I am in a setback right now! My wife and i have been doing really well since d-day(10/28/03). We have been going to a MC and even the MC has said she is most impressed with our progress over the last month we are really starting to connect again. My problem is that I get boiled up on the inside when I think of the OM not even so much as what happened between my w and him but the OM is someone i do not know I know where he works and that is about it. I just want to see him get a look at him. One of my fears right now is that my ww and i are out some night and he is near by and i like an oblivious idiot don't know what is going on. I was kept in the dark through the whole thing and I absolutely do not want that to happen again. The only way I can see from preventing this in front of my face is to know what this guy looks like it is absolutely driving me insane and I feel this is being a real block from any progress in certain areas of my marriage. Besides this our progress has been great. What should I do? I don't want to even talk to the OM I just want to see. I feel like I am fighting a battle and I don't know who the enemy is!!!!

Hello,

A couple of things. If the OM is married his spouse should be informed. Second, your wife owes you if it is important to you to show in some way what the OM looks like by pointing him out to you or showing a picture. I guarantee if the roles were reversed she would demand the same. By the way this should go without saying that both of you should have been checked for STD's. I just had a friend who picked up genital warts from his wife who had a one night stand. This is serious. The bottom line is that your wife should do everything that you feel needs to make you feel better. Was this a long term affair? Does she work with him? Did she send a no contact letter? Has all contact in everyway stopped? I wish you luck.

You are very early in recovery and I would not recommend facing him at this moment. You really can't be sure what your reaction might be. If your wife knows what car he drives then you could get a look at a distance. I strongly suggest that when you do this you take a friend with you in case you suddenly find yourself wanting to punch him out.

Glad to hear you are doing well. Don't be surprised if you have many ups and downs recovering from all of this its quite normal to take two steps forward and one step back. Don't let the bads days scare you.

As for STD's it would be prudent to have her checked first unless you are absolutely sure there was no unprotected sex. And you really shouldn't take her word there wasn't simply because her guilt and shame might make her deny it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by logsec1:
<strong>The only way I can see from preventing this in front of my face is to know what this guy looks like it is absolutely driving me insane and I feel this is being a real block from any progress in certain areas of my marriage. Besides this our progress has been great. What should I do? I don't want to even talk to the OM I just want to see. I feel like I am fighting a battle and I don't know who the enemy is!!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Have you talk to your FWW about this ?. If your purpose is just to see how he looks like, your FWW has to honor that.

Has your FWW open up to your questions about OM or she just brush it off and your MC told you not to go there ?.

-rh-

It is so ironic that the OM should be left alone and not have to face or know the wrath that one feels. After all he is a like a thieve in the night who has taken the most valuable posetion that one has. I have had to face the same situation, but I feel impotent in not being able to let him have it because he has the ability to damage the rights that a brother-in-law has on a business that represents his and his family's livelihood. Yes, I feel blackmailed. But for what is worth, it may be best to stay away and not even know who he is because the temptation would be stronger to confront him. I have been a strong Christian but after going through this experience I question why God would allow something like this to happen to one of His own. So I say to myself, with regard to the OM, if there is a God, justice will be served.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Why me?:
<strong>I have been a strong Christian but after going through this experience I question why God would allow something like this to happen to one of His own. So I say to myself, with regard to the OM, if there is a God, justice will be served. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would answer you as a brother in Christ.

First OM rob your W then rob your dignity ... are you going to let OM rob you out of your faith ? 2x4.

HE has a purpose ... we don't know it yet. We could ask HIM later when we meet HIM or we are too blind to see HIS purpose.

I could tell you mine ... A was 2x4 from GOD.

I was a good soldier of HIS but had gone wayward to serve my W. I lost my personal connection with HIM and personal conviction to HIM. HE knew that the only way to bring me back is hit me w/ 2x4 of A. It crushed me; It humbled me. Now here I am ... blessed with restoration of personal connection again that I never felt before w/ HIM. I am armed with MB knowledge to help others in need and be able to see what HE meant by "one flesh" ... a fulfilling union in M w/ no wall in between. I know HE has someone already for me that would be part of my life. I don't know who but I know HE has her name & address <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . HE wants me to be back as one of HIS own, exclusively and HE wants me to have fulfilling M & a very happy M.

Why are you so arrogant to judge HIM ?. There are times when Prophets & Kings cries and ask fairness to HIM ... however those Prophets and Kings have clean and every right to stand before HIM. King David, Moses, Job to name a few.

Have you fullfill all your wife ENs before the A occurs ? ... did you follow HIS command ... HUSBAND FULFILLS YOUR WIFE EMOTIONAL NEEDS !!!, it is written. did you follow HIS command as a promise keeper of the covenant of your M ?

If you did ... you could act righteously seek ammends directly from HIM ... HE WILL REVENGED IT FOR YOU in God speed. When that happens OM would be so sorry that he is ever born.

In my case, OM lives w/ my exW in the house that paid for with my sweat. However I said revenge is not mine and actually I pity OM b/c he is blinded with A. He broke his own M, hurt not only his exW but also 2 kids. For what ? ... He lived misereably ... their R is abusive R and my exW nags and nags and nags. Looking back the past 5 years w/ my W ... I would not want that at all!. I could see how this would end up ... sooner or later my exW would dump him. His kids don't want nothing to do with him, his exW will be w/ someone else better ... he will be filing bankruptcy (he tries to compete with financial security that I once provided to my xW ... good luck), when he died ... he will die alone. OM is punished right now ... seeing his family broken down and moving to a better life w/o him ... and living w/ my exW. He has to report to my exW on everything ... living like a prisoner ... where is happy R ?.

