references he has bookmarked. Please understand I am not trying to belittle your feelings of pain, and betrayal, but there are a few things you need to do and understand.

You feel your whole marriage is a lie and that is true for part of it. BUT, your children are not a lie. Your work is not a lie. Your house is not a lie. Interestingly, your marriage is not a lie, because since the day she took her vows she has kept them. The major lie is who you felt you knew your W was when you married.

So that brings us to the issue. Your W lied by ommission for a long time, but it ate at her because she did/does respect you and what you are to her, right? She has carried this load for a long time, and finally her conscience could NOT let her carry it any further. I am assuming that she and this guy have NOT had contact since your marriage. You may not feel this way, but I feel our conscience is our Maker speaking to us.

So Thinner, do a couple of things. One, stop and take a deep breath. Two, do the reading that Chris mentioned. Three, realize what it took for her to tell you this, and consider how much this secret has been hurting her and eating at her. Then, my friend give this plenty of time and patience. You will have to have patience with yourself as you work through it and it will take time.

One doesn't get this kind of news and just say: "Cool, well let's move on, shall we?" She has known of this all along so she has had plenty of time to process this, but you will need time. Take the time and let her help you.

One last thing to remember. She has NOT defiled your marriage with adultery. She has lied to you ONCE and it was a serious lie, but she has NOT defiled your marriage. I know you still hurt, because you just found out, but you can heal from this and she can help you if you let her.

Yelling, withdrawing, etc, will not help you get through this. Talking will, interacting respectfully will, understanding that she wants to help will. Take your time, let yourself heal, but do it with GRACE. You may well find what many here have found. Once something like this is out in the open, it can often lead to a deeper more profound interaction with your mate. That doesn't mean you don't hurt right now, but it may well lead your marriage to a level you have not seen yet.

So have some faith in yourself and have some in her. It took a lot for her to tell you this and from what you have said she wants the marriage to continue. So Thinnerice step back abit, and let this settle, then start to processs this information along with the realization that you have had a good marriage and a FAITHFUL W. You did have an unfaithful girl friend.

Please think about these things. Your marriage can survive this, and it can even be improved although I realize that you don't think that now.

God Bless,

JL

We have talked about our past off and on over the years, both of us have had 'mistakes' that eachother knew about. We had some problems with honesty and financial matters about a year ago that injured my trust in her word. I asked about her relationship with the OM again, and she lied, but I could tell that she was lieing. I pushed the matter and she told me. What was I thinking? What a mistake!

Our marriage is very fulfilling for both of us. We love to be together, we love to do things together, we are in love with eachother.

Thank you for your replies. I read all the concepts last night and more links than I can list. I look at your ideas with an open mind and they have helped me tremendously.

We have an incredible relationship. There is still love there. When we talk, things are okay, not great, but okay.

I am haunted by my mind when I am alone. I swing into depression at the drop of a hat, and it takes a while to come out, then like it never happened, it's okay again.

thinner

Hi. First off, as you read what I have to say, please remember I normally take a black'n white view/approach to things.

For a little background: I too married a woman who divulged her "past" to me after we were married, however it was only about 6mo rather than 13yrs. I can say, getting wound up about who you "thought" you married is fruitless and will lead to more harm you can imagine, granted you dwell on it. It's not worth it bud. You married who you married.

Here' the "black & white" of the event from an outside view. You weren't married. (were you even engaged?). YOU took off for two years. She's human right? She had a life to live right? Consider these questions and ask yourself if disappearing for two years would/wouldn't should/shouldn't put a big dent in what she thought of your feelings towards her. "Honey, I love you but I'm leaving you to go do whatever for 2 years" would be a complete show stopper for most relationships IMHO. You managed to keep her... you should be grateful.

Now, as for her finally confessing. (black'n white again.. no grey here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) Well, she just as easily could have elected not to tell you. She could have shown she has no problem living a so-called lie. She could have so little respect for you that she felt it wasn't any of your business what she did while you were galavanting around the globe. Was it any of your business? Really?

It sounds to me like you're married to a jewel among the the females of our species. She loves you enough that this has been eating at her for 13yrs, right? She finally told you, right? She's very remorseful, right?

Let it go. Work on yourself if you have to, because IMHO, your marrital future will rely much more on YOUR behavior when dealing with this issue, not hers. I made about every mistake you can think of on a similar issue and it not only had a devestating impact on my wife, it very nearly cost me my marriage, so be warned.

