Hi

I found this page doing a google search. Never in my life did I figure I would becoming to a webpage like this.
I am not going to go into too many details but 2 nights ago my wife and I had a serious talk about the direction our marriage was headed in. She blamed herself for most of our problems and said that she didnt have feelings for anyone anymore, even her parents. The next night I met her at the bar and grill she works at with our 3 year old son and a married couple that is firends of ours. SHe got off work had a great time and we went home. Earlier in the day I had installed monitoring software on our laptop as I was scared and hervous she was cheating, although she denied. I went to bed and she stayed up for a couple of hours. After she came to bed I checked the laptop. She was shown bascially having cyber sex with a young military guy ( we live near a base) I got sick to my stomach and couldnt read anymore. I confronted her immediatly about it. In a nutshell she stated they never really had sex she was just experimenting and it was meaningless, she looked me in the eye and told me she wasnt cheating andv vowed to go to a counsiler. The next day when I got my courage up, I reviewed the rest of the laptop screen captures. It broke my heart and it does typing this now but she did have an affair. I went to meet her at work but missed her and she didnt want to see me as she said she needed time to figure stuff out. I confronted her about the evidence and she gave in and said she had lied to me even after trying to make up that night and that she had sex with the guy once. I am confused distraught and pretty much a mess. She has insisted she is going to counseling. IS IT WORTH IT? I doubt I will ever be able to trust her again. What should I do? anybody out there help me out.

Welcome to the forum. Unfortunately, you will find many folks here in similar struggles. You will also find folks like me who have successfully rebuilt our marriages after infidelity and re-established trust. Please go out TODAY and find a book called "Surviving an Affair" it will put this in perspective for you and help you understand the concepts you will need to help reach recovery. Keep posting....and know you are not alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

LW while BOTH of you are responsible for the state of the marriage, your W is 100% for chosing to have an affair.

MC(marriage counseling) will not work if your W is still involved with the OM(other man, i.e. her lover). If she truly wants to save and rebuild the marriage then she MUST end the affair and write a NC(no contact) letter to the OM. If the OM is married, then his W should be informed about his affair with your W so she can decide if she wants to save her marriage or not. If she is reluctant to do any of the above, then your marriage has no chance of surviving.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Thanks for the replies guys
I currently am a civilian working for the government. We live on Okinawa island. The man she had an affair with is a young marine stationed here. I have lots of evidence that they had an affair. I plan on turning my laptop into the air force police and they in turn will turn it over to the marine corps police. The penalties for having an adulterous affair when your an active duty military member are pretty severe. My wife is pleading with me not to ruin this young mans life. I told her he has ruined mine and turn about is fair play. She says she used him and lied to him about being married and he was some sort of victim in this? I asked her is she could tell me with 100% accuracy whether she knew he was married. Of course she didnt know. Also, unless he is an incredible idiot, he HAD to have known she was married. My wife definatly does not look like she is in the military so how is she even going to get access to the military base? She is my dependent and he HAD to have known she was a dependent of someone in or working for the military. I told her he is probably doing this to his spouse and she needs to know. She had never thought of it that way just thinking this was going to be some "simple one night stand" God knows there is never such a thing. She I obey her wishes and not turn the computer in or should I knowing darn well he knew what he was doing and if he could be married??
Today I am going to search the on base BX for that book you talked about but my hopes are not high of it being there. I will have to order it off amazon and wait for 3 weeks for it to get here. Hopefully my marriage can last that long. In the mean time she is going to start off counseling then I will join her.
Sorry about the last post I looked like some babbling bad spelling teenager. I was pretty distraught.

Hello,

My opinion is that you should indeed turn him in.
First, he was married and cheated on his wife. He could have cared less about you and putting your health at risk.
Second, he is in the military and knew what the consequences would be if he dishonored himself.
Third, he even lied to your wife about being married.
Fourthly, These are the consequences that your wife has to live with.
There are consequences to his actions that caused him to be in this situation and there are consequences to the behavior of your wife. No consequences to their actions equals no motivation for them to change.
I think you are doing the right thing. In addition, maybe this will make your wife contemplate the consequences of her betrayal to you.
I wish you luck.

I'm sorry Bryan if I implied I KNEW he was married. I do not know if he is or not. What I meant to say was that, even though she told him that she was single, I am sure he knew that she was NOT single. Meaning he knew that he was having sex with a married woman. They way I know this is that she is on a military base. She is obviously not in the military. There is no way some american civilian right off the street is going to get access to be inside a military base in Japan. He had to know she was a dependent of someone. She, obviously, never thought of any of this. Very naive on her part, but hey the whole affair was. Also, he may be married and lied to her just like she lied to him. They met at a hotel. If he was single why didnt he just bring her back to his apartment or dorm room on base? Again, I asked her and she didnt have an answer to this as she never thought it through-obviously....It upsets me that she thought I was that naive to not catch her and in one of her chats with the guy she even said I was suspicious and laughed about it. Within a week I had caught her. Obviously, I didn't just fall off the turnip truck which I think she is just learning.
Also-further questions- I want to get this out in the open so it is easier to talk about. Meaning, I want to let immediate family-ie her parents, maybe my parents-know about it. I don't want this to be something that is hidden from our closest family members as I think they can help us cope. She does not as she is obviously very embarrased. Should we tell them or not?

