after my earlier posting Fri. I am stuck with a question again. recap my husband who is 51 is having an affair with a 19 girl, who is our nieces husband's sister. on Thanksgiving he left and went to stay at my niece and nephews home then the first of Dec he moved our travel trailer down there in thier yard. His mistress had been living with him all the time even though he continued to tell me they were just friends and nothing more. Finally it was suggessed that I make a surprise visit some time to find out for myself, which I did, and he confessed and he also confessed that they had been sleeping together long before he moved out. So we decide to try and make things work and we both tell the girl that she should have no more contact with him at all emails, phone calls, instant messiaging, etc. and he comes home with me. Then the 9th I ask him if I could have the passwords to his email accounts for my own reassurance he refuses and says that now he thinks that it would be ok to remain friends with this girl and email and talk once in awhile (he says that iam wanting to control him.) Well this caused a big fight and that night he went back to our travel trailer in our nieces yard (this girl is at her brothers all the time visiting or staying)He says that we both need time to heal and I am afraid that he is resuming the affair. I ask him to go and stay some where else with the trailer so as no not be tempted but he says that iam trying to conrol him (as he did about the email passwords) and that if it happens to resume (the affair) that that is just something we will have to work through when we get back together. all of that to ask my question which is: is it right to ask our nephew (who is this girls brother) to not allow his uncle (my husband) to stay there and to move our travel trailer elsewhere. This affair has upset his family as well but they wont say anything because of the situation. I just believe that being there where she is is not good for our chances of putting the marriage back together even if they don't resume the affair it is hurting our chances.

jmho...he hasn't ever stopped the affair. He's just running from one conflict to another whenever things get to stressed for him one place, he goes to the other. He's not ready or willing to give up either you or his girlfriend.

Yes, it is perfectly ok to ask your neice and nephew to ask him to remove his trailer from their property. HOWEVER...I would make it very clear that you are asking...not demanding. They have been put in a very uncomfortable position with all this and I am sure from what you wrote they aren't happy about it. Making it clear that you don't blame them for what they have no control over may make it easier for them to make the changes they do have control over.

The affair has not ended, and you need to go to Plan B until it does.

What so many do wrong:

Trust their spouse when he/she says the affair is over and assume that it is over until they have evidence otherwise.

BIG LOUD SCREAMING BUZZER.

It is not your job to prove that the affair is still continuing, it is your husband's job to offer proof to you that it is over. That proof comes in the form of transparent honesty (email, chat, and voicemail passwords)and in having a schedule in which they have put the contact information down for each place they are and verifying their whereabouts.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He says that we both need time to heal and I am afraid that he is resuming the affair. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He doesn't want time to heal, he wants unchallenged and unfettered access to the source of his addiction - this woman.

I know you aren't going to like this, but putting your head in the sand isn't going to save your marriage.

Pam...

Your husband is following the WS script page for page...

we can still be friends...
I can keep pictures and crap around...
I feel sorry for her...
and
blah blah blah... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Plan A is ALL about focusing and grounding you and offerring you a path way to the demise of the affair...

Pam so many things are in your favor..what is the reality of a nineteen year old offerring any real stability...
lets see...oh yeah a drugged out nineteen year old...yeah there's someone you would take to the christmas party to meet your husbands peers and their wives....

You need to quit all powerstruggling...
each interaction that participate and propogate the negativeness and all the other stuff...feeds right in to his belief that you "ARE" controlling...(which you arent'...) but WS are FAMOUSE for twisting it all to work in their favor....
it will be used against you to prove how you don't love him..
you don't understand him...
and you don't support him...and she does...

And all the lovebusting keeps all the focus off of his actions....

surely you can meet his needs better than her...
surely you can set boundaries that are intelligent and without blame...

I don't understand why you aren't in plan b...
this affair will not hold up to the light of day...
have you exposed it to his family....the ones that still maintain some respect??

again do you have children with him..
what are their ages...

ark....

Thanks guys for your imput and yes the affair is still going on of course WH will not admit it but my nephew has said that it continued as soon as he returned. I told WH today that I love--missed--and wanted him that I knew that we both had needs that had not been met in a very long time and that I was willing to work toward a strong and happy marriage and learn to meet his needs. I also told him that I felt like I should no longer have any contact with him until marriage conseling which is Feb.10 or until he decided that he was willing to have no contact with OW. he said that he thought this was childish on my part and that it severed no purpose but to be vindictive and controling on my part. and if that was te way I felt that maybe we should forget marriage conseling. (my first reaction was to say if your still sleeping with OW why are you considering marriage conseling at all) but I didnt say it and just told him that for now it was too painful for me to be in contact with him when I knew he was still sleeping with her and that this was a safe gaurd for my feelings as to not LB him when we where in contact because of the pain. Ark no we do not have children together I have children from a previous marriage but they are all grown and away from home now. but we do have grandchildren that knows no other grandpa but him, this has hurt my children so bad that they are refusing to let him see the grandbabies and of course he says that is me controling them (I told the kids it was totally up to them how they wanted to handle this)and taking the grandbabies away from him to be vindictive. i told him I had nothing to do in the kids decisions but he still is blaming me for it. As far as telling his family iam a little confused about that his father is a preacher and does know that he has moved out and does know that he is friends with this OW but iam not sure if he knows about the full affair and I dont know if I should tell him. As far as her family(which is friends of ours) I think it is about the same thing they know that they are friends but I dont believe they know about the affair the think that she is staying over at our nephews (her brother's) because of the friendship but I dont think they know that she has actually moved in with him instead of the brothers. and I dont know if I should tell them either, If I tell any one I know that he is going to see it as being vindictive. so would apprecate some advice on that subject.

