I was watching the CNN Presents on Infidelity. I've recorded it and watched it twice now. I hope that many of you have done the same.

What I noticed was the late Dr. Shirley Glass saying that one of the attractions of affairs is the way a WS sees themselves reflected in the eyes of the lover. They see themselves reflected as attractive, desirable, adored human beings. That reflection is very addictive and consuming.

So, I'm wondering how our spouses see themselves reflected in our eyes.

Let me summarize some of the comments I've read recently by members about their spouses. Keep in mind that I'm paraphrasing from memory:

"He's lazy and hasn't worked in years."
"She's a frigid self-centered woman."
"He's a drunk and hates me."
"He has no ambition."
"He's angry and abusive; I think I married a monster."
"Should I even bother with this man?"
"Should I even bother with this woman?"
"Is he worth it?"
"Is she worth it?"

Setting aside that some of these are disrespectful judgments, let's look at what they portray or, rather, don't portray. Do any of these portray your spouse as an attractive, desirable, adored human being?

Hmmm...so, how we feel is reflected in our eyes, and the reflection of attractive, desirable, adored is addictive and consuming...

I don't see any post as often as I see "I don't think he/she loves me", and now I wonder - what is reflected in our eyes, and how significant of a factor is that reflection?

Babbling off....

Well it makes perfect sense that the WS and OW/OM see eachother as special and adoring and filled with romance since it is that which an affair supplies.Still part of the fantasy.

How about when the BS is looking at the WS with bloodshot eyes from dealing with an affair or staying up all night with a sick child or dealing with real family issues?

The truth is that WS would like to perceive themselves in the optimal "light" so as not to feel any of the anguish they are causing.How can we look at them otherwise? It is all a warped sense of self.No matter if they are looking at the OW/OM or in a mirror.The truth has a hard time being presented.

My WH will not see any reflection from me since I presently cannot bear to even look him in the eye for what he has done.Disrespectful judgement,Lb? Perhaps, but it is how he is presented to me now by his actions and how I, as well as others, perceive him.That knowledge I would not wish to have in my heart.

What about:loyalty,honor,integrity,respectibility,dignity,honesty,real love,sincerity,friendship,commitment,etc.These are the things that I would like to see again in my WH because that is what he is leading a life without now and that which he saw reflected in my eyes,before.

O

You go, Octobergirl.

Hmmm. I hope I don't sound too negative.It's just more of the same I think for us BS to have to endure.Now we all have to envision our WS and OW/OM making googly eyes at eachother at a local restaurant while we BS are at home doing the laundry,taking care of the kids,paying the bills,feeding the dog,getting dinner ready after a hard days work,etc

I mean,Hello??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Gosh, Takola
I agree wth you. However I think a lot is left to the BS to try to handle in Infidelity. The BS is the one going through the hurt and pain. Then trying to hold on to what they hold dear and save the M at the same time.

I really think that it makes it more difficult for the BS to admire and care, and respect the WS.

To me, the BS has to be careful to take care of themselves also. Learn to admire, love, care, for self even in the midst of being in a situtaion that may encourage you to feel incompetent, inadequate, and worthless. To deal with a situation that may make you feel even physically and emotionally drained. Something that makes you feel even disoriented with your own life.

Granted some people don't know how to be loving before the A. So when an A happens they have to learn new behaviors.

It helps for BS to learn how to live and love regardless even in the midst of this situaion then BS can share love, give admiration, and, respect to the source of their pain. But it is a toughy in the midst of an A.

Octovergirl,

Hi I just wanted to ask. Hope I don't seem invasive. Are you in Plan A or B?

Hi ftb,

As my profile suggests,I am in Plan B. I'm not sure how long I will stay there but that's where I am.It feels right so far.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sorry I'm so negative too. I'm just not in the mood for cr%p like this now.

We scraped and saved for a couple of years to get downpayment for a new Harley. When my H drove by with OW on the back maybe it was admiration in her eyes. I thought it was the reflection of all that chrome.

Then he took his check for 8 months, took her on trips, wined and dined her, money was no object, he wasn't paying any bills or giving me anything.

He's lucky that the reflection in his eyes wasn't the business end of a shotgun.

<small>[ December 31, 2003, 03:45 PM: Message edited by: believer ]</small>

LOL in reply to believer's post. I don't support violence. But that was pretty funny.

I've looked at some of the replies. The BS really fseel dumped on when WS does as they please. It makes BS feel so many inadequate feelings. How can the refelction of your WS be one of love or empathy or kindness or anything else when WS has done so much damage?

BS has to deal with the great amount of hurt and devastation that comes about as a result of an A.
How can WS be reflected as anything but an evil mungrel when they have hurt BS so much?

Yet, I believe when BS is able to look at the A from the standpoint that the A was symptomcatic of underlying issues that needed to be addressed then the BS can began to understand their error and heal from the horrible image that an A palces on them of themselves. Because if you feel horrible about yourself how can you show a great image of someone else?

If the BS doesn't heal they can't see WS for anything but what they are. But WS has to give a little too. The WS's image will not be reflected in love when WS continues pouring salt in the wound. Give BS something to work with. Show BS you want to change then maybe BS will be able to see a better reflection.

