My husband is having an affair. I asked him to leave last night (major mistake that I deeply regret. Should children be told why a parent has left?

How old are they?

Dear Montanasky,

I don't know. How old are your children? That could definitely be a factor to consider.

When my H had his first affair back in 1986, I didn't tell the children. In a way, I wish I had for MY sake, but definitely not for theirs. They were 4, 8 and 10. How on earth would you explain it to them?

Looking back, I have wondered that if I had told them and told my father-in-law, would it have kept my H more accountable so as not to repeat the behavior? Would it have been worth it to expose my children to that is a whole other story! Now that my kids are grown and they all know about his behavior because of his January 4th, 2003 revelation. Even as adults, they were still devastated by the news.

I think that I personally would tell my kids why their dad left if they were all at least 10-12 years of age (or perhaps a very mature 8 or 9). Otherwise, I don't know if it would harm more than hurt them. It's a tough call.

I'm sorry that you have to even think about it!

Stillwed

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MontanaSky:
<strong> My husband is having an affair. I asked him to leave last night (major mistake that I deeply regret. Should children be told why a parent has left? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, childern has to be told, to built trust. However it is depends on their age, you might not tell them about the A. No detail, even for older children. Just tell them there is an A and dady has to resolve his issues for now.

Don't sweat you have kick him out. You are just reacting to his A. Now the harder part comes .... it seems you still want M. You have to read basic concept & General Welcome and read as much as you can about plan A/B. Read SAA & HNHN !. If you could afford it you should contact MB or Penny for counseling. We are just a bunch of wanna be that try to give our oppinion. Get advice directly from MB.

Read & post back for some more questions.

-rh-

Thanks for the quick response. I'm feeling desparate right now and having someone to "talk" with helps ease the desperation a bit. My son is 16. He knows something is up but not about A. I plan to let him know what has happened but no details as advised.

I am blaming myself for not controling my desperation. For questioning every action and word of my H and depleting his love bank. I can't help myself from wanting to know all the details of the A. He says the A is over but has been maintaining contact. Says they are just friends and that I shouldn't be consumed with jealousy and deperation. Is it normal to want to know everything? I feel that if I do, I can better understand him and get on with life.

I think that a 16 year old is old enough to know. I would tell him dad has a girlfriend and it is causing problems. Also you need to read here about Plan A. Although you are very upset, it will help you in the long run.

H needs to have NC with OW, and NC means no calls, no communication. Until that happens you will not be able to work on reconciliation.

Also if OW is married, her H needs to know.

Back to the thing about telling son. Older kids need to know - mine were 17 and 20. They blamed me for throwing out H, because I just told them that there were problems. Later when H was living with OW, I told them the truth. It is better to be honest and upfront with older kids from the beginning. I hope my boys will learn a lesson for their future - that certain behavior will not be tolerated.

Many variables here.

One your son is old enough to know something is going on and old enough to know what having an affair is about.

However make sure he is not being told so that he can side with you on the issue. It can be very traumatic for a son or daughter to feel they must take sides.

So make sure he is informed in such a way as to prevent him from misunderstanding what is going on. But not told so much as to make him feel you are asking him to side with you or attacking his dad..even though you might feel his dad deserves to look bad its not good for you son to portray his dad in anymore of a negative light than necessary.

As I stated, I'm not ready to move to Plan B and throw H out. He is refusing to avoid contact. I feel at this point I'm willing to put up with contact with the OW. This is what is making me so desperate. I love him so deeply that I don't want to let him go. He is what makes up the very essence of me. Can you relate to my desperation. Help!

Plan A is where you can start. Read all about it here. Hopefully it will bring him around. If not time for Plan B in a couple of months.

Stick with MB, I promise as awful as things are, they will get better.

You could plan A from far and pray hard that OW is not ready to take your H ... financially or emotionally.

-rh-

The problem is that he DID leave. Damn it. I feel I made a HUGE mistake. I want to work things out...not lose him. OW is waiting in the wings.

I just told my son. I am very proud of him. I asked him not to take sides. That it took the both of us to get to this point. I'm sure I did the right thing. He deserves to know so that he can understand all the turmoil.

Don't worry about it too much. I know it is hard, but things will go back and forth. Try to read about Plan A. My H has wanted to come back several times. And remember most come back to the marriage. You have a family together.

In the meantime, take care of yourself and son. It will be very hard, but things do get better. Stick to the MB program.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MontanaSky:
<strong> The problem is that he DID leave. Damn it. I feel I made a HUGE mistake. I want to work things out...not lose him. OW is waiting in the wings. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again don't kick your self in the rear behind ... It is not perfect but it is fine. Focus on understanding what Plan A is and put together plan A actions.

-rh-

Redhat, thanks for the advice. I have read Plan A/B several times plus most other material on MB site. I kick myself that I deplete the love bank by my compulsive need to discover and reveal the details of the A. H isn't ready to deal with it yet. I keep pushing which only serves to push him away. Its like I can't control myself and I'm on a path of self destruction. I will seek counseling tomorrow. Thanks again. You have helped.

i have a 15d ,9d, 5s,sould i only tell the 15yr old she is seeing somthing is not right. but i dont live with them and i know once i tell them it will be lb with wife.mom leavrd them home while she is with om.