Hello,
If anyone is out there, I could use a little advice and some kind words. Tonight I am home alone while my H is out w/ his mistress. I keep thinking about him being with her and what they're doing while I'm home doing laundry & dishes and crying. It's not just the affair and the lies that are bothering me, it that he seeems to hate me now. I don't think I have ever felt so alone and so unloved or unlovable.

He wants a divorce and barely talks to me. What should I say to him when I see him? He won't even let me use the car to get groceries or pick up the drycleaning (we only have one car because we just moved to the suburbs). I'm looking for an apt. because I can't afford the house on my own. I asked my H to move out for a while while I look for a place, but he won't do that.

When I do see him, I'm both angry and heartbroken for what he's done to "us." I loved him so much. I think he will move his mistress into our house when I leave because she still lives at home w/ her parents - and that just breaks my heart even more. I had already chosen which room would be the nursery and I even bought curtains for it. We had agreed that at the end of this year, if he was secure in his job, we would start trying to have a baby and I would quit my job. I even started taking vitamins w/ folic acid and drinking less caffeine. Now someone else will be living in my house, sleeping in my bed and having my H's children, and I am facing a future of being alone and probably never having children.

I really don't know if I will ever feel OK again. There is a lot on this board about healing from an affair when your spouse is sorry and wants to work on the marriage, but how do you heal when your spouse won't even apologize and the marriage is suddenly over? How will I ever heal from the pain and if I do, how will I ever trust anyone again?

I know that obvious advice is to take care of myself and focus on building my life again, but that is so much easier said than done. I'm usually a very goal-oriented, hardworking person, but I just can't get back on my feet again after all that's happened.

Well, I hope someone is out there. Thanks! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hi, I saw your thread today, and I can assure you that YES, you WILL heal. It takes time. You are not a sorry MBer - you are in Plan B and you are handling contact/no contact with him quite well. Handing his handwritten letter back to him unread was excellent on your part.
I've had a sitch where I had to hang up on my then-wife 5 times in a day - told her I was not going to be abused verbally and treated like crap.
Believe me, you will heal and it will take time and you probably will find someone else - someone who will love you and treat you right.
It happened to me. It has happened to lots of folks here on MB.
Just give it time, keep posting, and keep praying! Get into some kind of counseling - even if it's only you. Possibly get some anti-depressant meds for a little while.
Stay strong in Plan B!
It's all about YOU now.
God bless,
Harold

I need some advice...

As you may know from reading my posts, I'm now in Plan B. I didn't really have much time to do Plan A. (My H was holding me & telling me he loved me one morning, and then a few hours later (literally) when I revealed the A he suddenly hated me & wanted a divorce, etc and said he "met someone else" and we're through.)

Here's the situation. The divorce is full-speed ahead and will be final in about 3 months or a little less. We have to meet w/ our attorneys tomorrow morning to start working on the settlement agreement. I have no idea what to do or say when my H is sitting across the table. Any advice?? What should I expect?? How do I handle this meeting? Should I act very distant - or happy - or what? I'm assuming I shouldn't cry (which will be hard!).

My H seems to hate me for revealing the A and he has absolutely no remorse or regret. I really don't understand how it all came to this, and it's so hurts so much to be treated like this. I'm praying, going for counseling, taking anti-depressants, but I just can't pull myself back together. I'm so afraid I'll fall apart at this meeting and look like a pathetic crybaby, or that I'll get angry and look like a shrew (I never get mad at him or yell, but lately I feel so much pain & anger). Anyway, advice anyone?

Thank you!!

CMJ: Thank you for your reply - it did help a little. I did cry reading it because it does hurt so bad. Today is actually my lst day I didn't cry all morning. I have been listening to music and walking outdoors for relaxation. I need to get a job, but can't concentrate long enough. I did tell 3 close friends and found out 2 have gone through what I am now. My husband is beginning to see the widespread devastation from this. I don't know if I ever will trust him again, but I do see a different light in him. I also see the hurt in him.

JLight - I was happy to read the good news on your post because...(1) you're feeling a little better; (2) you have dear friends who will support you and know exactly how you are feeling; and (3) your H is beginning to realize the pain he caused you - I think that's a good sign and there is a lot of hope for you and your marriage. I wish my H still loved me. Please keep me posted on your situation.

