how do I deal with feelings of loss? It's as if I have died. I know that my emotional neglect of my wife caused her to look elsewhere, but I can't get the images of the two of them together out of my head. I worked so hard to uncover the truth, now I am not sure it is over and she is being honest with me. The only thing keeping me in this marriage is her love for me. Now I am not sure her love is mine alone. I feel as if my need for her love and extra affection will drive her away, she is almost annoyed with the fact that I still struggle with this. It has only been a month since her confession to me, yet she wants me over it. I can't recover that fast. I feel as if what I need from her (love and affection at an almost impossible level) is unrealistic, yet I don't know if I can go on without it. I feel like it would be best if I just dissapeared into oblivion. I know it has been hard on her, but I feel as if I am the one trying to hold it together and she is just wishing my feelings would go away. I don't know wat to do, it feels hopeless. Someone please offer some advise.

I am sorry to say this, but those feelings do not go away easily. You better get ready for the roller coaster ride. The one suggestion I may offer is to stay busy, do not talk about it and hold your thoughts about the A to yourself. You need to find MC to help you both deal with how to repair your marriage and what caused it.

IT normally takes 18 months to two years to recover. Your wife is not living in the real world to expect you to recover in a month. However, recovery IS possible. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your situation is harder, but your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good. But, whether your spouse is "on board" or not, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How do I deal with feelings of loss? It's as if I have died. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It is like dying. The relationship as you knew it is dead, but a new one can reform. You just have to get to the point of realizing things will never be like they used to. It may be different, but it CAN be better.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can't get the images of the two of them together out of my head </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That takes time and healing. You may still be holding onto that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am not sure it is over and she is being honest with me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You have to rebuild your foundation of trust.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The only thing keeping me in this marriage is her love for me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Make sure you are staying in the relationship for the right reasons.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It has only been a month since her confession to me, yet she wants me over it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It would be nice and dandy to just wake up one day and realize everything was ok. We all have our own time frames for healing from something like this. And it's not fair for the WS to tell YOU when you SHOULD be over THEIR A. She probably doesn't realize how deeply she has wounded you.

DB,
Get a MC immediately. My W had the same feelings as yours because the PA was almost 2 years ago. I had consistently told her that I had just found out on DDay2 of the PA and it would take awhile conversely she consistently told me to "get over it so we can move forward" When we expressed our individual feelings at the first MC session, the MC looked at my W and in so many words said," you're kidding right?!"

good luck,
cwmac

Simply put... Unless a WS has experienced the wound they inflict, they will ~never~ understand what that kind of pain is. I've always found it ludicrous that a WS would expect a BS to "get over it" quickly.

M.

The sooner the WS sees "no pain" from you, the sooner she feels less guilt. She's being unrealistic because SHE wants to forget all about this. And, people on here are right, no one can know how this feels unless they are in your shoes. You take your time. She should understand, and if she doesn't then oh well.

How do I get her to understand? I feel like the more pain I show the farther it drives us apart. I want to begin healing. She shows a sign once in a great while of trying to understand my pain then reverts to wanting it all to go away. I wish she could feel the pain so she could understand. I want to save my marriage, close the gap between us, but I get the feeling that when I show pain she withdraws from me either due to shame or she is avoiding the reality of the situation.

I know of a marriage counselor who looked the WS in the eye when they expressed the expectation that their spouse "just get over it" and said: "You're kidding, right?". Most are not so blunt, but that is reality. It would be useful for you to know exactly WHY "she wants you to "get over it". Shame? Guilt? Doesn't care that she hurt you? To a certain extent it doesn't matter, because it takes as long as it takes. Her telling you to "get over it" just makes it take longer.

Dear db

You are at he beginning of recovery and so is she. It sounds as though you had to do some PI work of your own to confirm what you already suspected. I would take her confession to you is a positive sign. Progress will be slow and painful for the most part. Neither of you can "recover that fast". Additionaly her love is not yours alone. That doesn't mean that she can't or doesn't love you now. He met some very important needs with in her and it will be very difficult for her to overcome that loss in her life. She may not be aware of how great the loss is at this time. This is where a good paln A is so very important.

Remember your vow of "in sickness and health?" She is very sick right now over the loss of him and the devastation to you and your marriage. It would make her work and your work so much easier if you both could just "get over it". But I do not see how that is possible. It will take more work than you can imagine. Think of your relationship as a very badliy damaged automobile. It needs extensive body work and its inner workings are in poor condition as well. It will take a long time to restore it but it can run and look like new again but only with great effort and expense. We have no relationsip insurance. The only way to maintain it is with great care and attention to detail both inside and out. An A can be avoided if we are viglent to the needs of our marriage. we can't just keep washing and axing it without changinging the oil and the spark plugs on a regular basis.

You said you neglected her emotionaly thats the spak plug of yor relationship that's where the "fire" is. In one form or another we all miss the mark when it comes to the emotional needs of our spouses. It could be that you are too needy </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I feel as if my need for her love and extra affection will drive her away, she is almost annoyed with the fact that I still struggle with this </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She may feel overwhelmed ans so wishes you would just get over it.

