I have just in the last few days confessed to an affair. Today I answered a question from my husband, and he realized that I have had more than one.
He wants to work through this. I want to work through this. The problem is that there is more to tell, but I don't know if I should tell him or how. He says that he's not sure he wants to know any more. I know that it will all just follow me around in my head if I don't tell him, but I also don't want to hurt him further by telling him things if it's not necessary. Is it necessary that I tell him of all my indiscretions? Is it enough that he knows that I have been unfaithful and that it was more than once? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> If I do need to tell him... is there a way to go about it that is best? I really do feel that I need to come totally clean about everything... that is my gut feeling... but I want to make sure that I am doing the right thing.

Welcome to the MB club. It is sad that you are here, but it is the right place for you in this crucial time of your life. I am just a recent member and don't feel qualified to give much advice, but the philosophy of Marriage Builders is to survive affairs, that might otherwise destroy a marriage.

First and foremost, get a copy of "Surviving and Affair" by Dr. Harley. Read it, and consider online counseling immediatly so when you divulge ALL to your BS (betrayed spouse), you have a plan to work from. Do not try to go this on your own.

Read through these different posts thoroughly, and you will begin to get an idea what a rollercoaster you will be on for an unknown length of time. Prepare yourself emotionally for going through a really tough time, in which you will have to look deeply inside yourself and evaluate what you will need to do to save your marriage. But most of all, you need to believe the marriage CAN be saved, and take Dr. Harley's roadmap for success.

You will probably receive replies from people far more sage than I, and I implore you to read them and learn EVERYTHING YOU CAN to prepare yourself for what both you and your BS will encounter.

Good luck to you...

so much hurt

Contact a individual counselor (psychiatrist)for yourself. You will continue to repeat your behavior until you understamd what is driving it.
Most likely deep seated emotional conflicts dating back to childhood. That is why you need a psychiatrist rather than a general counselor. However, both you and H need a MC as well.

You will learn in SAA that honesty and openess are required for a happy marriage. At some time in the future you need to tell H everything about yourself. I mean everything down to the last freckle. However, you can choose the time. It does not have to be now. Wait until both of you are more emotionally secure and your marriage is on a firm footing. You will know when the time is right. You might want to do it with the help of a counselor to guide both of you throught the process of revealing past mistakes.

It is very important that you learn about your emotional self and why you keep having affairs.

Beau

Answer any questions he has honestly and completely. If you think he may not want to know, ask him if he is sure he wants to know. If he says yes, tell him. You are not protecting him by keeping information from him. you are preventing him from protecting himself from your hurtful actions, and you are protecting yourself from experiencing the consequences of your actions. Click on the link in my signature line for more information on how to recover.

i kind of think that there's no such thing a "a little truth."

i like john's suggestion. tell all and offer to fill in the blanks as requested. just tell him everything he wants to know...holding nothing back for any reason...NOTHING! and be totally honest in the process. i know...easy to say...hard to do.

by the way, maybe you could share with us the reason for your need to confess. what has suddenly changed in your life that's causing you to come clean...so to speak?

coach

So Much Hurt,
Not knowing all the details it's tough to give advice, but here goes................

My guess is that your H's comment about not wanting to know more is a knee jerk reaction to the shock of discovery. As time goes on he will want to know more. Maybe not all of the gory details but at least the Who, When & Where questions. Then later comes the Why.

Offer him this....."H, I (So Much Hurt) truely want to work on our marriage. I want to regain your lost trust. Willing to do the following to do so: Be accountable for time, Willing to share all information with you Past Present & Future. This includes any info regarding the affairs as well as access to cell phone, e-mails etc. I will NEVER contact OMen again and will send a NC letter today.

If your H is like me, he'll go through periods that have mood wild swings ie the "rollercoaster". One day he'll be working on the M the next he'll wonder to himself "why bother, have I wasted all these years with her? One day he may be attentive to you the next he may push you away both emotionally and sexually. If you've ever read "Men are from Mars...Venus" remember that he'll be in his cave alot. If he's in there don't pester him with the "what's wrong" questioning. When he comes out and back to you be ready to welcome him. Of course the very next day he may be back in there thinking and examining the various pieces of his life and the affair.