In short ... yes, GOD allows this to happen even to one of HIS children for a purpose. You could ask HIM when you pray to HIM and ask for a wisdom to see it.

God Blesses you brother. -rh-

I'm not going to lie. If and when I find the OM, I will probably end up going to jail. I have never been able to fully deal with what happened and he is my mental scapegoat. I know that my anger is not productive, but I want to inflict as much pain and distress on the OM as I was made to endure.

logsec1

Evaluate who you are first logsec, really. I can tell you this, it's been 12yrs since my Dday and I would STILL beat OM to within an inch of his life should I ever run into him. Chances are I'll never see him again, I hope not for his sake.

M.

Log,

I know I would have to put a face on the OP too. Fortunately (I guess!) I knew who the OW was.

Early after d-day I knew it wouldn't be safe for me to be in the presence of the OW because I knew I couldn't trust me to represent who I TRULY am.

Fortunately I didn't run into her. I did however drive past her house on a couple of occasions, but I was able to practice self-control and not act-out.

I don't recommend this for everyone, but what gave me peace was sending her a letter. NC was recommended by all for both FWH and me, however OW kept contacting my husband repeatedly. The last time was the final straw when she surprised him in person. So I sent her whopping scathing letter. It was so freeing for me & we haven't heard from her since.

Hopefully with time you will feel less of a need to contact your OM. Time is better spent putting your marriage back together and living well. That to me is the ultimate revenge. After all - you've won... you have your wife! CSue

it seems that i periodically post this or a message like it with great frequency so here goes, ONCE GAIN!

i truly do not understand the over riding anger folks seem to feel toward the other person, man or woman, taking part in these nasty affairs.

while we can all agree that they they are truly beneath contempt...why is it that all to often the anger we feel is reserved and diredted soley toward that them?

let's understand something....it would be a very rear case indeed in which our cheating spouse was foced to do what they did by the other person. nobody put a gun to anybodies after all. more over, it wasn't the other person in these relationships that did the cheating! they never promised us anything...to be honest, loving and faithful. they never told us that they were our best friend and mate for life...they just saw an opportunity and took it!

please, if placing blaim is that important that at least place it where it belongs...at the feet of the spouse who did the cheating. better yet, leran to let it go! no ones best interst is served by seeking out either the ON or OW for retribution.

coach

Well said coach and I would just like to add that it wasn't the OP that had sex with the BS and gave him/her an STD.

Keeping alive the anger and resentment by transferring them over to the OP does nothing but chain the BS to the past and transform him/her into a bitter and hateful person that will eventually destroy his/her life and those who love him/her.

TMCM,

Hate like this is like drinking 2 much coffee and wish that OP will stay awake ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-rh-

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by redhat:

TMCM,

Hate is like drinking 2 much coffee and wish that OP will stay awake ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

-rh- </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Or wishing the OP's bladder becomes over active and forces him/her to go to the bathroom every 15 minutes <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> .

The problem as I see it is that in our society affairs are glamorized or joked about by those who have not been victimized. There are no laws or penalties for the WS or the OP. In other times, the family honor was sacred and in other cultures to defend one's honor is considered in the same light as personal defense. How fair can it be when someone who is the victim of infidelity goes to jail for defending what is his or hers? It is totally absurd and morality is down the drain. People are afraid to call a sin like it is for fear of being "politically incorrect".

He wasn't exactly a thief. Your wife GAVE it to him. You should inform his wife, however, if he is married. And, you have every right to know what he looks like, but it is best if you arrange your lives so that NEITHER of you ever runs into him.

It may not be a good idea to know what he looks like right now. D-day was 2 months ago and after I found out I started snooping and found out what he looked like, where he works, what he drives, and where he lives. I do want to beat his a$$, but I know it woulnd't help matters at all, but I often find myself waiting to run into him at the store or gas station or somewhere else. I probably woulnd't if I didn't know what he looks like. You do have the right to know, but make sure you can control yourself if you do see him out. Just my opinion.

well it finally happened. A buddy of mine picked me up and we went to shoot some pool at a local bar. when i walked in there was a guy sitting there that gave me the strangest look when i walked in. my friend and i got a pitcher of beer and started playing some pool I kept my eye on this fella as he seemed really nervous right then a friend of my w came into the bar and sat with him and as soon as she sat down I saw him point at me when my w friend looked over his face about dropped the om put his coat on and left to another section of the bar. I went over and asked my w friend what was up and we got to talking then I asked him what the fella's name was that just left and he told me that it was the om. I asked him why he took of in such a hurry and he said that he was scarred at what i might do to him if I found out it was him. It is amazing what a coward these people are they can mess with your life behind your back and not feel a thing but as soon as they have to deal with the repercussions of what they have done they go running like the dog's they are with their tail between their legs! I felt really good seing this guy realizing that he wasn't 7ft tall with a harvard degree and a tom cruise smile. But most of all it made me feel good to know this guy fears me more than Fear him. Although i doubt I will ever do anything to this guy it does bother me that my w and I are dealing with this everyday and it is so hard. I think about it every single day sometimes every single hour I still wake up in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes and my w has to deal with her demons and we fight everyday knowing that this may not work out at all. And this SOB can just get away with it. he walks away smelling like roses i'm sure in my w mind he will always be prince charming the man who came to her rescue when everthing in her life seemed to be so terrible "in her mind". Unfortunantly this om is not married(wonder why!)otherwise i would definantly contact his spouse. I just wish there was some sort of retribution towards this guy. I know I will never lay a hand on this guy as good as it would feel so incredibly good to pummel him but i do not want my wife to feel anything for this guy especially sympathy for me putting him in the hospital. ahh but anyway to get off my soapbox I just needed to rant a little as lord knows my wife really isn't any good to talk to about this sort of thing.