Hello folks,
After the last 3 years of being lied about, abused, asked to move from my home & kids, used, dragged into court for the 1st time ever, belittled, etc. buy the women I married 20 years ago. Up until this insanity began we had the type of family everyone admired. For approximately 2 1/2 years I have been forced from our home 3 times. I have tried everything to get my family of 5 back together. There has been about 20 different occasions where my kid's & I really believed the med's had finally worked or God slipped into her heart and made her realize what she was doing. Last week I finally found the truth about the adultry, and everything now looks different. I have rationalized everything up till now, as she has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and Bulimia since this all began. I believed deep down all this time she would get better, & my family would be happy again. But now my son has recently moved out, my 17 year old daughter is moving in with me as we speak, and my 10 year old daughter is my world, and is wicked angry at her MOM. The weirdest part is I had been e-mailed, called etc. by girlfriends of hers on 4 occasions pertaining to this guy, all the way back to when she got crazy. After confronting my kids MOM, and this fellow by e-mail, I believed what she told me about falling out of LOVE. Plus this guy is a 62 Y.O old man. My 17 Y.O daughter asked me if he was that OLD MAN who sits at MOM's work with his nasy's hanging out. Morbid, Id say, as she's only 38 Y.O. herself. Well if anyone wants to give some feedback, advise, anything I'm here.
Thanks,
Frosty

Steven

I am assumming she has chosen to be with this man over you...or at least she thinks she no longer loves you because of him and you need to move out and let her "find herself".

What do you know about the other man...besides the obvious age difference? Does he have a history of these types of affairs? Is he wealthy?

Steven when you scan this board you will see a wide variety of betrayed spouses. Some have only endured betrayal in the form of a one night stand or a non physical emotional affair or internet relationship.

On the side of the coin some that have found out about 10 plus years of infidelity, or multiple affairs or even gender confusion affairs (same sex affair partner).

The sad thing here is that so many have been touched by the pain you are feeling some far less some far more. But the pain itself is pretty much universal....its overwhelming and often all consuming.

At this point I really beleive you should seek professional help for you, for the kids, for your marriage and if she will let you for your wife. Yes I know she must have had some treatment based on the bi-polar diagnosis and bulimia but she might need even more therapy.

There are different views on what to do upon finding out about an affair. Some ranging from being loving and supporting, meeting the wayward spouses unmet emotional needs and so on. Others more of a tough love approach where you disengage from a spouse in an affair in hopes of forcing the wayward spouse to come to their senses.

Many of these approaches have been documented as being highly successful.

But they all require that mental problems or addictions are addressed first.

So read up others will post here those plans and strategies. But don't limit yourself to this board. There are several best sellers on infidelity such as Surviving An Affair authored by the sponsors of this board the Harleys, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass, After An Affair by Janis Spring, Torn Asunder by Dave Carder to name just a few. Most of these can be readily purchased at Amazon.com or Books A Million either on the web or at one of their brick and mortar stores.

Hang in there things like this can turn on a dime. The "rollercoaster" you are on has been heavily ridden and most do survive it. Your willingness to seek advice and support on this board is a huge step. It also shows that deep down you are the kind of person with internal strength to try and save your marriage and your family...you might not feel strong at this moment but simply hanging in there takes a world of courage and fortitude.

Keep us posted.

Dear Stunned,
I found a letter on the house computer while my 10 YO was showing me some stuff she had written. After we saw it, I went back to the bedroom I was actually asked to come renovate by my kids MOM. I stewed in my head& heart about it until she came in from { Supossedly Xmas shoppin } I asked her calmly about this scenario, as I had 3 times prior. I just don't think I could believe the e-mails and a call I had recieved from friends of hers at work, because I had known about the Mental Health diagnosises for some time, and I knew he was wicked old. I just think I rationalized everything out of Love, and hope, and the fact that she has been in treatment and on all the Med's { Paxil, Depakote, Sersone, neurontin, wellbutrin,} for a long time. I also had a couple years of Psycology back in college in the 70's and loved it. I have also studied the Disorder endlessly, to try & help her, But now I can actually figure out why she lied about me so much. And she tried so hard to get these same close people to believe her story's, even my kids. my two older kids were thrown in the middle of this madness at one time or another by thier Mom. It was breaking there hearts seeing what Mom was doing to Dad, but I begged them to just keep quiet, and help her as much as possible. I mean during our 20 years, there wasn't even one single incident of abuse towards her. Her family was around a real lot over our relationship, and due to the madness they saw, living in the projects, and thier Mom getting wailed on by two different fathers, along with ton's of un-imaginable situations, I swore I'd never letmy kids see anything of the sort. She's got 4 brothers { 3 hooked on OC's, & 1 a bad drunk } & each & every one of them on many occasions, has said to me " I would have knocked her out if I were you } The main thing I've been feeling since the truth, as I have been living away from my family, almost a year, wondering how & why she lied so much. Now i can almost let go, ya know. I used to worry about her 24--7 and al the other physical problems she's got. Plus, on many occasion she seamed to be the old WOMEN, we all loved. What I am saying is, I have beat the crap out of myself wondering if some of the crap she has said was true. So many situations from our past are seen from an oposite perspective by this woman. During a few of those times this past summer, she talked about how sorry, guilty, etc, she felt. And I assumed she meant kicking me out, asking for divorce, the kids. Now all the hurting herself, and lies, all make some kind of sense. It was either try to turn people close against me, or risk being caught in this morbid sharade. I'm gonna stop here, and see if anyone has some feedback, OK.
Thanks,

