Hello everyone, I am new here. With out going into the details (don't think I can handle that right now) I found out about my H afair in September. Now I feel like I'm in limbo. I feel like I can't live with him, but I can't live with out him. Sometimes I feel the only way to escape would be suicide. I loved him so much it, now I just feel so lost. I feel ruined, and I'm someone I don't even recognize anymore.I've turned into this hateful, bitter person. I don't even want to be around me. It makes me sick to think that I've let him do this to me, but I did. I used to be strong, confident, loving and caring. Now I'm the exact opposite. I feel insecure, weak, bitter, and mean; and I can't help it. I was speaking with my mother the other day and a woman she knows was going through a tough time, and my immediate response was "get over it, we've all been through it". Normally I would have had more compassion for another person that is hurting as well. I feel like I'm in a never ending nightmare, when does all of the pain go away, how do I get my oldself back?

melvina- Welcome to the bitter and mean club. Glad you found marriagebuilders. I'm just like you, but probably more bitter. Read all about Plan A right now. It will really help you.

I found out in July and threw H out, now he is living with OW. However I am mostly happy now. You will get there too. When I first found out I almost did myself in - but didn't want him to get my insurance.

Keep posting and reading here. It really helps and makes a difference. What you are feeling now is normal, but things will get better. I promise.

Dear Mel,

I'm so sorry for your need to be here, but it's a good place to be when you need help.

First of all let me ask you, have you done any individual counseling (IC)? It can really help. I have been seeing a woman who introduced me to the Enneagram personality assessment and it's been a wonderful tool for me personally, my H and our marriage. I figured that if I'm going to have to go through all of this grief and pain, I had might as well come out of it a happier, healthier person. I liken it to going in for emergency abdominal surgery and coming out with a boob job and liposuction...might as well make some improvements while you are in there...lol! (Not that I'd ever really do either in real life, but it's good for a laugh!)

It's been a year for us since d-day and things are great between us. I still have a lot of pain regarding my H's affairs. It was a lot to learn about all at one time. I just want you to know that there is hope! You can get better. You can save your marriage and yourself.

Read everything that you can on this site. Order the Harley's books and read them too. Get into counseling and GRIEVE. You've had a huge loss so give yourself time to grieve. It's a very important step to recovery that you cannot bypass it and come out truly healed.

Take care and don't be afraid to go into the details...this is the place to do it!

Stillwed

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> When I first found out I almost did myself in - but didn't want him to get my insurance.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks Believer. If my wife decides to move out, I think I will change my life insuarance beneficiaries to my two children. That last thing I want is WW and OM to benefit from my premature demise. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Hello Mel

Sorry you are here but it is good that you are here. I suggest that you go to the first post on this page("On Going") and read, read, read. Get a C and see about anti-d's. You will be able to make better decisions once you can see over the depression. Hopefully both you and your H can see a MFC together. Read Dr. Harley's books and learn how to rebuild your life. Get a good plan A going Recovery is a long process but it can be done. Your progress will be slowed if you blame yourself or if you blame him. Blaming makes everyone helpless.

I don't think that you will get "your old self back". But that isn't a bad thing. The "old self" is what got both you and your H where you are right now. You will regain your compassion and with much effort your marriage can be whole again.

H