This is my first post so bear with me. I am a 32 YO male with a wife of same age. We have a three yo son. Last week at a New Year's Eve party, I caught my wife kissing a nighbor of ours, who is a casual acquaintance of mine through work.

I confronted them as to what I saw and they both denied. However, upon return to my home I gain confronted my wife at which time she denied having done anything. Then she told me she had kissed him, but it was none of my business, laughed at me and told me it wasn't the first time she had cheated on me. I reacted shamefully and slapped her.

She reacted more angrily and began to further make fun of and degrade me. I threatened to go to other man's wife and tell her everything, at which point my wife calmed down and told me all. Her portryal of events, was that three years prior in our marriage she had kissed another man, but it had continued no further. The relationship with this current man had been going on regulrlay for several months, predicated by a kiss two years ago at party I did not attend. She maintains that the extent of the affair was kissing, and nothing else including heavy petting.

I confronted the ohter man but did not tell his wife, at my wfe's request. However, I held the threat of telling his wife over his head to ensure that I got what I considered to be the entire story out of him. Both of their stories matched, so I feel my wfe is being honest with me.

In the ftermath the morning fter, my wife was going through shame and guilt ofver the relationship. I was going through shock and shame at my slap the night before. We agreed that the only way to move ahead was to truly forgive one another. From her side, for the neglect and indifference she felt from me that caused the affair. From my side, the drop the baggage and resentment I felt towards her regarding the affair.

I have been able to successfully o this, and subsequently I have felt an upswelling of emotion and physical desire for my wife. She however, is somehwat withdrawn, and wants to take things more slowly. She says we need to get to know one another again, and rebuild out trust. She also has lost a certain sense of safety around me.

My wife's lack of emotional reconnection is huring me deeply, and Ia am trying my best to be patient and to give her some space. However, I am feeling that I am being penalized for her indiscretion. I also feel betrayed that I have relased and forgived her the affair and other baggage I have carried along, but I feel she isn't meeting me haf way.

I hope this isn't rambling, but any advice would help.

Thanks,

Struggling

Trilogy,

Welcome to the forum. This sounds like a huge wake up call for the two of you. My suggestion is to get a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs" and get a good counselor. I recommend the Harleys or cerri. You two need a good recovery plan that includes the Four Rules of a Successful Marriage

Read the information on the homesite and start asking questions. I would also suggest the book "Love Busters" to start out with so that the two of you can stop hurting each other.

Good Luck <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hello,

I think you are making a huge mistake by not telling the OM's wife. This man has been cheating with your wife for the past few months. He is your neighbor. Apparently it was very easy for your wife to fool you. You need to inform the OM's wife or the chances of it continuing will increase. It is essential that all betrayed spouses know of the affair. It does seem odd that a married woman would only engage in "heavy petting." I would be very suspicious of her story.
I would think she probably had discussed this with the OM and said if they get caught just say it was heavy petting. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you want to be told? In short, I think you are allowing the OM to continue the affair in the future because there has been no consequences to his action. I think it is a big mistake. The Harley's believe this should be done.

I think you are being very naive. A planned story between the two of them is very likely. You are indeed making a huge mistake not letting his spouse know. She may be able to share any behavioral changes on his part that she may have ignored or he may have a history. I would keep a close eye on your wife and think about hiding an ID caller in the house to find whether he is calling her when you are not there. Do not let your guard down. I have been there and I was too trusting.

mr. T,
i have no wish to rub salt in the wound or beat a dead horse but hitting your wife for any reason is so totally out of bounds that it just can't be passed off! people don't hit other people for any reason ever! if it were me, i would get my @ss into anger therapy by "yesterday!" please understand...this is no minor issue!

as for your wifes acts and attitude...if you think that this is over then i'm afraid you're in for a rude awakening. so sorry.

for openers you simply must tell the OM's wife. and yes! your wife will be very angery but so what? she did the deed so now she needs to face up to the consequences...as does the OM! her anger by the way is a text book response...so if it were me i would just ignore it.

