I am fast approaching the 3mth mark. Things have been doing pretty good despite all this crap going on. WH is being pretty good, more attentive. But I am starting to go through that suspecting stage again. Not that he is doing anything to make me think that, but my gut keeps thinking things and it was my gut that I ignored for months and I am so afraid to brush my gut thoughts away. I don't know if it's fear, distrust or really a gut instinct. How do I know? If I start up my watching and checking on again (I did the first month after I found out),and he would find out it would destroy any sort of headway we have made. Why do I worry about this? Why do I worry about hurting his feelings?

I think we are doing so well because I don't ask anything, I don't question, I hold it in, but the last couple of days I can feel things I want to ask or know bubbling to the top and its starting to come out in tears, not sleeping etc. When I did ask if they had gone anywhere together besides McDonald's and her home he said "Is this healing?". I can't help it There were 2 times he went to a city about 1 hour from here and the first time he yelled at me when I questioned who he went with (and never did tell me) and the 2nd he just said he went alone. But that time he came back with a toy for the dog and the times we went to that store he would never go in he would sit in the car while I went in. Why did he go that time? Did he take her? Did he go in that store to show what a stand up, dog lovin' guy he was? Everytime I do the laundry I want to burn all his underwear. I can't help it. Is this normal even after this length of time?

All is fine if I don't say a word, if I pretend. Well I feel if I pretend long enough I am going to blow.

I know these crazy things I think about don't change anything, why do I keep thinking about them over and over? A friend found out last week and told me she had heard and she had someone at her work mention this past summer that they had seen him somewhere with a girl and my friend said "I told her no", my h wouldn't be out with anyone but me. I feel like such a fool. People knew, people talked and I talked myself out of everything. If I would have not been a fool maybe I could have stopped this before the ow got pg.

hnc -

The crazy feelings will come and go. I'm just past the six month mark and still feel that awful gut feeling and the need to check every now and then. We just had two really good weeks and then BAM, I wake up yesterday morning thinking of H and OW together. I was upset, anxious and feeling crazy all day. I asked questions, checked up on stuff, etc., etc.

It sounds like you need to talk to your H about your feelings and questions that you have. Maybe you could ask him to set aside or plan an hour or so per week just to go over your questions, concerns, etc.

When I did ask if they had gone anywhere together besides McDonald's and her home he said "Is this healing?".

Let your H know that YES, THIS IS HEALING! It's important for you to be able to ask questions, get answers and express your feelings about anything to do with the A.

I know what you mean about the underwear. I remember when H was packing for his last "created" business trip to be with OW for two days. He was running around like a crazy person to find the new underwear he bought at the beginning of the year (3 boxer briefs-right before his first meet with OW in February-on our anniversary!). Just had to pack that underwear for this trip. I actually helped him pack it!

Anyway, after I finally confirmed the A, I threw out the underwear, sweatshirt he wore when he left for the trip...anything that would trigger me about the A. I felt much better after doing that. I just didn't need to see him put those clothes on and think about the OW seeing him in the same stuff (or getting out of the same stuff). Stupid I know, but it helped me. (Even at six months past d-day, I'm shaking and feeling anxious just typing this!).

Don't be so hard on yourself thinking you are a fool! I know it's hard not to. You trusted your H. You believed in your H and he ruined all that by having an A.

I had the same feelings. The A that my H had was with the same OW he had an A with in his first M. TALK ABOUT FEELING LIKE A FOOL! When he planned his first trip this year to VA, it crossed my mind to say something to him about her. You know, just say, uh, you are not going to see this OW when you visit this printing plant are you (I knew she used to work there)? BUT I DIDN'T. I DIDN'T WANT H TO THINK I DIDN'T TRUST HIM! WHAT A JOKE!

It sounds like you really need to talk to your H, ask questions, express your feelings of anxiety about continued contact etc. Let him know that this is an important part of the healing process. Can you get him to come out to MB and read the important and helpful information on this site? I know that when I finally convinced my H to read HNHN and SAA, it finally clicked with him.

Hang in there!

sss

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If I start up my watching and checking on again (I did the first month after I found out),and he would find out it would destroy any sort of headway we have made. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why? Isn't he ALREADY being accountable for all his time and money? If not, why not?

I had the same problems you are having with racing thoughts about the affair. Harley says "Don't talk about it". It was clear that mentally dragging my W back into the affair by talking about it was not helping our relationship, but there were times I felt I HAD to. Sometimes, it was healing, though it frequently just led to more questions. Eventually it got to the point that the pain outweighed the gain, and I stopped.

As for your gut - yeah, trust your gut.

HC1964,

Raadical honesty about your feelings is the way to help process them. Your husband has to understand that what he has done to you, your marriage, and your ability to trust him is the most violent, wracking horrible thing that one spouse can do to another.

If he wants to know if "It's healing," the answer is YES if you need to know. He seems to be saying that it's better to forget and not deal with it than it is to process it. At this point I would be tempted to say maybe he's right, but I still don't think so. If he tries to shut you down, it is either because he so ashamed (which he needs to set aside in favor of your feelings) or because he's trying to protect his memories with her, or because there is still something going on. Trust your instincts.

And don't beat yourself up about not knowing and not understanding when it went on. While I may have questioned why my wife was with me, I had always thought if one of us strayed it would be me, not her. Wrong again. Be all live in various states of denial about certain things. I know I did/do.

Good Luck...

Jake

Hurt,
We all heal at different rates and in different ways. But, one thing I think you SHOULD do is ask questions. In the beginning, I asked my H many different questions and I knew it bothered him. When we went to counseling, she asked him if I started with the many questions and he told her yes. She asked him what happened when he'd answer, and he told her that I usually started crying and that he'd hold me or hold my hand. She looked at him and told him that he did not have to answer all my questions. I looked at her like "oh no you didn't!"...LOL. She told me that sometimes the more details we have stored in our heads, the more we have to hurt us. She told me that if it was something that would truly help me, then fine, but just knowing things to know them, won't. I try to use this information everytime I ask a question. It helps a little. Going through what you are going through is awful. He does not understand that. Everytime he sees you hurting over this, he feels some guilt and he does not like that. Don't feel stupid either. My H was having a woman over here in MY house, in MY bed while I worked midnights and I was none the wiser. I was in total shock when I found out. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Thank you for all your kind posts. Boy last week was a rough one. I guess I will expect those for awhile since the giddy niave marriage is gone. : )

Had a small melt down NYE, H works nights and I thought I could make it till he left for work, but I was so sad I couldn't fake anymore. (I had lost my Dad this past year also). He saw how upset I was and he came back home to bring in the new year with me. At first I didn't want him to but after he did I was truely glad. We held each other, drank some wine and had a good good talk. He actually stayed with me for 1 1/2 hrs. I can't believe he sacrificed that time for me as it has hurt me knowing he sacrificed work time with her and through 20 yrs of marriage he has sacrificed work time for his side of the family...but never me, can't take personal time, can't take long lunch...no not for me. So this time he spent meant alot in many many ways.

I am doing better, but still think constantly of ways to "bug" him when he is at work. I just can't think of ways to hide something on him to record him. Is this not pathetic? I know it's the trust issue I am fighting but it's constantly on my mind. I feel like a real pathetic, scizoid-freak. I hope this passes in time also. What's sad is I would do it in a heartbeat if I knew I wouldn't get caught bugging him. Boy if I did he would flip completely out. (Like bugging him is worse than him having an affair and getting someone pg! HA!)