I don't know where else to turn about this and I don't want to tell anybody I know but here is the situation.

My wife and I have been married for nearly 6 years and those years have been mostly happy ones.

She is a stay-at-home mom with our 4 yr old and spends a lot of time on the net...especially late at night. I have never questioned this becuase she has a lot of online friends, mostly kids from our church (we are both youth leaders)
Last week she told me that some of her friends are guys and that she was telling me because she doesn't want to keep anything from me. Then the next day she asked if I minded if she met up with a guy for lunch...she explained that it was purely a friendship thing and that this guy is a strong Christian. I had some reservations but decided that it was ok with me. I have always trusted her so it didn't really bother me. This guy is a worship leader of a big church and the singer of a popular Christian band.

Since the lunch meeting she has been getting lots of text messages on her phone that she deletes after reading and she has been acting very different. I never thought I would do this but I installed a spyware program on our computer (it captures any keystrokes and takes screen shots)

To my horror I discovered that they have been having 'cybersex' and are even arranging a private meeting to fulfil their online fantasies.

I am at a complete loss of what to do and am totally surprised and very hurt.
I don't want to approach her about it because she will know that I have been spying. And I have been blaming myself thinking that I haven't been intimate enough or there is something wrong with me.
I hate the thought of ever divorcing because I still love her very much so I am hoping that this will resolve itself somehow...but I don't know how.

Sorry this was so long...anybody have any thoughts or advice?

Peter

Hello,

I am sorry for your pain. It is absolutely essential that you confront your wife now and make it clear that you know and what the repercussions will be to her if she wishes to remain married. Next, if the OM is married then inform his wife. Next, immediately contact the church where he works.
Do not hide under a rock and allow your wife to engage in a sexual affair with this man. Yes you spied but clearly it was justified and you have a right to know how she has been betraying you. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If you say nothing and allow her to meet up with this man and have sex with him, you will be beating yourself up for the rest of your life. If you respect yourself and your marriage you will confront your wife immediately. If you say nothing that you are enabling her to betray you and destroy your marriage. Is this what you want?
If not then confront her now and make appointments for marriage counseling. Doing nothing is the worst possible thing to do. I wish you luck.

I think you need to confront OM. Tell him that if he has anymore contact with your wife you will notify everyone in the church. Keep reading here. You will get lots of support and ideas.

Add my voice to the chorus that says 'confront her'. But I would suggest that instead of a blitzkrieg that you start slowly by conveying to her that ,in the spirit of honesty and openness, BOTH of you come clean with what is presently happening in your lives. If she says she doesn't know what you are talking about, you may want to express to her that you have noticed that her recent behavior has become more secretive which is something that she never exhibited before. If she still says she doesn't know what you are talking about, then bring forth those times when you've noticed her quick deletion of text messages. If she says that they are innocent then ask her if she could please let you read them. Watch the look on her face, and if she reacts panicky, reassure her that you love her very much and that you are strong enough to handle the truth. The point is to create a friendly emotional environment where she can feel safe in sharing the truth with you without the fear of being punished for doing so. If she tells you what you already know, then give her a hug and thank her for her honesty. The point is to create an environment where honesty is promoted and nurtured so that no affair will have a chance to take root. If you can do this then you may be not only able to avert an escalation of the affair to the physical realm, but also find out what may be missing in your marriage that made your wife vulnerable to being seduced.

Confront her. She is having an emotional affair. The path to recovery is the same for a physical and an emotional affair. A guide to that path is in the link in my signature line. If he is married, tell his wife, and give his wife the evidence if she is doubtful, or if she wants it. You would want her to do the same for you.

Some good advice I posted elsewhere (if anyone disagrees, please shoot me down <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> A word about confronting the OP, when a WS is unwilling to end an affair on their own, because this question comes up a lot: Yes, confront the OP, and also inform the OP’s spouse or girlfriend or boyfriend of what you know, if they have one. If the OP’s spouse/friend is likely to be violent, you may want to hold off on that exposure, but that is the only exception I know of, other than a message from God.

The confrontation of the OP is fairly important, and should be worded carefully. Given the emotional state you are probably in right after you learn of an affair, that usually means doing it by letter or email, or maybe a phone call. I do not recommend direct confrontations because of the strong temptation you may have to become physically violent.

In the letter, say something like: “I love [spouse], and am trying to fix what is wrong with our marriage. I believe your relationship with [spouse] is interfering with our efforts to fix our marriage, and I would appreciate it if you would cease all contact with [spouse].” If you are CERTAIN it is a physical affair, you can use the word “affair”, instead of “relationship”. If you have children, you may also say that the OP is contributing to the destruction of a family.

They may laugh at you, but it is important to send that message, respectfully, for several reasons:

1. Because the OP may not know the WS is married. If that is the case, confronting the OP sometimes leads immediately to the end of the affair.
2. Because WS’s usually (almost always?) depict their spouse in a negative way to the OP. They say things like: “My wife doesn’t understand me” or “My husband won’t talk to me”, “My spouse is unconcerned about me and/or our marriage” or “We have an open relationship”, or something worse – you are crazy, controlling, cruel, etc. So, you need to confront the OP in a way that shows you at your best – not crazy, not unconcerned, not controlling, not angry, but rather calm, kind, purposeful, determined and concerned for your spouse and your relationship with them. When you do that, it introduces conflict into their relationship, because there is a conflict between what the OP experiences, and what they have been told.
3. Many WS’s and OP’s minimize the seriousness of their affairs with rationalizations like: “It’s only physical”, or, in the case of an Emotional Affair, “It’s just a close friendship” and “It’s not physical.” The language I have suggested avoids giving them a point to argue, and simply says it is hurting you.
4. In most cases, affairs grow in secret, and they die when exposed.


