i thought i had the perfect marriage, we have been together 15 yrs and are best friends, we also have 3 beautiful children.
I just dont know what to believe. I want to believe him so much. Heres a short version of the saga.
On sat night i discovered some e-mails from a strange name in his pc, my husband works in america 6 on, 6 off, and i, here in australia, looking after the kids and the farm on my own.
He is working himself to the bone to provide his family with the best life, one he never had.
I confronted him, he diddnt deny it, i think i know the whole story, he has told his family, i have been thru all the emotions and he says it was only once, a stupid drunken night with the boys picking her up at the pub, what do i think? what do i believe? the trust is gone, i love him still but i dont think im getting the whole truth. He had pleaded, begged, wants counselling, and says he cant believe even he was capable of something such as this, and i do believe this.
I dont believe he would tell his family and friends if this wasnt true, and i am impressed by this. has anyone found out about a "just once" fling?
i would love to hear as it seems to be all ongoing affairs here, not the prooven, "once only" thing.
Thanks,
Jodie.

Jodie,

Welcome to the forum. My husband has had two drunken nights in our marriage. Once early on...and then one about two years ago. In some ways...it's an advantage, because the lack of emotional involvement means it was over before it even started. Your marriage can and probably WILL survive this. Please order a copy of "Surviving and Affair" and start learning how you can rebuild trust and accountability in your marriage. The other thing you are going to have to SERIOUSLY consider....and it may mean VERY hard decisions....is the work situation. There is far too much opportunity for a repeat performance when the two of you spend half of your life apart. I KNOW....because that's the life I have lived. My marriage was good...and I was a good wife....but the external stress put upon our marriage by all the separations continues to be the biggest obstacle we must tackle. I would not face recovery again without a commitment from my husband to change his job situation....we are working on doing it now. It may mean we take a cut in finances....but what's money compared to our marriage?

Hi Jody

I haven't been in your exact position but thought I would reply and wish you strength. You can come through this no matter what the conclusion is - if you are prepared to fight then do it until your last breath.

Take strength from the number of people on here who have done the same and come through to better times.

Katie

JHO: Whether it was just once or 3 years, the path to recovery is the same. The only difference is that the longer the affair lasts, the more lies that are told, and the more re-lapses one has, the less remorse that is shown, the longer it takes to recover and the harder it is. So, yours should be a relatively less difficult recovery, providing he is telling you the whole truth now. You can tell him that if he wants you to recover he needs to give you the whole truth now - if you discover it later, it will be harder for you. I would like to add that based on personal experience, you can not only recover, but you can have a better marriage than before. That said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. To recover, do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

thankyou for your replies. yes the work situation is terrible, but my opinion is that there will always be opportunity, and i might as well hand him the rope, i cant keep him here forever in my sight. Also this way, i will know if it is the truth, and if i have a marriage worth keeping.
Call me stupid, but i just as i write, e-mailed her, i sais i needed to know, that i couldnt stay with him if he was lying (she doesnt know he is married to me), and why their relationship ended. i am hoping and so scared at the same time, of her reply, but i need to know the truth, and i am hoping she wont try and protect him, as i know she was very annoyed, to put it lightly, when he told her he diddnt want a relationship. (he did not tell her he was married or had children, for fear of her telling me). 90% of my heart believes his word, but the other 10% says their is more to this that he may never tell me, my heart says drop it, my head says check it out and dont leave a stone unturned. I love him deeply and i dont want to find out there is more to this, i can see he is hurting telling me things about the night they spent together, as he doesnt want me to hurt, but is he just getting away with it if i am still here??
oh god, im going mad!
Jodie.

Sounds very hopeful to me. He is sorry, has confessed to his family, and didn't deny everything. Most lie about it, don't appear to be sorry and hide from their family.

You are in the early stages, and will go through lots of pain, anger, and changes. Keep reading here. It will get you through.