Here is the latest in my saga. One thing my wife and I definitely have in common is our preference to leave voice messages for each other when we want to "communicate" our feelings. Neither of us are very comfortable actually talking on the phone to each other right now.
In keeping with this, at 11:24 pm last night my wife left me two long messages. I did not get them until I got to work this morning (guess she really didn't want to risk me answering the phone)
She said that she does not like it when I tell the kids they should pray that we will be together again as a family and that it is my desire to move home with the family again. She seems to think I am bringing this stuff out of thin air. She complained that one of the main reasons she asked me to leave the house in July was because I was somehow using the children, or involving them where I shouldn't be. She also complained that I should not have done things like point out where he would be going to school if he lived with me...
She then made it clear that I should stop encouraging them that we will reconcile, because "we are not getting back together". This is the interesting part: she then ended the first message by saying what she always says after making a strong anti-reconciliation statement. That is, she then said, "God will need to work a miracle or change my heart for us to get back together". She then mentioned something about "if we were to get back together in 20 years and it worked out, great, but at this time I do not see it happening". For the life of me, why can't she just **** or get off the pot. I've had it with these double messages. I know she is confused, but...
In the second message she said that "we'll always be a family" even when divorced, and our goal should be to be a happy family. What a pile of crap. I can't see us as a family, let alone a happy one if divorce were to occur!
In the last part of the second message, wife asks if I have done anything about the divorce, because I want one. Want one? Is she kidding? When we had our heart to heart talk mid-November (about the same time she got her contraceptives it seems), I asked her why she wanted to pursue a separation rather than a divorce, as she was pushing a separation agreement on me. I never said I want a divorce, in fact I have told her at least 10 times I do not want a divorce and will not initiate one.
Anyway, this gave me an opportunity to call her back and basically go against everything I said on this and the Just Found Out forum over the past few days. I decided I would lovingly question her about her seeing someone else (I have pretty good evidence, but I am not entirely convinced quite yet). I decided I would also leave her two long voice messages. The first one dealt with the children issue and the divorce question, and the second message gave me an opening to nicely ask her if she is involved with someone.
With respect to the first message, I said that the three youngest children repeatedly ask me why I am not living at home and ask when I will come home. My answer is always the same. I say that mommy does not want me to live at home right now, then I say that if they want me home they should ask God to make it happen. I realize that by my children telling my wife this, it might put her into a corner and it might make her feel like I am controlling her. Comments? If I am, I will stop immediately. I am just not going to put my children in the same position my wife is currently in - still not knowing why her parents split up when she was young.
I told my wife that I would not stop her from pursuing a divorce, but that I would not do it. I said that I would not risk waking up in 10 years regretting my decision and knowing I have grieved God, our families, each other and our children. I did mention that if she initiated a divorce, we would have to make a decision about the house, because "you have our house, you have our vehicle, you have our children, and I have nothing".
In the second message, I said that I have wanted to ask her a question for many weeks and that, for my own well-being, I need to know if she is involved with someone else. I reiterated the importance of honesty and open communication and asked her to give me an answer soon, but preferably when she is comfortable.
I have been waiting for a voice message all day, but think she will probably wait until late tonight before calling back - maybe later in the week. Even if she denies any affair, I know I feel better having asked her. Sure, it may put her more on the defensive if she is lying, but that is a risk I will take. I also told her that if she is involved with someone else, that I would forgive her. If not, wonderful. Either way, my desire is to work on the marriage.
Please think of me (and pray for me) as I await word from my wife, perhaps soon to be referred to exclusively as the WS.
Thanks.
Shaken
