My husband and I have been married nearly 19years and have 4 children, 3 still at home. He has had 2 affairs in our marriage that I know of, and he recently confessed to, right before I discovered his most recent one. This is where is gets a little weird and I'm hopeful there is someone out there who has some good advise. I am in counseling as well as getting support from my church, family and friends. He refuses to go back to church or into counseling (again) stating recently that it didn't really help us in the past. His most recent affair and what I say is an addiction is the internet. He has been in contact with several women, some local, and shares pornography. Very graphic clips, photos and stories. He has also been talking with at least one of them on the phone regularly. When I discovered this his emotional distance and increasing anger made more sense. He has been emotionally abusive to the family as well as, what I now recongize as sexually abusive to me and physically abusive to our son. He participated in live web cam sex with other couples and explored local group sex groups. His emotional connection to one woman was very deep in my opinion as I found all kinds of e-mail ie: hey baby want to get a little, call me now I'm on my way home etc. He did call her, at my demand and end it, after of course he told me he didn't have her number. I had to threaten to contact his employer to get his cell phone records before her remembered it. Not to mention his lack of participation in family activities. We have been seperated for over a month now and I am considering a divorce. I am also pretty sure he is in contact with a woman with which he had an affair in the past but I don't know that for a fact. I have asked him to give up the computer and he refuses stating I am trying to control him. He was furious that I snooped in his account and shocked that I was smart enough to find his secret accounts and access them. I did tell him up front that I knew everything he was doing on line and told him I was giving him a chance to be honest with me as we sat down at the computer. He lied, while looking me in the eye every step of the way. I kept telling him that I knew everything and he kept lying, telling me later he didn't trust me enough to forgive him. He tells me he is thinking of counseling now but is really only out of the home to give me space and time to heal. I have left out some of the more graphic details but am happy to answer any questions. I did tell him the thought of sex with him repulses me as I can't get many of those images out of my mind. I can't compete with the fantasies he has or am I able to meet all of his demands. He let me know I could but I chose not to. I am very hurt and although there may be a obvious solution to others I don't have one yet. I am financially tied to him and like many others will have to sell the house, car and move. I stayed last time because of the children and did learn to trust him and love him again. I'm not sure that is possible this time. Is there anyone who has hope for us or should I hire a lawyer?

I forgot to add that he has suggested I see my Dr. for medication as the happy me is only at work and he gets what is left over. That was a shock as I have been working very hard on our relationship and making him feel loved and appreciated as well as trying to keep stress at home to a minimum, although we all walk on egg shells around him. Also, re: the ow whom he called to end it, when he couldn't remember her number, I said I was going to call her and talk to her he was very upset and told me he didn't want any fighting and that she in in a long term relationship he didn't want to ruin and it was very late hour and he didn't want to wake her. I asked him why he was protecting her and he denied that he was. He now insists he is 100% honest with me and is angry when I don't believe him. I also saw a photo of her that he claims he doesn't remember seeing. Is it me or does he seem to have quite a few selective memory problems? Anyway, just a few more details that may help with the advise I am seeking. Thank you for reading my post.

Confused,

There is always hope, but your situation is definitely serious and it will require strength and resolve. It's not time for attorneys yet, but I do believe because of the nature of his serial cheating, and the physical abuse to your son that your relationship is unsafe and therefore you should move directly to Plan B. I'd like to you to read up on that plan and start asking some questions. Since plan B should be done with a counselor....I'd like you to contact one....preferably the Harleys or cerri, and when you're ready I'll tell you how. You will need to write a Plan B letter and you can post here for help. There will be conditions in place that he will have to meet before you will consider reconcilliation. I would suggest these:

*commitment to MC for at least 1 year
*sexual addiction counseling
*abuse counseling
(you may be able to find the right counselor to do all of the above)
*extra-ordinary precautions in place to avoid lovers and porn.
*commitment to a recovery plan which will help get your marriage back on track.
*accounting of his time, money and computer use.

