Help! I think I am having panic attacks. We will be going to my husbands xmas party tonight where the lady from his office will be. I think they are having an affair. Since I do not know for sure I have to pretend like all is well. God I do not know what to do or act or say. Any ideas!!!!

Hello,

This is a tough situation but here are a couple of things of the top of my head you may consider.
First, make sure the OW sees you being very affectionate with your husband.
Second, introduce yourself to the OW's husband if she is married so he will know who you are if you need to discuss this with him later on.
Thirdly, try to find people who you think would be willing to open up to you about things that are going at work. Usually when people are drinking they are more like to say things they should not.
I wish you luck.

Wondering,

Why do you think so?

Here's a suggestion....use radical honesty to explain to your husband that you are uncomfortable going to a party where you suspect his affair partner will be present. Stay home and discuss it.

well I survived the party! I tried my best to look good and carry a attitude of confidence (even though I sure didn't always feel that way)
My husband didn't do alot of talking with this lady from the office and her friend. It was almost like he advoided talking to her. I made it a point for her to see me touch him and whisper in his ear. Thanks Bryant for the advice!

However on the way home I was really interested in what he thought about them. I casually mentioned how surprising it was to see that she didn't have a date for the past 3 years that she has been there. And that the short skirt she was wearing made her legs look fat (I know it was pretty childish of me). He said he though she looked ok and she though too highly of herself. But when we got to talking about the secretary who has lost a lot of weight and divorced her husband, he got all defensive and said she's very sexy. Is this weird or am I reading too much into this.
starfish,I have been uncertain for way to long. He suddenly thinks I am controlling, always finding fault with everything I do. We don't have sex anymore unless it is on the weekends when we are together. He spends alot of time with his buddy who is going through a divorce. Unless I have evidence he will just throw it in my face that I accuse him. He knows that the only thing that would break our marriage is if he was cheating on me. So I know he would deny till the bitter end. Frankly I think my husband doesn't like change so he would stay in our relationship until I say its over. So in the meanwhile I follow the advice here and try to meet his needs. At times it does get tiring and I think someday I may not be able to handle it anymore because it is stressful to turn the other cheek but its hard to alway ignore things.

Thanks for the help

Wonder,

There is a post on GQII you might find interesting. It's called Several Tips to Catch a Cheater

To that list, I'd like to add this. My SIL caught her H by taping a voice activated recorder under the seat of his car....seems like her H liked to call the OW on his way to work.

But tell me....what signs do you see that are sending up red flags for you? Is there a basis for your suspicions?

The one he got very defensive about is the one. That is a sure sign. When they are having an affair, the WS's can't stand anyone saying something negative about the OP. My H's OW was a neighbor and long before I suspected an A, he asked me why I never waved at her. I told him I don't like her (we had an argument at the pool, and she was completely nasty). He kept telling me I should be nicer to her. When I suspected he was meeting someone, I immediately thought of her. Bingo.
You need to stay in Plan A. Your H has the signs of cheating - being critical of you, sex only on weekends. Keep watching. You can get a recorder to plug into phone jack at home that will record phone calls - you just hide it behind something. Also you can get cell phone activity from phonebust.com for $110. Also if you know her name and can find out where she lives, drive by once in awhile. I discovered OW was gone everytime my H was gone. Then I knew the truth.

Something is fishy for sure. There is a lot you can do.
So - do some digging as suggested but also read up on this site about Plan A and begin immediately!! Time to change just having sex on the weekends - surprise him on a weekday! Wear your sexiest lingerie - light some candles...and go girl. When you catch yourself being critical STOP - just listen to him. Compliment him! Don't be superficial about it - mean it - say something you mean. Talk to him and most importantly LISTEN to him. That was key for me - he needs to know he is being heard and that he can say things to you that he means without worrying about being jumped on or judged. Plan a date night.

Basically - be pro-active! I sincerely hope he is not having an affair - but if he is and admits it - be prepared. Perhaps read "Surviving an Affair" now ...just in case.