Why me? We have all asked those famous two? We are self centered. I know how you are wrestling with the injustice of WW actions. You have been 'there' for her needs--probably sacrificing yours in return. WW has gotten used to the 'gravy' train you supplied in past without alot of grousing until now. It is all about WW. It probably has been for along time.
You being a christian is going to help you make it through. This is one of life's biggest dramas. Through all of this there will be a blessing. Start to look for the blessings you have now. You mentioned children. You are nuturing and modeling behavior that you children will do in their own lives. Forget that "Do as I say" stuff- teach them "I do as Jesus said right here in the Bible". That is what is working for me and my 3 babes.Keep praying and remember to list those blessings daily. Peace.

Why me?? I have scrolled to find all your postings before I ask...Are you sure of your WS salvation? Have you asked her? Many people say they are christians but never know Christ. Every day in our country people are destroying their lives and those around them. Pray for your WS and yourself and kids. Journaling your prayers(written) helps me. Then when a time of temptation comes over all of us to revert back into LB patterns, you are ready with your prayer and when God answers your prayer- you can document the date. God answers prayer-read your Bible daily. Peace

To US: You have some very good points. Somewhere in the forum, one of the participants is asking, how many times should one forgive? I think God intended for one man to be with one woman for life. One of the usual statements in a marriage ceremony is to let no one separate whatever God puts together when referring to the newlyweds. But adultery is perhaps one of the biggest sins and is the only Biblical ground for divorce, but then when we are confronted with trying to forgive that is where we may feel torn and confused. Again, one has to take into account any previous history of infidelity by the offending partner.

bump

To Why me: it has been awhile since I have posted here, but I have been lurking and I have seen your posts in GQII. As I mentioned before, I see a lot of similarities between the situation that has affected you and what affected my marriage. You may remember that I had an A early in my marriage that my H forgave and we moved on with our lives until I made the same mistake a second time. I knew how badly my dear H suffered the first time and how supportive he was. I do not know what I was thinking that I let myself go down that road once more. Through conseling I have understood my problems, but it has been too late. I should have done that earlier. I now know that my fathers abusive behavior and drinking together from my mother's anger and lack of involvement in my life played mayor roles in my need of attention as an adult.
I say it is late because my H has decided he will no longer be by my side. I feel destroyed and guilty because in the process I destroyed the normal life that my son and daughter had.
From your postings I can tell that there is deep sadness in you. You seem to want to protect your WW from more pain. If she is not going to a counselor, she needs to see one to try to figure out what her problems are. She will deny them as I did. She will try to bring up situations that ocurred between the two of you which to you may seem unrelated and they probably are. I did that also because I was desperately trying to not feel all the burden of the guilt that I had. I now realize that those excuses contributed to driving my H further and further away. He was dealing with his pain in his own way. He is like you, he tried to protect me, but the thought that anything that he may have done contributed to my behavior, according to my therapist is what kept him from getting and healing. I think I did terrible damage to him and I do not know whether he will be able to trust again. My advice to you is listen to her, but do not feel guilty. She is probably hurting and afraid. My H (soon to be exH) and I are also from SA and we have to deal with our cultural background. A close friend of mine who is a therapist in La Paz, told me that for a Peruvian man the hardest thing to do is accept that his W was with another man. Call it pride, machism, or what have you. My H was the exception and forgave me the first time and he was a devout and loving H, but I guess he could not take it anymore. I wish he had given me another chance. I am now sure that I would never be unfaithful. I hope my message helps in some way. One thing that you do not want to do is to build a wall of mistrust and communication between the two of you. You may not trust her and she does not trust you. Try to open up and let her build your trust. I hope you restore your marriage and heal completely. If it helps, take a vacation away from her and you will see how much you need her. God bless you.