His self-esteem will be totally destroyed. Even if he is a Type A. It'll be show on the outside to show strength. It may affect his work and his other relationships. My W's affair made me focus for the first time on my parent's divorce. Discovered my mother had an affair with my step-father. My father was so crushed he abandoned the family. Didn't see him for 35 years. Sorry I'm rambling.

He'll wonder about your motives for staying in the marriage. Are you staying for the sake of the kids? Are you staying for the life-style? Are you staying just because you're afraid of divorce and being alone?

It is very difficult for the BS to meet the EN's of the WS or FWS. Try to meet his as best as you can.

Despite all of this I firmly believe that you should tell him the truth at all times. Never lie to him to "save his feelings" Instead forwarn him that the truth may hurt but that because of your willingness to save & improve the marriage you will answer the question honestlly. RADICAL HONESTY!

Also give a bit more history or direcr us to another thread that has it.

I wish you well.

cwmac

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shattered dreams:
<strong> Welcome to the MB club. It is sad that you are here, but it is the right place for you in this crucial time of your life. I am just a recent member and don't feel qualified to give much advice, but the philosophy of Marriage Builders is to survive affairs, that might otherwise destroy a marriage.

First and foremost, get a copy of "Surviving and Affair" by Dr. Harley. Read it, and consider online counseling immediatly so when you divulge ALL to your BS (betrayed spouse), you have a plan to work from. Do not try to go this on your own.

Read through these different posts thoroughly, and you will begin to get an idea what a rollercoaster you will be on for an unknown length of time. Prepare yourself emotionally for going through a really tough time, in which you will have to look deeply inside yourself and evaluate what you will need to do to save your marriage. But most of all, you need to believe the marriage CAN be saved, and take Dr. Harley's roadmap for success.

You will probably receive replies from people far more sage than I, and I implore you to read them and learn EVERYTHING YOU CAN to prepare yourself for what both you and your BS will encounter.

Good luck to you... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you very much for your welcome and encouragement. We have purchased Surviving An Affair, and are reading it. I just used the sample letter as a guide to write the OM and ask him not to contact me anymore. That was one of the most difficult things I've ever done... but I know that it needed to be done, and I'm grateful for the support and guidance here and in what we have been reading.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by shattered dreams:
<strong> Welcome to the MB club. It is sad that you are here, but it is the right place for you in this crucial time of your life. I am just a recent member and don't feel qualified to give much advice, but the philosophy of Marriage Builders is to survive affairs, that might otherwise destroy a marriage.

First and foremost, get a copy of "Surviving and Affair" by Dr. Harley. Read it, and consider online counseling immediatly so when you divulge ALL to your BS (betrayed spouse), you have a plan to work from. Do not try to go this on your own.

Read through these different posts thoroughly, and you will begin to get an idea what a rollercoaster you will be on for an unknown length of time. Prepare yourself emotionally for going through a really tough time, in which you will have to look deeply inside yourself and evaluate what you will need to do to save your marriage. But most of all, you need to believe the marriage CAN be saved, and take Dr. Harley's roadmap for success.

You will probably receive replies from people far more sage than I, and I implore you to read them and learn EVERYTHING YOU CAN to prepare yourself for what both you and your BS will encounter.

Good luck to you... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you very much for your welcome and encouragement. We have purchased Surviving An Affair, and are reading it. I just used the sample letter as a guide to write the OM and ask him not to contact me anymore. That was one of the most difficult things I've ever done... but I know that it needed to be done, and I'm grateful for the support and guidance here and in what we have been reading.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by SonofWF:
<strong> so much hurt

Contact a individual counselor (psychiatrist)for yourself. You will continue to repeat your behavior until you understamd what is driving it.
Most likely deep seated emotional conflicts dating back to childhood. That is why you need a psychiatrist rather than a general counselor. However, both you and H need a MC as well.