<small>[ December 27, 2003, 11:34 PM: Message edited by: LW1973 ]</small>

Hello,

This is a difficult question to answer. Some believe it is important to let everyone know what is happening when the affair is continuing.On the other hand this is not the case here. On the other other hand, maybe this will make her think twice in the future.
I can see how you would be even more angry that she laughed about your suspicions. I assume that she did not use protection so it is absolutely essential that you both get checked for STD's as soon as possible.
I have to ask you from what you have written is your wife truly remorseful or simply sorry that she got caught by you? Did you ask her what she was thinking and if she cared at all about the consequences to your marriage? Ask her what she would be thinking if you did to her what she did to you? You imply that she is just so naive. Actually her behavior seems to indicate she knew exactly what she was doing and had so little respect for you that she laughed to her lover that you were suspicious but she was too smart for you to be caught. It really sounds like she knew exactly what she was doing. Please get checked and get into counseling at once to understand why she was willing to hurt and betray you this way? Why does she wish to be married to you and what does she feel the consequences of her behavior should be? Does she realize the depth of the pain she has inflicted on you?
There is just something about the way you describe her behavior as being so naive that just does not add up. I wish you luck and do hope you turn him in. It is interesting how your wife does not want to hurt him or his career. It sounds like she is putting him ahead of you. It just does not sound right to me. Are you sure this was the only time this has happened?

Bryan
Thanks for the advice and help. Also, I am not trying to get defensive, but I never said she had unsafe sex. Even though my trust is at an all time low, I know my wife well enough to know that she would not have unsafe sex with a guy she doesnt even know.
She is still adamant, almost to the point of refusing counseling, that I not turn the guy into the police. She said it is because she does not want to live with the fact that she has ruined someone else's career or life. I told her that, at this point, he has ruined my life and he may be married. She then said why would you want to ruin there marriage by turning him in. I didnt have a good response to this one other than his wife, IF he is married, would need to know. She views that I am doing this to punish her and cause her more pain and suffering and is upset with me about it. I told her I am going to the police. HOWEVER, If I cannot get a guarantee from the police that she would not be subpeoned to testify against the guy or write a statement that I will not pursue it any further as far as turning him in. She has stated she doesnt even know the guy so obviously the protection out of love for the guy aspect I dont think is an issue. I think she just doesnt want any more guilt to burden.
I really want to hear some others chime in on the family issue-Should we tell her family? yes or no?

Good Morning,

I hope you are doing better. I will make this my last post so others can provide you with other advise but I feel I must suggest strongly that you both get checked. You said you know your wife well enough to know that she would not have unprotected sex. Would you have said last week that you know your wife well enough to know that she would never allow herself to have a one night stand? Would you have said last week that you know your wife well enough to know that she would never say on the phone that she knew you were suspicious about her with this OM but laugh about it figuring you would not find out? I think the fact that you wife got caught by you having a one night stand indicates that you do not know your wife as well enough as you think. By the way there are so many ways to catch STD's but I will not go into it. I think it is essential for the both of you to be checked. It is just common sense. All right I will butt out and hope other will provide you with addition advise. Good Luck.

Listen to Brian. He has some strong advice. As far as turning him in... DO IT. He endangered your physical and mental health, man. I bet there isnt an hour of the day that you dont think about what happened. As far as telling immediate family, yes. I did. It will give her a whole new out look on what she did. The reason for this is that she will realise that she cant just sweep it under the rug and hide it. From your story it sounds like that is what she is trying to do. Also I hope you took some advice from toomuchcoffeeman and started to do just that. I also feel this works also and its just two words...MARRIAGE COUNSELING.

I, too, would suggest telling, ESPECIALLY if he is married. You would want to know if you were in his wife's position, wouldn't you? As for her ruining his life - er... she didn't hold him down and force him, did she? You might ask her why she is so much more concerned about his life than about yours - or about your marriage. But, unfortunately, her behavior is tyical of WS's after they are caught. As for unsafe sex - don't bet too much that she didn't. People frequently do things that would otherwise seem out of character when they are having affairs. Also, condoms are not 100% effective against ANY STD, and are 100% ineffective against Herpes and HPV, anyway - so get tested. So, after all that bad news, some good: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your situation is harder, but your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good. But, whether your spouse is "on board" or not, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I agree with BryanP's comments about getting tested for STD's. Remember that when you have two people lusting for each other, all precautions they normally would observe get thrown to the wind. Don't make the mistake of trusting her word on this issue when she has shown she has lied about her activities.

Another point to bring to your W is the very likely possibility that the OM might be having sex with other married women besides her. Why? because he obviously did not have any aversion to having sex with her and thus would not have one with other married women as well. She's most probably another notch in the OM's belt of sexual conquest of women.

As far as telling her family and yours about her affair, I would caution you do it only IF she is still having contact with the OM with no intention of ending her affair with him. It is not good to inform close family and friends if she has ended all contact with the OM and is committed to being accountable to you for all her actions and whereabouts. Friends and close relatives can either help or harm marital recovery, so its wise to first assess the situation before proceeding with disclosure of the affair to them.