SOM: I clearly remembered your post because when I saw it I asked about what caused you to fall away from your marriage vows. You gave an answer that my WW and others in this forum have also given, that you did not know what happened until it had happened.
She is getting professional help, but I do not know anything about what is the focus of her discussions. She did not have an alcoholic father like you had, but she did have a difficult home. I knew that and I tried to be supportive, but somewhere along the road I feel I failed in making her forget that and be a happy person. Our lives are now very difficult because there is a lot of frustration. I thank you for your advice regarding opening up to her and to avoid building a wall of mistrust. There is definetely a wall because I am afraid to share my concerns with her. Also, I know that she does not trust me. You are right, but it is very difficult to trust when you suspect that there are secrets kept from you.
If I understand your message, you are from Peru. One of the questions I have had is why I have the feelings I have and I have suspected that my cultural upbringing has a lot to do with it. I discovered a topic initiated by another person from S.A. and wrote her. She offered some very good suggestions, but did not answer my question about how men in my part of the world would react or feel under similar circumstances.
My WW is in fact hurting. I wish I could just forget or have amnesia. I cannot give details because she has read some of my previous posts and has felt hurt. Thanks for your concern and suggestions.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She offered some very good suggestions, but did not answer my question about how men in my part of the world would react or feel under similar circumstances.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that's me...

Now answering your question...(if you are from my part of the world...)

Look, only from the cultural standpoint here, women would take the A as a "normal" thing to happen, and men would just plain leave, if a women had it. That is the preconceptions of society here. Women would take it, man would have it. Now... The reality is another one.

Why me? I don't think there is a one solution fits all. What I think is that sure men to get a bit prideful here than women, maybe not, but that is not important, what I do believe, is that it doesn't depend on the gender to have or to take and A. Anyone can have it, it's just if one of the spouses want to save the M, regarding the gender, it will work out, if the other one awakes up. Men like women, will have mixed feelings and thinking about an A here or any place. There might be a lot to do with this besides society, vows, or gender. I think it has to do with how much do you love yourself, the other and are willing to forgive and get better, even if the circumstances were the worst for recover, that's from the BS side, now from the WS side, I think it has to do with recover the love and respect from her/his spouse, (it was obvious for me my H lost that one).

Also as a side note, I think it has to do with memory. I was told that to be thankful you have to got good memory, and from the M side, remember the good things in the M or in the spouse.

Well, this is funny, I were always the one who had bad memory here, but I kept waiting because I did remember the best on my H, even in this mess, I remembered, and hoped for the best. He just forgot who I was, and decided to give free will to all his selfishness. He was not grateful for what he had, he forgot.

I think this days, he is remembering! Thank God!

Take care

PS: How are things going? Are you willing to forgive? Is your wife doing the right things to recover? Are you into counseling again?

I do hope things work out for you, you have to let go and let God as they say...

<small>[ March 09, 2004, 05:24 AM: Message edited by: matilde ]</small>

Why me:
You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She did not have an alcoholic father like you had, but she did have a difficult home. I knew that and I tried to be supportive, but somewhere along the road I feel I failed in making her forget that and be a happy person. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She may not have had an alcoholic father and you think you knew her situation. You do not really know and she probably does not know it either. That is something that she has to deal with and she may not tell you what she discusses with her therapist perhaps for shame or fear that you may not like what you hear. Be patient with her and let her heal from whatever trauma she has. Unfortunately, some of us have parents who do not deserve that title. I know mine do not and I have to live with that. To them, I am only someone who supports them in their old age.

Listen to what Matilde says in her message. It is so true. Our culture is very male oriented and yes, a woman is expected to forgive and accept her husband's indiscretions. But when a woman does it, she is rejected not only by her husband but by her entire family and she is called the worst things. I was lucky that my husband was an honorable man and did not tell anyone. He has suffered alone, but it he is now like a dead man. He does not want to talk to anyone and he is now a very angry person. He is leaving me and I know he will be better off without me. I love him and I think I would continue to be selfish if I try to keep him. He deserves better. You sound like a logical person and what has happened to you is probably very difficult to accept. But act on your logic and you will see that in forgiving, you will feel better in the end. It may not seem that way now, but it will. If you have children, think how your decisions may affect them. I think Matilde and I can give you views from different sides of the coin. She was betrayed and left her husband and I was the unfaithful one (twice) and now he is leaving me. Do not think like most latin men do. Your wife deserves another chance.