Pam

you should expose the affair...especially to family members...
affairs thrive in secrecy...
how accepting are people going to be of a grown man with a nineteen year old...

If I tell any one I know that he is going to see it as being vindictive. so would apprecate some advice on that subject.

oh well is it vindictive....nope it is the truth....

To be honest you got me really concerned...

you keep saying that he will accuse you of controlling him....yet you can't and don't control him..if you could and would...you would have controlled him not to have an affair...

I also told him that I felt like I should no longer have any contact with him until marriage conseling which is Feb.10 or until he decided that he was willing to have no contact with OW.

this is the wrong approach if you are going to embrace Plan A here...and plan A is about your role in the assisting the demise of an affair...

you need to see him and meet all the needs he will let you meet....

my first reaction was to say if your still sleeping with OW why are you considering marriage conseling at all)

that is a good honest question...with out disrepect...you should have asked him that....

he's playing you big time...turning it all around on you...you need to learn to babble back to his nonsense....
can be very typical...

and if that was te way I felt that maybe we should forget marriage conseling

babble back something like...
whew..I was begining to think you weren't interested in how I felt...

Pam you really need to read more on plan A...
there are posts on general questions 2 with people in very similiar positions..

ARK

Well I exposed the affair to his parents and her parents and none of them knew this was going on they were under the assumption that they were just good friends, her parents thought that she had been stay with her brother and did not know that she had actualy moved in with him. Needless to say they were none to happy, and both thanked me for letting them know. But as I suppected WH is blaming me for interfering and says Iam being vindictive, now is refusing to talk to me. said that he was ping ponging back and forth from coming home or staying there until now. now he says that there is no chance for reconcilation of the marriage. but I do believe that this will end the affair, now that it has been exposed. I dont think that the affair will last a week now. Her father has threaten to withdraw her from college and get a refund of his money if she does not end the affair, and I dont think that WH will allow this to happen. So this might have (and I say might) ruin the chances for us to reconcilate but I do think that the affair is on its final leg. Question now is how I handle things from here on out. Thanks guys

Pam,
Good work by telling the family!! Don't give up on the marriage yet. He is going to be angry, but he'll get over it. It might take something like this to snap him back to reality. Just keep talking to him nicely, without being taken advantage of, and see how it goes. Be patient! If you want things to work out between the 2 of you, give it time. He'll come to his senses at some point

Patti

I have been reading many posts on this site that have been very helpful. Now I find yet another.It seems to be suggested to tell family mebers about WS A. I have been very concerned about letting others know about his A. I guess in order to protect him, hoping if things work out while I may forgive him others may not. I thoguht it would make things easier. It has not been easy keeping up a front with everyone and several family and friends have been concerned. I do have anger about this as well. My protecting his image. should I be letter our parents know about this. It has been exposed to me does it need to be exposed to other? Does this work for or against the marriage?

Pam...

the truth is your husband would be scared to death to really leave you and try to make a relationship work with a nineteen year old...

It's doomed on soooo many levels...
that is why you must try to do your best plan A ever....

If he really thought this relationship with the OW was "THE ONE"..he would not be upset that it has been exposed...

especially if it is what "he wants" ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

there is great irony in him blaming you...yet HE is the one trying to turn back and control you...

said that he was ping ponging back and forth from coming home or staying there until now. now he says that there is no chance for reconcilation of the marriage.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Take no part in the chaos....
be no part of a triangle..
make every interaction pleasant on your end..
upbeat...

So this might have (and I say might) ruin the chances for us to reconcilate but I do think that the affair is on its final leg.

no Pam wrong thinking...just as he has free choice to choose to be with the OW...over and over...and somehow he twists that choice and it's consequances...to something you did/do on ruining reconciliation is ludacrious....

do not let the irrationalality of this situation be turned into rational stuff...

your choice to expose...is secondary to his choice to LIVE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN>...
the point of choosing to renconcile or not did not appear when YOU EXPOSED...it appeared when HE made that choice to live with her...

get it??

Pam..
no relationship talk right now..
keep every interaction light and pleasant...
appear to be moving on with your life...
make sure you are doing things and going out places...with friends and family..
and enjoying yourself....

find and read the divorce busting tips and 180's....

be nice to him and no power struggling and argueing with him....

be allusive without blame if you can..not cold or standoffish...but engage in no activities that do put you at risk for blame..

no dinners out with a male friend...etc...

Pam...
be calm...be graceful....
be in control...
do plan a....as much as he will let you...

ark