After almost 9 years, about 5 weeks ago I walked in on my husband with someone else. We were living apart at the time, but I never thought that this would happen. We have two beautiful children together. My daughter says that the other woman wants her to call her mommy. I love my husband with all my heart. How can this be happening. I would give anyhting to have him come home to me and the kids.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I can't believe the "call her mommy". Start reading up here and posting. It will really help. Everything is miserable right now, but I promise things will get better. Stick to the MB program, it really works.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your situation is harder, but your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good. But, whether your spouse is "on board" or not, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thanks for the advise. I really do want to get back together with him. However, whenever he comes to pick up the kids the OW is always with him. They are living together and she does not work. I never have the chance to talk to him alone. If I could just get him to talk to me with out her there I know we could try. I am so confused. How could he do this after 9 years? He had everyhting in the world. He threw it all away for a 19 year old. Do you think that when he is done playing house with her, he will come home? Should I wait. If I do How long. Please offer some advise because I am very confused.

Most affairs end in less than 2 years. He will consider coming home after the affair ends if you make it an attractive alternative. See Plan A and Plan B. Plan A is designed to accelerate the end of the affair, as well as show you to be an attractive alternative, if that was not obvious already.

<small>[ December 30, 2003, 04:36 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

I made an appointment today for counceling. Hopeful someday he will join me. If not then at least I will have help dealing with this. I'm on my way out the door. Happy New Years!!

Dear GG
You have to give us more info in order for us to really give you productive advice. You said that you were seperated at the time you "walked in on him" and you say that OW wants your children to call her "mommy". That makes it sound as though you'v been out of the picture for an in deffinate amount of time. why did you leave? Why would you stay away long enough for him to find a replacement for your children? After the discovery where did you go? What have you been doing for the last 5 weeks?
H

We have been together for 9 years. In august he desided that he needed "space". So he signed off the lease and moved out. We talked all the time and the kids and I would stay at his house or he would stay here with us. We were still intimate and talked about everything. The day that I walked in on them, I was dropping the kids off at his place so I could get some things done. I was crushed. Two days before this, he and I were together and he told me that he loved me. Now I am thinking that this was a lie. Anyway, the first thing I did was to find out about this other woman. What I found out was that she was married. So I contacted her husband, who had all ready found out. He was trying to get ahold of me at the same time. He told me that this was not the first time that they were together. That is why he had moved out. I guess she has a history of doing this. So her husband and I got together and talked for almost 6 hours about them. Some of the things he told me were mind blowing. Things like when things get calmed down, and all his money is gone that she will move on. In fact, he told me that she was all ready talking to a mutual friend of theirs. Talking about moving in with him. What a tramp. She ruins my family, adn then walks away. Well, anyway she is still with him, living together in their little make believe world. I on the other hand, have been going to work, school ( I am in nursing school) and taking care of our kids. Her husband and I are still talking and once in a while go for a drink. He seems like a really nice guy but, looks can be decieving. My H found out that we were talking and tracked us down at a friends house and tried to start a fight. He was irrate. He was yelling and screaming. I was scared. Some how the cops were called and the situation died down. The OW husband and I still have contact, but we no longer go anywhere together. Nothing has ever happened between the two of us, and nothing ever will. I love my husband too much. My H has been doing weird things latley too. The other day, he showed up and dropped one of the kid's movies off. When he was walking to his car, he turned around and blew me a kiss. That confused me even more. Some times if he calls to talk to the kids he will say, "Can I talk to the kids hon". I can see in a way that he is just as confused as I am. Then there are the times that he is rude to me. (Those are the times that she is around him, I can hear her in the background. What should I do? Do you think that he knows that she is talking to someone else and wants the security of me there when she leaves. Or does he really want to try to work things out with me? When he dropped the kids off just a little while ago, he siad that we needed to talk. And that I should call him at work tonight. Why can't I call him at home? I know, because she is there. I think maybe he is playing both of us. So do I call him? What do I say? Should I invite him over after work? What do I Do???????

GG

Sorry I just need a bit more info. You say you "have been together for nine years". do you mean married or just "together". If it is "just together" and not married I can see where he thinks he's not breaking any promises. It doesn't justify his behavior in my eyes but he may see it as way to take freedoms because he is not bound by marriage vows. You say he moved out in August because he needed "space" to me I interpret that as "This relationship is to confining and I need more freedom to do what I want" and to me that always means seeing other people.

I think the first thing you need to determine is wheather or not the two of you want a permenant relationship, if you do and you are not married then you must get married. If either person is unwilling to commit to marriage then the other should leave the relationship because there is no basis for commitment.

Also it sounds to me that neither of you are thinking of what all this is doing to the children; you use eachother as babysitters not as committed parents. You are doing more damage to them by staying in this his house, my house see-saw. The children and there needs come before yours and his. If he needs his "space" by all means give it to him along with his walking papers. The children should not have to endure the confusion he has brought into their lives by his fooling around with this OW. He's not thinking of you or them. To top it off she wants them to call her "mom"! it makes me want to vomit over what is happening to your daughter and her sibling. Those kids should never be with him under the current circumstances and you are also neglegent for allowing them to be there while he is courting this other woman. No other advice on this page applies until your marital status is cleared up. I apologize if I've misunderstood but this is what I gather from what you have written here.
H