You will learn in SAA that honesty and openess are required for a happy marriage. At some time in the future you need to tell H everything about yourself. I mean everything down to the last freckle. However, you can choose the time. It does not have to be now. Wait until both of you are more emotionally secure and your marriage is on a firm footing. You will know when the time is right. You might want to do it with the help of a counselor to guide both of you throught the process of revealing past mistakes.

It is very important that you learn about your emotional self and why you keep having affairs.

Beau </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Beau-
Yes, I've realized that I DO need to tell him EVERYTHING. We are looking into speaking to a counselor to see what the best way would be to do that.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by johnh39:
<strong> Answer any questions he has honestly and completely. If you think he may not want to know, ask him if he is sure he wants to know. If he says yes, tell him. You are not protecting him by keeping information from him. you are preventing him from protecting himself from your hurtful actions, and you are protecting yourself from experiencing the consequences of your actions. Click on the link in my signature line for more information on how to recover. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you John... you are exactly right. My husband is looking into the book "Torn Asunder" now, too...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by coach3530:
<strong> i kind of think that there's no such thing a "a little truth."

i like john's suggestion. tell all and offer to fill in the blanks as requested. just tell him everything he wants to know...holding nothing back for any reason...NOTHING! and be totally honest in the process. i know...easy to say...hard to do.

by the way, maybe you could share with us the reason for your need to confess. what has suddenly changed in your life that's causing you to come clean...so to speak?

coach </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">coach-
yes, I like John's advice as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
As for my need to confess... the reason that I confessed in the first place was because the OM was a friend of ours, and he is getting divorced (he planned that before he met me). Things were getting more and more complicated, and I knew that I was gonna have to start a whole new round of lies in order to keep up the charade. Believe it or not, I have always hated lying in the first place... and the thought of a whole new round of lies and deception was just too much. I had to tell him. Now that I have started telling him the truth, and I am continuing to tell him the truth about the present, I feel the need to get everything else off my chest.
Thanks

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cwmac:
<strong> So Much Hurt,
Not knowing all the details it's tough to give advice, but here goes................

My guess is that your H's comment about not wanting to know more is a knee jerk reaction to the shock of discovery. As time goes on he will want to know more. Maybe not all of the gory details but at least the Who, When & Where questions. Then later comes the Why.

Offer him this....."H, I (So Much Hurt) truely want to work on our marriage. I want to regain your lost trust. Willing to do the following to do so: Be accountable for time, Willing to share all information with you Past Present & Future. This includes any info regarding the affairs as well as access to cell phone, e-mails etc. I will NEVER contact OMen again and will send a NC letter today.

If your H is like me, he'll go through periods that have mood wild swings ie the "rollercoaster". One day he'll be working on the M the next he'll wonder to himself "why bother, have I wasted all these years with her? One day he may be attentive to you the next he may push you away both emotionally and sexually. If you've ever read "Men are from Mars...Venus" remember that he'll be in his cave alot. If he's in there don't pester him with the "what's wrong" questioning. When he comes out and back to you be ready to welcome him. Of course the very next day he may be back in there thinking and examining the various pieces of his life and the affair.

His self-esteem will be totally destroyed. Even if he is a Type A. It'll be show on the outside to show strength. It may affect his work and his other relationships. My W's affair made me focus for the first time on my parent's divorce. Discovered my mother had an affair with my step-father. My father was so crushed he abandoned the family. Didn't see him for 35 years. Sorry I'm rambling.

He'll wonder about your motives for staying in the marriage. Are you staying for the sake of the kids? Are you staying for the life-style? Are you staying just because you're afraid of divorce and being alone?

It is very difficult for the BS to meet the EN's of the WS or FWS. Try to meet his as best as you can.

Despite all of this I firmly believe that you should tell him the truth at all times. Never lie to him to "save his feelings" Instead forwarn him that the truth may hurt but that because of your willingness to save & improve the marriage you will answer the question honestlly. RADICAL HONESTY!