Matilde: Thanks for your reply. I thought no one cared because, truth be told, everyone here is trying to heal from the pain and devastation brought about by extramarital affairs. You said in your post </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think it has to do with how much do you love yourself, the other and are willing to forgive and get better, even if the circumstances were the worst for recover, that's from the BS side, now from the WS side, I think it has to do with recover the love and respect from her/his spouse, (it was obvious for me my H lost that one).</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have asked myself that question and I wonder, how much do I love myself that I have allowed so much to happen? I have never been a self-centered person. I prefer to be humble and quiet, but that has brought me a lot of pain. Forgiveness is important, but how many times do you need to forgive? I think I may have told you previously what I have forgiven and had buried in the past. Someone here suggested that it was my fault never letting her know how much it hurt me before and that perhaps that is one reason she did not respect me. As far as forgiveness is concerned, there are things in her past and our shared past that she has not forgiven herself. She has brought up something that happened over 20 years ago and she emphasizes that it had something to do with her anger (just in case, it did not have to do with an affair but a decision made by the two of us, which I thought was in the past and gone).
You also said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also as a side note, I think it has to do with memory. I was told that to be thankful you have to got good memory, and from the M side, remember the good things in the M or in the spouse.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Memories can be a blessing but can also be a curse. It is precisely memories of beautiful moments that make me very nostalgic and sad. That is when I wish none of this would have happened and nothing would have changed- I am so angry at that %$&*$@ who ruined our marriage. Also, memory can be a curse because I wish i could just forget all the negative stuff.

SOM: Thanks for your suggestions. I think you are right, there may be more pain in her life that she has not shared with me. I thought I knew her, but I was wrong. You hit the nail right on the head. Her parents have strange ideas about what children are. May be they are related to yours (only joking!). Both you and Matilde have pointed out how a man in our culture would have reacted. I always thought of myself as different in that regard. I never believed a man should ever disrespect his wife and have affairs. That is not God's plan. I am trying to be logical but logic may change from one situation to another. Logic is based on each individual's frame of reference. What is logical to you may not be logical to me. You said that your husband did not tell anyone. Did you tell anyone? A friend, etc? For me one of the biggest disappointments has been that others, who I loved and respected, helped her hide what was going on or assisted in some way. I wish someone would have adviced her early on and had been sincere enough to save her and me from all the pain that followed. She is working on her issues and I really hope she gets better. I think your husband had the same worries I have and it is hard to tell others about what one is going through.

Sorry for the threadjack Why me?

First to shame on me:

Why do you think you don't deserve a second chance? Have you talked this to your H? I found out only 2 things about what happened to you. But don't you think that if you make the right things you can save this?

Also, yes I'm a BS, and on dday I asked my H out, but I did not leave him. I waited wich is different, and growed up(I think) (painfully) in this ordeal. My H seems to be out of the fog, and realizing what he missed. We are trying to recover in our own pace. Please pray for us, I will pray for you.

Why me? You are welcome.
Do not confuse things, for sure there is a lot of people in pain here and trying to heal and recover from this, but the lack of responses doesn't mean we do not care, I'm sure a lot of us do. Maybe sometimes, we don't post because we don't have the answers.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have asked myself that question and I wonder, how much do I love myself that I have allowed so much to happen? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To tell you the truth, I still ask me the same question almost daily. For sure I had some serious self-esteem issues,(still working on those), but in the end, I think that also it has to do with the lack of it from my H also. He was the one that needed the validation, and of course I couldn't do nothing!!! The moment he decided to shut me down, and open up himself to OW we were doomed. Heheh I didn't allowed it to happen because I didn't knew!!! Of course, after I knew it kept happening for like 11 more months, but then again I did tryed to end it, all but telling OW's H, and truth be told my H's fog was so thick, that I don't think it would made a difference. So I did in my way, what was best for me. Detaching from it, learn and get better (at least a fair amount of peace, and waited.