and how about a NO CONTACT letter? are you willing to have a social relationship with this OM..allowing he and your wife to go on together as naighbors and friends? are you kidding? these two should never see, speak or be togther ever again for any reason...and if she truly wants to make things right, she should not object to this simple rule.

this one you really won't like hearing but if it were me, not only his wife would be told but all your friends and naigbors as well. nothing destroys the romance in these sordid little flings like the cold light of truth! let every know! her family included! you don't stop this kind of thing by giving her a pass...you only allow her to escape the consequences of her acts.

if you want to save this marriage it sounds like the two of you have a long road to travel and much work to do. please don't sweep this under the rug so that you can feel the comfort of life "getting back to normal." please confront the problem now and help your marriage to become more and better.

coach

All,

I appreciate the responses. My wife is adamant about not rupturing this guys family since he has 4 children. I agree that my slapping my wife was inexcusable, and it validates her feeling of "un-safety."

However, I can't continue a suspicious mindset. We have both pledged to forgive each other the past, and there were some issues of mine that she had carried forward. I have never cheated on my wife. I believe that all she did was kiss this man. The situation regarding the OM's wife is difficult o face, especially since I made a commitment to her that I wouldn't unless I find that A) she talks or communicateds in any fashion with OM or b) I find that they have been in the same room, or building together. We live in a small town (30,000), and the social circle is relatively small. Several of our close friends know, including the OM's immediate neighbors.

I'm struggling with my wife's lack of desire for intimacy foremost. We had sex the morning after the discovery, but since she has been withdrawn, alluding to the fact that I slapped her, and her inability to feel safe. Am I being suckered here?

I appreciate the responses, and keep them coming. I have to trust my wife, and I want to change to give her the intimacy and attention she needs, but I don't feel like I'm being met half-way.

Tonight will be the week anniversary of the event.


Thanks again for the help.

Trilogy

All,

I appreciate the responses. My wife is adamant about not rupturing this guys family since he has 4 children. I agree that my slapping my wife was inexcusable, and it validates her feeling of "un-safety."

However, I can't continue a suspicious mindset. We have both pledged to forgive each other the past, and there were some issues of mine that she had carried forward. I have never cheated on my wife. I believe that all she did was kiss this man. The situation regarding the OM's wife is difficult o face, especially since I made a commitment to her that I wouldn't unless I find that A) she talks or communicateds in any fashion with OM or b) I find that they have been in the same room, or building together. We live in a small town (30,000), and the social circle is relatively small. Several of our close friends know, including the OM's immediate neighbors.

I'm struggling with my wife's lack of desire for intimacy foremost. We had sex the morning after the discovery, but since she has been withdrawn, alluding to the fact that I slapped her, and her inability to feel safe. Am I being suckered here?

I appreciate the responses, and keep them coming. I have to trust my wife, and I want to change to give her the intimacy and attention she needs, but I don't feel like I'm being met half-way.

Tonight will be the week anniversary of the event.


Thanks again for the help.

Trilogy

One addiitonal note. I have informed her mother. I did so the morning after. I am willing to do anything my wife needs to fulfill her needs, but it is agonizingly difficult awaiting her first move towards intimacy (that's what we've agreed to). I am overwhelmed be rekindled desire and feeling for my wife, and to not feel it returned is very painful.

Thanks again for the help.

T: I am sorry, but you are new to this, and I have seen HUNDREDS of cases. Harley has seen thousands. Though you won't find it published explicitly here, he says to tell the OP's spouse, in all cases. I called his radio show and asked him. From what I have seen here and in my own life, I agree. Affairs die when they are exposed. By agreeing to not tell, you are enabling their affair. You are keeping the secret that they kept from you that allowed the affair to continue. I don't know how to describe how counter-productive this is. If you were in her (the OM's W's) position, and she was in yours, wouldn't you want to know? Besides, he has probably lied to her about the state of his marriage, making it sound worse (more fragile) than it is, to justify his actions, which is feeding her fear of breaking up their marriage. Then their is the fact that many people in your small community already know. If she finds out from one of them it will be worse than if he tells her. The best is if he tells her, second best is if you tell her. Third best is if she finds out from someone more remote from the situation. Worst is if she never knows.

