... quick history, married 9 years, been together for 15. Two kids. He had EA/PA for three months which he confessed to 18thNov this year (has it been more than a month already??)

He thinks that if a spouse has an affair then both spouses are to blame for it happening. This sounds like a giant cop-out to me. I feel that I was partly responsible for creating the environment that made it possible BUT I had no part in him having an affair, it was all his doing!

This is making me crazy mad! I am responsible for him stepping over all those lines?!?!?

They tell you that but it is only to make them feel better. I have been told many times by counselors and like that it isn't my fault but I beat myself up and feel it is somehow. I have been told it is a reason but not an excuse. No one made him see other woman he did that all on his own. I just found out after 3 1/2 years of marriage about my husbands 2nd affair in the past 6 months and we went to counseling. It is awful. I found out Decenber 10th and I too feel that why am I feeling this way or being blamed for his affair I am not the one who cheated. MY H family has been treating me lik ecrap since they found out like I did it. I don'tunderstand either. My counselor says that I souldn't dwell on it and try to move on so we can start the healing process but it is very hard. I forgave him and belived in his promises after the first affair and now another right on the heals. I have questioned what did I do? And it makes me very angry. I put my efforts into oour 2 yo son and try to put it in the back of my mind or I would be crazy. I know that it got better with time after the first affair and I found happiness in what we rebuilt over that time. I am not so sure this time I can do it again. For you it may be a mtter of believing in him and putting the blame aside on both parts so you can get help an move on. MErry Christmas.

Dear Much2much,

Is your counselor telling you this also? If so, find a new one because it is outdated thinking. Bad marriages create bad marriages....the ones where you realize that you are in this for better or worse and this might be the "worse" part. It doesn't create cheaters. Nobody HAS to cheat to survive. Okay, there are some situations where I might feel sorry enough for the WS's emotional health within the marriage to at least empathize with them for having an affair, but it would have to be a situation of outright abuse or terrible neglect, not what we usually find here on MB.

Your H needs to take full responsibility for his behavior and until he does, you aren't even truly in recovery. When a person has one affair, you can look at it as a cry for help possibly. When they have another and another, they have GOT to look inside of themselves and say, "What the heck is wrong with me that I keep doing this?" This is a personal problem, not a problem with their partner.

If he admits that there is something wrong with him or his thinking that allowed him to do this, then he would have to face himself completely and that is a painful place to go. That is why is is using you as an excuse. When he's ready to grow up and be a man instead of an adolescent boy, then he'll realize that this is his responsibility alone. He needs to stop trying to FIND the perfect partner and BECOME the perfect partner instead. He needs to stop trying to find out who he is through the eyes of women. He needs to stop trying to find happiness in the perfect woman...she doesn't exist. He needs to find happiness within himself first and then bring that to the marriage to share. Otherwise he'll suck the emotional life right out of you.

It is not your responsibility to make him happy. I really believe that this thought is still in line with Harley's beliefs. Meeting someone's emotional needs, as we should in the marriage is like a precious gift that we give each other. It brings romantic feelings to our lives and it's wonderful. It is not the all and all of who we define ourselves as though. We need to be two happy individuals if we are going to have a happy marriage.

Don't let him do this to you. You are in control here. You can refuse to take responsibility for his behavior verbally. Always take responsibility as an individual for your own behavior, but don't let anyone tell you that you are responsible for their behavior. It simply is not true. You aren't doing them any favors by letting them think that it is true.

Take care and I am truly sorry for your pain. My H blamed his behavior on me for the past 16 years. It wasn't until this last affair that he finally looked in the mirror and said, "I did this and I need to fix it if my wife will let me." That was the turning point for him. He is truly a different man now...no longer a boy, but a grown man. Now that he has gained this perspective, he looks back on our marriage and thinks it was wonderful. He feels terrible for what he has done to his family.

Stillwed

LeeAnn..I'm sorry! It sounds like you are having a tough time of it too.

Posting here and reading the replies from the two of you gave me the courage to confront DH with how I was feeling today.

We were lying in bed cuddling and being gentle and loving towards one another. I said "It is making me crazy mad that you are saying that your affair is my fault as well as yours." He actually apologised! I told him "If I built a wood house and you put a match to it, would it be my fault the house burned? I am partly responsible for making a wooden marriage, but you put the match to it." He said that that made sense and that I was right. Boy that felt good!

I was tempted to crow but tried to remember my long term goals and so told him that I loved him and hugged him hard.

Stillwed, thanks for that long reply. It really helped!

"It is not your responsibility to make him happy. I really believe that this thought is still in line with Harley's beliefs. Meeting someone's emotional needs, as we should in the marriage is like a precious gift that we give each other. It brings romantic feelings to our lives and it's wonderful. It is not the all and all of who we define ourselves as though. We need to be two happy individuals if we are going to have a happy marriage."

This is exactly how I feel! He doesn't, he thinks that if he is unhappy then that is my fault. from what I've read so far, it doesn't seem as if Dr Harley says that though. I believe that if he was unhappy for 5 years like he says then it was his responsibility to sort it out -- seeing his doctor, asking for my help, suggesting marriage counselling etc. I think it is my responsibility and duty to help, be loving, meet needs, supportive etc, but that he needs to tell me if he is unhappy instead of rushing out to find a solution in the arms of another woman.

We haven't talked about this with our counsellor yet. She is away for 2 weeks over the holidays but I will write it down to talk about when we get together next.

Thank you for your help, I truly appreciate it.