Do turn the laptop over to the air force police ASAP but until that happens make sure you hide the laptop where your W won't find it otherwise the temptation will be great for her to either hide it herself or destroy it to prevent you from exposing the affair to the military police. If you haven't done so, do it now.

Your wife should have thought of the consequences when she decided to commit adultery with this OM. She didn't care about hurting you or endangering your health. It is unbelievable that she now worried about hurting the OM's career. My guess is that she is more worried about the truth coming out and showing that she is still lying to you. The OM knew the consequences when he had an affair and still went ahead. He did not behave with honour and therefore deserves to be disciplined by his peers. His wife deserves the respect of knowing the kind of person she is married to and be given the choice of staying or leaving the marriage.

LW,

Just another vote to turn him in, and have her get tested. You see 2+2 are not making 4 here. IF he is a single marine, then there is no telling where and with whom he has been. Further, using a condom does help, but condom's are not 100% effective at preventing birth's so how effective do you really think they are for virial diseases?? Not very because a sperm is much much larger and getting pregnant requires timing as well as everything else.

Soooo, you need to get checked and she needs to get checked.

If the guy is married then it is worse as he may have exposed his W as well. And she needs to know for her safety.

In my mind whether he is married or not, is irrelevant to turning him in. He needs to be turned in and your W needs to testify if that is what is required. There is a reason that the military has these rules/laws and it is to maintain the "good order and functioning" of the unit. If every man is out screwing some other man's W, when he is gone or in combat, most will not join, especially in a volunteer military of today. Plus, we are talking about men and women with access to arms and the ability to use them.

This man needs to at the least have his chain jerked, if not booted out of the military. He knew the rules and he has been advised repeatedly of them. If you do nothing else perhaps some other man or woman won't make the same mistake.

Turn him in and if he is prosecuted make sure your W testifies.

As for telling everyone else, do that only if she continues the A. That would be my advice, so you have yet another vote on that as well.

I wish you the best, and I think you are on the right track.

God Bless,

JL

I agree with all other comments here about holding them both accountable. To do nothing will be to encourage further promicuous behavior. If this costs him his career then so be it, if it costs her shame and guilt then so be it. Please, please get both of you to a doctor ASAP and get tested. Her willingness to get counseling is great, but any counselor worth their salt will insist she be accountable and honest. I am praying for you!

I also agree that disclosure is the best recourse. He should have known better. During an affair there are numerous lies and actions that are incongruent with the person you thought you knew. You should consider STDs a possibility. Whether you tell family member or not, it is a tough call. My question here is whether they are going to get hurt as well knowing this. Your wife should also be held accountable and should be totally honest.

Just a follow up for everyone.
My wife emailed the OM and told him it was over and she was never going to see him again. She told him about me and that she was seeking counciling to save our marriage. He emailed back and said that if he had known she was married it never would have happened. Of course at the time I did not believe it. I then emailed the guy- which I probably should not have but it worked out for the best actually. I asked him why I should not turn him in and ruin his life since he ruined mine. I got back the reply I expected, bascially pleading with me that my wife lied and he never would have done it etc etc. On monday I got an email from him that actually, ALMOST made me feel sorry for the guy- he turned himself in. He is a marine and I told him in the email earlier that he should be ashamed to be called a marine and he was a disgrace to his fellow marines and had no honor or integrity. I imagine that cut pretty deep. He said that he will "take his medicine" of whatever punishment his commanding officer gives him. He said he could not live with the fact knowing he might have ruined our marriage as he is divorced and has a 4 year old son back in the states.
My wife called her parents on the phone and told them as well. It pretty much broke there hearts. I don't know if they will ever be the same but I don't think any of us will. It gave me hope that she had the guts to do that as I am sure that was very embarassing for her.
She had her first day of counciling yesterday and from what she told me the guy said, it went fairly well. I was a little worried about getting a sub-par counciler since we have to depend on the military chaplains but actually they give them a lot of training in marriage counciling as the divorce rate is farily high amongst military members. I kind of "graded" him using some of the stuff found on the website here and the guide to find a good counciler and I think he will do quite well for us.
She is also going to get tested for STDs. Even though my wife I and I have not had sex for a few weeks, since before the encounter, I will probably get tested as well.
Anyways, I will stop back in next week after we start couples counciling and let everyone know how that is going.

Hello LW 1973

I see these things as hughly positive. Your wife has taken responsibility for her actions and is showing remorse. You both are being tested and now she is undergoing counseling. I do not think that you could have asked for anything more. I think these are really positive developments.
I wish you success.

I agree with those who say "turn him in" because he KNEW what was going on; amazing how "uninformed" they suddenly become. He knew and he knew the consequences. I say it's not revenge......but justice.

Best of luck with dealing with everything; I will add you to my prayer list.

Best Wishes.....

That was a great update but I don't trust the OM when he told you that he was turning himself in because it could be a deception on his part to get you to beleive him and not press charges against him with the military police. Turning him in has nothing to do with revenge and everything to do with neutralizing a sexual predator to other military men's wives.