I have 4 young children, who take a great deal of time and cost a great deal of money (2 boys and 2 girls). The events in my life over the past 1.5 years and the actions of my wife lead me to believe my wife is having an illicit relationship with some poor sap.

If this is the case, I believe it is very likely this poor sap does not know my wife has children (I doubt she is telling people she is married when she goes to clubs, let alone that she has young children).

A question for people here. How likely is it that more than a tiny fraction of men out there - even those who frequent meat markets looking for hot women - would want to get knowingly involved with someone who has 4 children? Let me ask the same question to the women here. What about a guy with 4 children?

Shaken

I seriously doubt that many men would want to be saddled with 4 kids from a prior marriage. If WS is lying about being married a guy might spend time with her to have sex and might even keep doing this after he knows about the marriage as long as she makes herself available. However, when faced with the choice of breaking off the affair or marriage most guys will drop the relationship like a hot potato.

Beau

Who in his right mind would want that burden? A woman with children brings a lot of baggage and headaches of an XH, visitation, disciplining the children would be hard because she would not allow it. I believe the guy would probably use her, but never commit to living as a family. Women in that situation who allow themselves to be used like that should question their values and their own self-steem. I think when a woman with children who is unfaithful does not think about anyone else or even herself, because she is not seeing that most men who would enter in an illicit relationship just do as an adventure, but nothing more and these guys have very low moral values and would be unfit to parent.

Consider the following basic scenarios:

1. She leaves you and the kids to go live with the OM. This is a very likely scenario if she is very addicted to him and he won't accept all the baggage that comes from living with her 4 kids from her marriage. But if you get awarded custody of the kids and she gets slapped with CS(child support), the financial pressure will eventually put a strain on her affair because she's going to be working her tail off to help support her kids, and will eat up a lot of her time with the OM. The OM will most likely come to the conclusion that his lover lives more for her kids than she does for him, and he'll most probably end up kicking her out.

2. She kicks you out of your home, and the OM moves in. This scenario could happen if the OM is a lazy, chronically unemployed individual who sees your WW as his meal ticker and is more than willing to put up with the craziness of living in a house full of kids. But unless your W is very addicted to him, there is a very strong possibility that she will come out of the fog when she realizes that instead of a companion, she's got another kid to feed and discipline. In this scenario, she's going to get fed up and kick him and his belongings out on to the street.

If I was a betting man, I'd bet on the first scenario as the most likely one to occur.

<small>[ January 08, 2004, 11:51 AM: Message edited by: T00MuchCoffeeMan ]</small>

Just to add my two cents...whatever it is worth. I know that the scum bag that played my wife into thinking that he was this caring, kindred soul was nothing more then a predator! He wanted nothing more from her then to get into her...well, you know. He saw that my W was in a very vunerable state and took total advantage of her in order to feed his own selfish and sick ego/desires. I can gaurentee that my W was nothing more then a piece of a#$ to him and he wanted nothing to do with a long term thing (I believe because she has two children). What a total dirt bag (I would use more colorful language for him but don't want to offend anybody!)!

Just a little angry today, can't ya tell! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I know for a fact that this man, faced with your four children, will drop your wife like a ton of bricks. Try to be there for her when he does.

Sevenselves

Thanks everyone for your responses.

I asked the question because an old high school teacher of mine from LA called me last night (we have remained close since my graduation in 1980). He brought up a point I never wondered about in the past 18 months of soul searching.

He said, "you know what, if your wife divorces you it is likely that she will want to get into another relationship with the intention of re-marrying at some point. If this is the case, do you realize that there are such a miniscule amount of men out there who would want the baggage and responsibility of 4 children? Do you realize that you have a significant advantage over every other man out there. Do you know what this advantage is? You are eminently qualified to be with your wife, because you are possibly the only man in your wife's life who truly desires to live with her AND your 4 children. Do you realize what this means? It does not give you a promise that your wife will ever want to reconcile with you. However, it will make her think about the few options she will have once she tries to make it without you and it will quite possibly help change her hardened heart toward you."

