WS in an A is characterized as being addicted to lover, love drunk and passionate. So to the point that their consciousness may be impaired like that of a person in a physical "fog". However this fog being used figuratively explains why WS may act inconsiderately toward BS making it evident that A is happening or that "something just isn't right". WS may be so far in the clouds that he/she becomes self absorbed, and preoccupied with A and makes decisions with OP in mind that totally disregards feelings of BS and family members.

Hypothetically speaking, though it may be very different, is it possible for the BS to be in a fog? If you think so, how? Is it similar to the fog that WS may be in, and how?

Hi ftb,

If I understand your question correctly, I don't think BS are in a "fog" when the affair is discovered or even post-confession.BS are existing and reacting to a reality based world whereas WS are not.They are only living/dealing in *portions that are conducive to the affair.

If,given time,they are exposed to the day to day minutiae that we all go through with work,family,finances,etc this reality would start to seep into the WS's world and conflict with the bubble that has been manufactured to keep the affair at it's best possible potential.Thus they too would have to come to terms with LIFE eventually.


The "fog" to me represents the mental state at which a person allows or is subject to a particular sensation/feeling/need that disrupts his/her usual thinking processes thus causing behavior that is negative and hurtful to those around him/her.It is mostly chemical based(i.e. PEA).The infatuation feeling of "falling in love" which WS have but that wanes over time,the addiction of a drug or other substance such as alcohol or nicotine.

If you have ever been around someone with an addiction,you can see the similarities to what WS are doing like those with other addictions.There is no rationality to what they say or do,it is all driven upon meeting that NEED/FIX.

O

bump

^^

There was a time when I certainly felt like I was in a fog. I was so inindated by the A and the impending collapse of the marriage that I could not see or care much about the world beyond. I think the proper word for this is depression.

Certainly strong emotions can cloud our judgement so that we act in ways that hinder the recovery and hurt others but I don't think I would call that fog in the context that it is used here.

my .02

JGNC

I agree wtih JGNC.. Fog-- no- not like the WS... No infactuation here-- but I sure couldn't concentrate on anything beyond my kids, me, and the marriage. I couldn't think straight. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't concentrate-- on anything. It was such a horrible- out of control feeling- thinking I was going crazy. Now look back, agree- a form of depression.. Should of probably got drugs, but when you are in it- you can't look beyond it.

So in a sense, it's a fog- you can't see very far.. But it's a fog from pain.

Ana

(PS- if you are in this "fog" freetobe, please do seek a physician. Looking back- I now know it would of been the right thing for me to do.)

To JGNC and Anastasia,

I don't think that the fog I'm referring to is like that of WS that is founded in self deception, delusion and self centered behavior that impairs the consciousness from being able to see right from wrong.

For the sake of our argument let me expand the term counsciousness. When I use it as it pertains to the "fog" that WS is in, I am referring to the conscious of knowing right and wrong. However I am also referring the "consciousness". Which I would define as an awareness of self, and others. I would define it as an awareness of others around you. I would define it as an awareness of life and everything in it.

When a BS discovers A I feel that their consciouness or awareness becomes cloudy with everythng having to do with it. Some BS find it hard to even function day-to-day task as a result. They become so preoccupied with A that their awareness of other things happening around them becomes limited to only that which pertains to the A. Now I am not criticizing BS, because I too am one. However I feel that there is a "fog" like condtion that happens when BS discover A.

Especially if you compare BS to WS when an A is going on. WS goes on like nothing is happening (of course because they are in the folly of A), but BS makes their M and A their whole everything. WS just glides on the magic of extramarital love. Does anyone relate to this?

Please chime-in other BSs, and WS who've gone through this.

Hi freetobe,

I agree with what you are saying and unfortunately, that tendency in a BS often hurts the M recovery...too obsessed, not enough outside interests, outside distraction, etc. However, it is more of an obsession than a "fog" as per WS. Why? Because I don't think the BS is deluding themselves, distorting reality, conveniently whitewashing the past. In fact, they are hyper-sensitive to every little detail, nuance, perception, etc. and tend to be hyper-critical of themselves, the WS or both.

One other thought I've often had...people talk about how frustrating it is that the WS can't simply give up the OP when they say they will. But look at the stories here of BS going to Plan B -- so many involve slip-ups: "just checking" on the WS, "accidental" encounters, or out-and-out regular contact yet still calling it "Plan B".