Keep posting here. Be persistant and as dedicated to saving your marriage as you were at winning her as your wife in the first place. Remember she chose you first and more than likely over some others she had to choose from.

I disagree with WM she needs to know your toughts about the A and she needs to know how devatated you are. You don't have to keep beating her over the head with it but you are both where you are partially because you haven't shared feelings with eachother. Feelings are not illegal and must be shared with those who are affected most by them.

No one can set a time frame on recovery. Also some how I think that people think that recovery means "I no longer have to work at keeping our marriage alive". That is just not so there is no staus quo in a marriage. We are either progressing in the same direction or we are moving apart. Communication and the sharing of our hearts is what keeps us togeher. We do not grow at the same rate so consequently patience and forgiveness are absolutes.

I hope that 2004 will be a year of rebuilding for you and your W. There will be set backs but with honest effort comes progress; dwell on what you have gained and not what you have lost.
H

It's basicaly impossible for a WS to understand the damage they cause. This is why they cheat on the ones they say they love. They dont understand the whole concept of trust or remorse and it's becoming more common every year.

My wife actualy said today that kissing other men isnt cheating.

Every months or so I need to talk to my wife and explain how i feel and need some questions answered. It just turns into a fight and i feel bad about bringing it all up?

My wife says she cant take it anymore, but doesnt realize or consider it's me that needs the help to get over it so we can live our lives normaly. I can honostly say my Wife is a defective human being, she is possibly the most insensitive and unrealistic person I have ever met. I dont understand why im with her to. I keep remembering good times from the past with her, things would be much easier if we didnt share so much in the past.

Dear Bog

I disagree with your statement that it is impossible for WS's to understand the devastation they cause additionally there may be some that are not remorseful as well as those that do not understand trust but these are not the usual reasons for having an A. Please do not mis-understand I am not trying to justify having an A. I wholeheartedly agree with those that say it is the worst thing that one can do to another person. I can understand your bitterness and frustration with your situation but if the characteristics you discribe were impossible to overcome this web site and the 30,000 or so members are wasting their time in trying to rebuild their lives and marriages.

The feelings of loss by DB are real. He didn't deserve what happened to him no matter how neglectful he was in his marriage. He does feel that she loves him and I think taht is a worthy enough cause for hope and rebuilding. Hang in there DB you, your wife and all others concerened in your life will be better because the two of you rebuilt your lives together.
H

Thanks for all of the input. I will keep trying until I can't try anymore. The ball is in her court. I won't give up unless that is the last option.

DB
You can't wait for her to take action. Her decisions have not been good,,,,you don't like the choices she has made... you have the ball run with it.
H

What do you mean?

so you just found out and are in pain? you'll now enter the world of roller coaster rides. you'll want to talk about it and you've found a safe place with people who understand your pain. sounds like you're stilling dealing with the freshness of the wound inflicked on you and it has not fully sunk in. as time goes by it will sink in and maybe the healing process will really begin and you'll feel less helpless. be careful of the roller coaster rides and have a family member, friend, etc., who will listen to you and help you through the rough moments. your pain will ease with time and understanding. you're very needy now and sometimes being to needy can drive a wedge between a couple because it comes across as a sign of weakness. be careful to not across as too needy. believe in yourself and respect yourself. give yourself time, it does get better. soon you'll be able to deal with your thoughts and evaluate your situation for what it really is. make decisions not based on need but with strength in who you are and what you want out of your marriage.

Hi DB

Hope I can explain what I ment. I think you were right when you said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">she is almost annoyed with the fact that I still struggle with this. It has only been a month since her confession to me, yet she wants me over it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sure sh wnts you over it that would certain lessen her guilt. It may be that she is giving as much as she can give. It is possible that she wants you to recover faster than you are able. Just when I thought things were getting better my wife would pull me back to reality. I had the impression that you had expressed your pain to her and she wasn't responding yet you were waiting on her to express a level of affection that she wasn't able to give. So rather than wait for her I thought it best that you once again explain your devastation and what you needed from her to help you in the healing process. It has taken me a very long time to even begin to understand the hurt that my actions caused my W. I thought I understood at the beginning but I wasn't even close in knowing hat she was feeling and continues to feel becuse of my A. Sometimes when she reads what I've written here she reminds me that she hasn't progressed as far as I thought she had. I just ment that you should continue to let her know how crushed you are and how much you love her depite her A and how much you need her reassurance. I hope this helps
H

the ball is in your court and you do need to run with it. she wants you over it fast and wants you to move on because it is easier for her to deal with her emotional loss than your emotional loss. When an A suddenly ends it is a real emotional loss. Doesn't mean that a person or couple can not recover and move on but healing comes slowly and with lots of effort and work and a real understanding of the each others needs. I want you to understand a deep void is left when an A ends. You state that her love is not yours alone. Is a person capable of loving two people at the same time? Did she end her A willingly or was it forced to end after your PI work? The other satisfied needs missing in her life and you have to work hard to fill the void now left by the loss of the other. Do not be so desperate and needy and want healing to come fast that you forget to keep your ears and eyes open. The problem with us men is that sometimes we get so wrapped up in our healing. If you recently found out and have just begun to work on your marriage remember her void is still there. Get help and seek spiritual guidance.