To Everyone - Advice Needed: My H just called (he's called 3x today, but I didn't answer). He finally left a message saying that he wanted to talk to me about why he's leaving me/wants a divorce, etc. What should I do? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I don't think I should meet w/ him because (1) it's not part of Plan B; (2) he's still seeing the OW and has no intention of stopping and he wants the divorce to go fast; and (3) I doubt he wants to apologize for anything he's done or said, I think he just wants to justify his actions and/or put the blame on me as usual.

Any advice? Part of me wants to write a short but powerful letter telling him how much he's hurt me (does he even realize??) and how there is no excuse for being so cruel and deciding to have an A - at best he can apologize. Another part of me thinks I should just ignore it and act as though I've had my own realization that maybe I am better off w/o him, but then maybe I'll never understand why he's been so mean and how he can just throw away the marriage so easily without even trying to fix things. (I say my H is mean to me because, in addition to the lies & A, my H makes fun of me all the time, and lately he has become cruel in the things he says, sometimes it is just to the point of being ridiculous, but it still hurts.) He was my husband, my lover and my best friend, and now he acts like my worst enemy. I will never understand and I wish he could understand the pain and the agony he's causing me.

Also, we have to meet w/ the lawyers tomorrow morning (see my post above) - what do I do/say? How do I act? Cheerful? Distant?

Any advice is helpful. Thanks.

any advice?? <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

cmj,

I feel for you sooooooo much, our stories are very similar. My WH, who filed for divorce in November, did much of the same things yours has done, from trying to make it all my fault, to not doing anything around the house, to accusing me of having affairs, etc.

You seem to be slightly ahead of where I am however, in that we haven't gotten to the point of any settlements yet. I'm not sure what is going to happen at your appointment tomorrow, but here is what I would do. When you see him be as polite as possible, don't say anything negative or lash out (distrespectful judgements) and show him the person that you know you can be that he might want to come home to. Even though you're sitting in an attorney's office, it doesn't mean he's really that done. Is your H very stubborn? Mine is. In fact, I have been told that my H may have to get through the divorce and be out on his own for awhile with his OW to realize that he may really want to have his family together and not in fragmented pieces as he is making us right now. It's a long journey and trust me I'm not sure I'm doing all that well at it all the time, but when I get low I post here, talk to friends and not just friends who tell me you're better off without him. I have a few friends who know that I really want my marriage and they try to give me helpful, constructive advice to get there, however, when I just need someone to vent to and not take a side, they're there for that too!

One of the things that really helped me is to have an intermediary. We have children together so I have to constantly have contact with him regarding visits, etc. so I have an intermediary that buffers all my emails from him and sends my responses so that I can't say anything to impede any progress that I may be making. The hard part is that you never really know what's going on, kind of a control thing, and I never thought I was controlling until I had to completely give up knowing anything about him. It was very hard at first, but slowly I started to feel better. Now, it's actually nice NOT to have to deal directly with him and to have that buffer.

Use this time to work on you, develop new hobbies, see old friends or in your case, make new friends. Once you start doing more for yourself you will become stronger and stronger every day.

CMJ, I know this is a very scary time for you, I'm also terrified. When all of this first started I wondered if I could live alone with my children and without my husband. As time goes by, I find that I can. . . .doesn't mean I want to, but the fact that I know that I can brings strength, pride and confidence in myself.

I'm happy to email you directly if you'd like just to have someone else who knows what you're doing through -- my email address is besthope42000@yahoo.com. . . .

Hope

Anyone out there? Thought my H was starting to change and wanted to talk to me. Called me from work and said he would talk tonight. He got home at 5:45, didn't say much, ate, went upstairs and didn't come down for an hour. When I tried to have some sort of conversation, he did the same he did in the past, rolled his eyes, held his head and looked at the ceiling. This is his usual response. And he told the counselor he wanted to change and open up to me. Does that sound like a remorseful H to anyone?

Anyone out there? Forgot to add, the only time he will talk to me is if I don't ask any questions about the A. He is only willing to do things his way. He bought books on infidelity, but would rather watch tv instead. Too bad he is wasting precious time that might save his marriage. Still denies he accepted a phone call from her the day after he was exposed. Tried to call his daughter first to tell her I was crazy. Amazing he has blocked the A and details out, but is lucid any other time! More lies!

JLight - I'm out here and I have some thoughts on your situation...