These are for starters and I am sure I'm leaving something out.

Keep posting and we'll help as we can....but keep in mind that we are amateurs and you guys are in deep crisis and need the help of trained professionals. Good Luck and blessings to you.

Welcome to the forum.

Star*fish, Thank you for your thoughtful advice. I was actually given the same advice by a staff member at our church. I went to professional counseling also and was told "this may not work this time" This is the same counselor that saw both my H and M for several years.
I'm not sure what to do now as I have allowed him to come visit the children and be in the home for Thanksgiving and some afternoons. I do make sure he knows what is going on with the kids as I don't want them hurt anymore than they are already. Do I stop all contact now?
I did verbally request, calmly, that we go back to counseling and he refused, stating it never helped us the last time. Ouch! I thought it very helpful and that it was what helped me forgive and work on our marriage again, in addition to much prayer.
He claims he does not have a "problem" and that if I met his needs he wouldn't have to do what he has to do to get them met. He clearly denies that he has a sexual addiction problem yet admitted that he has forced himself on me. He also denies computer and other abuse problems because "it didn't happen that much" and he has now stopped.
I requested he attend a meeting with an accountability partner at church and he won't return their phone calls.
I also requested accountability of his time, money, computer time and activities and he has also refused, changed his password again and claims I am trying to control him.
He is still allowing his paychecks to go into our account so I can pay our bills but money is very tight with the added expenses and we won't be able to do this forever.
Should I make these requests in a letter now?
What is your opinion on additional counseling at this point? My counselor said I was doing well with the kids and setting good boundries for my H. He said if I need to come in I can but H has the next move. I am thinking about some antidepressants as I am really having a hard time getting my feet on the floor and my work is suffering as well. God has blessed me with a very understanding boss. I also work in the helping profession, (not counseling)and feel like I should have seen it sooner, done something different etc. Now I feel.......floaty...drifting....distracted and deeply hurt and sad. Your thoughts?

confused,

Again, these strategies....particularly Plan B should be done with someone trained to help you. My training is not finished....so please contact someone like cerri to be your coach and she will set you up with a mentor like myself to help give you support on a daily basis.

I think you may have to take some sort of legal action as in a separation agreement (not a divorce proceeding) to protect yourself financially. With four kids....there is just too much on the line. And then yes....in a formal Plan B letter....end any and all contact, set up a mediator who can help with everyday communication, and make arrangements for formal visitation.

I would definitely see your doctor about ADs....this stuff is very stressful and depressing.

Here's cerri's site http://www.saveyourmarriagecentral.com/pages/1/index.htm she is amazing and very proactive.

You can also contact the Harley's using the info on the home site.

Good luck and keep posting.

star*fish
Last night my H called to arrange pick up time for the kids and added that he has an appointment with our Pastor and an accountability partner today @4:00. I took a chance and gave him the list of things you had suggested (even though your training isn't completed :} )and told him I would like a counselor skilled in addictions and marriage counseling. He didn't deny an addiction this time and wrote it all down to take with him today.
This is going to be a long road but it seems to be a step in the right direction.
My reaction has been interesting in that I am not terrible excited nor hopeful. Part of me feels done with the whole situation. He continues to question me about time I spent in his accounts even though I've told him, upfront, everything. He also questioned me about what I've told to specific people as he is uncomfortable. I told him he would have to mend his relationships one at a time and that I was not going to keep his secrets this time. I feel sort of guilty that I'm not excited about the only positive step he has taken in months.
I can't seem to get anything done.
Going to the Dr. for depression, I'll keep you posted.

