Hi wantobeinlove
(Quotes by wanttobeinlove in italics)
I wanted to respond to your reply about revealing the affair.

"deep inside we all want to destroy the life of the person who destroyed ours. some people would rather live a lie and would choose to not know."

The purpose of revealing the affair ins't suppose to be for the purpose of trying to destroy the wayward person's life or the person they are having the affair with. Dr. Harley outlines the real purpose which is much more important than trying to reveal the affair hoping that someone else's life is ruined.

Infidelity is a very selfishly performed act that has a whole lot of interest that are gratifying for the 2 people who are betraying their loved ones.

The betrayed spouse doesn't reveal the affair to act as selfishly and with thoughtless, with wreckless disregard just as the wayward spouse is doing in having the affair. Therefore it isn't suppose to be conducted with revenge as it's motive.

"the problems between the other and his/her spouse should be left between them. "

From Dr Harley's experience and in my own experience people in good marriage indulge in affairs. Many times the person in the affair for this purpose of hiding it, goes throught great lengths to keep it from the betrayed spouse.

So, say if you were in a marriage and everything
seemed to be going well as far as you knew would you suspect an affair? If not, would you like to know?

Affairs survive on dishonesty and distrust. It is like, well what the other person doens't know won't hurt them. Well the truth is that the other person who doesn't know needs to know if they would like to save their marriage and protect themselves from STDs and protection of family well being.

Check out the links below if you've already. please read and lookover Dr. Herley's books.

Bookstore:http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6000_bookstore.html

How to deal with Infideility:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html

I had a friend (the W) who went through this. She gathered all of the evidence together, and put it in an envelope. She then had an uninvolved (and kind) friend call the OW's H, to ask if he wanted it. W did not want to shock the he** out of him by just sending it. He was very adamant that he did indeed want to have the envelope, so it was then mailed. Contrary to what alot of OP think, usually the spouses of LD EA's are clueless. He sure was.
Oh btw, it arrived in the mail on their aniversary.

Notice the people who are saying not to tell were or are WS's. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> do i have the right to devesate them with the truth? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you have the obligation. You may be surprised at their reaction. I had told my wife I would divorce her if she had an affair. I didn't. But if I had, it would have been within my rights. And, your spouse has the right to divorce you. But, you will never have a great marriage without telling. Honesty is a pre-requisite for a great marriage. Why do you feel you have the right to unilaterally decide that your spouse cannot have a great marriage? </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> From: “Husbands and Wives; Exploding Marital Myths, Deepening Love and Desire” by Dr. Melvyn Kinder and Dr. Connell Cowan (UCLA Clinical Psychologist, and Univ. of Houston Clinical Psychologist.

“Let us state at the outset that affairs are terribly destructive not only to marriages but to the individuals involved as well.”

“The most basic effect of an affair on one’s marriage is estrangement. Some people think a lack of trust is the ultimate legacy, but that assumes that the affair becomes known. The fact is that most affairs go undetected. Most husbands and wives will never really know for sure whether their love one has been faithful or not.

“Affairs are inherently dishonest; they all involve varying degrees of subterfuge and deception. Maintaining the “secret” requires an enormous amount of energy even if the unfaithful party does not think so. We have spoken with and counseled many men and women who at first insist they are carrying it off well. The report little or no guilt and are convinced the affair does not negatively affect their relationship at home. This is absolute nonsense!”

In order to keep an affair hidden you are forever walking around with a secret that burns inside. Imagine having a liaison, then coming home, making love with your spouse, and at the height of lovemaking saying “I love you.” Pretty hard to do, isn’t it? Yet millions of men and women have experienced that very moment. What must that do to a person’s sense of honor, integrity, character?”

“As for those who insist they feel little or no guilt, they are deceiving themselves. Guilt is not always conscious. Husbands or wives who play around may feel hidden guilt, which manifests itself in irritability, argumentativeness, with one’s spouse, or vague and ill-defined feeling of depression and self-loathing.” </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ January 11, 2004, 06:37 PM: Message edited by: johnh39 ]</small>

FH said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> People fall in and out of love all the time </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course, because they do not understand how to stay in love. Harley teaches you how to do that. Read "Survivng an Affair"

I believe that the other spouse has a right to know. If the evedence is presented in a non-vindictive way just t make the other person aware, then i feel that there's nothing wrong with that. I believe all evedence should be collected an the "Facts" of the affair be turned over to the unsuspecting spouse.

Yes, you need to expose. It isn't about the pain to the OM's wife. It isn't about her right to know, although that is also a compelling reason.

The reason that you expose the affair is to end it. By keeping silent, you become an enabler of the affair. In order to rebuild your marriage, the affair has to end. Revealing the affair to the OM's W is an excellent way to achieve that end.

BTW, the OP's spouse isn't the only person to whom you expose the affair. Read SAA.

<small>[ January 12, 2004, 01:11 PM: Message edited by: *Takola* ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> do i have the right to devesate them with the truth? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is the logical equivalent of "My cats breath smells like tuna, so I am going to win the Superbowl."

It isn't the truth that devestates people, it is the affair that devestates people. Keeping the truth from them is just controlling their reaction to the affair by keeping the knowledge of it from them. It is disrespectful and condescending.

The affair causes the pain, not the truth. If there were more truth up front, I doubt the affair would have happened. Lies and deceit led to this, and they won't lead anyone away from it.

Tell Tell Tell,

Chances are she may suspect something now. At least you can get the ball rolling on recovery, or at least give her the choice.

I told. It was in letter format with evidence enclosed. She may not believe you so if you have evidence, include it.

I told the OM that I was going to tell and gave him the chance to do it first. By the time I gave his W the letter, he had told her, and that was good. They were going to work on the M and she was grateful to me. She called my W to confirm something. My W appologized profoundly. It was not acepted, but not regected either.

You are not the reason for the pain, the A is. If you watch the news and see a particularly sad story on puppies being killed, is it the networks fault?

There are so many reasons to tell.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by MyAdvocate:
<strong> the only thing that i have right now is a cell phone registered with Sprint PCS. (anyone work for sprint? name and addres. Unfortunately they're out of state. I'd like to find out how to do a cell trace. To call, or email the information that I found. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I got a third party to perform a reverse lookup of the OM's cell number. Fell off my chair when I found out who it was. That aside, it cost me $89US at http://bestpeoplesearch.com/ They have many services that you and I just don't have access to.

Be strong and take care of yourself first.

<small>[ January 16, 2004, 03:04 AM: Message edited by: suckerpunchedat42 ]</small>