As time passed, I realized, that I had a life, that I didn't wanted, M but separated. I couldn't accepted it then, but in the end I was accepting my own reality. For me that was sensless, so I started to detach really good, and was making inquiries for D. Don't get me wrong, I was afraid of D, but I was trying to deal with my life as it was 3 months ago.

Many things happened in the mean time, I was not that co-dependant on my H, and the A was ending and my H was getting out of the fog. That made him wake up, and work on this. Now he is a believer of the MB principles (THANK GOD! 1k times!!!), and the word I listen more like once each day this days is POJA LOL! Can you believe it? Anyway, that is good, I think he also becase aware on "what" was he loosing, and if it was worth it or not.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Forgiveness is important, but how many times do you need to forgive? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I got also problems with this. My answer would be, as many as you need to really forgive!. I think that your wife, will play a VERY important role on this. Her actions, her words, and her showings of love towards you (filling that love bank).

Why me? we are fairly new on this A situation. I'm trying to be obedient, on what I read, and I'm told from more experienced people. Although I do have some very hard moments, forgiving and healing, I was told recovery last at least 2 years. Some days I'm in a hurry and want to give up, I'm afraid and got thoughts like if this will worth it, or will it work?. I don't got the answers, but I will wait the amount of time MB people have told me. God got me into this, he will lead me out of this, and for something I think now better and stronger.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Memories can be a blessing but can also be a curse. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The past is the past, read again what I wrote you about it in the other post. Memories can be like that, but for sure you can pick on what you remember on. It's not to live on denial, but each time you remember something bad, do this excersice and try to put on top of it something good. Your mood will change, and you will see the light in the end of the tunnel. Practice, and after a while the bad memories are going to get away, and only come in spare moments. It does not do you good to keep remembering the bad things.

Take good care

Matilde: Thanks for responding and for detailing your thoughts. To be honest, previously I did not think I had self-steem issues. In fact, I was always very sure of myself and what I could accomplish. That helped me in my professional life and allowed me to progress quickly in my career to the point where I have built an international reputation. Since the discovery of that tragic event, my frame of mind has changed and I doubt myself for many reasons. As a result, all that I have done recently has failed and I am so worried. Part of my problem is that I think too much and all that I do requires focus. May be in your case, being separated that has allowed you to heal and that has also enabled him to see his mistake. I cannot easily do that for two reasons. One, we have small children who would be affected since they need us both. And two, I want to be there to support her and be her friend. All that matters to me is that she feels better about herself and about life in general. She can be a wonderful person, a fine friend and an excellent human being, who unfortunately suffered a lot and who did not have good examples and was not well adviced by those who could have prevented all the mess. I do not resent her, but I am disappointed because of the things she did. She has a wonderful Christian counselor who is helping her a great deal. I only hope that she learns to recognize her talents and finds out what has affected her. If anything that has happened to her is my fault, I would consider myself a total failure in spite of anything else because when I married her my goal was to make her happy and give her all that she deserved. I wanted to make her feel like the queen in my life. It hurts me that she never understood that because if she had she would have felt so secure that nothing would have ever happened.

You also said, "the past is the past" and that is true. That is something that cannot be changed, but our life experiences shape us into who we are. Life events influence our decisions and steer us into one direction or another. I guess what I meant to say in my previous post is that when I remember beautiful memories, I get sad because they are in the past and why they had to go away. I guess that is my nature, I get sentimental and nostalgic easily.

Again, many thanks for responding.

Why me?

My self esteem issues, didn't affected my performance in my work. I think I'm succesful in what I do. I do not got an international reputation, but I do feel ok with it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . It affected me in the way I managed my relationships, and how I perceive people and situations.