Your H said he wanted to talk, and that's good, but I think that by the time he comes home the anticipated stress of "the talk" is too much for him so he just avoids it and/or takes everything you do as negative. I think the thing to do is to welcome him in a pleasant way and not push the "talk" issue. Be available, but maybe let him bring it up. I know this doesn't seem fair - he should be running to you and begging for your forgiveness - but I think that in reality you have to be patient and appreciate the "baby steps" without pushing your H to go faster than he is ready to.

JLight - I really, really feel for you. I just want to hug you and everyone on this board who is hurting because of betrayal, and I want to scream at all the adulterers for all the pain they are causing the very people whom they should be protecting from pain. So I'm definitely not taking your H's side, I'm just saying be patient and don't push.

As far as his selective memory - I think he is probably so embarrassed/ashamed about what he's done and so afraid of losing you that he doesn't want to admit the truth. That actually may be a good sign for you - he still cares - although I'm sure it's frustrating because you are SO tired of all the lies. Hang in there and let me know how you're doing.

cmj

CMJ: His selective memory is getting old. He called from work again to say he is sorry. He is good at saying I'm sorry(when I bring it up), but doesn't want to really do what it takes. I had another nightmare of them last night. My home is filled with stuff from when they worked together. I have asked for 3 weeks now to throw everything out. Our old computer is filled with their garbage - I am putting in dumpster today. My D reception is ruined by all the pictures and video of OW. Not 1 of my H and I dancing. We have appointment with counselor tomorrow. Since I am so tired of giving all of me everyday, I may drive to my D's on the weekend, but that is a 15 hr. drive. He keeps asking for more time, but his body language shows different.

Is anyone out there? I could use some support today. Not a good day for me. Every time I feel like I am moving forward in baby steps, I get suckerpunched again. I hate what this is doing and has done to my life! I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Jlight, Just a thought. You seem to be very focused on what your spouse is doing. But, what are you doing to help yourself.

Like you, I am stuck in the mud because my WW will not do much of anything to try and save the marriage. She won't even go to counseling. But, I have seen our assistant pastor many times. His reassurances are worth a lot to my self esteem.

I have focused on myself. I try to be the best husband I can be without demeaning myself. Few if any LB's for the past months. I have also renewed some of my personal interests.

Take care of yourself. Let you foolish spouse stew in his own juices for a while. Why should you pay for his sins? I can't think of a good reason.

Dear CMJ, I'm so very sorried (even as a stranger) that you have to deal with this heartbreak. It's hard enough to work together to try to build a homelife for your future and then get broadsided by your husbands' infidelity. The problem with us women is that we react with ONLY OUR EMOTIONS AT THESE TIMES AND NOT WITH THE BRAIN. The pain will subside in about 10 years....but your financial decisions will not. I know how hurt you are and that you still have to get up every morning and go to work with a happy face. I've been there too and it makes us wonder how many women are braving the same thing.
Take care of YOURSELF!

Auto0009988: Thank you for your input. I am doing something for myself - walk every day, listen to my favorite music, talk to a good friend who has been through this and thank God for my counselor. Unfortunately, I do get sick and tired of H saying he can't remember accepting a phone call from OW the day after I confronted both of them at the end of my daughter's reception. Imagine driving 12 hrs. home knowing H planned to bring OW into our new life again, but continues to deny any plans they had together! The sex had ended, but emotional A continued by email and phone. Even had Xmas planned with OW.

He goes to our counselor, but still only tells her what he wants her to hear. Told me he had not talked to OW since I exposed affair at hotel. Found out last Friday he accepted call from her 1 day after we got home. Have waited patiently for 1 week for him to stop lying. Tried to turn oldest daughter against me, said I was crazy and needed medication, before spoke to OW. This was only 25 days ago. Amazing he can only remember what he wants to.

I have also kept a daily journal, read many books so far on I and A, joined a support group and reached out to supportive family and friends.

This A was with his ex-secretary. Much planning went in to everything. I now understand I was dead to H. Honesty and truth is all I want from him now, being the absent-minded professor is ruining any progress we have made.

I am going to the beach today to think. Maybe this knife will come out of my heart someday. Your response has helped a little - thank you.

Help! Need MB advice on my situation...

