to shame on me:

Do you think is there anything we can do to help you? I'm very sorry this is happening to you. Can you maybe lead your H to this site? Maybe call Steve Harley? or talk to any experienced ppl from here? I know you gave up hope, but sometimes perseverance can lead to different results?

to Why me?

Hummmm I'm very sorry you are here, believe me, but I see, that sometimes you flame the WS's, believe me when I say that I have done that also in the past out of hurt, and maybe this is also your pain talking. Pleae stop, and try to see also the other side of the coin. If this happened, it did for a reason. You can not do much to change your W, but you can do a lot to change yourself. Take advantadge of what has been given to you, even in this hurtful times you are passing by. If the sky is poring lemons, learn to do lemonade. I know is not easy, tell me about it. It has to pass a full year for me to finally understand that, and I'm not even at the begining of my recovery.

But I'm learning, I'm trying this time really hard to listen, if I don't I won't learn anything new and that didn't helped me in the past. I'm trying to be "low profile", I know I don't know it all. And yes, that also meant my H's feelings pre-during and post A.

That I still have a lot of fears and resentments? yes!, That is really hard to forgive? yes!, but it takes a lot of good will to recover from both parts. From what I see in your posts, your wife has a lot of it, but your resentment is playing a big part in your recovery, and is blinding you.

I'll pray for you

Matilde, I wish there was something that could be done for my H. I told him about marriage builders, but he is very frustrated and angry. He does not want to listen to anyone and I do not blame him. He talked to my therapist once but he felt he only wasted his time. I do not want to give up hope, but we already have a divorce hearing scheduled. I do not want to do more damage to him and I know he will feel better with someone else. He does not want to know anything about women in general because he now thinks that we all behave the same. I allowed my past rule my marriage and it is not fair to him. I am afraid to build my hopes of reconciliation because it may hurt me more when he leaves. How are you doing? Is your H showing you signs of wanting to really reconcile with you? You sound like you have learned a lot and can help others with your experience and I will try to follow your advice. I feel sorry for why me because he seems to be like my H, but his situation is more difficult because his wife is really using a very bad approach. I also see a lot of me in her and understand her. I wish I could give her advice based on my experience.

Shame on me

I'm going to be away tomorrow, for sure there is something you or anyone can do. I will try to get in touch on sunday when I come back. Let's open a new hread for you and do not threadjack why me? ok?

Take good care

Matilde, I initiated a thread several months ago, but I guess people do not take to well to those of us who have been unfaithful. My original thread is my story. The reason I became interested in what why me was saying was because I see some similarities in our cases and I thought that by learning from what he says I may understand how my H thinks. Now that my H has decided he no longer wants to be with me, I hope I can convince why me that he and his wife need a second chance. I feel very bad about what I have done to my H and my children who both adore him.

Why me, please try to convince your wife to come in here and learn from others with similar experience. You sound like an intelligent person and I know you are hurting deeply. If she does not understand what she has done and if there is time, maybe we can help. Trust in God and all will be better.

Shame - I suspect that she is already reading some of the information on this site and some of the posts. She has told me so and she does not agree with what is said here. I do not know if she has seen your story, but she has read others. I agree that there are similarities, but if you look at each case separately, you will always find similarities. Although what you may learn new things from each case, the solutions and response of each person will also be different because we are all different. What is going to happen with your children? How are they handling the situation? I think you said your husband lost his job. Has he found a new one? You think he maybe better off with someone else, but I think you are wrong. He may have a difficult time trusting againg to the point of being able to commit to a new relationship. Then again, we are all different.

Brother, you as well as many of us in this forum have received one of life's hardest blows to our soul. I see the pain in your words, but I have seen how your messages reflect a man who feels hopelessness. I know it is very difficult, but do not let happen to you what happened to me. I lost the enjoyment I found daily working in the ministry. As hard as it may be, do not lose your motivation to go on and be positive. Your spouse has no idea of what she has done and she probably never will. But very likely she has also suffered a lot. I seem to remember that you stayed with her and never left. Sometimes a little time away is good for both persons to reflect and pray for each other. You offer sound advice to others, but sometimes it seems you have some deep seated anger. I will continue to pray.

To Formerpreacher, I assume the message is to me. Yes, it is probably one of the hardest things in life that I would not wish on anyone and it takes a lot of your emotional well-being. I am trying to recover day by day and find the motivation to go on. I need to do it for the good of my family. I think I understand why it became difficult for you to continue working as a preacher. Our preacher was about to quit his job, not for the same reason, but because one of his children acted in an ungodly manner. I think she understands now, but not all because I do not express what I feel. I initially used this forum to ask questions, learn and to express some of what I feel. But, she somehow knows how to look for what I write and she gets offended and feels sad. So, I am going to stop posting here because it is no longer a place where I can express my emotions without somehow causing her to feel sad. I will now say good-bye.

Why me,
it is very difficult to preach to others when something like this has happened to you. I am sorry that you are deciding to stop using this vehicle to help your emotions. Is she really upset? I am not sure how to interpret her reactions, but maybe she is not upset at you and she is just sad that what happened is making you feel unhappy. Otherwise, it maybe a mechanism of controling you, which I doubt. I have seen your response to Comingaround and i understand more your situation. It is very sad and I understand how you feel. See the story of InGreatPain, which somehow is similar to yours. Will continue to pray for you.

To why me: where are you? I saw your last posting. Are you really not coming back to the forum? That is too bad because you can ask for advice and express your feelings, which is something that you need to do. How did she find what you wrote? Why did she not like it? There is nothing in what you have writen that may be offending. I wish my H had taken advantage of this forum and perhaps he could have released some of the pain I caused him and would have gotten useful advice. I believe you may have a manipulative wife who does not like to accept responsibility for what she has done to you. Do not let her emotions keep you from expressing yourself. I behaved like she is doing it the first time until my H pardoned me the first time. I feel like such a fool and ungrateful for not seeing how much he loved me and I did it again.