Remember that affairs are addictions. What happens when you try to take away an addict's fix? Frequently, they get angry. It is fairly common for a WS to get EXTREMELY angry when you expose their affair and confront the OP, and accuse you of trying to destroy them and your marriage and of being a horrible human being, so be prepared for an angry response. It is not a lovebuster, it is fighting for your marriage. You are doing nothing horrible. They are. You are fighting to save your marriage. They are destroying it. You are telling the truth. They are being deceitful. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Peter, I give you won't be well-thought out. I am so sorry for your situation. It is so sad when this happens in Christian marriages, in the church, with other Christians. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I know that it grieves God's heart (and yours).

Prepare yourself. None of it will be easy. If you don't confront, it will possibly continue and escalate. But I agree that there are "guidelines" for confronting... esp. given that your emotions right now will be up and down (angry, sad, desperate, etc). Prepare yourself first of all by praying and pouring your heart out to God. Ask Him to help you to forgive and to give you wisdom to know how to confront and what to do. Pray that He will convict your wife's heart and that she will grieve over her sin and repent from it.

Many marriages do recover from adultery/affairs, but it will probably be an emotional roller coaster.

Again, my heart truly goes out to you.

May God be with you.

<small>[ June 12, 2004, 07:16 PM: Message edited by: LoveMyEx ]</small>

You've been given great advice. You've got to confront, how you do it will be whatever you feel is best for you and your W. It will NOT be easy or painfree for either of you. Try to stay in control of your emotions as much as possible. LISTEN...don't talk! Amazing what we can discover by keeping our mouths shut. Most will jump into a silence if it continues for more then a few seconds...and the information gleaned can be valuable.

Sidenote...make copies of what you have found. Then take ONE which is clear with her and his intentions/actions and give it to her if she continues to deny. Try giving one that will not lead to the assumation that you installed spyware...but even if it does...she does NOT have a right to a hidden life. She does have a right to privacy...but privacy is not an excuse to abuse her marriage vows by claiming you had no right to look for the truth.

Make sure you have the evidence which can be shown to her before you confront her. Otherwise, she will deny that she is having an affair. Do it in a very calm and civil manner. Exposing the affair will bring your wife back to reality. I would even suggest telling the OM's wife and the church elders about what is going on. Your wife and this OM should not be working as youth leaders until they show that they are worthy to be in these positions.

Beware of wolves is sheep's clothing! If you have the evidence, I would go to the elders with the evidence as they would definetely help not only with counseling but also determining whether that man and your wife should be leading others. You would be doing something very good for all. There is nothing worse than have that happen in the church. I have seen it before and I am sure will see it again.

Thanks everyone so much for your great advice. I have taken some of the advice on board, some not.

It happened on Friday night.....when I got home from work I wanted to create the atmosphere for a heart-to-heart talk so I didn't attempt to hide the fact that I was miserable....she asked 'what's wrong?' I didn't answer...silence IS an amazing thing. She said 'let's go into the bedroom and talk'
I asked her straight out 'is there anything going on with you and that guy you had lunch with' (I didn't want to tell her about the spyware and I still don't...I want to verify that the relationship has ceased.) Again silence. She denied that there was anything happening. I told her that I noticed she had been acting differently and I could sense that there was something not right (which is the truth since it was that feeling that led me to install the spyware in the first place) She said that she had been communicating with this guy through text messages, email and IM conversations but that it was just 'friendly'. I asked her to be truthful and tell me if there was anything else. She said that he had been giving her lots of 'compliments'. I explained that compliments can lead to seduction and that I didn't like the relationship and would like it to cease. I could feel the presence of God in the room that night and the sense that I was taking my Godly authority in our marriage back. I looked at her close in the eyes and quoted that verse 'As for me and my house...we will serve the Lord.' and then added '....and to hell with the devil!!' I could sense God's authority all over me.
I could see her melt and she cried tears of sorrow as God convicted her.
She still hasn't come clean with the whole truth but she is human and I won't try to force that out of her.

I verified that she sent an email to this guy on Saturday and told him she couldn't carry on a relationship any longer. She mentioned the conversation that we had and said that God has been dealing with her and had intervened (which He certainly did)

Yesterday I had a long talk to her about how I could meet her needs better and that I wanted with all my heart to be a better husband to her. Again God's presense was huge!
I praise God the way He has handled this and even though it was not the perfect scenario from many of your points of view I can see God's hand at work.
What the devil had planned for evil God has turned around for good.
I havent approached or made any contact with the other guy and I don't intend to despite the advice of most of the people here. I fully understand why that advice was given by the way. I prayed about this and could sense God telling me 'leave him to Me'

My marriage has undergone lots of healing in the past few days. I praise God for all He has done and will continue to do. The forgiveness that He has placed in me is unbelievable. I never thought I could forgive her but I truly have.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, advice and prayers.

Peter

IMO the fact that your wife was arranging to meet this OM to have sex shows what she is capable of doing. She needs to be made aware that you knew about what she was going to do. I would still inform the OM's wife and the church elders about what was going on. Only with truth can healing take place.

I just want to second what Yosh said. He made an excellent point. It is important that your wife know that you know everything. Either your marriage is based on a foundation of honesty and truth or it is not. In addition, the fact that she was having cybersex with this guy and planning to meet him for sex is very serious. I would suggest what Ronald Reagan once said: Trust but verify. I think you should keep monitoring to make sure.
In addition, not to tell the elders of the church what he is doing actually makes you enabling him to continue these activities with other. Think about it. To paraphrase the old saying: Only that is needed for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.