Withdrawing from someone who has become the (sole) focus of your life is extremely difficult! I think that's just another reason why it is such a great idea to work on yourself while in Plan A -- developing new interests, taking a positive attitude with others, etc. I suspect that not only will it make it likelier that a WS will see you (the BS) through their fog, but that you can actually carry out a successful Plan A, and Plan B if necessary!

Kind of related (I think) to your fog question...ie. similarities between what a WS and BS go through, albeit from radically different perspectives.

awed

FreeToBe: You said:
" However I am also referring he "consciousness". Which I would define as an awareness of self, and others. I would define it as an awareness of others around you. I would define it as an awareness of life and everything in it."

And

"Especially if you compare BS to WS when an A is going on. WS goes on like nothing is happening (of course because they are in the folly of A), but BS makes their M and A their whole everything. WS just glides on the magic of extramarital love. Does anyone relate to this?"

I second your thoughts and do feel that I have been living somewhat in a fog of consciousness. Besides my kids, my job and building a relationship with God, All else has suffered. And in reality those three things have suffered as well. I am not depressed (at least not yet, but just started getting into Plan B, so who knows what will follow), so it has to be something besides depression, at least for me.

See the post - "oops" on GQ II.

I will check it out

There is a huge difference between the conventional "fog" a ws goes through and the "state of mind" the bs goes through.

I don't know if there's a name for it, but there should be. It is such a wild, convoluted combination of feelings, including shock, sadness, devastation, anger, betrayal and others. Perhaps it should be called the "MUCK" or the "MIRE". Or the "QUAGMIRE".

It is a time when you cannot trust your gut instincts to do the things that would best serve your interests, if you have hopes of rebuilding a marriage. How many of us let anger allow lovebusters to be hurled at the ws by the bucket load upon the discovery of the A, all because we did NOT know about MB and the proper way to handle the confrontation.

It is a time soon after that you become so immensely involved, compelled, driven to save the marriage that it becomes wholly consuming, and most other areas (work, clubs, parenting, extended family, friendships)in your life become if not secondary, at least shorted in the time and energy you have to devote to them.

But it is not the fog.... the fog is designed to give the ws justification for what they have done/are doing. The QUAGMIRE is a condition where the bs, in the most extremely emotional time of their life (short of a death) the brain has to come up with answers you never thought you'd be looking for.

Octobergirl, JGNC, Anastasia^^,awed18, hurtingdad, and shatterdreams

Thank you all for your responses. Many of you disagree that what BS is going through is not a fog. Some said that there were things that occurs in BS that makes their consciousness seem impaired.

This is exactly what I'm getting at. I wanted to put this issue out here to maybe bring attention to what most BS go through trying to save their M.

As the fog is discussed relating it to WS it takes on a negative connotation as something that the "bad people" or people that have done a bad thing are in. But the fog can be described to explain any behavior that impairs the consciousness whether it by a WS, or a BS. It just occurs in a different way and is encompassed by different characteristics.

When you think of the fog, it is misty, cloudy stuff that is very difficult to see through. How many of (BS) think it was difficult to see through the cloudy, mistiness (I don't think that is a word <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> ) of sadness, depression, despondency, grief, fear, and all the other adjectives to your life? Some days I think I forgot my name and what planet I was on. I think I too was alien abducted. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

And I think it is a process. At first there are so many emotions. Then you get in there and read everything you can read. You want to save the world (no just your R/M) and you forget about everything else. Much of your life is put on hold while you try to deal with your dilemna.

Then guess what you (BS)also sees a "light".

What is the light? Well of course it is different than WS because WS begins to realize self delusion and deceit of the A. Begins to see that the M is what they want. As the fantasy and folly of the A comes to an end.

BS begins to see the light that life will be good with or without WS. BS begins to realize that they can make it. Maybe there is some self deceit for BS also in that many times they do not accept while trying to save the M that they can be happy even in the midst of the A. Tell me what you think.

OK All, here is my reply. After I found out (and since) about my WW's affair I haven't been able to work or much less function at everyday tasks. I am looking at buying another vehicle and it creeps into my head..."what if my marriage doesn't work, where am I going to be finacially?". This is not a fog this is reality. I am so much more reality based based now then I have ever been, up to this point I thought my marriage was infalliable (I guess that is a "fog"), but then reality slaps you in the face and you have to deal wit it. This upsets my wife but I have to think this way. NO FOG, Just reality.

Sevenselves