I am new here and trying to understand what has been happening, so pardon if this doesn't all run well together.....
I have been reading posts for a few days now trying to find something similar to help me out.
In short...I found my H looking at some websites of the adult nature and FLEW, not jumped, of the edge! I was enraged and utterly sick to my stomach at the thought of him looking elsewhere. Confronted him and told him it made me feel totally undesireable, inadequet, that something was wrong with me, our sexlife, our marriage and anything else that came to mind. That was VERY well recieved. He said he didn't think there was anything wrong with looking, had no idea I felt this way and said he was sorry. He told me he would stop.... I didn't believe him and became obsessed with tracking his every move on the computer. I happened to come across some IM logs.. There was girl, I knew about her, they had been trading police patches over the internet for a while...(years)I never thought anything of it. I had even seen this log before but this time I read it...all the way through... Printed it out....Highlighted it....and messaged her... Chatted with her to find what I was missing in the message because it was one that didn't go very far but was obviously not the first or only of this kind. She filled in the gaps and when my H came home I started....... He lied, said it was just a joke.. Then it was just flirting, then she was making it up. I asked TONS of questions.... Had answers that were I knew were lies, and some that I think were the truth. Well after two days of testing out our new guest room, I told him I can't share our bed feeling so sure that there is more. He finally confessed to what I had thought.....OW was not much younger than I and again it was to him, pictures that didn't mean anything. I have been referring to this as an A, to which he disagrees. Most likely because it makes him all the more in the bad. This is someone he has spoken to on more than one occasion about LOTS more than sex, and then I find out that not only was she sending him pics, but she was using her webcam. This was doing more for him than just the websites but he doesn't see it any differently....Should I? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Meesa- Welcome to MarriageBuilders. Sorry you are here, but it is the best place to come. Sounds like your H is having a cyber affair. CNN had a special on infidelity last weekend and said that in the future more and more of these kinds of affairs will happen.

Your H is typical in that he lies to try to cover up the extent of it, denies it is serious, and probably does not realize how harmful it is to your marriage.

Keep reading here about policy of joint agreement (POJA). That is the concept that if both parties in a marriage don't agree to something, it doesn't happen.

Even though you have flown off the edge, now is the time to read everything on this site, and work to make your marriage better than it was before. Finding out is very hard on your self esteem, so you need to take care of yourself and realize that this is not about you. It is because your H has become addicted to on-line porn/relationships. Keep reading and posting here and you will get lots of support and advice.

After I posted my message I felt I had left out some details..Mostly because I am hurting so much it doesn't matter hoe long ago this was... It had started somewhere within a few months of our wedding and was I guess off and on for a while, he says, I donno. The message I found to start all this was dated 11/02 however like I said before implied there were others before. Yes he lied! He said he was affraid of what would happen to us as he does love me and want me and want our relationship. He was asshamed of what he did, wanted to cover his own A**. I understand those feelings. That is anybodys first reacontion to being confronted about something, especially this. There was also an incident before this. ( idon't know the time line since I just found these logs) In 7/02 we were having a pool party at our house, a friend of his was staying with us because between places. In 10/02 just before our anniversary I found out that a friend of mine who hadn't spoken to me since said party was very upset about something that happened. While she was in our bathroom changing, she noticed a red light from the closet.....I thought the his frined had set up our camera in the bathroom to find out that it was my husband who was on the tape setting it up. She took the tape and has never spoken to me since. I found out the night before he was coming home from a bussiness trip. The friend was still staying with us and I think had over heard my conversation about all this becuase by the time I got home from work the next day, he was GONE! When I picked my H up from work after the trip I was so steamed that I couldn't drive home without bringing it up. Again he lied saying he would never do that, it was sick, etc, etc,. I told him it was his face on the tape. His story changed, said his friend thought it up and he had been drinking (we're not big drinkers) and wasn't thinking. I asked him to leave before we ever got home. He refused to go to any of his families and slept in his car. I was mad for a long time. I forgave, and tried to move on. I'd much rather make love than war. At times it would be hard for me to focus on us when the thought of this would pop into my head. I did my best to make it go away but it never really did. I KNOW I never dealt with it the right way and thats why it has bothered me ever since. Once the websites and logs came up, everything came up and it was back to what had happened last year. The logs I found are from 10/02 and 11/02, while we were trying to recover from the camera incident. I don't want to make the same mistake of not dealing with it and having it hurt my silently from now on. Thats when I found MB.
I have never believed in divorce for me, to be honest the pain of being without the only person I have ever wanted is FAR FAR gratter than the pain I am in now. As hard as it is to imagine. I love my H with all my heart, I guess thats why this shocked me so much. Ever since we started dating, even before (knew him for years) I never had any interest in looking at or being with anyone other than him. I guess thats why this has been so devastating. He is trying to assure me that he is willing to anything to fix this, for me to trust him again. I want that more than anything as well, I just don't know how to get it. I am haunted by what I read, what I know from before and it's like it all has just happened for the first time.
Thanks for your help! ANy thought or suggestions are welcome!!

In the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass....she has this to say:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can have an affair without having sex. Sometimes the greatest betrayals happen without touching. Infidelity is any emotional or sexual intimacy that violates trust.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your husband crossed way over this line by my estimation.

From WFLOWER's Husband:

Meesa,
Here at MB, you will find a lot of emotional support for helping you have a place to vent your frustrations over a seemingly hopeless situation. I admire your faith and honor to your marriage, given the atrocities that your husband has committed against it.

Some strong advice: Read carefully in Dr. Harley's concepts here about addictions. You can work as hard as humanly possible trying to make everything wholesome again in your marriage, but unfortunately, it will likely be to no avail, until your husband completely understands and accepts his sexual addiction. Only then can you move forward and he can begin Independant Counceling (IC). It is likely a long road ahead for you both, but you seem to have the right spirit and devotion to see it through - where many other wives wouldn't or couldn't.

Best wishes to you Meesa, you seem like a nice person.