My separations, was something I did, because I didn't believe on him. And to tell you the truth it was good because my H was soo much into the A, that being together and with me trying to work on this would only enable him to cake eating. Yes it's sad, and I still have problems beleiving he is the same man a year ago than the man he used to be and he is now. In your case, this is a complete different story. I'm NOT advising you to separate, on the countrary, your wife has woke up. Is working on the things that have to be done and that is great!. You should be thankful for it, it took my H 11 months to do that. I wish I were one of the lucky ones who's H woke on dday. That was not my case. Please acknowledge her changes and help her change. Validate her, she is trying, YOU ARE VERY LUCKY, even if you don't believe it now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If anything that has happened to her is my fault, I would consider myself a total failure in spite of anything else because when I married her my goal was to make her happy and give her all that she deserved. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think this is true, for sure you have affected many things, and that is why I adviced plan A, you have to know in what you contributed to the climate to made the A possible, but it was her choice to have it. Fix your things, and let her fix hers. It's a work that has to be done alone and together. It seems to me she is trying, but you are still so much in pain and hurt, that maybe you are not giving your best? Are you taking antideps? they helped me manage my moods, ask your Dr. That would not make you a lessen man.

Also Why me? I think, that the past shapes us, but don't let this shape you into a bitter man, if anything let it be a lesson also for you, and regarding memories, well take this to make them different, and to make new ones, your life has not ended yet right? then don't wait any longer. Today, I think I lost a full year of my life, in my own sadness and self pitty, but somehow from it, at one point, it made me stronger and a bit (just a bit) wiser, so it was not all a negative balance. I'm not allowing today, to lose more time. I decided to live again and to live as good as I can!. Start working in that as soon as you feel like <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

Take care

In response to Matilde: He already gave me a second chance and I blew it. Early in our marriage I failed him once with someone I had a relationship with at the same time I was engaged to my H. At the time I didn't know why I was acting that way. When we were engaged, he was sent out of the country for 6 months on a job assignment. I started going out with a friend and we kissed. There was no sex because I could not go that far. When my boyfriend returned to Lima, I told him and he was very upset. He actually wanted to kill that man, but I convinced him to let that go, if he really loved me and wanted to be with me. After we were married, one day when I was shopping, I met the other man by accident. He asked me for my number and I, being so stupid, gave it to him. It was not long after that when it happened, what I had not done with him when I was single. It was only once. For months I kept the secret until one day I could no longer live like that and I told him. He was destroyed and left for a week. We had to move to another city because my H could not live with that worry in his mind. Somehow, we returned to a normal life without marital conseling. I think that was my big mistake, I did not think that what happened the first time was that important and what happened later was because of my own insecurity and needs. My husband is a wonderful man, kind, a good father and a good provider. What has happened to me is because I never looked for help and never understood my own problems. It is not his fault. That is why I say that I do not deserve him and he will be in better hands with someone else who does not have the problems I have and that I borught into our lives.

to Why me - I have seen your posts and what you say is so true. It actually made me cry because of all the pain and suffering that you express and at the same time you show a lot of concern for her. You seem like a very good man and remind me a lot of my H. I do not know why some women when we have a good man, we do not see that and we hurt him so much and other women have very bad husbands who do not care about anyone else but themselves. I applaud you for what you are doing, but I agree with Matilde that you should also look for help.
You asked me if I had told anyone and I did. That time when I was keeping the secret, I told a cousin who has been always close to us. I needed to talk to someone. When he found out that she knew, he became very angry with her because she kept it a secret. He has not wanted to see her or talk to her. He prohibited that she come visit us. May be he is right, but I think it is my fault. Why do you ask?
Do not let what happened to you make you a bitter man. Your wife shows that she is trying, let her show you. I have to tell you that what she says is because she is afraid of losing you and she does not mean it. Keep that in your mind and do not judge her by her words. But if she is honest and sincere about her love for you, she will not try to force you to be by her side. I understand that you have a difficult situation and may not feel happy now. That is why I hope my soon to be exH finds someone who can make him happy.