Also give a bit more history or direcr us to another thread that has it.

I wish you well.

cwmac </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told my H today that I was closing down my private email acct. I sent a NC letter to OM this afternoon as well. It was not easy. I was amazed that my H actually comforted me when I began to cry after sending it... that says to me that he loves me and is doing his best to understand. I am starting to see how marriages can sometimes be stronger than ever after an affair.
As for history - I don't want to reveal anything here that I haven't revealed yet to my H, so I will just say that I had an affair with a friend of ours... but we didn't all become friends until after he and I had started seeing each other. I look back now and have no idea where my brain went... but somehow it seemed like a great idea for OM and OM's wife to be our friends. He and I met on the internet... then met in real life... and eventually decided that we should all get to be buddies. So now we are all hurting. I feel terrible that besides the affair, my husband lost someone he considered a friend, and OM's wife and I had become friends, so now that friendship is lost as well. It's a huge mess.
Then yesterday my husband asked if when I had left town to "think about some things" last November, had I been alone? He was crushed when I told him that I hadn't been alone. Then when he said "so you were with OM for 4 days?!", I automatically said "oh, no! That was with someone else!". He couldn't even speak. He just walked away.
That is what my H knows so far.
Thank you so much for your advice and concern.

Hello,

This is just my suggestion but I believe that you would be best telling your husband all of the truth at once and putting all of the cards on the table. I think what you are doing is like water torture. How is your husband able to heal if he keeps getting new information little by little. For him it is like new wounds that are unable to heal because of new information. Give him all of the truth at once and let him and you decide how to recover. Would you ever imagine your husband doing to you what you did to him? It shows you what you have in your husband and that he loves you so stop playing games and tell him the truth and have your marriage finally based on a found of truth and honesty and not on lies of omission.
I wish you luck.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bryanp:
<strong> Hello,

This is just my suggestion but I believe that you would be best telling your husband all of the truth at once and putting all of the cards on the table. I think what you are doing is like water torture. How is your husband able to heal if he keeps getting new information little by little. For him it is like new wounds that are unable to heal because of new information. Give him all of the truth at once and let him and you decide how to recover. Would you ever imagine your husband doing to you what you did to him? It shows you what you have in your husband and that he loves you so stop playing games and tell him the truth and have your marriage finally based on a found of truth and honesty and not on lies of omission.
I wish you luck. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">yes, Bryan, I think you are right. The more that my H and I talk about it and we read people's helpful advice and concerns... I need to tell him everything and as soon as possible.
No, I could not imagine him doing to me what I have done to him. A little over a year ago, I would not have imagined ME doing what I have done, either. I look back as I think about the best way to tell him everything, and I am shocked. I realize now that he loves me... I only wish that I could have seen that sooner.

Hello Again,

I am pleased that you are seeing the light. May I make another suggestion? Please write everything you want him to know and all of the truth in a letter.
In the letter show your sincere remorse and love for your husband. Sit down with him and maybe with a glass of wine. Ask him not to say anything until he finishes the letter completely. I think this is a good way to tell him. I suggest again that you write with your heart in the letter how much you do love him and will prove to him for the rest of your life how grateful you are to him for respecting, forgiving and loving you so much. This is just my suggestion. I wish you luck.

I do recommend Torn Asunder, I felt it was the most helpful. Be prepared to answer any and all of his questions with 100% honesty. Don't sugarcoat if he really wants to know. He'll have to decide that. For me, I had to know details as my imagination was worse than the truth.

Like you, My H's OW was also a friend. That makes it even worse as far as recovery goes. Counseling did help to save our marriage, but it's not easy. His A was 8 years ago and I still am at least a little bit sad everyday.