First, let me say that my H says he has found my posts and disagrees with some of the things I have written. I have tried to be as accurate as possible in recounting events, and I think my pain over the state of our marriage is understandable. I doubt my H is reading these posts, but if he is, I welcome him to tell his side of the story and to explain why he thinks it's OK to have an affair and why I shouldn't be so upset. (see story below)

Moving on...I need advice as to what to do now. We met with the divorce attorneys for the first time a few days ago. After the meeting, my H called me and we had a long discussion (sometimes heated, sometimes sad & sweet). One of the things he said was that if I could tell him "how" we could work things out, then he would put all his efforts into it. Let me add that when he said this, I think he was really saying that he doesn't think we can work it out. I responded by telling my H that I love him, that I know we can work it all out and that I will give him a "plan" after the weekend.

Two days later, my H called me at work and said that he didn't want to discuss any of our issues or any ways of dealing w/ them until I sign a paper that waives my rights to any of his income so that I would only get my share of the house in the settlement. He said that he wouldn't work on the marriage unless I did that, that I was a terrible person if I tried to "go after" his income, that is was "embezzling" from him, and that I needed to show him "what kind of a person" he married before he would agree to work on anything.

I responded that I told my attorney that I didn't want a divorce, but if it came to that, I just wanted a "fair" settlement. I also told my H that we should focus on fixing the marriage, not worrying about the settlement - it was putting the cart before the horse. I love my H and I would happily give up all the money we both have if that would get him to end his A, recommit to the M, and help me build a beautiful relationship together.

Well, my H persisted to say I was a bad person because of the money, and that got to me, especially since he is the one who says things to hurt me and is having an affair and lied about it. So, I said, first you show ME what kind of a person I married, you stop your A and any contact w/ your mistress and have your attorney send a "no contact" letter to her and then we'll talk. He said he wouldn't do this, that he was glad he had the affair and that he would do it all over again because I didn't meet his needs and that he didn't think I could, that therefore it was excusable to have an A, and he didn't regret it and would just keep on having A's. I know I can meet his needs, but he doesn't want to believe it. He also believes that our marriage and relationship were terrible and that there weren't many good times - I know this is not true - my H is a very smart man and he wouldn't have married me if he really thought the relationship was that bad - it makes no sense - this is all rewriting history.

I know I have often felt like my H didn't give me enough attention or care about me, and he would just ignore my requests for change over and over again, but I never used that as an excuse to have an A or to be cruel.

I cannot believe that this is the same person I married - it's awful and hurts so much that he has absolutely no regard for my feelings. I cannot believe that another human being could be so cruel to someone else, especially his wife. I was completely shocked and I hung up and wouldn't listen to him when he called back.

What should I do or say? I think that our M is completely over and I'm starting to think that the person I fell in love with never really existed or will never return. Help...any advice??

CMJ: How are you? Haven't heard from you - I am here for you if you need me. Today my cell phone bill showed the $ damage from H and OW's last month affair - not pretty! He was even shocked and doesn't know what to say. H called counselor, he needs more than a therapist. I don't know what I will do at this point. Hang in there - you gave me hope in the beginning and I am here for you now.

Help! JLight - anyone - please read my prior post and give me some advice. Thank you!

cmj,

Good Morning sweetie. It's sounding very much to me like you may need to move to Plan B. Please give me some information. How long have you been in Plan A? How good has your Plan A been? Who knows about the affair? Your marriage is not over....but perhaps you may have to move to a higher risk strategy. I am sorry that he is being so cruel...but folks in the fog are ruthless and ugly. Don't even consider signing away your financial rights. Good Luck.

Jlight,

You are doing better than you think....stay in Plan A, continue to confront your H with the evidence of the affair, and feeling statements about how it affects you. But do not fall into the trap of relationship talks. Right now...your H is more than likely in withdrawal...and so expecting the kind of remorse that will eventually heal your marriage is a bit premature. It will come....but he has to get past the symptoms of the fog first. Hang in there.

cmj- Get ready for the long haul. I have been in this for 7 months. H is still telling lies and with OW. Don't sign any financial agreements. It is too early for that. Tell him you don't want a divorce. Work on yourself and do things to help you get back some self-esteem.

Jlight- Hang in there, things do get better, but it takes time. It seems like it goes on and on, but take care of you, and make changes that you can. There is nothing you can do to change H. It took me 7 months to figure that out.

What helps is getting busy - I started exercising, lost tons of weight, painted house, drywalled bathroom, organized, joined support group, worked on spiritual program, detailed car, rearranged furniture, started business, etc. It gave me something to feel good about. Everytime I started thinking about A, I changed thoughts to what color of curtains I should get, or something like that.