Pray a lot and trust in God. He knows His plan for you. Maybe He is using you to help your wife heal from her past.

whyme, you must be going through a lot of hurting. I empathize with you and can only tell you that I will pray for you. Your words seem to come from someone who is very desillusioned and yet concerned for the well-being of your spouse, in spite of what she has done. You seem well grounded and with a strong Christian background, which should help you pull through during this difficul time. I was once a Christian minister until my spouse was tempted by the devil and fell off God's grace. I was severely traumatized emotionally and has taken a long time for me to feel normal. So, I understand what you are going through. It may seem odd, but when I practiced, I used to counsel couples with problems and I would emphasize that God would help them recover and to stay together. Now, I think it depends on each couple and how healthy the relation can be. I assume that you have read a lot about your situation and you will see the various ways in which people react after they are betrayed by their mates. I think my faith kept me from going crazy, but in the end I could not preach anymore because I felt like a hypocrit. God will be with you and hopefully your wife will be well as you want for God to help her.

Matilde: You are fortunate that your work performance was not affected by your marital difficulties. You must have a tremendous amount of inner strength, especially considering the tremendous turmoil going on there. I have been really affected in unmeasurable ways. You said, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think this is true, for sure you have affected many things, and that is why I adviced plan A, you have to know in what you contributed to the climate to made the A possible, but it was her choice to have it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that I have to share in the blame because if I knew how to make her feel more secure, I think it would have never happened. It is true that it was her choice, but I failed to protect her from that temptation. I really wish I could somehow undo all of it because she has suffered a lot as well for reasons that only she knows. I really feel bad when I see anyone suffer and that has been one of the hardest things.

SOM: Wow, you really messed up. I do not understand why after you saw him suffering and he forgave you, you still did what you did. Did I understand correctly when you said that the person you betrayed him with was a friend who had an emotional affair with you when you were engaged to your current husband? So you cheated him twice with the same person. Did you think that kissing that friend when you were engaged was no big deal? I think it is a very big deal even if you were not intimate with him. I really do not know what to say, except that your husband may have a very hard time believing and trusting you. I asked about if you told anyone else because I have an issue with that. I prefer not go into details here.

To Formerpreacher: Thanks for your encoragement and prayers. Why did you feel like a hipocrit? You were not the one who broke the marriage vows. During your experience in marital counseling, how often did you encouter infidelity and what was the most common outcome? How did you preach forgiveness? and Did you teach the importance of marriage from the pulpit? Please, pray for her also. I ask for your prayers for her as well. She is dealing with so many things now and she does not really have a good mother figure that she can go to for advice.

why me, I am praying for you as well as most people who are going through the pain that sin in marriage causes. To answer your question, although I did not commit the sin, I felt like a hypocrit because I could not preach freely without the guilt of what had happened in my own marriage. I could not advice others about maintaining the covenant with God and their partners because I somehow feel responsible for my wife sinning. I also could not honestly preach about forgiveness because of the feelings that I had. I also felt that I had done enough during my 25 years of service for others, but that may have caused me to neglect my own wife. She also was an active member and teacher of younger women, but ... In my experience, I have seen just about everything. The results are usually tragic in the sense that there is a lot of suffering and disbelief. I estimate that about half of the marriages where there is infidelity fail within two to three years and of the other half, a fraction end up in divorce because of problems in intimacy and trust. I preached forgiveness because Christ taught us to forgive and I think forgiveness helps more the betrayed spouse than the betrayer. It is an integral part of the emotional healing. Do not let the feelings of despair and frustration ruin who you are. How old are you and your spouse? How many children do you have? From your response to the other person, you seem to be troubled over her sharing secrets with other persons other than you. That happens a lot and it is usually a barrier in building trust. She should realize the importance of total honesty and understanding your feelings. I agree with your answer to SOM that kissing other person, even if there is no sex, is still infidelity. My prayers are with you and your wife.

