I couldn't sleep tonight - so I wrote down all my thoughts on why H's A has occurred.

I wrote about his anxiety and stress over the years as he's become more responsible and adult, his (self diagnosed) obsessiveness, his tendency in the past to completely convince himself of things that were not true (due to this obsessiveness), how I thought his current thoughts that he hasn't felt romantic with me or been happy in our relationship for years are part of this obsessive self-deceiving tendency, and about how his current feelings for OW are mostly based on the excitement of deception and danger that an A brings.

Now I don't know what to do with this letter (it's about 6 pages long - about half about my role and responsibility for our marriage not being "perfect", and about how I still do love and respect him) and expresses all the self-examination I've been doing over the past week and 1/2 since D-Day.

We're going to our 2nd MC on Monday - but the first session was a mixed bag - H saying the A wasn't over and he felt like heading toward separation, but also H agreeing to continue MC saying he would truly and honestly work on putting the marriage back together.

Now - my dilema. What do I do with the letter I've written? Should I keep it hidden and just try to hint at the things I feel in MC in the hopes that the counselor or H will then examine them further? Do I let the MC go as the counselor plans and pretend I don't have these deep feelings about why the A happened? Do I show H the letter (I think this probably isn't good right now)? Should I show the letter to the counselor and see what he thinks? Please help!!!!

If the counselor is good, I would go with their plan. Do you knowhow to tell the difference between a good and bad counselor? If not, click on the link in my signature line and read the links under point #2.

From the way you describe your letter, it is full of disrespectful judgements. So, no, do not share it with him. You can share it with the counselor, ALONE, if you wish. To learn more about disrespectful judgements read: Disrespectful Judgments. However, to really understand why you should avoid them, you should really read through ALL of the Basic Concepts, if you haven't already.

Thank you, my instincts told me I shouldn't give it to H. You're absolutely right - just because H is the one who diagnosed himself as obsessive - that doesn't mean I have the right to apply it to this situation.

I think I'm hoping that it's his obsessive over-analyzation that's caused his affair. Because then I can keep believing that he really does love me more than her deep down inside.

I hope our counselor's good - it's so hard to tell, even though I have read about how to pick a good one, etc. you never really know, do you?

Maybe I'll send the letter to my sister. She's helping me get through this (albeit long distance) and she would understand my need to vent my frustration and analyze the situation (I'll an extraordinarily analytical personality type).