I agree with the other's advice about anger management, too. Get help.

Thirdly, forgiveness, as you describe it, will not work. Trust me, you are not over it. If you pretend to her or yourself that you are, you will make your marriage worse, not better, and she will do the same thing or worse again. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have to trust my wife </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, you don't. Not only that, you shouldn't. She has proven she is not trustworthy. You have proven you are not trustworthy, either. If you actually want to recover, you will have to earn back each other's trust.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> my wife was going through shame and guilt ofver the relationship. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are mis-interpreting this. She remains withdrawn because of you not making an emotionally safe place for her to communicate, and because of her mourning the end of her relationship with the OP.

If you want to REALLY get over it, follow the path described below: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You can recover. Many people have. It isn't easy, and not everyone succeeds, but as long as you are both working on it, your chances are close to 100%. If your spouse is NOT willing to work on your marriage, is denying involvement in an affair despite the evidence, and/or is continuing an affair, read What Are Plan A and Plan B? after reading the "Basic Concepts" links below. In that case, you need to start Plan A with the help of a marriage counselor (see item #2, below). There are a couple terrific posts about Plan A that are worth reading at: Plan A, Doormats and Love Busters by Zorweb and Cerri on Plan A, which will help you avoid some of the common pitfalls. Your situation is harder, but your chances of saving your marriage and actually making it better than before are still good. But, whether your spouse is "on board" or not, you should do three things:

1.) Learn. The most important and helpful single source of information for my wife and I was “Surviving an Affair” by Willard Harley (hereinafter referred to as “SAA”) available at the Bookstore, Amazon.com, and bookstores all over. SAA is THE best book on the market for helping one get to the root of “the message of the affair” (BUT YOU HAVE TO DO THE QUESTIONAIRES!). It (along with the Basic Concepts section of this site) is also helpful for giving you a vision of what a great marriage should look like. The approach of SAA to this problem is that the best defense against affairs is to have a great marriage. My wife said we had a good marriage, but she still had an affair. She was kidding herself, but it was not until we read SAA and saw what a great marriage should look like that we could clearly identify the problem areas and had the tools necessary to fix them. So that you can get started right away, while waiting for SAA to arrive in the mail, read everything in the Basic Concepts section of this site. Next, read all the Q&A's on infidelity on this site. They are found at How to Survive Infidelity

The phrase “the message of the affair” is from the book “Torn Asunder”, by Carder (hereinafter referred to as “TA”). I personally think this is the best book on affair recovery we have read. In particular it deals with the two different paths the recovery of the betrayed spouse (BS) and the wayward spouse (WS) need to take, and deals w/ remorse in a way that I prefer to SAA. Read it together, if your spouse is willing. If not, go through it yourself. If you or your spouse has issues with control, you might also want to read “The State of Affairs”, (SOA) by Todd Mulliken, which also treats the remorse issue similarly to TA. SOA also deals with "the vision thing" for marriage, which is neglected in SAA.

2.) See a marriage counselor. This is hard. You need help. These boards are populated by amateurs. MC’s are professionals. There is a difference. They can help deal with issues the books don’t cover, and customize things to your individual situation. That said, there are lots of bad MC’s in the world. Read, and take to heart, How To Find A Good Marriage Counselor. You do not want an MC that is going to teach you how to live with an awful spouse, or how to adjust to divorce. Too many of them do, as is documented here: Hazardous Counseling. Reading that link may scare you off counseling, but it should give you some good ideas to ask a potential MC before you start w/ them, so you can avoid those that give you the wrong answers. You need one that is committed to helping couples have great marriages, and knows how to do that.

