Been married for 6 yrs. we never had premarital sex, however neither of us were virgins. I have never been married, my wife was married and divorced because of spousal infidelity. Wife has a history of relationships with infidelity.
Into our marriage i noticed that wife had sexual disfunctions. Would never let me touch intimate areas, and would not have intimacy in more than one or two ways. I was under the impression that when you get married that is where you have an opportunity to explore eachother intimately. as long as it's nothing imoral, or painful to either party. That was my expectation in marriage to have sexual liberty whipped cream, shower, etc. I've been married 6yrs and yet to be intimate by fireplace, jacuzzi, shower. etc. not only that she had an extremely low sex drive, once a month ocassionaly twice a month was sufficient for her. Anyway this was extremely frustrating, not only that there where extreme controlling personalities within ocassionaly she would tell me "did you ask if you could touch me" I could'nt believe that. now we both are of a christian backround, so i thought that in marriage, your body is not your own, and also in corinthians it says that a woman is not supposed to deny her husband intimacy. Any way after a long period of non-intimacy, i bought a tape as a form of release. She found out about the tape and hit the roof. not only that told friends, and church members that there was a sexual addiction.

anyway, we agreed to go to counseling i wanted to go to a marriage/sexual counselor to see what was going on w/her as far as sexually. she refused and found a plain marriage counselor. now, all the time this is going on wife is having an Emotional affair w/ex from yrs previous to marriage.I've intercepted emails at home and she got mad, and now talks to him everyday at work via telephone, and email. She also had him call the house once, i was about to leave at that time, but i have a daughter to think about. I'm one that believes that when you become married any previous relationships that you had before marriage should be terminated unless they are joint friends of both parties.

that is one thing i really cant tollerate. anyway we went to counselling and i gave my word that i would not get anymore tapes.

Spouse is continuing relationship w/ex and constantly finding fault in things i do. Complained that i did'nt do enough around the house. I started doing more around the house even suggested a housekeeper that wasnt enough. complained that we never did devotions. I started doing devotions and she said i was not consistant enough. she said that in church i seem like i'm not into the service. I'm a musician and i used to play in church she said she believes that a family should worship together, meaning that i should be in the congregation with her. I told her i'm a musician and that's what God called me to do if i'm not doing what i'm called to do then i'm not going to be fullfilled in the congregation.

also i think that she is jealous of my love for my daughter. I know that her love for me is unconditional, and that's what keeps me going.

anyway that is my story. and that's the crossroad that I am at. she refuses to drop Emotional Affair and i'm getting to a point to seek legal advice. I truly want my daughter w/me. The thing that gets me is how someone can throw scriptures at you but when it comes to themselves there's nothing wrong.

there you have it both sides of the story.


any advice is greatly appreciated.

Wife seems to be thinking of other men, maybe you should call an ex-girlfriend and see whats up with her, of course as only friends. Maybe even go as far as to invite her over to the house for drinks and a movie. Some time clueless type spouses dont understsnd what they are doing until it happens to them, and even then sometimes they still dont get it.

I have several thoughts. First, if the MC is any good, your sex life should improve. A couple's sex life is a reflection of the rest of their marriage, in most cases.

I am not sure because I do not have enough information from your post, but I suspect Harley's materials will be very helpful to you. My marraige and sex life were much like what your describe before my wife had a physical affair, it stayed about the same during the affair, but when she confessed and we read "Survivng an Affair" together, we began fixing our marriage and our sex life.

Although she is "only" having an emotional affair, the path to recovery is the same for an emotional affair and for a physical affair. Click on the link in my signature line to find out about it. You may need to take the position that since your lusting at pornography was a form of adultery, you two should read the book. Don't worry, the prescribed path for recovery is pretty much the same for BS and WS in SAA.

