Since I told my W about my drunken one-night stand (PA) last week it's been a real rollercoaster. I've had several anxiety attacks, we've talked a lot, I've been to therapy once and set up a joint session for us next week. I've been reading as much as I can on marriagebuilders, this board, some books (Torn Asunder, Infidelity: A Survival Guide), etc.

Last night we went out to a basketball game (we had previously purchased tickets) and there was a woman who proposed to her husband on the court. My wife got totally silent after that and as the night wore on progressively more angry with me (which she has every right to be).

When we got home last night she exploded at me (not physically), telling me that all she could think about was that our whole marriage (of 6 months) was a total lie and that she could never trust me again. She also said, "So what if we save our marriage and rebuild it, I'll still always be the one who didn't have the affair." She hates having to lie to people when they ask her how her holidays were (the A was the weekend after New Years).

We slept apart last night (we have been sleeping in the same bed since I told her, on Wednesday) and I'm just feeling more hopeless now. She reluctantly agreed to go to counseling, but is very angry and feels that I put us in this position, but now she has to deal with it.

She doesn't want to read this site or any of the books, and I can't force her to, even though they've been helping me. Should I just wait this out? Try and talk to her? Wait until our counseling session on Tuesday to bring anything else up? It's the uncertainty that gets me into a state where I have another anxiety attack.

I am remorseful, there is no contact with the OW (who I hardly knew and lives across the country), and will do anything it takes to rebuild my marriage. I know what I did was incredibly stupid, and there's no possible explanation. I can promise it will never happen again, but it was never supposed to happen in the first place (as she reminds me about our marriage vows - which hang on our Ketubah in the hallway as a reminder). All my W hears from me right now is what sound like empty, selfish promises.

I'm just looking for some help - if there's anything I can say or do that will help my wife during these initial stages.

Have you told her you are sorry that you had ONS, sorry that you betrayed her, broke your vows, and dishonored your marriage? Also have you told her you are sorry that you put her through this hell, that you caused this hurt, and took a chance on losing your marriage?

Then you could write her a letter that you love her and beg her to take you back. You can tell her that you are disgusted with your behavior and will spend the rest of your life loving only her. As you can tell, I am the BS and this is what I need to hear.

I have told her those all of those things, I promise. I have told her how sorry I am, how I am ashamed for humiliating (her word) her and for potentially throwing away our marriage.

I am truly disgusted with myself. My actions were pathetic, hurtful, wrong, inexcusable and I take 100% responsibility for them. I want to amend for them, both to my wife and to God. Whatever that takes. Perhaps writing a letter will be helpful. One of the reasons I told her is that I couldn't imagine standing up next Yom Kippur and pretending to atone for my sins.

Right now I've been answering any questions she has, doing my best to take any burden off of her (cleaning, laundry, walking the dog, etc.). But I'm sure that most of it feels hollow to her, though. Like "too little, too late". Or even selfish - "Look, I can be a good husband. Don't leave me."

I want to spend the rest of my life loving only her and will do whatever it takes to prove that to her, if she'll give me a chance.

Keep apologizing over and over, and don't give up - it will take her time to accept it. Be sure to say you are sorry for causing her pain, disappointment, her fears and suffering.

Then you can make reparations to her. This is like an atonement. Consider carefully doing something that would make her feel better.

You sound like a good man. Most don't come clean and continue to lie. Also you probably need to discuss this "fall" with your rabbi.

What your W is going through at this moment is completely normal. Triggers...those things which bring the betrayal to mind on a very personal level and which can be ANYTHING...happen a LOT. A movie, a chance remark, a location, a song, a date (being so close to a major holiday, this is going to be a biggie)...whatever.

This is all very new to you and your W. If you've been reading here and all those books, you should know that this is going to take a lot of time and effort on both of your parts.

Your W will jump from one emotion to another in the blink of an eye. She is experiencing emotions she may not have ever felt to this degree and she has yet to reach a level of controling them. She may being crying one moment and raging the next. She is NOT capable of controling this right now. It will get better...but it takes time...a lot of it.

As for what you can do...continue with what you have been doing. Reassure her of your remorse, of your commitment to her and to the marriage. Reassure her that your betrayal was stupid and has/had nothing to do with any lack in her...it was a lack in your judgement and you'll do whatever it takes to make this up to her (then do it). Be HONEST, do NOT protect her from the truth!!! She must not only get the truth, but she must be able to check up and KNOW that it is the truth. Give her access to whatever she needs. While this may feel to be an invasion of your privacy...it is not. You have joined with her in front of man and God and sharing the life you have been given with her was a free will choice. NOW SHARE!

LISTEN...then repeat to be sure that you understand exactly what is needed and what she is saying. If you need more information...ask. Be sure you both stay on the same page. Miscommunication is ripe in these situations.

NO MIND READING ALLOWED!!!! Not by you or by her. TALK to each other. Do not put your thoughts in her head or allow her to wonder what is going on in yours. Be open, honest and clear.