Why me, yes. I made a big mistake in allowing that to happen. The first time I cheated on my H when we were engaged there was no intimacy. There was kissing, but it still was cheating and lying to him. I understand that now after therapy. It was my mistake in not accepting this sooner. I do understand why he cannot trust me. I hurt his so much and I want him to be happy, which he cannot be by my side. Since you do not want to give details why you have an issue with others knowing, I guess it is because you are the type of person who wants to keep your problems private and you think that if she told someone else she betrayed that privacy. That really bothered my H also. I really feel so stupid for telling my cousin and not going to a professional first. I could have talked to my friend who is a therapist and a very good one. Has your wife found the root of her problems? Is her therapist helping her with that?

To Former Preacher: I thank you for your prayers. There are times when I really need them. The information that you have given me is similar to what I have read in other places. My question to you was on what where your experiences with people who were Christians or in your congregation or denomination. What is your denomination? As far as frustration is concerned, I really feel it a lot because all along I thought I was doing things right. After her affair, she expressed many things that bothered her. I have regarded most of what she has said as excuses with no foundation, but there is something that happened over 21 years ago when we were newlyweds that now she says that has bothered her. I guess I had blocked that incident out of guilt, but now after she tells me constantly, I am feeling very guilty. The situation is a pregnancy termination at a time when neither of us had a job. We were all alone and I was going to school. It was still a sin that we left behind and I thought when she became a Christian a few months after that she understood that it was like being born again. I feel terrible and I try to block it, but no matter what I try to do to feel normal, she says things that really cause me to withdraw and impact on my emotional health. I try and try to dig myself from this misery and I want to feel better, but when I see her sad or when she says the things that she says, I feel like I am being pulled deeper into this black hole. Please, pray for both of us.

SOM: I do not know anything about how her therapy is going. She discusses ver little and I do not know that she has openly discussed any issues except those that have to do with me. I am not a professional in this field, but I suspect that it has a lot to do with her previous family life. She has parents who behaved in some ways like yours did and still do not act like parents or grandparents. I know it is not her fault, but those experiences not only affected her. Thanks for your concern and hope things are going better for you.

I am a Baptist and my experiences in the Church is what I used to give you those numbers. In non-Christians the numbers are actually worse. I highly encourage forgiveness because resentment can be very damaging. I speak from experience of what it did to me. What you say happened a long time ago and both of you were forgiven through the grace of God. If she did not understand that, she may have trouble forgiving herself and others. It was a mistake and there were other options that you could have considered, but you should remember that God forgave you and you need to forgive yourself. It seems that you are in a difficult situation and her actions are not helping you to recover. You may need some time away from each other. Paul in the letter to the Corinthians suggested that husbands and wives should be apart sometimes after mutual consent to devote themselves to prayer. Do not judge her because I am sure she feels bad and her actions and words are not hers, but her guilt in action. In your response to the other person I understand that she may have been hurt by others. May be God is using you as his tool to help one of His children to recover from a troubled past. If she has siblings, do not be surprised if they have had to battle similar problems, but they may not be blessed in having a supporting Christian spouse. It would be helpful if she expressed her feelings on this forum so that others may help her. May the Lord be with you.

I am not feeling well today. The divorce hearing date is now set and now I see what I have done. I pray that he can recover and be the person he was once. I will focus on my children. You should read the post that says Let go and let God. It is inspiring. Please look carefully at what the preacher says, do not judge her. You can't judge people like her or like me if you do not know what is like to have parents that are poison. I am sorry that you had that experience about terminating a pregnancy a long time ago. No one can judge the motives. I do not believe in abortion, but there are times when it may be the best instead of bringing a unwanted child into this world. Others may say that adoption is best, but then the parents will always be wondering how the child is or what kind of parents adopted that child. I especially think it is better this way because I feel I was not wanted by my parents. I think she is not thinking clearly when she brings that up to make you feel worse than you already feel. Do not let that hurt you. My advice is pray, pray and pray. In my case, I will stay hopeful that my husband will give me one more chance even though I know he has a chance to be happier with someone else- this is very hard to say. I will just put my life in God's hands. Let Him be your guide.