Anyway, I needed the encouragement big time. I just hope I don't lose interest in getting back with wife before she ever POSSIBLY makes the decision she does want to make an effort on us...

Sorry, I was typing very fast on that last post. I don't believe that the f#$k-nut that took advantage of my W wanted anything from her expect what he got. Kids or not he just wanted one thing. I just love the fact that I have to mop up the freakin mess while that cromagnon man goes happily on his way. Who ever said life was fair should be shot!

Yes, I am still angry. Time for some Valium! Just Kidding, but hey I can dream can't I!

Sevenselves:

I'm so sorry for your obvious pain. I don't think I'm at the stage you are in at this point, as I am not aware of any specific OP. You sound like you are very bitter, as I would be, especially for the impact this is having on your children.

I have not read your story, so excuse the possibly obvious questions. Are you divorced? What is your WS or Ex's attitude toward you? Has she become more jaded or...?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sevenselves:
<strong> Sorry, I was typing very fast on that last post. I don't believe that the f#$k-nut that took advantage of my W wanted anything from her expect what he got. Kids or not he just wanted one thing. I just love the fact that I have to mop up the freakin mess while that cromagnon man goes happily on his way. Who ever said life was fair should be shot!

Yes, I am still angry. Time for some Valium! Just Kidding, but hey I can dream can't I! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Sevenselves:

I'm so sorry for your obvious pain. I don't think I'm at the stage you are in at this point, as I am not aware of any specific OP. You sound like you are very bitter, as I would be, especially for the impact this is having on your children.

I have not read your story, so excuse the possibly obvious questions. Are you divorced? What is your WS or Ex's attitude toward you? Has she become more jaded or...?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by sevenselves:
<strong> Sorry, I was typing very fast on that last post. I don't believe that the f#$k-nut that took advantage of my W wanted anything from her expect what he got. Kids or not he just wanted one thing. I just love the fact that I have to mop up the freakin mess while that cromagnon man goes happily on his way. Who ever said life was fair should be shot!

Yes, I am still angry. Time for some Valium! Just Kidding, but hey I can dream can't I! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Shaken,

My wife and I are trying to work things out, but as you know some days are easier then others. My wife knows what a scum back the OM is. She knows that when she needed "a shoulder to cry on" he took it one step further. He knew that she was married and that didn't stop him. My wife has had no contact with him since the ONS and she tells me that she would "kick him where it counts" if she ever ran into him. I fully believe that he knew what he was doing and regocnized that my wife was "easy prey" at the time.

For other unrelated reasons, this has been triggered today...it's strange how something totally unrelated to the A could trigger emotions. I guess that is to be expected since it has only been a little over two months since D-Day.

I fear as though, from reading the poll on serving on a jury, if OM haden't left town I would be in some serious legal problems now!!! Yes, I am bitter, I have been the person women have come to to "cry on my shoulders" and would never dream of taking advantage of that posistion. I suppose I am the better man, I don't know...I always assumed that there was an unwritten code that a man doesn't mess with a married woman (Yes, he knew my W was M)...I guess I am just a fool.

This will pass, I look to the day when this will all be behind us. I love my wife dearly.

Sevenselves

I forgot all about the children in my reply! This is exactly what has been happening to them since D-Day. We try to find time for them but when our past situations are ruling your every waking moment it is rough. We have been doing special things for them as a family but not to the extent that they used to get. I know that they are too young to understand what is going on (S9, D3) and in some respects I am thankful for that but I know all of this has had a negative impact on them.
Like I stated above, I can't wait for the day when this is behind us (especially for the kids)!

Sevenselves

Shaken,

I just went to do some laundry and realized something...everything in my life at this point can be a trigger. I have to take everything into consideration when making decisions (from paying bills to buying a new car to preschool for my youngest) because I am not totally convinced that my wife and I will make it. We are both trying but that big "what if..." is always there. Maybe everything is still so fresh! Guess just an after thought.