From this post, I assume that you confessed to this betrayal without your W having to discover it for herself. I hope this is correct. If so, then you have already began the most important step...being honest. If not...then you will have to be doubly honest in the details she may need. HONEST...but with kindness. (ie...yes, it was at "x" hotel...no, we broke the bed, unless she asks for the condition of the bed.) Be very sure that you do not leave out a detail which can come back and bite you. Those facts which are discovered later put us right back on square one no matter how much healing has taken place...avoid this! Being honest from the get go is your most powerful weapon.

Since your betrayal was a ONS, you will only be dealing with the physical aspects of betrayal. In some ways this can be simplier, if not easier, as there is no emotional betrayal which must be considered and overcome.

BUT...this is brandie new. You also have not been married very long, which means that you have not the years of bonding which can help overcome a betrayal.

Be kind, be supportive, be understanding, be patient, and be open and honest and loving. Give her the time she needs. NEVER EVER say any type of "get over it" statement...a sure way to get a BS with anger and pain in her eyes. This is NOT an easy path to walk...but you and she can do this if you both are committed to your marriage, your vows, each other!

Good Luck, and may God grant you the wisdom to help the woman you love find her healing path.

Thank you both for the excellent advice. It's really helpful to get all the different perspectives from people who've been through these types of situations before.

I did indeed tell her before she found out on her own, but I will admit that I wasn't fully honest initially. 5 minutes after telling her "part" of what happened I went back to her and admitted the whole truth. At the time, confessing was mainly a selfish act. I was having an anxiety attack about keeping the truth from my W for the next 50+ years of marriage. But I knew in my heart she deserved the truth. I also remind myself that what she really deserves, of course, is to have a faithful husband.

She definitely goes back and forth emotionally, and I'm trying to stay attuned to what she wants in every situation. Two nights ago she wanted to sleep alone the guest room (I offered to do so, but she didn't want that). Last night she offered that I could come out with her and her friends (I was the designated driver). Right now I am being extra careful to avoid any of my annoying behaviors (not cleaning the pots fully, being lazy about taking care of the dog, etc.) and to be helpful in any way she needs me. I guess by being attentive, soliciting input from her, and really listening, I feel like I have some handle on the situation.

I am trying to reassure her often (but not every second) that I know this was my fault, and it was incredibly wrong, and hurtful. The ONS itself, the betrayal of our marriage vows, the lying to her and everything else that's wrong about my actions. I let her rage at me if she needs to and am working very hard not to ever contradict her.

What's hard is that my new "good" behavior isn't my natural personality (I'm never been a good listener, I'm very self-centered/focused), so my new "nice" behavior feels forced, both to my W and myself. Hopefully through therapy and practice I can actually make the changes to myself stick - which I think would make me the kind of person my W would be happy to be with.

The best case scenario is that this crisis makes me a better husband and a better person, allowing my W and I to build a marriage that doesn't drift apart over time (which was already happening). The other benefits of learning to be a more honest, open and giving person are endless, so the best case scenario keeps me hopeful.

Your new nice behavior is what will help you build a rock-solid marriage. When you read all about it here, you can change. It is difficult, but is part of honoring your marriage.

Continue working in that direction. Your wife will not feel safe and trusting until a lot of time has passed. It is normal for her emotions to change from minute to minute. Just keep up a slow and steady course. I have a lot of hope for you two because you seem to be a good man who "gets it".

I don't mean to be cruel but you used the word "drunken" to describe your ONS. I have been drunk on numerous occassions and the oppurtunity for ONSs have arisen. Never did it. Are you rationalizing that the ONS occurred because of your drunkeness? Either that or you need to contact AA asap.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I don't mean to be cruel but you used the word "drunken" to describe your ONS. I have been drunk on numerous occassions and the opportunity for ONSs have arisen. Never did it. Are you rationalizing that the ONS occurred because of your drunkeness? Either that or you need to contact AA asap. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're right, being drunk is no excuse. The ONS occured because I was thoughtless and careless and unhappy with myself. I mention the drinking to frame the event factually (I was drinking) and probably as a defense mechanism (avoiding some measure of responsibility). So it's not a full rationalization, but I hope you can understand my "crutch" at this stage. To be clear, I do not blame the alcohol, or my being drunk, for my behavior.

I don't think I understand it all yet, but if I had to venture a guess, it would be that the OW showed attention to me and I was flattered and sleeping with her was a way to make me feel like I was wanted. This is a common sexual pattern from my past, before I met my W, and is definitely something I now know I need to deal with.

Just FYI, I've been drunk before and not had a ONS. I drink very occasionally (a beer or glass of wine two times/week or less), and even more rarely drink to any kind of excess (maybe once/twice year), so I don't think I have a drinking problem. But thanks for thinking to mention it.

My behavior while drunk was (beyond) nappropriate and it's the root causes of that behavior that I'm focusing on.

Have you written your wife a letter yet? My H wrote me one Friday and I have been reading and rereading it. It seems more real than just words.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Have you written your wife a letter yet? My H wrote me one Friday and I have been reading and rereading it. It seems more real than just words. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wrote her one after reading your post. She did look at it, and she read it. Her initial comment was, "What do you want me to say? Sounds like the stuff you've been telling me" (that sounds more mean when I'm writing it than when she said it, her tone was pretty neutral).

Perhaps over the coming weeks/months it will be something she can look at again like you do.