Hi everyone,
I had posted right before Thanksgiving about my finding out that my H had an affair with an exco-worker while I was at work. They met in MY home and in MY bed. He is not working right now and this is MY home. Well, things were going great. We are in 2 counseling programs, one through my work, and the other through our Church. He's been going to Church etc....well, the saturday before Christmas, we got into an argument over his ex (long story but she pushes buttons with me). He gets so upset everytime we argue over her and he told me that he refuses to discuss her or argue about her. Well, I apologized later that day for blowing up, but asked him to understand how I feel. I thought everything was ok. The following day, I ventured out to the mall, leaving my H and my daughter home. This was my first big venture away from him since the A. Well, 2 days later I get an email from the OW's friend telling me that he emailed her, asked her if their relationship was ok, told her he was with me out of necessity, etc. Now, this is after 4 weeks of no contact. I threw him out. He confessed to emailing her, and said that he panicked when we argued about his ex, freaked out and figured that if I was blowing up about that that there was no way I would be able to get past the affair, and figured he was losing everything (wife, family, job, home, etc) so figured that he would see if he still had her. He said that after he made the initial email contact, he got a response saying how do I know this is you, then he emailed again confirming it was him, then he emailed the nitty gritty....while he was waiting for a reply, my little one (mine from a previous marriage), came in the room, hugged him and he realized what he had and where he wanted to be so he deleted the email address and emails. He was hoping that I would never find out about it and called it a brain fart. How do I know this is true? HOw do I know that he didn't get a negative response from her and that's why he made no further contact? I spoke with the OW who wants to be my friend all of a sudden. She said that she emailed me because she thought it was disgusting that he was trying to make contact with her again while we are going to counseling, and I'm believing what he says. She wants him physically hurt...In the meantime, we had a scare with depression/suicide with him. He's been begging me to believe him, telling me that he loves me and promises to never do anything like this again...I've heard it all the first time. I love my husband and want to believe him, but how much is too much? Any help? Thanks

Oops, I forgot to add that he said that he said those things because he knew that that's what she would want to hear. He said that he got caught up in lie upon lie upon lie..etc. He's at home now, most of his things are still at his sister's house...he's always been actively looking for a job. He's been unemployed since Sept. I'm so scared.

Patti,

You can't believe him right now (and that's the honest truth)...but that isn't a prerequisite for loving him or working on your marriage...or succeeding. What extraordinary precautions are in place to prevent him from contacting her? Many relationships survive the affair but fail to recover....why? Because there is no recovery plan. What is yours? What is your (the two of you's) plan to prevent contact and restore intimacy?

Hi Starfish,
Well, I let him back into my home, but I've changed the passwords to our online accounts. Only I know them, and only I can let him online. As far as phone calls, since she lives in the next state (we live on the border of 2 states), all phone calls show up on the bill. He does not have his own cell phone. She, the OW, told me that she would let me know if he contacts her again because she doesn't want anything to do with him. He is with me just about 24/7. I really don't think he will contact her, but I'm not sure if it's out of the rejection and fear (or getting beat up) or if it's out of doing the right thing and being in love with me (like he says). I've told him that I hate living this way, but it's what I have to do for now. He's accepting that. I know every situation is different, but how long does this distrust last? I mean, I think I've budged a little....when we went to counseling after discovering the affair, she had asked me at one point where I am on a scale of 1-10 on trusting him, and I said 7. She was surprised....well, now after he made contact with her again, it's now about a 1, which is up from -7...LOL. It's just so hard to get through all of this, and I feel for anyone who has to go through this

There are ways of getting online without the specific user names and passwords that you have. All he has to do is subscribe to another ISP and put in that information and log in. After he's done, he just puts in the old information like nothing happened. Just FYI.

I agree with Star. You need a recovery plan. You guys are also faltering with Radical Honesty. He is still covering up his contact with her.

You can't trust HIM or HER. Don't put the safety of your marriage in her hands to tell you when he contacts her. She's already shown that your marriage isn't her highest priority, hasn't she?

Personally, I suggest putting tracking software on your home computer.

Behaviorally, you need to tell him that you would feel so much better if he just told you when this type of thing happens.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He's been begging me to believe him, telling me that he loves me and promises to never do anything like this again... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ask him what his plan is to make sure it never happens again and to rebuild trust in the marriage. It should include transparency and proactive demonstration that he is not in contact with the OW.

Putting your faith in his word or in hers is not going to lead anywhere good. BTW, neither will demands and judgments. Make requests. Also, make sure you ask him for his plans as if you expect him to have them. Avoid sarcasm. Ask it as if you were asking him, "So, what are your plans for fishing this weekend?"