Formerpreacher: I thought writing in here was helpful, but if it causes her pain, I do not want to do it. I agree, she is not upset at me but at the state of our lives. She is not controlling me because I am old enough to decide for myself. I feel we are just living day by day and making an effort to go on. Thanks for your prayers.

Shame: I am still around, but I do not write because of what I already said. When I see her sad, it hurts me also. I do not know how she knows what I write, but I initially send her the information about the forum so that she would see how others deal with similar problems and what advice they get. Your suggestions about expressing my emotions is very difficult because I do not want to cause pain to anyone and especially to someone who is close to me. I am sorry that you are recognizing the prize to pay for not recognizing early what you had. But, had you considered the emotional prize that your H had to pay to have to live through it? Unless you live it you never know what it does to every aspect of your life. Maybe there is still hope for you.

why me, I have seen your messages and I am sorry the pain that you are having to bear. Be strong and patient. I also suggest that you continue to express your feelings. Holding them back will not help you. What your wife is doing is common. Cheaters want to feel they are in control of the situation at all times and in that way avoid the embarrasement of being caught. I found some of your earlier postings and I think I understand your situation. You said that she had a painful past and sadly, it is common in persons with such repressed feelings and memories to feel insecure and to need more attention than most. I have dealt with many cases like your in my many years of experience as a therapist. The comment you made about the terminated pregnancy, it is unlikely to have anything to do with your situation since it happened so long ago. The purpose of this forum and of therapy is to try to keep families together. That is what I motivate my patients to do. I need to ask a couple of questions: Have you spent any time apart from each other to meditate and pray about your experience? Do you think that the children have kept you apart and that may have coused her to need attention from someone else? How old are you both? Hope you find the answers to the questions that trouble you and you find yourself once again.

To Helpinghand: what kind of therapist are you? Is that family therapist? Are you affiliated with a church? I prefer not to expose my feelings here anymore for reasons that I already explained. We have not been apart except briefly for business travel. I think the children have nothing to do, instead they have brought us together because we both love our children. Why do you ask for our ages? What does age have to do with anything? In any event, we are in our early 40s.

WM: Yes, I am a family therapist. Yes, I am a Christian. I see from your answer that you think first about others before you think of yourself. You need to express what you feel, otherwise it can lead you to feel bitter. The reason I asked about your ages is to get some more information that may help. Betrayal is very painful at any age, but at yours it can have serious effects due to physiological and emotional changes at mid-life. Did your spouse complain about changes in sex drive on your part that may have caused her to look in another man? Those are things that can be treated and you should ask your doctor. What I am concerned is about your emotional health. You have worked hard to provide and to give a nice life to those around you and you probably feel like that was ignored by her and it is a slap on the face. That is normal to feel that way. She needs to understand your feelings. Protecting her emotions will not allow her to understand fully what she has done. Has she cut communication with the other man? That is extremely important. Then, you have to think about putting that in the past and move on. Learn to forgive and start again. God bless you.

Why-me: Are you there? Are things OK with you? We are praying for you.

Looks like you may not need any help, since you have not posted any more. God bless!

To helpinghand, it is not that I do not need any help. I do, but I come to realize that no one can give it. I do not write because my WW reads the forum and she feels hurt, so I prefer to keep my feelings inside. I have been very busy and have been able to keep many things away from my mind. How do you work with clients who have lost their motivation? Thanks for your concern.

Keeping things to yourself is not the answer. If you feel you can't post here then start seeing a IC. It's important to be able to say the things you want to say in a safe enviroment. You need to do this for yourself and for your W (believe it or not).

Speaking from experience, I can honestly say I wouldn't have recovered personally or maritally with out the help of MC and an IC. Give it some serious thought.

Why-me: I am glad to see that you are back. Do not be afraid to express what you feel. Try from time to time to schedule time to talk to her and tell her what you feel. Start with little things. Since you are under the same roof, you did not have time away from one another to sort your feelings. You have to heal yourself first before you are ready to move on to recovery and reconciliation. I would suggest that you find time away for yourself to do things that you like, go somewhere, take a cruise, just remove yourself from the daily environment and reflect on what you can do differently. Her continuous presence does not allow those painful thoughts of what she did go away. She does not need to see you sad. On the contrary, show her that you can be happy and can have fun independently of her. She will realize who she was willing to give up. I went back to some of your posts and I believe what some of the problem may be. Regarding the things that she may have said that is a self-defense mechanism that many wayward spouses use. She IS NOT wanting to hurt you when she says that, she is just protecting herself and that includes that experience from a long time ago. She has problems with insecurity and anger that is not toward you but to what has happened to her in the past. She is susceptible to anyone who can show her some attention and that explains her past and recent actions. Keep in mind that the person that you see unfortunately is reflecting traits that are in one or both of her parents. Be patient and, again, make the time to heal yourself. Above all, do not keep your emotions bottled up.

Why-me, I see you are posting again. That is good. Hope you are doing better. You are getting very useful advice and I encourage you to consider it. Continue to express yourself. You need to recover your self-identity. I also suggest some time for yourself, away from everything. How is she doing? Is she seeing her IC? For the good of your family, she should really examine her thoughts and feelings. She needs to contribute to the healing process by making an effort to change. As helpinghand says, she is still susceptible. Was there infidelity by one her parents? Does she have siblings with similar problems? Continue to pray for you both.