Hi Shaken,

I have to agree with the others. I really don't believe that he will want her and 4 children. That is a huge responsibility to take on at once. Most men or women are not ready for the "Ready made Family", nor do they want the responsibility that goes with it.

Unless I am mistaken, (and guys don't take offense to this) I think men are less likely to want the responsibility of a ready made family than a woman is. But in most cases when a women gets involved with a man that has children, it is seldom that he has custody of them, so generally they have them for visitaions only, not the same as having them most of the time.

i would not want a women with kids at all. but my wife is having a affair with her coworker and we have 3kids. and when she is with this jerk the kids are at home if she had to take the kids with her her would not want her. this guy is just useing my wife but she is in the fog now and she would have to see for her self. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Just to add my two cents...whatever it is worth. I know that the scum bag that played my wife into thinking that he was this caring, kindred soul was nothing more then a predator! He wanted </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">nothing more from her then to get into her...well, you know. He saw that my W was in a very vunerable state and took total advantage of her in order to feed his own selfish and sick ego/desires. I can gaurentee that my W was nothing more then a piece of a#$ to him and he wanted nothing to do with a long term thing (I believe because she has two children). What a total dirt bag (I would use more colorful language for him but don't want to offend anybody!)!
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">that is the same thing i say. my wife coworker is useing her. and ihave 3 kids. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

eemd, I am sorry about what you are going through and I feel your pain. If I may offer a suggestion, make her take the kids! Is there any way that this can be done? Make that SOB know what he is getting himself into...as if he already doesn't know. When she has plans with him make up an excuse so that she must take them with her. This should slap him in the face and force him to look at reality. Good Luck.

Shaken,

I married a woman with three boy's, 7, 5, and 4, I would not have a problem doing it again.
But now I have three more children with my W, and I wouldn't put my baggage on anyone, I would feel way to much guilt.

I think it would depend on how old the children are, teen's would have scared me away, especially from an abusive home life. Either way it is a pile of work. No matter who's kid's they are.

Shake

There is nothing wrong with posing this question if it gives some degree of comfort or hope that her affair will not last.

But please do not allow this to affect how you deal with her. By that please don't feel empowered that you have leverage over her. Or throw it in her face. I can promise you that would backfire.

Like the others I beleive most men who get involved with married women do it primarily for sexual reasons. And they like the fact they are married because it reduces the odds of them having to committ if they don't want to. Plus if they are also married then they don't want a single woman that would call their house trying to break up the marriage. They have blackmail power of a married woman. My wife's OM often told her "you wouldn't want this to get out. My reputation is shot but yours isn't"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by stunned-dad-fast recovering:
<strong> Shake

There is nothing wrong with posing this question if it gives some degree of comfort or hope that her affair will not last.

But please do not allow this to affect how you deal with her. By that please don't feel empowered that you have leverage over her. Or throw it in her face. I can promise you that would backfire.

Thanks. I wouldn't think of using this for leverage, because even if this was the case for most people, it does not necessarily mean it is the case for my wife. However, I asked the question only for a bit of comfort.

Like the others I beleive most men who get involved with married women do it primarily for sexual reasons. And they like the fact they are married because it reduces the odds of them having to committ if they don't want to. Plus if they are also married then they don't want a single woman that would call their house trying to break up the marriage. They have blackmail power of a married woman. My wife's OM often told her "you wouldn't want this to get out. My reputation is shot but yours isn't" </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think your reply shows alot of wisdom and some good food for thought. Thanks!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Shaken but not stirred:
<strong> A question for people here. How likely is it that more than a tiny fraction of men out there - even those who frequent meat markets looking for hot women - would want to get knowingly involved with someone who has 4 children? Let me ask the same question to the women here. What about a guy with 4 children? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"The chances of being eaten by a lion on Main Street are not one in a million. On the other hand, once should be enough."

There may not be that many guys who want a woman with four children, but one should be enough. A former coworker of mine has four children and remarried after her first H's death. That marriage didn't work out, but her next one did-they are still happy together. So she found 2 guys who were at least willing to take a chance on a woman with four kids.