I've been trying so hard to be completely open and honest with H and let him know I'm here for him. For me marriage is for better and worse - and this is definately the worst.

He's now agreed to go to MC, and has told me he cut off all contact with OW - but he refuses to write her the "final letter" telling her it's completely over. She keeps calling him, and he (so far as I know) doesn't answer the phone. But, I know every time she calls it further damages our chances for survival in our marriage.

I had met with her earlier and asked her (since we were sort of friends before all this) to stop all contact with him, that she and he were only harming me, my H, our son (2 1/2) and herself. She refuses to stop. But, with him refusing to tell her it's over I can see why she wouldn't want to.

Please help. How can I convince him that it's absolutely necessary for our future that he writes this letter? He swares he wants to give our marriage another chance - but that's totally impossible the way he's acting now.

I can't continue to live like this.

best

I suggest you show him any of the many books including Dr. Harley's that say all contact with the other person must end completely. And most say there must be some formal declaration made to the other person wording the need for full and complete no contact.

He really needs to write the letter for all involved. It will put some finality on it for him, her and and you.

Find a book or a website that talks about the need for sending such a letter. Then read it to him or print the webpage for him to read.

BFB- My W and I struggled with that issue. I just told her that if SHE didn't communicate to the OM that the A was over, then I would contact the OM and HIS WIFE! I certainly didn't threaten anything violent. However, there are actions you can legally take to make their continuing contact so full of risk that you force the issue. But if you are not willing to make good on those threats, not willing to go to Plan B, you probably will be used! Instead, get firm and force him to make a decision, and PROVE that the A really IS in the past. He owes that to you! Best of luck!

Is the OW married? I would be for contacting her H as well. It may take time to convince him of the importance of it, but don't give up. Taking extreme cautions to avoid contact and future A's is a very important step in the R process. The books will tell that to him. It took my FWH a long time to write the 4 NC letters that were finally sent and even longer to feel that they were a necessary end to the evil and devestation. All along I think that he thought he could just keep these women on the back burner. It wasn't until I contacted the last one and told her H and then she filed a police report against my H for stalking her, probably to save face with her H that he finally got it!

Good luck!

Thanks for the advice. I already talked to OW, and it did no good - she's not married so there's no other betrayed spouse to threaten her with.

On the up side - he just confessed to his brother, who then told his parents. They have all called me to express their support, and to let me know that I am part of their family, and they will force him to face up to his mistakes. Obviously they can't save our marriage - he still has to be willing to do that, but maybe he will listen to their logic when he's ignoring mine. Luckily, both his parents are social workers - so they have some experience to draw from.

Still haven't decided what to do about the holidays - his family is here, and mine is thousands of miles away. A very good friend has invited us (me and son) over for the afternoon/evening, so I just need to decide what to do in the morning.

BFB-
I hope you never wind up needing it, but start NOW collecting evidence that he has had the A. Make copies and store them away from home. Consult an attorney.

That homewrecker shows no remorse for the pain she has caused....ask an attorney about recources in your state. At a minimum, I bet the divorce laws and judges' inclinations will heavily favor you if you have been faithful and he continues to commit adultery after you have tried to recover the marriage. Armed with those facts and PROOF, you can confront him with a hard-hitting Plan B threat....get the leverage....and demand the written proof that HE has ended the A.

And let him know trust is out the window...he slips up again and you go nuclear! I did exactly that with my WS...and it was the "intervention" that brought her to reality. Then we could work on rebuilding or marriage, through HONEST talk!

Best of luck!

That is good news. If he told his brother, he at least is being accountable for his actions. Also, it is really great that his parents are in that line of work. They won't let him stay in his fantasy. Continue to gently remind him that this is important to you and to your recovery. (the NC letter)

Do the best you can for Christmas. I know how hard it is to be in this mess during the holidays. Hang in there!