My husband of 8yrs. has been having an affair that I just found out about. he is 51 and has been sleeping with our niece's sister-in-law who is 19 for 2 months now. On Thanksgiving day this year we got into a conflict about this young girl and all the time that they where spending together in person, sending emails, msn messaging, and phone calls. My husband said I was being controling and so he moved out of the home and in with my niece. lately we had been talking about getting back together and making our marriage work. He continued to tell me that they where only friends and nothing had happen between the two of them he claimed that he was just helping her with a drug problem she is having. So my newphew (the girls brother) msn me and told me that he thought that I should know that they had been sleeping together since he moved down there (her family and his family both are very upset with them even over the just friends thing) and suggested that I come down and confront them (they live in another state an hour and a half away.) So Jan the 7th I go down and confront him and after a couple of hours he confesses and tells the truth. I also find out that they had been having the affair before he moved out(of course I had believed him all along when he said nothing was going on between them)We decide to really try and make our marriage work and he comes home with me. I told him then that I could not accept him being friends with this girl and that all communications would have to end, he agrees and we tell her that also. Then today he has a conseling session with a conselor that he has been going to for about 5 months and she tells him that there is no reason why him and this girl can not be friends and still talk and email each other. I am having a hard time accepting this. I ask him if I could have access to his email accounts to see if they where still communicating and he refused saying again that I was trying to control him. He also said he wanted to keep her picture and gifts that she had bought him in the house. I told him that that hurt me too much to have those laying around our home again he says I am trying to control him. I am really confused as to if I am trying to control him or safe gaurd our marriage. I think that I should been able to have access to his email accounts and that the pictures and gifts should go if we truely what to work this out. But I dont want him to feel like he is being controled either. Shoul I stand firm on the NO contact whatsoever and demand that he dispose of the gifts and pictures and include me in on his emails or should I just back off a little. Please help

<small>[ January 09, 2004, 09:42 PM: Message edited by: PamHuse45 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by PamHuse45:
<strong> Then today he has a conseling session with a conselor that he has been going to for about 5 months and she tells him that there is no reason why him and this girl can not be friends and still talk and email each other. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That counselor is a quack!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

No contact is necessary!!! No ifs, ands, or buts!

Pam

That counselor is an idiot!! You should report her to the state-licensing agency and definitely get another counselor.

Niece’s sis-in-law - does her H know about A? If not call him and let him know. If he does know then he should demand verifiable NC. Does OW Mom and Dad know about her behavior? If not tell them.

No contact means no contact of any kind. No e-mail, phone calls. H should be open with email and cell phone passwords. If he is unwilling to share information the A is on going. You are not controlling. He is saying that you are “ to controlling “ to throw you off track. Don’t believe a word he says until the A is long past. Ws are notorious for lying over and over. Everything must be verifiable.

Stand firm on NC and if he doesn't show real willingness tell him that you will help him pack his bags. Don't take this kind of abuse from him. Get rid of all of the paraphernalia from the A. Be sure to cover yourself financially.

Expose the affair to anyone that will contact H and talk to him about his behavior,
parents, pastor, and friends.

Remind H that when she is 30 he will be 62 and will qualify for social security!!
This girl will have long since lost interest in him.

Have you read “Surviving and Affair” by Harley. You can order the book from the home page. The book will help explain an affair from both perspective and will give you insight into ways to stop the A and to reconcile your marriage.

Also, check out www.savingyourmarriage.com - Penny Tupy. She is excellent and has good articles on her site. She can be consulted by phone and may be able to give you additional advice.

Keep posting and asking questions.

Be strong and good luck

Beau

First and foremost...I am sorry that you have a need to be here...but...you've discovered a great source of information and support. Please read what is offered and take from it what you feel will help you and your marriage.

Now to this counselor...Were you there when these infamous words were spoken????? I've got a sneaking suspicion that you were not and your H is seriously yanking your chain and lying. You must remember...for the last few months lies have been successful at getting him what he wants...so it isn't unusual for them to continue to try to misdirect and evade. And having a "counselor" be the authority figure on his side to help get what he wants...makes for good "reading". But...I just can't see any counselor doing this. Especially with the age difference and drug issue. And I also know from very personal experience...WS often hear only what they want to hear and can put many a spin on what was actually said. jmho

IF...you were there....there is something seriously wrong with this counselor. Is he/she pro-marriage, or does he/she see counseling as a path to having a "friendly" divorce? What did you have to say when those words left his/her mouth? What was the counselor's response to what you had to say?

There should be NO CONTACT with this girl/child!!!! She's a teenager my goodness...and from what you wrote has a problem with drugs...her judgement is going to be as bad as your H's. He needs to drop his "knight in shinning armor" self-imagin and realize that he is a mature man with responsiblities and VALUES and morals who needs to live up to them.

You are combating a fantasy affair which can be deeply "foggy" for the WS, (foggy is a term used here on this site to explain the confusion and loss of common sense that some WS seem to stumble around in).

NOW...as for control and privacy issues!

While I agree that you should have all passwords and access...please note...this is a false sense of security...but one we normally really need. Email accounts are a dime a dozen and easily set up all over the web. So while you may have the password to one/two/three or more accounts, it does not insure that there isn't one more you don't have. (You can always install a keylogger on your computer and find out for yourself if that is the path you wish to take. I believe that snooping is completely in line when looking for the truth of our own lives.)

You can not and never can control your H. He knows this...just as he can not control you, but you can each try. Each of you must make a decision as to what your own boundaries are. While both of you have a right to privacy...neither of you while married and choosing to stay in the marriage have a right to a hidden life. He is trying to control you by making you feel guilty for having firm boundaries of what you will accept or deny...if he wants the marriage, then he will need to make some real changes and prove that he is worthy of a second chance.

As for gifts/photos/saved emails/notes...whatever...they would be in the trash and he could go to the dumb and retreive them if they are of such value. And he could find another living place to keep them. They were not stay in my home! jmho


May God grant you wisdom, strength, and courage in the days ahead.

If the couselor actually said that they are incompetant. Click on teh link in my signatuere line

Speak your peace and speak your love over this issue...
read everything you can about plan A...and use it to assist in exposing and ending the affair..

contact the OW and make it clear that you are committed to your husband and want to work on your marraige....and it is you would like her to cease contact with him....

do not power struggle over the issue of continued contact...
set boundaries and limits without ulitmatums...

"dear husband...we took vows to love and cherish one another...and to forsake all others..
each interaction, each phone call, each IM, each email...is breach of the vows you gave to me...

I love you and want to be married....and I can not be part of a triangle...that is what I told you when we got married and exchanged vows..and that is what I desire...

Our actions define us...and though your words speak of wanting a marriage it is our actions that define us...

Each contact can only be viewed as your decision not to work on our marriage.
Each contact in you choosing her over me...and while I can not and will not control you with anything....
I will know that your actions speak louder than words...."

no power struggle..place all back in his lap and hands...

Pam I will tell you that i have grave grave concerns about a 51 year old man sleeping with an eighteen year old...

do you have children in the home....for this will be very confusing for them...and i would hope you are tuned in and focusing on the effects this is having....

Are you two in counseling? for you should be together....

read all about plan a...

ark...

Are you reading up on plan a?

do you know what plan a is?

are you meeting any of his needs...cause I bet dollars to donuts you can meet them better than a nineteen year old... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

ark