<small>[ January 02, 2004, 01:39 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

MyAdvocate,

I have another thought to explore with you...is it possible that your W was sexually abused in any way in the past? Inappropriate (but limited) things were done to me by a relative (not blood related) when I was young (8-12ish). Some of her reactions remind me of how I once reacted - angry if someone touched me and I felt like I hadn't "OK'ed" it, low sex drive, inhibitions, etc. Or maybe she was just taught that sex is a bad thing or somehow was made to feel ashamed of it (this can happen when someone has a strict and/or religious upbringing - I am Lutheran, so please don't blast me, I'm trying to be helpful). Now, the reactions combined w/ an EA don't make much sense, but it can happen w/ sexual abuse victims where they are hot/cold, etc. I hope I'm not out in left field.

I strongly recommend that you don't confront your wife with this - it would be much better if the therapist questions her, perhaps when you're not there so as to minimize any shame she feels if she was a victim.

Bottom line is that you should talk to the therapist about it before you say or do anything.

I echoe cmj's concern about abuse. Your story sounds eerily familar to mine:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=009539

Much of what I took to be low sex drive and physical rejection of me as a lover were in fact byproducts of her abused but unacknowledged sexual abuse/rape.

Often women with sexual issues have been abused in the past. Its a tragic statistic but some reports say as many as one out of six women have been raped the majority acquaintence rapes that normally go unreported.

Odds are this problem is driving a wedge between you causing you to grow further and further apart. The more you want improvement in your sex life the more she wants to avoid sex.

If it were just low sex drive I would say there could some physical reasons for it. But some of the other things you mention seem to red flag the possibility of abuse.

Here is what concerns me....any qualified marriage counselor should want to explore the sexual issues especially the possibility of an abusive past. The therapist need not specialize in sexual issue to do this.

Do you go both as a couple and by yourselves to this therapist? If so have you discussed the possibility of sexual abuse playing a role in the sexual problems currently in your marriage?

Regarding the counselor, i chose a counselor that was also a sex therapist. she did not want to go to that counselor, so we went to a counselor of her choosing. the thing was we never met individually, and that really upset me. I've never heard of a counselor wanting to meet a couple w/out firstcounseling with them individually. Also the counselor never mentioned anything about her sexual past. I did not mention much about the sexual issues, because we were in the counseling sessions together. I believe there may have been some sexual abuse somewhere in her past, but the thing is i'm the one that's being affected by it. she looks at me as the one w/the problem.

MyAdvocate,

We don't know if there is abuse in your W's past, but if so, it is expected that she would feel like you are the one with the problem - maybe she says you are pushing her, or not paying attention/being sensitive to what she wants, etc.

Speaking from my own experience, I used to become hurt/angry/resentful if my significant other wasn't able to "read the signs" of when I wanted to be touched and, more importantly, when I didn't want to be touched. Of course, it's impossible for you to read her mind, but if there was abuse in the past, then you must try to understand that you cannot fully understand it and you can only try to help her deal with it.

Let me give an example - once the abuse is a topic of conversation, you would tell your spouse that you love her and always want her to feel safe with you, so you might develop a "code word" that she can use at any time to get you to stop any physical or affectionate actions. She may stop you as you approach her for a kiss, or she may stop you in the right in the middle of making love. (This has happened to me - on rare occasions, right in the middle of being w/ my H, I suddenly felt anger and I had to stop.) The challenge for you will be to not take it personally - it's really not about you even though it hurts you. In order for things to get better, you would never make her feel bad about needing space, you would just lovingly back off, maybe ask her if she wants you to just hold her, but never be upset if she seems to totally reject you and acts angry towards you - again, it's not about you.

In general, it was important for me that I was not made to feel bad about sexual issues or like a "cold fish" - it will only add to her bad feelings / shame and she will start to associate you with triggering those feelings. If you can build feelings of trust and safety about sex/intimacy, with no criticisms or even a disappointed look when she's not in the mood (so complete safety/acceptance of what she wants sexually), then you will eventually be rewarded as her security and trust grows. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> (Things became wonderful with my H in a short amount of time, which just adds to my feelings of betrayal because he knows that he was one of the few people with whom I felt safe to be sexual - and now that feeling has been severely damaged because of his affair. I can't help but feeling that this was particularly cruel on his part, but I know that's a LB.)

Let me add that I am obviously not a therapist, I'm only speaking from my own experience, so you should definitely talk to a therapist before you do anything on this subject. Perhaps you can call your couple's therapist and ask for an individual session.