Good luck. You did the right thing

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Bryanp:
<strong> Hello Again,

I am pleased that you are seeing the light. May I make another suggestion? Please write everything you want him to know and all of the truth in a letter.
In the letter show your sincere remorse and love for your husband. Sit down with him and maybe with a glass of wine. Ask him not to say anything until he finishes the letter completely. I think this is a good way to tell him. I suggest again that you write with your heart in the letter how much you do love him and will prove to him for the rest of your life how grateful you are to him for respecting, forgiving and loving you so much. This is just my suggestion. I wish you luck. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thank you, Bryan...
I wrote a letter to my husband last night, telling him everything like you suggested. I think that it was a very good suggestion, and so does he. I was wondering how I was gonna be able to get the words out. It was easier to write them than it would be to say them, and this way I know that I haven't left things out. He has said that he wants me to read it to him, though - at least that is his feeling right now. We are going to do this tonight. We were going to read it last night, but by the time that I was done writing the letter it was too late to start something like that. I began and ended it with expressions of my love and appreciation.
thank you again for your suggestion and your support.

Hello,

I wish you lots of luck. I know this will be a new beginning for your life and your marriage.
Expect a lot of pain and crying from your husband but it will be like cleaning out an infected wound. It is a process that is needed for you and your marriage to heal. Again I wish you luck.

I would strongly advise you and your husband be tested for STDs ASAP. Some of the tests need to be repeated in 6 months to confirm that you were not exposed to any of the STDs.

So Much Hurt,

You have been given some great advice. I am glad to see that you have indeed followed it. I presume that the letter offered your H a time line of your affairs, as well as the who's and perhaps the whats.

He is now in pretty deep shock, but more questions will follow, answer them.

Now comes the really hard part: rebuilding your marriage. Rebuilding his trust in you and the marriage, and frankly rebuilding your H. Before your H can come to trust you, or the marriage, he must relearn to trust himself.

This is more difficult than you can imagine, because you are going to be walking a very fine line. Someone earlier mentioned that you need to discover WHY you have done this, and why you found harming your marriage and your H an attraction. I hope through counseling and introspection you will discover this.

However, while doing this you are going to be walking a fine line. If you tell your H it had nothing to do with him, then he will feel pretty helpless, as well as dumb, inadequate, and the second or third or fourth choice. If you respond that he didn't meet you needs, and really it was his fault, then he will assume that you will not realistically evaluate your situation.

IN the first case, your H will feel helpless, and in the second case he will feel hopeless. You don't want either. You telling him that he is the most important person in your life or that you always loved him will NOT ring true in his ears.

Yet, somehow he has to come out of this with the idea that he has some control in his life, that he is NOT a complete loser that you are keeping because you have nobody better at this moment, and that he failed you as a husband. How is that going to happen??? Slowly, very slowly is the answer. It will take you being very open with him, you allowing him to see your thinking, your feelings, and your CHANGE in behavior. It is going to take you helping him, asking him how he is doing, bringing up tough issues such as your feelings for OM.

It is going to take years of consistent behavior on your part, and you figuring out why you did what you did. HOWEVER, the search for these answers doesn't mean that the two of you cannot explore ways to make your marriage better and more meaningful for the both of you. He needs to know where he could have done better, where he has failed you, where he has left you vulnerable. He also needs to know where he succeeded, what he did well , and WHY you love him, although you have acted in the most UNLOVING manner.

Do you see the difficulties and the fine line? I hope so. You need to discuss with your counselors how to address these issues. You and H need to learn to use the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA, to help each other.

I can assure you that you will see anger, and pain as the months go by. You will very likely see him vacillate between staying and going. You may not, but rest assured the battle is going on in his heart and mind. If you sense it, talk to him. Don't press him, but let him know you are aware and will do your best to help if he will let you. Touch him when you sense the conflict in him.

You have made a good start, but now the really hard work begins. He may yet decide that this is too much to handle and leave, but his first reactions suggest that he is a very strong man committed to his marriage. You have no idea how lucky you are. Will you luck hold out??? You have some control over that, but not as much as you would like right now.

Keep posting, I am sure you will have more questions and the people here will do their best to offer suggestions.

God Bless,

JL