hi confused mom, I feel your pain ive been married for 20 years my wife had an affair 12 years ago her best freind told me i didnt believe her till we got renewed our vows 10 years ago my wife broke down cring and almost told me but didnt the next day at the wedding i knew it was true it was her idea to renew in the church, we were married by the judge the first time it was her way of repenting and i saw it in her eyes that she was truly sorry i forgave her she never admitted to it till recently about 7 months ago i injured my back and was home in bed she would get up on sat and sneek out said she was garage sale shopping but didnt buy anything this happened twice i got nosey next sat called her cell she didnt answer i then decided to see if i could access her messages i got the password the first time there was a message from om said the best western by the qt room 334 well my heart sank to my toes i wrote her a letter and went off to kill myself i couldnt do it my life flashed before my eyes i still loved her and my kids i just couldnt i came home and confronted her she tried to deny it she even cried she finally admitted to it and the other affair 12 years ago when i told her the liing had to stop or i was filing for divorce i told her she broke her vows i did nothing wrong i treat her like a queen i dont hunt,bar run, not into sports i like the things she does crafts gardening living in the country sex was great it just devestated me it made no sense she has admitted that it wasnt me it was her she thought she could get away with it it was the thrill of someone different she said she never stopped loving me that hurt because i would have to stop loving her and divorce her before i could be with another my trust in her is gone but were working on saving our marriage she goes to work where i know its safe and takes 1 of the boys with her whenever sgoes anywhere so maybe theres hope i hope so ive built my world around her and the boys

Well here is the latest. I thought things were going to be better this week because my H met with our pastor and another man Sat. I haven't heard from him since except today when he called to want to know why I expect so much from him, why it all has to be my way and why I won't discuss the number of times we "should be" having sex per week. I told him I won't discuss anything about our relationship until he meets with a certified counselor. I am in counseling but he doesn't want to return (counseled our last problems due to H affairs) to this counselor because H doesn't feel supported by him. Sometimes I just want to smack him!!!!! I am completely shocked that he wants me to promise that we will have sex more than once or twice a week. Oh and he wants to be held!!!!!!!!
Give me a break. Please tell me if I am losing my mind.

confusedmom4,
Just wanted you to know that I read your story and I am so sorry that you are going through this.

You have been given excellent guidance from starfish. What comes up for me to share with you is that this is not your fault. Each time he deflects and finds a way to blame you for his actions, you have to be strong. Don't let him make you feel that you haven't done enough. I think that was what hurt me the most. I hope that your Dr. put you on anti-depressants. Know that the addict will always find ways to get out of what they have to face - themselves! Plan B sounds like a good idea, he has alot of work to do.

Good luck and God Bless!

Thank you to all who have been so supportive. I am so grateful for the advice here at MB.

I have contacted a local mediator to help set up visitation and other issues. At this time he only does what "works for him" and has only taken them out of the house twice for a few hours. He is not participating in parenting at all because (see above) it doesn't work for him.

Christmas was ok because we stick to topics like Christmas cookies and Survivor. He is still very short with the kids and seems to be able to be the Disneyland Dad for only short periods of time.

At our last big confrontation, posted above, he clearly still thinks he is the one being misunderstood, which reflects in recent events.
He refuses to be accountable for his time. I took the kids skiing yesterday and invited him to go. He declined as he can no longer ski and didn't want to "sit in the lodge all day". I assured him there were lots of others going that would be in the lodge and our little one doesn't last long and could use his company. He had to many other things to do. When I nicely asked what he did all day I only got about 2 hours of accounted for time. He has also mentioned his lap top he is now using since I monitored his every move. YEA........like all his sex stuff with other people. Anyway he back to playing his computer games and I am sure he has a new e-mail account as he hasn't been receiving his regular mail here.

This new world of cyber sex and cyer affairs that lead into actual affairs is really scary to me. I wonder if I will ever be able to believe anything he says? I know for a fact that he has not gone without sex 6 weeks in the 22 years we have been together. So now I wonder who she is? I know he has someone locally as well as several on line because while he has been out of the home several women have been persistant in trying to contact him. I closed all the extra e-mail accounts that I knew about, so now he only has one offical one and who knows how many secret ones. I am sick to my stomach and so sad.
Will I ever be able to love him again? Time will tell as the counseling continues.

Thank you for all the amazing support. I will keep reading and continue working.
Blessings to all.