<small>[ December 14, 2003, 07:03 AM: Message edited by: Mortimer ]</small>

How's this for a first post....
I am the W of thinnerice. I have contemplated replying to his topic. I have to laugh a little. He has talked to me about this site. I log on to this site this morning and read his topic, not knowing it's him, because the title was so familiar to me! Low and behold, it was about ME!! I am hoping that by my replying, we can get some answers, ideas, or help from other members on this board. I must first say, that I have NEVER been unfaithful to him since we were married. I know the act of the relationship isn't what hurts so much. The fact that I lied to him about it. The fact that the lie was 13 yrs old. The fact that I told him 3 weeks ago, that I never had a physical relationship with this other person. I am struggling with a few things in this whole situation. I have been dishonest about financial issues twice since we've been married. These are strong reasons to lose trust in me, I know that. Then there is this ongoing dishonesty about a pre-marriage relationship for 13 yrs. I see that there is a pattern. But I am done with this pattern. I am done living in this Hell. I am ready to move on and live an honest life with my husband, the man I love. I have promised, I have pleaded. Thinner takes it in, I think he's believing me, then he gets into a funk, and we rehash everything! We keep going back to this. I want to leave the past alone, everything is out. I have no more lies. I understand that Thinner is having a hard time trusting me. My question is this, What can I do to prove to him that the whole truth about everything is out. That I WILL not be dishonest about anything more. I'm ready to build that marriage into something I never thought was obtainable! I have loved him with all my heart and soul. The reasons I've been dishonest, is to protect him, to keep him happy. An excuse? I don't know. I just know, that there is no other reason in my mind that I would want to be dishonest with him. I never want to see him upset. The past month has been an emotional rollercoaster from hell. I hate that. But I have committed myself to complete honesty with him at all costs. I want him to know that I can change. I can turn my dishonesty around into honesty, at all times. I just don't feel he believes me. There have been issues with him being dishonest with me. Little things, but nonetheless, dishonesty. I have a hard time, because mine are so huge, that his do not matter, but they do. It hurts. I don't think our relationship has ever hit bottom, but I do think we coasted for a long time, and we were about to come to a dead end. I want to climb mountains. I want our relationship to be the best it can be. We have something very special, that has been very wounded. I know we'll heal, but part of healing is dealing with these open wounds

thinner

If you can't see the forest for the tree's here, you really should consider proffessional help.

M.

egairram ,

Welcome to this site. There is a lot of information here that will be of use to you. I would like to direct you to look up two articles on this site by Dr. Harley. One is about the concept of "radical honesty" and the other is about the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA.

I think both articles will help you and your H.

You asked about him trusting you and I thought I would offer a small discourse on what I think trust is. Hopefully, it will get you thinking differently about a few things.

In my mind trust, is simply the ability to "predict". If I trust you, I can predict that you will do as you say. I trust you to NOT hurt me if you are my friend or spouse AND I trust you to try and hurt me if you are my enemy. You see trust is NOT about love, or even friendship. It is the ability to predict.

So, right now your H has lost that ability because the data is very confused. You see if you always lied he could trust you...to lie. If you always told the truth he could trust you to...tell the truth. But, the data he is dealing with says you can and will hurt him. It says that you sometimes tell the truth and sometimes you don't.

What will have to happen is that you are going to have to be consistent for a lengthy period of time and as you are his ability to "predict", to trust, will grow. It takes more than a month or two. It can take years. But the good news is that most people work mostly on recent data. As you pointed out the event was over 13 years ago, and you have not violated the marriage with adultery. But, you have violated his trust in the last month. So it is too soon to expect him to believe you when you say "he can trust you."

It will take actions and consistent actions (consistent meaning that words and deeds line up). He will be hypervigilent for awhile but as you continue to be truthful and your actions match up he will relent and check up less and less. Gradually, his trust will return.

You should be happy that he will be checking, the more the better, it allows you to provide him with more data faster, hence speeding up the process.

Please do continue to read and post. I think you will learn many surprising things as will your H.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong> You may well find what many here have found. Once something like this is out in the open, it can often lead to a deeper more profound interaction with your mate. That doesn't mean you don't hurt right now, but it may well lead your marriage to a level you have not seen yet.

So have some faith in yourself and have some in her.

JL </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Things are getting better every day. There are huge setbacks and issues that seem to crop up, but we are both committed to making it work.

The level of love and feelings we have for eachother has increased beyond what I could have imagined. We are going through the principles here together and have ordered a copy of HN/HN. We have a special relationship that few of my peers have with their spouses. Sex has even stepped to a level before thought impossible. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I hope it's not compensation for something else.

Thankyou again for some of your encouraging words and advice. They are helping me to find out a lot of issues with my spouse as well as myself.