You are on an emotional rollercoaster right now, and there will be times that you will think it would be best to just divorce your spouse and go on with your life. Though there are no guarantees, recovery IS possible, but it takes time and effort. You will hate yourself if you don't do everything you can to make that happen. Give yourself the time you need.

3.) I understand that you may not be a person of faith, but for me, getting my spiritual life in order was crucial. As I said, this is hard. I knew I would need all the help I could get. Repenting of the habitual sins in my life let me stop pushing God away so I could hold on for dear life. I had to humble myself and ask Him what I had done wrong, and what I could do to be the husband He wanted me to be for his child, my wife. This was not about blaming myself. It was about doing what I could to do my part in having a great marriage. My wife could participate or not, but I had to know I had done everything I could do. It also helped me to let go of thinking about what SHE needed to do, since I couldn't control her, anyway.

You might also want to read through: WAT's Quick Start Guidelines for Betrayed Spouses, but keep in mind that these are the writings of amateurs. Get the books, read the articles, and see a GOOD counselor - you need the best help you can get.

Of course, that is just my opinions and what worked for me, who experienced it once, first hand. Harley, who has helped HUNDREDS of couples through this process, lays out his program in the following link: How to Survive Infidelity You will find that I mostly followed his plan. It works. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ January 07, 2004, 04:37 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

Trilogy

I think one of the most important and helpful guides you can have is knowledge. When you go by only what you think or what you feel it usually causes efforts to be misguided.

I'm going back to your first post. Remember that what we learn at MB and in "Surviving an Affair" are concepts that many times require for us to act more unselfishly than we are accustomed to.

I was guilty of this also, so don't take this as a judgement. But you talk about revealing the affair to the OW H, it is for the wrong reason. Exposing the A is for the purpose of ending the A by bringing honesty in your M but also OM marriage.

There is AIDs, STDS and family welfare to think about in this case for both families. So holding the A over WS head so that she will act as she should toward you ties your hand to help OM's wife by exposing to her. Also remember that many times WSs don't have only one partner.

Another thing, remember that WSs in fog will lie. So maybe she (your WS) will hold up to what she promised. Maybe she will not see him or anyone else again. But it is possible that she will not (hold up to her prommise). So you are then in the same situation trying to end the A by exposing it. So this brings you back to the point of doing something that maybe should have been done in the first place.

Harley talks about exposing the A, to OP S, your church leader and family all at the same time in the hopes of making an impact at the time it is happening.

A note about WSs and having more than one partner. When I exposed my WS A to OW H he ran down a list of M that he thought might be the one. That shocked me, he didn't even get to saying my WS's name. I later found out that the woman had fellas for days of the week and she felt dating in a M was ok. Now that gave me something to think about. Because whoever she slept, with may have bearing on my life as of course she and my S had relations. So I'm saying that by revealing to OM W she will be aware that there is a problem and to be on guard. Even if she already suspects it. A side effect is that she may find out about other infidelities.

Also remember OM W may be able to become your ally. You maybe able to help her by referring her to NB if she isn't already aware. Since what has happened to me ai try to tell everybody I know about the site, unmarried and married people alike.

One more thing: There is no such thing as "just sex".

Trilogy,
(Quotes by Trilogy on italics)
"We had sex the morning after the discovery, but since she has been withdrawn, alluding to the fact that I slapped her, and her inability to feel safe."

Do you feel that the withdrawal is a result of your slapping her? Are you seeing a counselor?

It sounds as if you are truly remorseful for this. If you haven't try to convery this to her.
Remember that an A is an indication of needs not being met in the M. This means that on your road to receover, you may have to listen to her tell you more hurtful things. To reconfirm your sincere remorse work on dealing with tension, upset and frustration before talking to her. Maybe a counselor could help you walk through this.

Also withdrawal from you may have to do with some confusion on her part about the A. Amybe in talking to her you can get an idea.

Also I have leanred that anger is many times fueled by irrationaly thoughts. I have a site that has been helpful to me dealing with anger in particular.
Rational.org

MY ERROR
CORRECT URL Rational.org