SJ: Read "Surviving an Affair". Read ALL Harley's Q&A columns on infidelity, starting Here. Affairs are addictions. Addicts do some very "crazy" things. It's possible that the real source of her symptoms is her addiction.

<small>[ January 07, 2004, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

I've gotta ask - what does "nasys" mean?

You need to move on and focus on yourself and your children. Otherwise you will allow her to tear apart and scar your family even more. Your children need at least one parent who is mentally stable to help them back to some normalcy in their lives.

Steven J. I have resisted posting when it comes to "professional" question because of the crap that is happening in my own life. I am an RN who has many years of psychiatry (inpatient) under my belt. There are alot of questions that need to be asked but I won't due to confidentiality. I do want to say that if your wife was diagnosed with Bi-Polar (manic-depression), there is a very fragile balance between medications that needs to be taken into consideration (mood stabalizers and anti-depressents). Is she currently seeing a psychiatrist? The simple answer would be that her meds need to be adjusted but often with mental illness these days there may be a co-morbid factor...some other symptom that can be addressed. There were no anti-psychotics mentioned in her list of meds, this maybe some thing that she and you need to explore with her MD. Let me know if you need more questions answered as I am here alot! God Bless.

Sevenselves

Thanx Seven,
When you mention a Co-Morbid factor, does that mean an IZM, or abuse as a child. Plus her meds have changed approx. 10 times since she began. Ya see, I have rationalized the hurt, pain, loneliness, hoping these so-called med's would kick in. She actually denies the Bipolar to everyone else. Since I found that letter about loving this other guy { 62 YO }, I've kind of stopped caring about my kids MOM's issues and back operations and all the problems I have worried about the entire time away from my family. The night I confronted her with this letter, she got manic and began ranking me out, but at the same time admitting an affair way back to the beginning. When all the madness started approx. 2 years ago, she had just gone back to work as a waitress. She started hanging out { CLOSE } with a couple of doosies. All of a sudden, it was nightclubs, sneakyness, out till way past the time these clubs were closed. Now this click at the BICKFORDS rest. was an odd bunch. Older guys, { LIKE OLD } and every woman involved was either divorced or single with 3 kids from different men etc. As I think back now and realize the Bipolar was running rampad way back then. Plus for almost a year she was Bulimic & anorexic. Then she joked about divorce, and eventually everything went crazy. Little did I know the adultery had begun at that time frame. One of the " friends " she worked at the rest. with, sent me an e-mail telling me about mykids Mother with this guy. I got angry and confronted her & him, and the lie was good enough, as I couldn't imagine my wife with a guy 60 YO. 7-8 months later is when she was admitted for Bulimia.

Steven sorry for being away so long.

I found some info I had bookmarked regarind eating disorders. It links it to some of the long term affects of child abuse if not treated:

http://www.ncptsd.org/facts/specific/fs_child_sexual_abuse.html

What are the possible long-term effects of child sexual abuse?
If child sexual abuse is not effectively treated, long-term symptoms may persist into adulthood. These may include:

PTSD and/or anxiety
Depression and thoughts of suicide
Sexual anxiety and disorders
Poor body image and low self-esteem
The use of unhealthy behaviors, such as alcohol abuse, drug abuse, self-mutilation, or bingeing and purging, to help mask painful emotions related to the abuse

seven is probably correct in saying there may be a number of things happening at the same time with your wife. Some things are known like her being bi-polar or clinically depressed but others factors could be at work as well.