I'm not going to discuss romantic ideations of what should be or what is 'fair'. What I'm discussing is what attracts a WS (or any spouse, it may attract a H to his W or a W to her H). I'm not discussing what should attract them or how fair life should be.

Here is that assessment, and it isn't just from me. If your eyes reflect postive things, your spouse will be attracted to that. If they reflect negative things, then be aware of it and prepared to deal with the ramifications of that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">dealing with real family issues </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think the state of the marriage, particularly in regards to infidelity IS a 'real family issue'. Do you believe that it is not?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My WH will not see any reflection from me since I presently cannot bear to even look him in the eye for what he has done.Disrespectful judgement,Lb?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you are actually a BS in the early recovery/affair ending stage, I think you should give pause with this and rethink. Your WS WILL go through withdrawal, and it will help to get them through it without renewing contact if they see positive things reflected. Negative things will just cause a comparision between you and the OP, and it isn't one in which you are likely to be seen the most favorably.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">These are the things that I would like to see again in my WH because that is what he is leading a life without now and that which he saw reflected in my eyes,before. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, you withhold what he needs to see until you see what you want to? My marriage didn't recover under that type of arrangement, and this makes me fear for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm just not in the mood for cr%p like this now.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believer, I've read a lot of your posts that I thought were utter nonsense and illogical. However, I have managed to not call anything you post crap. I would appreciate the same consideration.

You cannot manage to reflect adoration when an affair is actively going on, I can understand that. I think perhaps you can try for loving and understanding in your gaze instead of anger and condemnation.

<small>[ January 05, 2004, 10:54 AM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

Sorry Takola - I love your posts and did not mean to call the post cr%p. I just get tired of all the effort the BS has to do, while WS continues to do what they want. But I do think your posts are carefully thought and and that you are usually right. I'm still thinking about this one. My sincere apologies, it was not a kind thing to say.

My turn too.Takola,

My WH currently lives 3000 miles away and it looks like that will not change so ANY type of recovery,if there was any,would be fruitless.That is a fact.

I cannot reflect in my eyes what is not in my heart and if that goes against MB principles or anyone elses opinions,so be it.I am not wihtholding anything that my WH couldn't work back to and have in his life if and when he decided to make me and our marriage his priority,so far he has not,hence Plan B.He will not go into withdrawal if his motive right now is to continue the A, which it IS and has been.

My WH has my Plan B letter,knows what it means and what he would need to do in order for us to begin any type of recovery.Until that time,I plan on remaining true to that plan and to myself.

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

"You cannot manage to reflect adoration when an affair is actively going on, I can understand that."

Takola when you talk about refelcting positive things, do you mean to state being positive once the A is over?

If my question sounds strange I ask it because I think people get mixed up on how things should occur in Plan A.

As it pertains to meeting the WS needs. People try to meet ENs while the A is active (myself included). Thus, explaining the term becoming a doormat. However Plan A states that you aren't suppose to until A is over.

I think a lot of BS become disgruntled and annoyed by so many requirements from them. But in actuality they may not understand that there is more to require from WS.

This may sound like a different question but I think it is related.

So is it that BS is actually suppose to become a doormat? Meaning for me, are you suppose to try to meet WS needs and have positive reflection while A is going on?

As it pertains to doormat, it would have to happen while A is going on or how else could you be characterized as a doormat?

But if you become doormat WS thinks they can do as they please and there is potential to become cakeater.

However if you set boundaries. Boundaries which support that you will start doing more once WS makes a recommittment to marriage then all is not left up to BS. BS already has much to contend with. Dealing with infidelity, carrying on with life, living taking care of self and WS and sometimes children too, being part time counselor listening to WS confess dirty deeds trying to help them sort out what they are doing (though they are doing it to you). Many task. Then being WS motivational coach too, trying to reflect a loving image of BS. Oh it makes me tired thinkig about it. I'm not bucking Takola, but I am wondering if I misunderstood some things. Please help me out when possible. Thank You.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I love your posts and did not mean to call the post cr%p. I just get tired of all the effort the BS has to do, while WS continues to do what they want. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's ok believer. I think I suffered from thin skin disease today.

Personally, I sometimes get a bit frustrated with what the BS has to do in comparison with the WS, as well. I do not personally think that it is fair. It rankles quite often. I can understand that feeling, as well.

I remember when my H was away that these thoughts were sometimes overwhelming. I'd have to come out here and get whipped back into shape before talking to him. I thought, "Ok, he left, he's cussing me, he's living at another woman's house, and I'VE got to worry about upsetting HIM?!"

Yeah, my Taker had problems with it.

Takola - You are not thin skinned. What I posted was just plain rude. I always listen to your advice because it is always very good. I will try to look at H through kind and understanding eyes. I have not done that since July or even before.

You are right, the OW looks at him adoringly and he eats it up. I will practice it and see if I can do it.

but why do the bs has to do all the work. when the ws hurt us. my wife is still having her affair and will not tell me anything iam on plan a now and not living with for months now. she seem like she having a lot of fun.